9. Coraline
9
Coraline
Present Day
I’m standing in the master bathroom of the rental house, double checking my appearance. It’s Sunday. We’re going to church today for the first time in over a year, and it will be my first time attending service at Grace Haven in seven years.
I know that it's the perfect church for raising a family—I just hope my boys will love it as much as I once did.
I decided to wear a flowy, midi dress. It’s my favorite shade of lavender and has a white floral print on it. The sleeves are short and fit loosely, not too tight but also not too big. I paired the dress with a pair of nude pumps.
My strawberry blonde hair is curled in loose waves and pulled half up and half down with a white hair bow. I applied a light pink lip gloss and kept my makeup toned down.
I nervously run my hands down my dress to smooth it out for a third time. I need to go check on the kids and see if they’re ready yet. We have to leave in fifteen minutes, and Michael always makes us run a little bit behind. I don’t want to get there late today and have even more eyes on us.
I can’t help but wonder what everyone will think of me when they see me with my two sons and no wedding ring. Will they think less of me? Will they try to kick me out? Will they know all the things I've done and call me out on it?
I exit the master bedroom and walk across the hallway to the room that the boys are sharing. There are two, twin sized beds on each side of the room—one for Harrison and one for Michael.
Harrison’s bed is filled with all of his favorite stuffies and a mountain of pillows.
Michael’s bed is more simple. He only has one stuffy on his bed, his favorite teddy that Nash bought for him when he was a baby. My heart squeezes when I notice the bear. Nash may have turned into a monster, but to that little boy he’s still his daddy.
The kids aren’t in their room, so I walk down the rest of the hallway to the living room.
Harrison is sitting in the recliner watching TV and eating a chocolate chip muffin. Thankfully, he’s completely ready.
I inspect his outfit—a new gaming t-shirt, a pair of jeans and a matching pair sneakers.He did an awesome job on picking out his outfit. I've been trying to let him do more for himself so he can develop a sense of independence but I also don't want him to walk around looking like a mad man.
“Good morning bub,” I say in a sing-song voice. “How are you?”
“I’m fine,” he replies shortly, not looking up from the TV.
“Are you excited to meet some kids your age today?”
“That would be cool I guess,” he gives me a small smile.
“Have you seen Michael? I already checked the bedroom.”
“Yep,” he nods. “He’s in the kitchen getting some cereal.”
I turn the corner to the kitchen and see Michael sitting on the ground. He’s scooping up his favorite cereal that’s been spilled all over the kitchen floor.
“I’m sorry mom,” he says as he looks up at me with his big brown eyes. “I thought I could get it by myself. I was just hungry. I will clean it up, I promise! Please don’t be mad at me.”
Guilt stabs me in the chest. Am I mad that he made a mess? No, not even in the least bit. It’s literally just cereal.
I recognize that this is something that would have sent Nash into a spiral. He always overreacted over the tiniest things. It got worse this past year, along with his overconsumption of alcohol.
I kneel down on the floor next to him and scoop him into my arms. “Sweetheart, I’m not mad at you. Accidents happen and it’s not a big deal. We can buy you some more cereal while we are out today.” I press my lips to his cheek and wipe his tears away with my hands.
“Thank you, Mama,” he says as he sniffles. I realize that yet again, I made the right decision for my kids and for myself. The mark that Nash has left on us, will never fully go away.
I turn the car into the church parking lot and pull into an unoccupied space. The lot used to be gravel and dirt. It’s recently been paved and painted.
Grace Haven looks like a typical small, southern church. It’s made out of brick and there’s a white steeple with a cross located on top of the building. The windows on the sides of the church walls are made out of blue stained glass.
When I was growing up, the windows were one of my favorite things about the church. When we would go to evening services, the sunlight would filter through the stained glass and cast an array of blue hues. It always felt serene and peaceful.
An aged marquee sign is nestled in the front of the church surrounded by a bed of colorful summer flowers. The church's name, Grace Haven, is painted at the top of the sign, along with Pappy's name as pastor.
I turn my attention to the clock in my car, nine fifty-five. We made it five minutes early. This is a good time to arrive when you want to walk straight in, get a seat and avoid talking to everyone.
I glance around the parking lot to make sure Shae’s car is here, and then I shut the car off. She texted me the other day and invited us. She mentioned that their children's program has really grown the past few years, and I know that it will be good for my kids.
I scramble to get myself and Harrison and Michael out of the car while making sure I don’t forget anything. I grab both of their hands, and we walk together to the front doors.
Once we enter the building, an overwhelming wave of nostalgia and anticipation washes over me. The church usher, my great uncle, is welcoming everyone as they enter. He notices me and my children, and his face lights up.
“Well, if it isn’t Miss Coraline Jennings,” he chuckles. “I have missed you more than you could ever imagine. I am so glad to see you!” he says, embracing me in a hug.
