Chapter 10
10
Zahir Chatterjee was acting clinical lead in A what almost certainly would have happened if Lijah hadn’t been there to intervene and take some of the brunt of the attack himself.
‘Are you okay?’ Aidan asked as Amy came out of the cubicle where she’d left Lijah. It wasn’t just her concern for Monty that was weighing heavily on her, she was worried about Lijah too. The years felt like they’d peeled away when she’d first seen him, as if Lijah had been a town or two away all this time, living an ordinary life that mirrored her own. But as much as she wanted to believe that fame hadn’t changed him, she knew there was no way he could be the same old Lijah. The reactions of other patients, and even some of the staff, had been enough to tell her that. His fame set him apart, he wasn’t the same as everyone else, and it had taken her less than an hour in his company to see that there were serious downsides to that.
When Nick had started talking about how they could smuggle Lijah out of the hospital without him being papped or mobbed by fans, Lijah had pulled a face, and it was obvious he found the mention of fans and press uncomfortable. She’d read the stories online about his so-called breakdown, and having witnessed his relationship with Maria first hand, she knew how much her death would have affected him, but he seemed incredibly tense in a way that went beyond his grief. She’d seen the same thing before with patients in recovery from some kind of trauma, as if they were in permanent fight or flight mode, because they didn’t feel comfortable anywhere.
Lijah might be back in his home town, but he didn’t fit in like the old Lijah any more. Amy was certain Maria would have provided him with a sense of home, even as his fame increased, but now she was gone and that had to make him feel rootless. It was hard for Amy to imagine when her whole life was so firmly embedded here. She couldn’t walk down the street without bumping into someone she knew, and if she needed a friend there was always someone she could drop in on. Living her whole life in the area had made her part of a community she couldn’t imagine finding anywhere else, and it felt like her safe place whatever troubles she might be facing. Lijah couldn’t walk down the street either, but for entirely different reasons, and not even Port Kara could be his safe place any more. He probably had more money than he could ever spend, but Amy wouldn’t want to trade places with him. Looking at the concern on Aidan’s face as he waited for her to respond, she knew she had something money couldn’t buy, and she was so grateful to have the support of her friend in the midst of her worries about Monty.
‘I don’t think I’m going to be any good to the patients, I just can’t think straight.’ Despite all the assurances, Amy couldn’t get the image of the little dog, lying bloodied and broken, out of her head. She needed to see Monty for herself before she could really believe he’d be okay. Working in A it looks like it’s been sculpted out of marble, but then I guess you know that.’
Heat flushed Amy’s face. Nick had always been good at embarrassing her, and she wished she had a quick response that would turn things around on him, but all she could think of was just how nice Lijah’s bum had always been. That was one thing the press hadn’t got wrong. Thankfully Lijah was far more ready with a rebuff.
‘The only famous arse here is you, Nick. See what I have to contend with? He’s supposed to be helping me.’ Lijah shook his head and looked at Amy. ‘Are you going to the vets?’
‘Yes.’ Amy nodded. ‘But I walked to work this morning, so I’m going home to grab my car, because the vet is in Port Tremellien.’
‘I can take you.’ Lijah’s offer was tempting and not just because it meant Amy could get to Monty sooner, but she shook her head.
‘You can’t drive with your hand like that.’
‘Maybe not, but Nick can.’
‘I’m sure you’ve both got better things to do than?—’
‘We really haven’t.’ Lijah cut her off and shrugged. ‘I’m supposed to be writing songs, but I think I’m going to have to get a job with Hallmark cards at this rate, because all I can come up with is cheesy lines that have been written a hundred times before, but in a far better way.’
‘I highly doubt that.’ Amy didn’t believe it for a minute. Lijah had even more awards for songwriting than singing. She’d seen the pride in Maria’s face every time it happened, and the awards had usually ended up in her cottage, as Lijah never seemed to settle in one place for long.
‘Oh it’s true. This is what I came up with yesterday, after spending the whole day trying to write. Brace yourself, because it’s terrible.’ Lijah let go of a long breath, before singing the lines he’d written, in a low voice, with a melody Amy knew was going to be impossible to get out of her head. He tapped the beat by drumming his fingers of his good hand on the cubicle trolley, and Amy was taken back to another time and place again, when she’d first witnessed the way music just seemed to flow through him. ‘I’m surrounded by a crowd, but I’m drowning in the absence of you. The loneliness you left me is a raging storm that I can’t get through.’
‘It’s sounds pretty good to me.’ Maybe the lyrics weren’t the best, but the rawness of his tone made her skin tingle, the way it always had done whenever she heard him sing live. When the words came out of his mouth, it was like he was laying all his emotions bare. It was what had made him stand out from the crowd amongst thousands of other aspiring singers.
