Chapter 41 Tobias
TOBIAS
The next morning, the scent of something warm and earthy catches my attention. Rowen is still fast asleep, so I sneak away, following the scent until I find the small rabbit under a bush. It tries to hop away, but I kill it easily in a single pounce.
Pride fills me as I pick it up, and all I can think about is my mate. I rush back to him with my tail high, dropping the dead creature by his head. Rowen sits up, looking genuinely startled. Then, something like amusement flashes in his eyes. For me? You shouldn’t have.
Aren’t you happy? It’s the biggest rabbit in the forest. I caught it just for you.
His ear twitches. Eat with me.
My human side struggles with the concept of eating raw rabbit, but my animal side thinks it’s the best thing ever. My belly feels better within minutes, and the steady rumble in Rowen’s stomach subsides too.
He’s healing fast. I can feel his pain lessening by the hour through our link. I’m healing too. Faster than I thought possible.
I don’t think I’ll ever understand the magic of being a shifter, but honestly, I’m not as scared of it anymore. This body, as foreign as it is, is also a part of me just like my hand is a part of me. I understand how to do things without knowing how.
It’s peaceful to be sitting on the wet earth with Rowen, our breaths syncing in the still forest around us.
With his calm composure, I can almost believe things will be okay.
But we haven’t really talked about what happened yet.
And Rowen is quiet. Too quiet. Either from exhaustion or pain, or just being lost in his own head—trying to tell me how to leave, maybe?
He licks my ear. I can’t get over how cute you are.
I growl. I am not.
You so are. Look at your fluffy tail.
I nip him.
Rowen’s laughter echoes through our link, and he nudges me.
A sudden burst of energy takes over me, and I dart out from our sleeping area, tail high and chest to the ground.
Rowen yips playfully, tracing my movements.
The fox in me delights in the chase. The man in me can’t stop laughing through it.
I nip him again, and Rowen barks. You’re ridiculous.
I loop around him a third time, and Rowen’s giant paw comes down on my chest, pinning me. Gotcha.
For a few minutes, the guilt lifts, and it’s just us—instinct and breath and matching heartbeats. He’s still slow, but each movement looks a little easier.
As we settle down again, the guilt and shame come back heavy as ever. All I can think about is the pack, and it makes me whine.
Rowen nuzzles me. What is it?
Your pack, Ro. How will they ever forgive me? How can you?
He stills. They will.
He must not know everything yet. If he did, he wouldn’t be this calm.
I attacked Jasmine.
What?
I hide my face. When I shifted. I didn’t know what was happening, and I just, I don’t know. Lost control and I bit her.
His silence stretches, and I brace for anger.
But Rowen just sets his head against me. She’ll forgive you, Toby. You know she will.
You don’t know that.
Yeah, I do. His voice softens. She knows how rough the first change can be. Trust me. She’ll understand.
What about the others? What if I killed someone during the fight?
You didn’t kill anyone. You got a few bites in, but we all do that. It’s instinctive.
Really?
He nudges me. I’ve bit Ivy, Neal, even Forest in fights before. It happens.
I want to believe him. I really do, but I had been so out of it during the attack that it’s hard to know if it was me or… something else. The memories are jaded.
I just wish I could explain what it was like. I felt… off. Like something else took over entirely. Not Rip, but something else. I just… reacted without thinking.
I want to scream at myself for losing control, but the sound is stuck in my throat. I can’t undo it, only hope they see my intentions.
Rowen doesn’t move, just listens.
Is it like that for you in a fight?
Sometimes I’m unaware of what I do, sure.
We’re part animal; we’re going to lean on our instincts.
But I know where this is coming from, Toby, and I don’t think it’s the half-blood.
You wouldn’t have calmed so easily afterwards if it was.
Remember, your father was a shifter too.
He licks my head again. Focus on how you are now, okay?
You’re aware of everything, right? Controlling everything?
Yeah.
Then trust that. You’ll be okay.
When our eyes meet, emotion clogs my throat. I don’t know if I can shift back.
Rowen must sense my anxiety because he moves closer. You don’t need to tonight, Tobe. Red told you it might take a few days. Just keep bonding with your animal. Trust yourself, just like you did when you helped us. You’ll know what to do.
I rest my head on his leg, wishing more than anything I could feel his arms around me. I need his touch more than ever. I need to know we’re truly okay.
