Chapter 38
TOBIAS
Irun.
Down the stairs, and past a very confused Neal near the kitchen. Across the living room, out the side door, and across the landing. I don’t know where I’m going—only that I have to move. I have to go.
I have to get out of here.
Taren barrels after me as I leap down the steps, her tail brushing against my sleeve. She barks after me, but I twist away, hitting the ground hard. My lungs burn and heart pounds like it’s never pounded before. The cold earth is painful against my bare toes, but I don’t stop.
I can’t.
Shame burns hot through me, hotter than any fire I’ve ever known. Gods. What have I done?
What the fuck have I done?
Rowen’s face flashes in my mind—his lips blue, eyes straining as my hands closed tighter around his throat.
My mate.
I hurt my fucking mate!
A few seconds more and he—
No, I don’t dare think it.
I pull at the tether, knowing I have no right to do so. But my heart is shattering, dissolving into nothing. I’m desperate for a sign that I hadn’t truly hurt him. Please be okay.
When I get a barely noticeable quiver in return, I let out a choked sob. It’s still there, but faint. Weak. Terribly fragile.
Tears blur my vision. I skid to a stop near the tree line just as two wolves leap over a bush. I recognize the lighter of the two, but not the other. Sage plants himself in front of me, ears pinned back and tail stiff, like he’s trying to drive me away.
Or drive me back.
“I’m—I’m—don’t you see? I have to go!” I shout, voice cracking. “I’ll hurt you! I’ll hurt all of you!”
The wolves step closer, slow and cautious.
Panic claws at my throat. More wolves circle from the shadows, steps slow and uncertain. Pressure builds behind my sternum, hot and feral.
I shake my head. I’m being surrounded. They’re surrounding me!
See? The voice slithers through me. They aren’t your allies. They want to hurt you.
“Shut up,” I rasp, tugging at my hair. “Just shut up—shut up! I hate you!”
The nearest wolf shifts in a fluid motion of magic and beauty. From soft gray wolf to beautiful woman in a matter of seconds. Jasmine stands there, her long hair barely covering her. “Tobias, what’s going on?”
“I can’t… I have to go! I can’t—I’ll hurt you.”
“TOBIAS, STOP!” Ivy screams from the porch. “Rowen is fine!”
For a split second, the world stops and relief floods me. But it’s cast aside as soon as Jasmine’s face darkens. Rage, maybe?
I step back, shaking my head as a hurricane of emotions swirls within.
Fear. Panic. Rage. Confusion. They twist together, coiling like barbed wire—as dangerous as my own hands.
A rumble tears up my throat and out my mouth as something rips loose in my chest, hot and wild. My back arches as my body splits apart.
I lunge for Jasmine before I can stop myself, scraping at her chest with nails that aren’t mine. They’re too long. Too sharp. She throws an arm up to stop me from a second blow, and I sink my teeth in. The taste of metal floods my mouth, her cry of pain ripping through the air like a siren.
Something large and solid slams into me from the side, sending me sprawling in another direction. Pain blooms in my hip as I crash down hard, and a strange yelp bursts out. From me? I can’t be sure.
Someone snarls, snapping at my haunches to get me to back up. I scramble to my feet, rushing back. Two wolves circle in front of Jasmine, protecting her, and the ring around me tightens.
I look around, confused. Everything seems so big, so disorienting. What—what is happening?
I try to run, but my limbs won’t cooperate, moving all wrong. My feet feel foreign as they dig into the earth. I blink down, expecting blood, expecting dirt—anything human. But the ground blurs. Four black paws tremble in the mud.
What the—
“Tobias, just calm down,” Jasmine says. “Everything will be okay.”
I shake my head, confused. Everything is too bright. Too loud. The surrounding scents are vivid, layered, suffocating. The world is sharper, alive, yet I can barely breathe in it.
What is happening? I scream, but it comes out in low whines and indistinguishable growls.
A wolf stalks toward me, not attacking—herding. Trying to push me back.
But I can’t. I can’t go back. Not after what I did.
I’ll never be able to go back.
Scrambling, I dive between two wolves and run.
And run.
Branches whip at my face—my fur?—I don’t know anymore. The forest blurs around me. I jump at every sound, stumble over every log. I narrowly miss another patrol on the south side, duck under low brush, and keep running until my lungs are on fire.
Behind me, two dozen wolves chase after me, their howls loud in the night air. I push myself harder, faster, twisting between trees and leaping over a creek. Every time I land hard, pain lances up my legs. Every snap of a twig is too loud for my sensitive ears.
But none of it compares to the pain of the tether.
I can feel Rowen’s grief stretching across the miles—raw and endless. It hollows me out, a distant cry of a broken heart. I can almost hear him whispering to me.
Reach for me, Toby.
His forgiving tone slices through me. It’s how I know it’s not real. Rowen will never forgive me for what I did. Never.
