Chapter Twenty-Six Allegra
Twenty-Six
Allegra
“Hi, Mom.” I mentally prepare myself for the ire I know is coming. Before talking to Cord, all I knew was that my phone was blowing up, messages from Lucy and my sister, and many, many from my mother. Now that I know why, I know nothing good is coming my way today.
“Hi Mom? That’s all you have to say to me right now?”
“It is the traditional greeting one bestows upon someone when answering a phone call.”
“Now is not the time to get smart with me, young lady. Do you know how many people have sent me texts and emails asking what my daughter is doing dancing onstage at a strip club?”
I sigh, making it nice and loud so she can hear it. “It’s not a strip club, Mom. I was dancing, performing a routine, the thing that is my actual job.”
“Your job is to be an upstanding and hardworking member of one of the most prestigious ballet companies in the world. That is the career I have pledged my time and money to for your entire life.”
As if she needs to remind me.
“And I can do that while also occasionally performing elsewhere should I choose.”
“I can’t believe you got up there and let some stripper maul you like that, Allegra. I don’t see how you could possibly be giving your full attention to the new ballet if this is what you’re doing on the weekends.”
“First of all, Cord wasn’t mauling me. We worked really hard choreographing that number together and I, for one, am proud of how it came out.”
There’s a long moment of silence while she readies her next argument.
When she speaks again, her voice is layered in fake sadness meant to guilt me into doing exactly what she wants.
“I don’t think you understand just how much I sacrificed for you, Allegra.
I don’t think you’ve ever truly known how much I gave up to be your mother, and how much I gave up for you to be able to have the success you do now. ”
Tears fill my eyes, because even though I spent most of my life trying to be the perfect daughter and the perfect dancer, the perfect everything, this isn’t the first time she’s said something like this to me.
On the rare occasion I asked for a day off.
When I told her I didn’t want to leave school to focus on dance.
When an injury was taking longer to heal than expected and I was hesitant to get back to class.
I wasn’t planning on having this moment of reckoning today, but this video seems to have forced my hand. “You made a choice to do that, Mom. You made a choice to give up ballet when you got pregnant. You made a choice to have me. You made a choice to try to relive your own youth by dictating mine.”
“Dictating? Really, Allegra.”
“I love ballet and I love my job and I love my life, but I am not going to sit here and be chastised for doing something that makes me happy. And dancing with Cord makes me happy.”
“Of course. This is about that boy.”
“He’s a thirty-three-year-old successful entrepreneur actually.”
“He’s a thirty-three-year-old disgrace to the ballet community, is what he is.”
I suck in a breath. “That’s not fair.”
“I know exactly who Cord Donovan is. He physically attacked his director and was fired from his company.”
“That’s not the whole story, Mom.” I don’t know why I’m bothering because it’s easy to see she has had her mind made up since long before this video became an issue.
She scoffs. “So this is the kind of man you want to align yourself with?”
“Yes. He’s exactly the kind of man I want to be with.
And I will be with him. I will keep dancing with him.
If you decide you can no longer emotionally and financially support me because of it, then I understand.
” Nausea roils through me at the thought of losing my safety net, but it feels good to finally stand up to her.
“This conversation isn’t over, Allegra.”
“Goodbye, Mom.” And then I do something I haven’t done since I was a teenager. I hang up before she does.
I dress quickly, behind schedule before the day’s even really begun. I skip my morning workout, needing to get to the studio and get focused before class begins.
The second I walk into the studio, it’s clear every single person in the room has seen the video. I make a beeline right for Lucy, who’s here on a Sunday for once, probably for this very reason.
I sink down next to her on the floor, pulling my shoes out of my bag so I have somewhere to direct my attention.
“How are you doing?”
I shoot her a look. “How do you think I’m doing?”
“Have you talked to Cord?”
I nod. “Yeah. He was the one who told me. There’s not much he can do about it at this point. I guess the two of us will need to figure out what we do from here, if anything.”
“It’s good publicity for the club, at least.”
