Chapter 25
25
Lijah hadn’t seen his father in over twenty years. His mother had told him, when he was about eighteen, that it had been their shared love of music that had drawn his parents together initially. They’d met when Maria had gone to a gig at a music festival where Stewart was performing with his band, Surf and Turf. Lijah had almost choked on his dinner, laughing at the name of the band, and he still smiled when he thought about how hard his mother had been laughing that day too. Apparently, Stewart had named the band after his favourite meal, although Maria had said it could have been worse, they’d nearly been called Stewart and the Surfers. Despite her reaction to the band’s name, Maria had accepted an invitation to go for a drink with Stewart, and the rest had been history.
From what Lijah could gather, the pregnancy had surprised both his parents, but Maria had never once used the word ‘accident’ or ‘mistake’ to describe it, despite how flaky his father had turned out to be. For Maria it had only ever been a blessing, and when it became clear that Stewart wasn’t going to change anything about his life to accommodate a baby, it was Claire who’d stepped into the breach. Stewart had joined another band by the time Lijah arrived, and they’d got a job performing on a cruise ship. He hadn’t even met Lijah until he was six months old, and after that the visits only seemed to come when he was down on his luck. Claire had told Lijah about his father knocking on the door of their flat and asking for a place to stay after he’d been sacked from the cruise ship for ‘inappropriate behaviour’. Every time Stewart came back, he’d put on an act for a while that he wanted to make a go of things with his family, but it would only ever last until the next job offer, or the next woman came into his life. Lijah had never understood why his mother had given Stewart so many chances, until his aunt had tried to explain it after Maria’s death.
‘Your mum was always a soft touch.’ Claire had given him a level look. ‘And I think you take after her more than you know. She let him stay, because she couldn’t bear the thought that if she didn’t he might just disappear altogether, and that one day you’d ask why she didn’t give him another chance. I think Maria felt sorry for him in a way too. She always wanted to help everyone, and I think she still hoped Stewart would surprise us all and step up to the plate. But a leopard doesn’t really change its spots, does it?’
Lijah had understood what his aunt was trying to say. He had no memory of his father coming to stay that first time, but it had happened again several times, up until Lijah had turned ten years old. Even at that age, he’d realised his father only came back to them out of desperation not love. He didn’t hear from his dad in between and there’d be months, sometimes years of nothing but silence. On Lijah’s tenth birthday, his father had done another one of his disappearing acts, this time involving the woman who ran the chip shop underneath their flat with her husband. Stewart hadn’t turned up or left a gift. Worse than that, the party Maria had organised for Lijah and a handful of his schoolfriends had descended into chaos after the woman’s husband had stormed up to the flat and demanded to know where Stewart and his wife had gone.
The relationship hadn’t lasted, of course, and the woman had returned to her husband within two weeks. When Lijah’s mother had asked him how his father’s reappearances in his life made him feel, he’d finally felt able to be honest.
‘I don’t like it when he’s here. I prefer it when it’s just us. If he wants to come and see me, that’s okay, I just don’t want him living here, because he always goes again.’ Lijah could still remember how difficult those words had been to say. His aunt was right when she said he was like his mother in many ways, and it hadn’t been easy to ask his mother not to let Stewart keep coming and going. Lijah hated the idea that it might hurt her when she realised that her attempts to keep his father in his life hadn’t been a positive experience for him. But he’d been forced to take the chance of hurting her, to try and make sure Stewart couldn’t keep disrupting the happy home they’d created.
Within a month his father had turned up again, expecting to pick up where he’d left off, the way he always had before, but this time Maria had turned him away. He’d begged and pleaded at first, but when that hadn’t worked he’d stood outside the building shouting abuse and calling Maria and Claire ‘stupid bitches’ and far, far worse things, which had made Lijah boil with rage. His fists had curled into a ball, and he’d wanted to go out into the street and punch his father square in the face, but he’d known how much that would upset his mother. Instead, he’d buried his head in his pillow, so that he couldn’t hear his father shouting, and had pledged never to allow Stewart to be a part of his life again.