I keep going, never stopping. Somehow, the sound of the wolves fades, becoming something far away. An owl hoots somewhere in the distance, and I can see a large house up on a ridge, lights glowing from within.
When my body nearly collapses from exhaustion, I stop at a stream, quickly dropping my head for a drink. The cool water soothes some of the ache, but only a little. My reflection ripples in the water, then steadies. And I freeze.
A fox stares back.
A fucking fox.
I scratch my ears, disbelieving, but it’s really me. The reflection mirrors every movement.
Holy shit. I’m a beautiful red fox with black-tipped ears, a narrow snout, dark eyes, and a long plume of a tail.
…how?
I sink back on my haunches, panting. I… shifted?
I peer into the water again, tilting my head this way and that. My mind tries to catch up. I try to think, to breathe. For a split second, wonder cuts through the horror. This is me. This is what I am. Then it hits—what I’ve done.
Oh gods. Jasmine. I attacked Rowen’s mother!
Grief hits me square in the chest, and I let out a low whine. What have I done?
Sitting back, I stare at my reflection, rubbing at my too-big ears with a paw. It tickles yet feels amazing at the same time. No wonder Rowen likes it when I scratch his ears.
At the sound of something moving, I scurry under a bush and curl into a tight ball. My body feels alien, but somehow, my animal knows exactly what to do.
A few seconds later, a large mule deer steps into view, towering over me. As soon as it’s gone, silence settles again.
Trembling, I hide my face under my tail, trying to block out the world, and slowly, I realize something. Not only is the forest quiet, but my head is silent too. Rip is silent.
The constant thrum is there, but it’s dulled now, like it’s on another frequency.
When I try, I can still hear him shouting at me, but it’s like he’s trying to reach me through thick glass.
The words are all muffled and inaudible.
I can still feel the bond running through my veins like poison, but for the first time in literal days, I can hear my own thoughts.
And as if pulled by a magnetic force, my mind latches onto the only thing that seems to matter right now: Rowen.
My heart shatters. How could I have hurt him the way I did? I’d nearly killed him. Him. My mate. The man who has been the one constant thing since I broke free of the club. He’s been my friend, my provider, my protector. My lover. Nothing he did or could ever do deserves being choked.
A sharp cry tears from me, paws curling in agony.
Reach for me, Toby.
His voice is as soft and as clear as if he were standing right here. From my memory, maybe? I can’t make sense of it, but I lean into it. Needing his warm reassurance almost as much as I need his arms around me.
I think of the cinnamon apple tart he’d given me on my first day here.
The movies we’d watched on his enormous beanbag.
How we used to curl up there for hours, just talking like nothing else existed.
The way he’d hold me through a nightmare.
Rowen saw pieces of me then, before I even saw them myself.
I think about the cameras they’d given me, and the darkroom where we shared our first kiss. Those gifts weren’t just from Rowen, but Jasmine and Ivy too. Cherished things they trusted me with before I could even trust myself.
Then, there were the gingerbread houses and watching Rowen smear icing in his hair. Or sleeping as a pack around the tree on Christmas Eve. I had truly felt like I belonged that night. Still a stranger, a human in a mix of shifters, but somehow, a part of them too.
All those moments healed me. Not just with Rowen—but with all of them. The pack. My family.
They took me in, even knowing I could be a danger to them. They protected me, cared for me. Loved me. They never once tried to discourage the bond forming between Rowen and me. If anything, they encouraged it.
They trusted me.
And I betrayed that trust.
I shattered it. Literally choked it with my bare hands.
Pain lances through me. Oh, Rowen. I’m so sorry.
The tether trembles again, grief rolling through it like thunder. Rowen is feeling the loss just as sharply.
I tug at it, he tugs back. Like a hug. But a broken one.
That’s my mate. My fated one. The person the universe chose for me, despite my half-blood heritage.
Was I always meant to find him then? To land here? Fall in love with the dark-haired wonder?
If so, did fate account for this epic mistake? How do I earn his forgiveness? Is it even possible?
Without warning, the tether pulls taut, sudden and sharp. Fear spikes through it—Rowen’s fear—and adrenaline floods my veins.
I snap my head up when wolves howl in the distance.
Slowly, I crawl out from beneath the bush, shaking out my fur. My ears twitch, straining for any sound. Far off through the trees, red flashes of light illuminate the forest. Snarls echo through the night.
Fury burns white-hot within. My lips curl back, and I snap at an unseen enemy.
My family is under attack.
I don’t need to be there to know who it is. I can feel the rage storming from the other side of the bond. Rip is here, and he’s ready to claim what is his.
But he is very mistaken.
I am not his. I am no one’s.
My heart belongs to Rowen, but my body, my mind, my soul—those are mine. And I will never let him hurt me again. Or anyone.
Especially them.
Especially him.
I take off towards the house.
I’m coming, Ro.