‘It’s awful and you’ve got to let me come and see Monty, so I’ve got an excuse not to get back to the writing, because who knows what rubbish I’ll come up with next?’ Lijah pushed his hat up so that she could see his eyes. They were the colour of conkers and she’d never seen anyone else with quite the same shade. ‘My whole career could be hanging on this, so you’ve got to agree to us driving you to the vets.’
‘Well when you put it like that.’ Part of Amy knew it was dangerous to spend even a moment more with Lijah Byrne. Losing him had smashed her heart to smithereens once, and it had taken her years to stop missing him. Their worlds were a million miles apart now, and he’d be gone again soon. It was obvious he didn’t belong here any more and he’d probably leave as soon as he’d come up with a new song he was happy with. She’d already found herself hoping that would take far longer than planned. It was stupid, even if Lijah was in Port Kara, their paths probably wouldn’t cross again. She was hardly likely to bump into him in the queue to buy a lottery ticket in the Co-op. She had to remember this was just a fleeting reconnection with her past. Nothing more.
‘That’s settled then. Let’s go and see Monty.’ Lijah placed his good hand gently on her back as they headed out of the cubicle and she tried to put the jolt of electricity that passed through her body down to the memory of her first ever love. She couldn’t let herself acknowledge that no one since had ever come close, not even Zach. Lijah might think his lyrics were terrible, but Amy really had felt as though she was drowning in loneliness when he’d left Port Kara. So there was no way she was going to allow herself to indulge in the stupid fantasy of having Lijah back in her life, especially when everything that had happened since had proved that ending things on her terms was the right decision. Once they’d seen Monty, they’d go back to their vastly different lives and all she had to do in the meantime was stop her stupid heart from attaching itself to him for a second time. Otherwise, it would only have itself to blame when it got broken all over again.
* * *
Monty was truly amazing. With everything he’d been through he should have been feeling extremely sorry for himself, but as soon as he spotted Amy and Lijah his tail started thudding against the bottom of the crate where he’d been put to keep him safe during his recovery. Nick had stayed out in reception, where Dolly had been waiting ever since she and Monty had been dropped off, so it was just Lijah with Amy in the recovery area. The size of the wound on Monty’s back leg made Amy gasp in shock, and when Lijah reached out to take her hand another jolt of electricity went through her. This was not a good idea, and she withdrew her hand like she’d been burnt.
‘My poor little boy.’ Amy pushed a finger through the bars of the crate, gently stroking the fur on this front paw, well away from his injury, and she earnt herself a lick with his sandpaper rough tongue, his tail thudding away again.
‘He’s such a great dog. He reminds me of Buster.’ There was a pang in Lijah’s voice and it was Amy’s turn to squeeze his hand. Buster had been Lijah’s dog when he was a teenager and although bigger than Monty, he’d had the same black and white colouring. Buster’s tail had always been thudding against the furniture in delight at being surrounded by his favourite humans, too, and he used to wedge himself between Lijah and Amy, or between them and Maria, making sure he was in the heart of the action.
‘Me too, but just look at the poor little thing. I’m going to be paranoid about him knocking the wound when I’m not around. I’m sure Mum will come to my place to keep an eye on him until she starts her new job, but I don’t think it would be a good idea for him to stay with her once she starts work. I’ll just have to see if I can get a bit of time off.’
‘I could look after him when you’re working.’ Lijah might as well have told her he was going to paint himself purple, the idea was just as ridiculous.
‘That’s a really kind offer, but you’re busy writing and, once I get Monty home, I can’t keep moving him around. He’s going to need peace and quiet, and the comforts of home.’
‘We all need that.’ The note of sadness was back in Lijah’s voice again and it made something tighten in Amy’s chest. She’d been right about how he was feeling, she was sure of it. ‘I can write terrible lyrics anywhere. So I can easily come and dog sit at your place.’
‘Don’t be silly, I couldn’t ask you to do that.’ The thought of Lijah in the close confines of her flat made the pace of Amy’s pulse pick up.
‘You didn’t ask me to do it, I offered.’ Lijah’s voice was soft and low. ‘And you’d be doing me a favour, I need something other than writing to think about. A bit of dog sitting would be the perfect distraction. An excuse for why I’m not writing and who knows, maybe this handsome little boy will inspire me.’
‘Is that still where you get your inspiration from? Stuff in your everyday life?’ Amy’s eyes met his and a smile spread across his face, making her pulse break into a gallop.
‘You must have recognised yourself in some of my songs. That’s assuming you don’t switch them off the moment they come on.’ He looked straight at her, and she flushed bright red.
‘I did wonder, but I can’t believe your songs are about me. Those days seem so… I don’t know, so far away.’ She was tripping over the words, but he was still smiling.
‘It was perfect though, wasn’t it? Those three summers when all we had to worry about was ourselves and each other.’
‘Life was certainly simpler then.’ Amy sighed. Lijah was right, it was as if they’d existed in a world of their own creation, one that didn’t last, but she could see how he might be inspired by it, because it had felt pretty perfect back then.
