Chapter Sixteen #3
Fuck, he’d not given thought to any of those things, and his heart ached for all of that.
“I’d hoped you wouldn’t care. No one has…
about me.” If he peered any longer into her eyes, he would happily fall into those brown pools.
“But as we spent time together, you made me feel things, encouraged me to move past the horrors of my past, to perhaps live again. But the nightmares don’t stop, and now they’re twisted with thoughts of you, that something bad will befall you because of me…
” Perhaps it was time to confess all to her.
He owed her at least that. “Having you in my life makes me so afraid. I am more terrified now than when I was in the war, when I was a spy.”
Confusion lay stamped over her face. “Why?”
“Because…” Tell her everything, Blackhawke.
You have nothing left to lose. With a shuddering sigh, he nodded.
“I’ve fallen in love with you, Elli.” Damn but it felt good to admit that out loud.
“I didn’t want to, I fought against it because I had plans…
because I’m not the marrying kind… Thought I didn’t wish to ruin anyone else’s life.
” He forced down another swallow, his breathing ragged as his chest ached.
“While this truth makes me afraid, I’m more terrified of what will become of you when I’m gone. ”
Her bemused expression caused his lips to twitch. “Then don’t go.”
“I’m certain it seems stupid to you, but when I am at my worst, lost to the past, it’s frightening. Yet with you? Those nightmares don’t seem so overwhelming. I might have the strength to fight them again…”
“Oh!” The sound of sniffles came from her and she wiped her cheeks.
“Yet you want to leave this world just when you’ve fallen in love?
With your wife? Without ever enjoying that?
” Even though she was a mess with tears and moisture on her face, she was the most gorgeous woman he’d ever laid eyes on.
“You don’t want to explore that see where that can go? ”
“But I…”
“No more excuses, James.” She laid a hand on his chest. “It’s just you and me here. And I need the truth from you. I don’t think I can go into my future without you. Not after everything I’ve survived, not after everything you and I have shared.”
Of course it would start to rain at that point, and not a gentle drizzle but a full-on heavy rain as if the heavens had opened and God himself wept for their situation. The rain drops snuffed out Elli’s candles. Those drops fell on them both and drenched their clothing.
There was no more time. Finally, he had to acknowledge his emotions, and though it was beyond frightening, he was curious about what it might mean to live.
“Sweeting, listen to me.” Daring much, he took her hands in his while holding her gaze despite the rain.
“A future between us might prove trying for you with me. I don’t want that for you, have never wanted that for you or anyone. It’s why I keep myself away…”
“I knew that from the day I agreed to your engagement.” Her fingers curled into his lapel.
“But that doesn’t make me love you less.
It means I’ll love you more and try to wrap you in that love until you feel safe and needed and worthy.
” A waver wove through her voice, and he felt that vulnerability all the way down to his soul.
“As Jean-Claude said, there is still joy in this life. He always told me he’d seen much death as a doctor, and that grief destroys so many people.
” With the shake of her head, she continued to cry.
“I have grieved enough, James, and I have let my past take control for far too long. Jean-Claude used to tell me that life belongs to the living. Please say that you want that too, to find joy together.”
“What?” The words were jumbling together in his head.
Surely, she couldn’t mean what she was saying.
A future with him, despite everything that he was, everything that he’d done?
Why did he yearn for that so much? Was it enough to keep him from the darkness?
“I don’t know how good I’ll be as a husband, for I have already failed so many times, failed so many people. ”
“Don’t worry about that now.” She added her second hand to his chest, hanging onto his lapels as if he were the only thing keeping her upright.
“Just be you. The world will adjust.” Lifting a hand, she rested the palm against the side of his face as the rain continued to come down.
“I promise to keep loving you because I believe we have a future, but I’m also not na?ve enough to believe that love will heal everything.
This isn’t a fairy tale.” There was so much earnestness in her eyes, he felt in that moment she might be correct.
“Just because you’re broken—I’m broken too—doesn’t mean we’re not worthy of love.
” Her trembling chin took away from the brilliance of her smile, and he was so damned selfish, he wanted to see her in all her glory as she searched his face with her gaze.
“Because of that, I’m the absolute best person to stand at your side through everything, for better or for worse. ”
“God, I want to believe that.” Emotions graveled his voice. “I need to believe that.” The cloud that surrounded him shifted. It wasn’t gone, not even a bit, but it was suddenly easier to carry.
“Then believe it.”
He searched her gaze. “I want no one else by my side except you.” If he knew one truth for certain, he knew that. “I love you, Eloise. It might not mean anything to you—”
“It means everything.” She slipped her hand to his nape. “We’ll help each other through the dark. When your light dims, I’ll give you mine and you will do the same for me.”
“Yes, I will.” Though he could happily drown in her eyes, worry pulled through his gut. And the rain was beginning to grate over his nerves. “Fair warning. I can’t be fixed.”
“Neither can I. We will always have holes full of dark things, and we will both fail in our roles, but life is large and vast and there is much room for light and goodness to make new memories.”
“As well as forgiveness.”
“Yes. We will move forward together. Come what may.”
Despite himself, James clung to that proverbial rope she extended, that love she thrust at him, clung with all his might because in her, he had hope. And he hadn’t had that in a very long time indeed. “God, Elli, I don’t deserve you.”
“No, you don’t, but I love you anyway.”
With a chuckle, he tugged her into his arms and brought his lips crashing down onto hers. For the next several moments, he showed her without words what she meant to him, showed her how much he loved her and appreciated her. Then the chill from the rain made itself known in his consciousness.
“Come inside, duchess. I wish to do wicked things to you to usher in that future you believe in.” With his free hand, he took hers and led her toward the library doors. “How do I know my feelings for you are real or if they came about due to your spells?”
A snort issued from her. “Don’t be more of an arse than you can help, Blackhawke.”
Ah, God, how much did he adore her? He couldn’t help a smirk as his mood shifted away from the lurking darkness a bit. “I’m trying, Elli. For you.”
“For us.”
“Indeed.” Then he ushered her inside the townhouse, and remarkably a budding sense of peace came over him as they made their way upstairs.
Feeling as though he’d been given the most precious gift, or two rather—one of life and one of her—James let the moisture welling in his eyes spill onto his cheeks.
If showing emotion made a man weak, then so be it.
Sometimes a man’s worth was found in those moments of vulnerability, where he was shown exactly how strong he was.