How can you forgive me for what I did?
Rowen whines, nudging me. Like he knows I’m no longer talking about the pack. I’m talking about what happened in that room.
That wasn’t you, Toby. You and I both know that.
You could’ve died.
Stop. It wasn’t you. I’m fine. There’s nothing to forgive you for.
I wish I believed him. I want to, so badly, because I don’t want to live with this guilt forever. I curl tighter against him, willing him to make it real.
On the second day of being a fox, everything irritates me.
I nip at everything, growling or bolting away, not wanting to be touched. The pressure closing in is suffocating. I keep scratching at my fur, but it relieves nothing, like I’m trapped in a too-small body.
I’m sick of this! I need out!
Rowen sits on his haunches. Just… I don’t know, call to the other part of you. Like switching something from the right hand to the left.
I huff. Maybe I can’t. Maybe I’m only left-handed now.
He laughs, which only irritates me further. I snap at him.
You can do this, Toby.
I sit down and curl my tail around my paws, trying to do as he says, but it’s like a dark hole in my mind. I can’t see or feel or do anything. Panic claws at me. What if I can’t?
You’re trying too hard. Let it come naturally.
Easy for you to say! You’ve done this your whole life.
He snorts. I struggled my first few times too.
I cock my head. You did?
After a pause, he says, Okay, no. I didn’t. But—hey!
Rowen yelps as I bite his ear, and snaps at me playfully. We wrestle and play, until he gets up to chase me through the trees. He almost reaches me before I dart into a bush.
Cheater.
Am not! I just have some advantages being this small.
He lies down, looking at me through an opening in the branches. You really are so damn cute. You have no idea.
I growl. Take it back.
Nope, you’re cute.
I yip at him and start the chase all over again. This time, Rowen catches me, and we tumble together in a mess of fur and paws. We both laugh, then the sadness settles over me again. If we were human, I’d kiss him right now.
Rowen must be thinking the same thing. He licks my head. Don’t worry about it. You’ll shift back. I know you will.
I settle against his solid chest. Somehow, despite everything, I trust him this time.
The next day is more of the same, except Rowen is clearly healthy again. He’s moving much faster now, catching me every time. Each time we tumble together, the ache in me deepens. I need to feel his arms around me so badly.
The sound of twigs snapping echoes through the trees. I jump up. Someone’s coming.
Rowen barely moves. I know. It’s just Sage.
How do you know that?
His scent.
I sniff the air, locking the cedar and vanilla notes away in my memory. Strange how familiar it is, yet new too.
Sage stops a dozen yards away, tossing a plastic bag toward us. Rowen gets up, shifting into his human form like it’s as easy as breathing.
I huff in annoyance. Show off.
The mouth-watering aroma of fresh sausages catches my attention, and I bury my nose in the bag. I find them wrapped in paper towels and gobble them down.
“How is everyone?” Rowen asks, pulling clothes on.
Their voices sound different in this form, but not unfamiliar.
“Fine. Neal and Jasmine took a beating, but they’re nearly healed now.”
I lower my head. I was part of that beating.
“And the others?” Rowen asks hesitantly.
Sage scrubs his face before answering. “Five shifters died. One from Cedar Ridge, one from Hollow Point, the rest from William’s pack. They don’t blame us, of course, but… fuck, it hurts.”
Rowen curses.
“William is still here, but Ashlyn’s pack went home yesterday.”
“Yeah, I saw them leave. Why is William still here?”
Sage doesn’t answer. Instead, he turns his attention to me, crouching as he holds out a hand. “Hey, Toby.”
I bolt a few yards away, then circle back, ears twitching. This human is a stranger to me, and yet… he’s not. He’s someone I know. Someone I trust. I can feel it, even if everything about him is new to my fox.
Rowen pushes a soothing vibe through our tether, grounding me. Step by step, I inch forward until my nose brushes Sage’s fingers. It awakens a memory of talking to him on the couch, his laughter filling the room. I nudge him a little harder.
Pack.
Family.
“See?” Sage says quietly. “We’re all right. You know me.” He chuckles when my tail flicks back and forth. “God, you’re cute. Red is going to flip the fuck out when he sees you.”
I growl.
Rowen chuckles. “He doesn’t like being called cute.”
“Oh? So I shouldn’t tell you everyone’s been saying that for three days then? We’ve been watching you guys through the trees.”