His father had sold many stories to the press over the years, about Maria and Claire driving a wedge between him and Lijah, saying he didn’t want anything other than a chance to know the son that he allegedly ‘missed every single day of his life’. There’d no doubt been a pay day for Stewart, but his decision to go to the press had come back to bite him, when several women had come forward accusing Stewart of being abusive and using coercive control. No charges had ever been brought, and Stewart had kept quiet for the last few years, clearly not wanting to poke the hornets’ nest. Despite the fact none of the accusations had led to a prosecution, it was one second chance Lijah wasn’t prepared to give. Men who took advantage of someone else’s vulnerability for their own ends were the lowest of the low. All of that meant it shouldn’t have been a surprise when Nick rang Lijah up with some news.
‘I’ve had a heads up from Pete Mcintyre that your father has been touting a new story to the press. It looks like he’s had an idea to make some money from you and Amy getting back together.’ Pete was one of the few tabloid journalists who seemed to have some integrity, and Lijah and Nick had built up a bit of a friendship with him over the years.
‘How the hell can he do that? Stewart was out of my life long before I even met Amy.’ Lijah had the same desire to punch his father that he’d had the last time he’d seen him. Amy already had enough to contend with, without Stewart getting in on the act.
‘By making stuff up like he always does.’ Nick sighed down the phone. ‘Look, it’s probably nothing, but I thought you should know, so you can prepare Amy to ignore anything she might read.’
‘I’ve already been telling her to do that. But you’re right, knowing that Stewart is about to spout more of his crap will give her a chance to steer clear of that too. Thanks mate.’
‘No problem. That’s what I’m here for, and I will be as long as you need me.’ Nick sighed again. ‘Although we have got to talk about how long that might be, and what we’re doing about the last leg of the tour. The promoters won’t wait forever.’
‘I know, and we’ll sort it out soon, I promise.’ Lijah hated messing his friend around, and the fans who’d booked tickets, but still hadn’t seen him perform. He really would deal with it soon, but for now his priority was supporting Amy through the frenzy their relationship seemed to have stirred up. He just hoped Nick was right and that Stewart’s attempt to sell a story would come to nothing, because the last thing he needed right now was his excuse for a father turning up to make things even harder for Amy than they already were.
* * *
Amy had tried really hard not to look at the photographs of her and Lijah kissing when they’d been shared online, or at any of the comments that had been made about them. But she hadn’t been able to avoid the magazines and tabloid newspapers in the hospital shop that had the image of her and Lijah kissing on their front covers. This was supposed to be her safe space, where she didn’t have to wonder whether people were staring at her and analysing her every move, but the press had eroded that bit by bit. It had started when they’d come into the emergency department and pretended they were patients, and now they were splashing her picture all over magazines and newspapers anyone could pick up. And it wasn’t just her photograph, it was the habit they’d developed of positioning her picture side by side with photographs of Lijah and some of his rumoured previous girlfriends, all of them beautiful and famous in their own right. These women were used to moving in Lijah’s world and they looked like they belonged there. Amy didn’t. They might as well have printed ‘Lijah Byrne is obviously having some kind of breakdown’, because that’s what the pictures said without them actually having to write it.
‘It’ll calm down.’ He’d given her the same assurances as before, but it was like being told to ignore a bully who was everywhere. It was just as impossible as it had been when her mother had told her to ignore the jibes her brother had made while they were still living under the same roof. When it was just Amy and Lijah, life felt pretty damn perfect, and she didn’t want to keep ruining the time they spent together by asking him for reassurance. He had no way of knowing whether the press would eventually lose interest in their story, and he had bigger things to worry about. The promoters were still pushing for a date to reschedule the tour, he had his next album to deliver, and he’d been told to expect another made-up story from Stewart to appear in the press any day, but so far it had been unnervingly quiet.
Amy had been there when his father had dealt him another blow, and withheld the money that Lijah’s paternal grandparents had set aside to help him learn to drive, and to buy him his first car. Maria had kept in contact with them and had made sure Lijah saw them, even after his father walked out for the last time. Sadly they’d both died before Lijah reached his teens, but they’d often told him about the money they’d put aside, which would be his when he turned seventeen. Except when his birthday came around, there’d been no money. His father had long since spent it, denying any knowledge of his parents’ promise. Lijah had been distraught at another kick in the teeth from his father, further evidence that Stewart couldn’t give a damn about him.