I tug on my pointe shoes, securing the ribbon tighter than I need to. “If only the same could be said for the ballet.”
Lucy shrugs, sticking her legs out in front of her and bending over to stretch. “I don’t know. I think the whole thing could be used as a sort of preview for the new ballet, if you put the right spin on it.”
“Somehow I don’t think David will see it that way.” I’ve barely had time to think about how he’s going to react, and I don’t really want to.
“Have you heard from him yet?”
I shake my head. “After the lecture I had to endure from my mom, I turned off my phone.”
“Probably a wise move.”
Brianna, David’s assistant, comes in then and motions for us all to take our positions for company class.
And, unsurprisingly, class is a bit of a disaster.
I can’t get out of my head, can’t stop thinking about how David is going to react.
I mess up even the most basic of steps, and though she doesn’t call me out, I know Brianna notices every mistake I make, just as I know those errors will get reported to David when class is done.
Brianna dismisses us and immediately glides over to me, her graceful movement out of sync with the severe look on her face. “David wants to see you in his office.”
I swallow thickly, nodding and following her out of the studio because what other choice do I have? Lucy shoots me a tight smile as I walk by. Everyone else turns away from me like I’m branded with a scarlet letter.
“Would you like me to stay?” Brianna asks when we arrive at the door to David’s office.
I nod, unsure my voice is actually working at the moment.
She reaches over and gives my shoulder a quick squeeze before knocking on the door and pushing it open.
The two of us slip into the chairs in front of David’s desk. I give myself a second to breathe before I raise my eyes and look at him.
If I could hear my mother’s anger through the phone lines, I can feel David’s wrath just by looking at him. I guess we’re not taking this whole thing as a publicity opportunity then.
I know better than to speak first, but he lets the silence drag on so long I almost open my mouth to offer my defense. Right when I’m on the verge of cracking, his tirade begins.
“Do you have any idea what you have done, Allegra?”
I resist the urge to tell him that I danced with my boyfriend and everyone should probably stop acting like I killed someone.
“I have been fielding calls from board members, trustees, donors, the press. I have spent my entire day trying to answer for your impetuous, immature, selfish decisions, and I’m wondering why I’m bothering to defend you.
Why I’m explaining away the unexplainable.
So perhaps to start, you should tell me what the hell you were thinking getting up onstage at a strip club and dancing around in your underwear? ”
I take a deep breath. Responding out of anger isn’t going to get me anywhere.
I need to be measured and matter-of-fact if I’m going to get him over to my side.
“I started working with Cord Donovan when I was preparing for my audition for La Courtesan. I knew that I had the skills to dance the part, but I also knew that I was lacking in the performance aspect of the character.” I raise my eyebrow ever so slightly, hoping it’s a reminder of the words he said to me.
Words that I could have reported, but did not.
“Taking outside classes is highly discouraged, Allegra, and you know that.” He glares at me.
“Discouraged but not forbidden. And no one can deny the results.” I pull my shoulders back. “Dancing with Cord helped me find this character and embrace my sexuality onstage. The routine we performed this weekend was one that we worked on during our lessons together.”
“That does not explain to me why you thought it was okay to perform the piece in front of an audience.” David’s stare is penetrating and I can’t help but feel like nothing I say is going to make any bit of difference.
“Cord asked me to perform the piece to test it in front of an audience, and I did. If you think about it, the piece going viral and being connected to the company could be used as a publicity tool when it comes time to promote the new ballet.” It’s the exact wrong thing to say and I realize it the moment the words are out of my mouth.
“You think I am going to promote my ballet being tied to a group of shirtless idiots who prance around while women throw money at them?”
My cheeks flush with rage. “That is not what the show is, and it’s not who the dancers are either. But even if that were the case, there wouldn’t be anything wrong with that.”
“You’re right. I don’t really give a shit what a bunch of nobodies who couldn’t hack it in ballet choose to do with their time.” His fists clench. “But I do care when one of my dancers and therefore my company get dragged into the debauchery.”
I fight not to roll my eyes. “If it’s this big of an issue, then I won’t dance the piece with Cord again until after the new ballet opens.”