“It’s nice to see you too, Uncle Timothy.” I say, giving him a real smile. His hug and the kindness in his eyes has already made me feel more comfortable.
“Who are these fine men here with you today?”
“This is Harrison, and this is Michael. They're my sons,” I reply, my head held high, proud to be their mom.
He shakes both of their hands and pats the top of Michaels head. “It’s very nice to meet you two fellas. Are you all taking good care of your mama?”
“Always,” Harrison replies.
The sound of a bell starts to chime. Grace Haven still rings the church bell when it’s time for service to begin. “We'd better go find a seat,” I say while pulling them along with me through the sanctuary doors.
The sanctuary has a middle aisle with rows of pews on each side. The flooring throughout the entire church is still the old original hardwood, and another one of my favorite things about the church. The walls are painted a creamy white, and a few portraits of Jesus are mounted on them.
I start to feel a panicky sensation in my chest when I realize that Shae is sitting all the way up front, three rows back from the first pew. Everyone at Grace Haven is definitely going to notice us now if we sit front and center with her.
I swallow my pride and walk down the aisle to sit with her despite the voice in my head telling me to turn around and run back out the door. Once she sees us, her eyes light up, and she smiles. I sit down on the padded pew next to her and smirk to myself.
“I was afraid that I'd catch on fire when I entered the sanctuary,” I whisper to Shae. She rolls her eyes and playfully shakes her head at me.
One of the church deacons approaches the podium, greets everyone, and opens the service with a prayer. I bow my head and pretend to pray along with him.
All of a sudden, goosebumps rise up my arms. I lift my head and look across the aisle. My stomach drops. At this point it feels like Jesse is following me. I went seven years without hearing a single peep from him, and now I feel like he’s there every time I turn around.
I notice yet again that he’s only gotten more good looking. I was hoping he would be overweight and bald but that’s not the case. It’s really not fair.
He’s wearing a blue-button down shirt with the sleeves rolled up to his muscular forearms. He has on khaki dress pants that fit him perfectly. His blue eyes meet mine and I blush. He totally caught me checking him out.
What's gotten into me? I’m supposed to hate him. He didn’t want anything to do with Harrison. I cannot entertain him. I make an effort to keep my head straight ahead the rest of the service, trying to ignore the hole he's staring into me.
The deacon steps away from the podium, and it’s time for the choir to sing. Grace Haven still sings out of hymn books that are older than everyone in attendance.
Granna is playing the piano as the congregation sings along with the choir. She messes up on a note but only Pappy catches it— and me, of course. I don’t miss the look they give each other and their smiles. It’s like they're speaking to each other through their facial expressions alone. I've always wanted a love like theirs. Maybe one day I will have it.
Next, it’s time for prayer requests. Every church has its own way of handling them. Grace Haven is old-fashioned and small, so anyone with a request just speaks it out loud, which is incredibly anxiety-inducing for me
Several people request prayer for the sick. I recognize that some of the names mentioned are patients of mine.
“I have an unspoken prayer request.”
I refuse to turn my head and look at him. I can physically feel how clammy my palms are and how red my face is getting. I’m starting to get hot, despite it actually being kind of chilly in the sanctuary.
They must’ve installed a new AC unit over the years, which they desperately needed. Nothing worse than facing conviction and being on the verge of a heatstroke.
After everyone is done praying, it's time for the kids to go out to their classes. They separate the classes by age. Harrison and Michael are in two different groups and once they realize that, they turned around and gave me a nervous glance. I nod reassuringly at them and give a thumbs up.
I’m astonished at the number of children that are in attendance today. I know Shae had mentioned that the program was doing really well but I didn’t realize it was this large of a group for such a small church.
My heart swells with pride. I’m so glad that Grace Haven has created this safe space for kids to come together, learn about God, and make friendships that will last a lifetime.
I lean over to Shae and whisper, “Do they still fill all the kids up with cheeseballs?”
“Yes, of course,” she whispers back and pats my leg.
Once the kids are in their respective classes, Pappy approaches the podium and begins his sermon. It's the strangest thing because it was exactly what I needed to hear.
It’s almost like he looked inside my mind and was preaching right at me, even though I know that’s not possible. Pappy knows what I’ve been going through at home with Nash and the kids, but he had no way of knowing I was coming today.
He preached on forgiving those who have wronged us and letting go of the things of this world that are weighing down our spirits.
I feel a pull so strong to go up to the altar, to pray, and lay down all my burdens, rededicating myself to God. But, my anxiety starts to take control, and I feel like everyone’s eyes are on me.
My breathing speeds up, and I feel like the walls are closing in on me.
I can’t stand the idea of so many people watching me and judging my every move, especially Jesse. Maybe I’ll do it another day—if I come back.