Thank God he’d had so much support from his aunt and his mother, but with Maria gone, and Claire’s plans to move to Tenerife gathering pace, Stewart’s latest betrayal must have hit him all the harder. ‘I don’t want to go back on tour, not if it means leaving you,’ Lijah had said, as he trailed a hand down her arm the night before. ‘This is where I want to be.’
‘You’ll miss the thrill of it sooner or later, and I know you, you won’t want to let down the people you’ve made a commitment to.’ She’d smiled then at the look that had crossed his face, knowing she’d been spot on, but it was bittersweet. She didn’t want him to leave either, it felt so much easier to imagine them having a future together when he was right there next to her. Even though she knew he’d have to leave Port Kara eventually, she couldn’t stop herself from suggesting ways to put it off, at least for a little while. ‘Just don’t try to rush it, you’ve been through such a lot this last year.’
‘I won’t be rushing anything, especially not this.’ He’d kissed her then and the rest of the world, and all the pressures it brought with it, had receded again. It would have been so easy to hide away in a little bubble together, but she loved her job, her friends, and her parents, so it was impossible to avoid the real world for long. Instead, she hurried past the hospital shop at the end of her shift, deliberately not popping in for the takeaway latte she’d normally have bought for the journey up to her Mum and Dad’s house. Now that Lijah was staying at her place more or less full time, it had been more than a week since Amy had seen her mum and she’d promised to pop in on the way home, when Kerry would be back from her new part-time job as a school secretary.
Lijah had offered to cook again, ready for when she got back. A curry this time, and his culinary skills had definitely come on during their time apart. He’d made an amazing tagine a few days before, and when she’d asked him where he’d got the recipe, he’d casually mentioned that a friend called Azizza had taught him to make it. Even Amy knew who Azizza was, a beautiful Moroccan singer with the kind of success that meant she only went by her first name. It was another reminder of just how far apart their worlds had become in the ten years since they were last together, and the kind of company he’d kept. Everyone had a past, Amy knew that, but Lijah’s life was like a peacock’s feather, and hers was like a pigeon’s. Why would anyone choose a pigeon over a peacock, when the world was overrun with pigeons?
Her mind was still racing by the time she reached her parents’ place, but she was determined to push all the unwanted thoughts out of her head and enjoy some time with her mum. She’d picked up some chocolate and fresh cream eclairs from the Co-op just up the road from the hospital, and some dog chews for Bernie, to make it up to him for not bringing his best buddy, Monty, to see him. Amy was looking forward to a good catch-up, a cup of tea and a cream filled pastry. Seeing her mum might be one of life’s simple pleasures, but she treasured the opportunity to do so even more these days, knowing it would have been all too easy to take Kerry for granted if she hadn’t witnessed how much losing Maria had affected Lijah.
‘Hello darling.’ Her mother hugged Amy tight the moment she arrived. ‘You look worn out. I’d say I hope they’re not working you too hard at that hospital, but I already know they are.’
‘It does seem busier than usual lately.’ Amy didn’t mention that part of that was down to journalists trying to get in to see her whenever she was on duty. Even when she wasn’t, photographs of the hospital department where she worked still seemed worth the effort of the charade for them. She didn’t tell her mother that another reason for her tiredness was because she wasn’t sleeping. And that when she woke up in the early hours, she often disappeared down an internet rabbit hole, googling things about Lijah and desperately trying to convince herself that she wasn’t setting herself up to get her heart broken all over again.
‘Come on then, let’s have a cuppa. It’s just the two of us for now. Dad’s still at work and Nathan’s gone out on his bike, so it’ll be lovely.’ Her mum linked an arm through Amy’s, giving her a conspiratorial smile. They both knew why it would be lovely without Nathan there. Sometimes Amy wanted to ask her mum how she lived with the constant spectre of her brother’s mood swings, which could change the atmosphere at any moment, and whether it affected her parents’ relationship, but she already knew it did. Nathan was like a real-life version of the people who commented on online articles, occasionally playing nicely, but more often using his words as weapons, with no concern for how that might make someone else feel. So she wasn’t sorry not to be seeing him.
Just as Amy had hoped, the first half an hour at her parents’ house had been just the tonic she needed. She’d chatted with her mum about lots of wonderfully mundane things. Kerry had told Amy all about her new job, and the school headmaster whose head moved back and forwards in a kind of pecking motion when he walked, which had earnt him the nickname Professor Chicken from some of the children.
