Chapter Twenty-Nine Cord
Twenty-Nine
Cord
I sit at one of the tables in the middle of the audience at the Six Pact theater. It’s a seat I’ve occupied hundreds of times, in a building I practically lived in in the early days of the show, before I made enough money to buy the space for myself. And yet everything about it just feels wrong.
I rub a hand over my face, forcing my eyes back to the stage. Noah and Ivy are rehearsing their number. Our number. Noah and Ivy are good, better than good really, but something about their performance is still off.
I’ve watched the viral videos of us a million times by now.
I told myself it was for practical purposes—I needed to be able to teach the choreography.
I would have erased the whole damn dance from my mind if I could, but my marketing team expressly forbid me from ignoring this opportunity.
Millions of people have watched the video, are clamoring to see the dance in person, and I would be foolish not to capitalize on that kind of popularity and demand.
Tickets for the show are sold out for months.
And I need to give the people what they want.
Of course, what they want is me and Allegra. And I can’t give them that.
My stomach clenches. As soon as I think of her, my body rebels against me. It’s hard to breathe, hard to keep food down, impossible to think straight. Impossible to keep myself from aching for her, from wanting her with such a need I almost forget why I let her leave.
That’s what’s missing, I realize, from Noah and Ivy’s performance. The want, and the need. Sure, they’re both attractive people, but they don’t want each other. Not the way Allegra and I wanted each other. There’s no way to fake that.
Unfortunately, no amount of tortured rehearsal is going to give them that spark.
I wait for them to finish their run-through before I stand.
“I think that’s enough for today. That was great.
You guys are ready.” I don’t believe it, not truly, but I also know there’s nothing I can do to give them the extra edge.
Maybe they just need to find it when it comes time to perform for an audience.
Noah’s hands rest on his hips, his chest heaving as he regains his breath. “You sure?”
I nod. “You know I wouldn’t put you out there if I didn’t think you could handle it.”
Ivy crosses the stage and grabs her water bottle and her bag. “Cool. I’ll see you guys tomorrow night then. I’ve gotta run and teach a class.” She waves over her shoulder as she exits the theater.
I start for my office, but before I can get far, my steps are cut off by a block of muscle. “Did you need something, Noah?”
“Yeah. I need you to cut the shit and tell me why you’re making us do this dance.” He crosses his arms over his chest in a move that would probably intimidate someone who didn’t know he’s a teddy bear on the inside.
“The dance has gone viral, Noah. You know this. People want to see it.”
“People want to see you, Cord. You and Allegra.”
“Yeah, well. That’s not happening.”
“You could wait until her run of La Courtesan is up if she’s too busy right now, you know. People will wait for the performance if it’s going to be the one they want.” He raises an eyebrow. “Don’t you think she’s worth the wait?”
“Of course she’s worth the wait,” I say softly.
“But this isn’t about a conflict of dates, Noah.
She doesn’t want me.” It’s the first time I’ve voiced the sentiment out loud.
Despite Chloe badgering me for details, I haven’t been ready to talk about it, and so I’ve just been stewing, making myself fucking miserable.
Noah pushes me into a chair, taking the one opposite for himself. “Tell me what happened, Cord.”
I shut my eyes for a second, as if that will help keep the walls in place.
But it’s a fruitless attempt. I know Noah will sit and wait for me to be ready, so I don’t keep him waiting, relaying everything that happened after the video went viral, everything she said to me, and everything I said to her.
Reliving that night sends my body into meltdown mode again.
I think if I had to do it a hundred more times, it would hurt the same each and every time.
I don’t think losing her is ever going to not hurt.
Noah lets out a low whistle when I finally finish. “Jesus, Cord.”
“I know. I knew it was going to happen, and yet I’m somehow still surprised that the moment she had a choice, she chose ballet.” I’d been a fool to let myself hope that what we had was something real.
Noah looks at me as though I’m an idiot. “She only chose ballet because you made her choose.”
“I didn’t make her choose, her fucking asshole director made her choose.”
Noah shrugs. “I mean, the guy does sound like a dick, but he’s not the one dating her. He’s her boss. You are the one who was supposed to stand by her and support her.”
My mouth drops open, incredulous. “Are you trying to say this is my fault?”
“Of course it’s your fucking fault, you complete moron.
She told you from the beginning that ballet is her life, that she’s worked too hard for this opportunity to give it up, and at your first chance to stand by her and lift her up, you gave her an ultimatum.
You know how much this part meant to her and you expected her to what?
Quit the show?” Noah’s voice rises and I’ve never heard him sound so angry before.
It’s only the shock of it that keeps me from yelling right back.
“So what, I was supposed to just hide our relationship? Never be seen in public with my own girlfriend?” My hackles raise, my shoulders along with them, tight with tension.
“Yeah, Cord, you could have hid your relationship for a few weeks. I wouldn’t think it would be too hard to be confined to your apartment with your megahot girlfriend. I would have relished the opportunity myself.” He grins, winking.
I punch him in the shoulder. “Take it easy over there.”
“Just saying. There are worse things.” He leans back in his chair. “You seemed to really care about her.”
“I do. I did.” I cross my arms over my chest, heart aching.
“Then why would you ask her to do that?”
“You seem to be suggesting that I’m the one who fucked up here.”
Noah laughs. “I’m not suggesting it, Cord. I’m flat-out telling you, you fucked up.”
“Maybe I did, but I don’t think it changes anything. Clearly ballet was always going to come between us. It was inevitable.”
He shakes his head slowly, like a parent who could not be more disappointed. “Whatever, man.” Pushing back his chair, he heads for the dressing rooms in the back of the theater. “Fix your shit.”
I flip him off, but he doesn’t see because he doesn’t turn around. I trust Noah, and he knows me better than almost anyone. If he thinks this was all my fault, he’s probably right.
The thought knocks me back into my seat.
I rise from the table in a daze, heading for the front exit so I don’t have to cross paths with anyone on my way out.
This isn’t my fault. I told Allegra what I needed from her, and she couldn’t do it. Sure, maybe what I was asking was too much, but she knew that from the beginning.
Just as you knew the choice she would make from the beginning, a voice in my head whispers. It sounds, unfortunately, a lot like my sister.
I walk the two blocks back to my apartment, even though I’ve come to think of it as the scene of the crime.
I’ve been spending as little time here as possible.
But maybe it’s time to face reality. Allegra and I were never meant to be.
There are some issues that just can’t be solved by a compromise or a conversation or some choreography.
Love doesn’t actually conquer all. I’ve always known that, now it’s time to accept it.