‘Coming back here was an attempt to recapture that feeling of home, but being in the beach house is like being in a gilded cage. I’m away from everything and everyone, apart from Nick, and the two of us see far too much of one another as it is. So, I’d love the chance to help out with Monty.’
‘Okay.’ Even as she found herself agreeing, Amy wanted to clamp her hand over her mouth for continuing this dangerous game. She was letting Lijah infiltrate her life, and it was clear he was bored and restless and filled with nostalgia for a time that would be impossible to recapture. She needed to try and keep things as business like as possible between them. ‘If you’re sure, it would really help, because we’re already short staffed at work.’
‘I’m positive and, like I said, you’ll be doing me a favour. Maybe I can take you out to dinner, to thank you for giving me a reason to get away from the blank page that’s staring back at me every time I sit down to write.’
‘I don’t think that’s a good idea.’ He looked genuinely disappointed at her response. She didn’t want to hurt his feelings, but she had to protect herself. Shrugging, she kept her tone deliberately light. ‘We can’t both go out at the same time and leave Monty, but I can’t thank you enough for offering to help out and most of all for stopping that dog from hurting Monty even more than it did.’
‘Anyone would have done it.’ Lijah was smiling again, but the sadness in his eyes made Amy’s throat burn. She’d always hated it when he was sad, but she was certain he’d get over her turning down his offer of dinner almost immediately. She had no such confidence in her ability to get over him for a second time, and if it came down to a choice about whose heart to protect, she had to choose her own.
* * *
Nick had been talking non-stop all the way back from the veterinary surgery and, until they’d dropped Dolly and Amy off, it was easy for Lijah to hide the fact that he was finding it hard to respond. He felt like an idiot for asking Amy out and expecting her to say yes. He was an arrogant fool, too used to being surrounded by people whose job it was to keep him happy to realise that some people had no interest in getting involved in the circus that was his life. Amy had always been her own person, that was one of things he’d loved about her. And he had loved her, more than he’d ever realised. Who the hell did he think he was, thinking she’d have any interest in going out with him again, after he’d chosen his career over their relationship, like it was nothing. It hadn’t been nothing; it had been such a huge part of his life, and something he’d never been able to replicate. Amy had been so easy to be around, such good company, and he’d taken that for granted, because she’d never asked much of him. But they’d both changed; he’d seen her professionalism today and just how good she was at the job she’d always dreamed of doing. He couldn’t expect her to just step in and be there for this latest crisis, not after a decade with almost no contact.
‘Are you okay? You’re very quiet.’ When they were back at the beach house, Nick finally seemed to realise that Lijah had barely uttered more than a few words since they’d left the veterinary surgery.
‘Just conserving my energy for my new job as a dog sitter.’ Lijah ran a hand through his hair, wondering if he’d been mad to make the offer and Nick’s response seemed to give him his answer.
‘Lij, what the hell is all of that about mate? Please tell me you haven’t convinced yourself that you’ve still got feelings for Amy.’
‘No, of course I haven’t.’ His response sounded unconvincing, even to his own ears.
‘Good, because getting involved with someone from here would be a crazy idea.’
‘Funny that, because I could have sworn I heard you arranging a time to meet up with Dolly for a drink.’
‘It’s different for me.’ Nick’s expression was open. ‘No one knows who I am, and no one is going to be following me, looking to take photos, or splashing pictures of the girl I’m with all over the internet. People can end up getting hurt when they’re caught up in all of that, you know that as well as anyone. I know you think too much of Amy to put her through that, for the sake of something you know won’t last. We’ll be gone in a couple of months. Don’t leave a trail of destruction in your wake mate, that’s all I’m saying. Amy’s great, and she definitely doesn’t deserve that.’
‘You’re right and don’t worry, I’ve got no intention of seeing Amy anywhere but inside the four walls of her flat, when I’m looking after Monty. I just want a bit of normality, that’s all, to remember who I am, and I think it’ll give me that. But we’re just friends, there’ll be nothing to feed the internet, I promise.’ He held up a hand, as if he was about to swear on the bible. He knew Nick was right and the very last thing he wanted was to hurt Amy. He just wished he could find a way of numbing the pain inside himself that never seemed to go away. He wouldn’t go back to self-medicating, but he had to find something that gave him a sense of contentment. He’d spent years thinking that the next thing he achieved would be the thing that would alleviate the constant nagging anxiety that had never truly let him find peace. Except it didn’t matter how many records he sold, how many number ones he had, or how many concert venues he sold out, it never filled up the emptiness inside him. And he was an even bigger idiot to have thought, even for a split second, that Amy could be the one to fill that space. It wasn’t fair on her; she was one of the best people he’d ever known and he’d do whatever it took to keep the promise he’d just made to Nick to ensure she didn’t get hurt.