‘Kids can be horrible, but they don’t mean any harm, at least not in this case.’ Amy’s mother poured them both another cup of tea.
‘I still feel sorry for him. I remember how relentlessly I got teased when Nathan cut my fringe while I was asleep.’ Amy gestured towards one of the framed photographs on the dresser. ‘Look at me. I look like Jim Carrey in Dumb and Dumber .’
‘It was just lucky you didn’t get your eyes poked out, waking up screaming like you did when he was midway through scissoring off your fringe. I had no choice but to even it up.’ Her mother sighed. There’d been so many instances like that, and there was no point Amy asking why her parents hadn’t done more to rein in Nathan’s behaviour. It was a conversation they’d had many times before and it only made her mum and dad feel guilty. Nothing they’d tried with Nathan had any long-lasting effect and in the end they all just seemed to accept that was who he was. Kerry turned away from the photograph to look back at Amy. ‘Anyway, your hair grew back quite quickly, and he only did it because he was jealous. You were such a beautiful little girl.’
You’re the ugly duckling in reverse. Nathan’s favourite insult came back to her as it so often did, but she was saved from responding to her mother by the roar of a motorbike arriving on the driveway.
‘That sounds like Nathan now.’ Amy looked up, wondering if it would upset her mother if she made a dash for the back door before her brother walked in through the front. She just wasn’t sure she could face him.
‘I’ll just put these away.’ Amy’s mother scooped up the plates, with the tell-tale smears of chocolate and cream, almost running into the kitchen, like a guilty dieter about to be caught out. Amy didn’t have to ask what the hurry was, she knew it was because Kerry wanted Nathan to have as little ammunition as possible to comment on his sister’s weight, as he had so often before.
‘Oh, there she is, my celebrity sibling!’ Nathan came into the room, still wearing his motorbike leathers, the smile on his face looking like it had been painted on. ‘I was hoping you’d be here.’
‘It’s nice that Nathan came home early to see you, isn’t it?’ Kerry walked back into the room, the hopeful expression on her face making a lump form in Amy’s throat. Her mum wanted nothing more than to see her two children getting along, but Amy could already tell Nathan was building up to something and, less than five seconds later, he’d pulled a newspaper out of his messenger bag and slammed it down on the table.
‘Have you seen this?’ The smile on his face was stretched even wider now, making him look like the Joker, and Amy was relieved to look away from him until she saw the headline.
Lijah Byrne’s father grooming underage girls with a promise of meeting his son
Even as Amy read the words, she knew it had nothing to do with Lijah, but if she’d needed any indication that the rest of the world might not see it that way, Nathan gave it to her.
‘Makes sense now why he’s been hanging around you. You’re the perfect cover story for a paedo. Who’s going to suspect him of that if he’s supposedly back with his old girlfriend. I knew there had to be some explanation for why he was with you, when he could be with anyone.’ His laugh was high, in pitch and volume, but their mother’s shout cut straight through it.
‘Nathan, stop it!’ Kerry’s face was flushed bright scarlet, but her son was only just getting started.
‘You didn’t seriously think he was with Amy for any other reason do you? Christ, look at her, and look at the sort of women he’s dated since he left this shithole. This explains it all.’
‘I’m going now Mum.’ Amy got to her feet, and when Kerry tried to stop her, she shook her mother off as gently as she could. ‘I’m sorry, but I need to get out of here before I say something I can’t take back.’
‘Nathan, apologise now.’ Her mum looked distraught, and Amy wished with all her heart that Kerry wasn’t caught in the middle of this.
‘She’s just pissed off because she knows I’m right.’
‘Bye Mum.’ Amy planted a kiss on her mother’s cheek, not stopping to hear anything else her brother might have to say. She needed to get out of here, to find Lijah and to tell him that this latest headline proved what she’d suspected all along. It could never work between them. She knew the story wasn’t true and, as much as Nathan’s vicious words had touched a nerve he’d exposed far too many times in the past, that wasn’t the reason she was going to have to end things with Lijah. She couldn’t live like this, at the mercy of whatever lies the press wanted to print, in a goldfish bowl where the concept of privacy would be lost forever. Amy hated being the centre of attention. She’d worked so hard to create a life she was proud of and she couldn’t give that up, not even for Lijah. But she had no idea how she was ever going to be happy again if she let him go a second time.