I pin my ears back. I am not cute! I’m a vicious beast, just like you!
Rowen can’t hear me, but he must know what I’m saying. He laughs harder. “Better get used to it, babe. ‘Cause seriously. You’re cute as hell.”
I nip his ankles, and he hops away.
“Ouch! Hey!”
Sage bursts out laughing. The sound startles me, and I bolt a dozen yards away.
He lowers his voice, addressing Rowen. “Anyway, we need you home soon.”
Something in his voice makes my stomach twist, and I feel Rowen’s apprehension. I trot back to him.
“What’s wrong?” he asks.
Sage hesitates. “Just come home. We’ll—”
“No. Tell me.”
Sage exhales. “Grant’s missing.”
Rowen’s shock is instant, snapping against me like a rubber band. “What?”
“Orem took him through the portal when they vanished. Willow saw the whole thing.”
The world goes very still.
My breath stutters. Grant, gone? The man is a force to be reckoned with; it’s hard to believe he’s missing.
“You’re just now telling me?” Rowen snaps, his voice rising.
Sage steps forward. “Don’t do that. Don’t let the guilt in. You were exactly where you needed to be, and we all know that.”
Rowen heaves a harsh breath, staring through the trees like he’s torn between me and returning to his pack.
Sage puts a hand on his shoulder. “We’ll find him, Ro. Kaine’s already following a lead, and we’re planning a trip to the city. That’s what I came to tell you. William is staying to help us too. There’s only four of them left, and I think…” He shakes his head. “He needs this just as much as we do.”
Rowen doesn’t answer. “How many vamps survived?”
“Three that we know of. And Orem. We killed so many. Their coven is weak now.”
Rowen’s eyes shine wet in the weak sunlight. I press closer. He looks down at me, then sinks to his knees. I crawl into his lap, rubbing my face against his neck.
“He’s gone,” Rowen chokes. “Fuck. Grant’s gone.”
Something cracks open in my chest, grief spilling through the tether, and my body reacts before my mind can, back arching and arms twisting in an unnatural direction.
Rowen and Sage step back. I shudder as my bones reshape, fur disappears into skin, and teeth become dull.
For a long, miserable minute, I think I’m going to break apart—but then I’m human again, gasping, naked, and shaking in the cold.
I shake my limbs out. “Okay. That is… so freaking weird.”
Rowen and Sage both laugh, then Rowen tosses me the bag of spare clothes. “Welcome back.”
I turn away from Sage as I pull the pants on, my skin flushed red. “And the whole nudity thing? Yeah, that’s gonna take some getting used to too.”
He smirks. “You didn’t seem to mind when I was naked.”
“That’s different.”
“Why?”
“Because I like your ass. I don’t need everyone else seeing mine.”
He smirks. “I wouldn’t worry. It’s a cute ass.”
“Rowen!”
“What? Facts are facts.”
Despite everything—the grief, the exhaustion—I laugh. The sound feels fragile, but familiar. It’s so good to be me again.
Once my shirt is on, Rowen closes the distance and catches my face with both hands, thumbs brushing the corners of my mouth.
His eyes dance between mine before he kisses me.
Hard. I melt into it, tasting salt. I don’t know if it’s from his tears or mine.
Grief hits me out of nowhere, knocking the air from my lungs.
I bury my face against his neck and sob—not just for Grant, but for everything.
“I’m sorry,” I whisper for the hundredth time.
“You’ve said that.”
“And I’ll keep saying it until it stops ripping me apart. I almost killed you, Rowen.”
“You didn’t, though. You saved me. Rip would’ve killed me if you hadn’t got there when you did.”
When he says it like that, I can almost let it go. Almost.
When we break apart, I hold his face, kissing him over and over. It’s all I’ve wanted to do these last few days—kiss him and tell him how sorry I am.
“I love you,” I murmur.
He smiles against my lips. “I love you too.”
Sliding an arm around my back, he reaches for the bag. “Come on. Our pack is waiting.”
My heart skitters. Our pack. Is it though, or will they be angry with me?
We walk side by side through the trees with Sage in the lead, and when the clearing opens to the view of the house, I nearly burst into tears again. Something wonderful swells inside me.
Please let me stay.
I can’t bear the thought of being told to leave.
Rowen tugs me closer, telling me silently that everything is going to be okay.
I try to trust him. Right now, it’s all I can do.