He huffs the kind of laugh that lets me know he finds none of this amusing.
“You won’t dance up on that stage ever again, Allegra.
Not while you’re a member of this company.
” He pulls a piece of paper from his desk.
“Let me remind you that you are under contract here. You are legally not allowed to dance for anyone other than BNY without express written permission. I could fire you right now for breach of contract.”
My heart stops in my chest. Of course I was aware of this clause in our contracts, but it’s mostly seen as perfunctory.
Dancers perform with other companies all the time, and as long as it doesn’t interfere with their company schedule, it’s never a problem.
I certainly have never had to seek written permission before.
David smirks when a minute passes and I don’t say anything. “Lucky for you, we’re too far into rehearsals and your understudy isn’t up to the task, so you won’t be getting fired. Not today anyway.”
It doesn’t bring me much relief.
David leans forward, his arms crossed on his desk. “Here’s what’s going to happen. You are obviously not to go anywhere near that theater, let alone step foot on its stage.”
I nod, keeping my head down so I don’t have to look him in the eye. It sucks that I won’t get to visit the guys at rehearsal, or watch the performances, but if this is what it takes to keep my job, then it’s what I’ll do.
“And you will not be seen with Cord Donovan, at his theater, at this theater, anywhere in the entire fucking city.”
My head snaps up. “What? I can’t see him at all? You can’t tell me to do that.”
“Of course I can. Your contract also has a morality clause and since you are a subject of high public interest right now, all eyes will be on you. If you are seen in public with a man who is damaging to BNY’s reputation, the morality clause can be invoked.”
I wrestle down the tears because I will not let this man see me cry. “That isn’t fair, and you know it. You don’t have a right to dictate my private life.”
“Your private life isn’t private right now, Allegra, and that has nothing to do with me. These are the consequences of your own actions.”
“So my options are break up with my boyfriend or be fired?” Even just saying it out loud is ludicrous.
David shrugs, and I know he’s smart enough not to give me a direct ultimatum, especially not with a witness sitting in the room. “I’m not telling you what to do, I’m just advising you of the extremely difficult position you have put me in.”
“You are telling me what to do.” I fight not to sound like a petulant teenager, but I don’t think I succeed.
“I’m simply reminding you of the specific clauses of the legally binding contract you signed.” He sits back in his chair, hands laced together and resting on his stomach. “Now if you don’t have further questions, I have work to do.”
I practically jump from my chair, needing to get out of this room before I completely lose it.
Brianna calls my name as I run down the hall toward the dressing room, but I ignore her.
I don’t know how I’m supposed to focus on a rehearsal right now, but I do know I need a minute by myself before I can even think about dancing.
Closing myself in a bathroom stall, I let my back fall against the tiled wall, one hand covering my mouth to tamp down on the sobs pouring from me. I don’t have my phone with me, but I don’t even know who I would call in the moment. Certainly not Cord.
Cord.
How the hell am I going to tell him about this?
We just decided to give this a chance and now I have to tell him we can’t be seen in public together.
I have to believe it won’t be forever. Eventually the online hype will die down and at that point I can get away with doing whatever I want outside of the ballet studio.
But until then, our relationship just got a lot more complicated.
But I can’t think about that right now. Cord, and our relationship, will have to wait a few more hours.
I unlock the stall door, splash some water on my face, and blow my nose. My eyes are still red and puffy and everyone in the room is going to know something major just happened.
But I pull my shoulders back as I enter the studio. It’s just me and Sam and our understudies today and Sam flashes me a sympathetic smile as we take our first positions. I know I can’t let on that anything is wrong, not to Sam, not to the assistants, and most definitely not to David.
And so I drop the mask in place. I’ve been wearing it my whole life.
When I was tired and sick and injured and burned-out, but couldn’t allow myself to take a single day off from ballet, I shut down my brain and let my muscle memory take over.
It’s like I’m floating, hovering over the rehearsal room while some puppet who looks just like me completes the steps down below.
I let my body move to the music, and I forget about everything else.