Chapter 9 #2
‘There’s some family tension at home,’ she said, her voice hushed.
‘Saffy’s Andrew’s daughter – my stepson from my second marriage – and she started university in Birmingham in September but, while we were away, she broke the news that she’s decided not to go back.
Not the Christmas gift any of us expected. ’
‘Oh! That must have been awkward.’
‘It was one of the most memorable family Christmases but for all the wrong reasons. You could have cut the tension with a knife. After I caught Saffy in tears on our final night, dreading going home, I suggested to Andrew and Joanne that she came back with me for a few days to give everyone some space. Joanne had a go at me for interfering but, thankfully, Andrew could see the benefit and managed to calm her down, so I’ve got some company while Andrew and Joanne have some time to digest things. ’
‘Do you think some time apart will make a difference?’
‘I hope so. They’re convinced she wants to drop out because she’s split up with her boyfriend.
Saffy and Kyle were childhood sweethearts and we all thought they’d get married one day so it’s understandable they’d think her decision is because of the break-up, but there’s a lot more to it than that and they weren’t listening to her.
If me being in Joanne’s bad books helps restore peace between Saffy and her parents, so be it.
’ She rolled her eyes at me and I could feel the exhaustion of the family drama emanating from her.
‘Anyway, how was Christmas Day with your sister?’
‘I don’t know if you can really call it Christmas Day when I was only there for ten minutes.’
‘Ten minutes? Why? What happened?’
‘Beats me! She wanted to show me something, she showed me it, then she said I could go, so I did. It was all a bit peculiar.’ I was conscious of being vague.
If we’d been having this conversation on any other day, I’d likely have opened up to Paulette but this was New Year and my emotions were all over the place.
‘Sounds it,’ Paulette said. ‘How come none of us knew you had a sister?’
‘We’re not close.’
‘I gathered that, but why?’
‘There’s a fifteen-year age gap between Marianne and me and I’m pretty sure she resented me coming along. She never showed any interest in me. I tried to just get on with it while Mum was around but she died when I was twelve. After that, being at home with Marianne and our dad was…’
I paused, trying to find the best way to describe it. Difficult? Challenging? They didn’t seem strong enough to describe my hellish teen years. Paulette evidently sensed my struggle and stepped in.
‘You must have stayed in contact, though?’
‘I was twenty-one when I left home to marry Cliff and there was no point inviting them to the wedding because they wouldn’t have come.
Dad was against the marriage and Marianne rarely left the cottage.
I phoned her maybe once a year, but it was always hard work.
The one and only time she called me was to tell me Dad had died. ’
‘When was that?’
‘A long time ago – twenty-one years this February. I saw her at his funeral and I felt really sorry for her. She’d never left home, didn’t have any friends and I was the only family left. I couldn’t imagine what it must be like having no one so I kept in touch more regularly after that.’
‘That was good of you.’
I scrunched up my nose. ‘You think? To be honest, Paulette, it came from a place of obligation rather than desire and I know how awful that sounds.’
‘I still say it was good of you to reach out. Families can be complicated and contact works both ways.’
‘That’s true. Anyway, since then, I’ve only seen her a handful of times, the last one being when I told her Cliff had died. I was stunned when she invited me over for Christmas Day and bewildered when she so obviously didn’t want me there.’
‘Perhaps she thought that Christmas Day would be a good time to reconnect but, when the moment came, she found it too hard to be around anyone for long.’
‘Perhaps, but she’d already spent an hour or two having Christmas dinner with her neighbours, so being around people clearly wasn’t the issue and being around me was.
I just feel…’ I shuddered as I pictured her gaunt appearance and all the mess.
‘I don’t really know what I feel. I wish I could say it was good to see her but it wasn’t.
Being back in that cottage stirred up lots of memories I’d rather have left dormant and now I’m worried about her.
She didn’t look well but she deflected all my questions about it, and the place was in a right state but…
’ I shrugged. ‘She was adamant she wanted me to leave so I did, but I don’t know if that was the right thing to do. ’
‘Sounds like it was the right thing for you and, if your sister was adamant you go, sounds like it was right for her too.’ Paulette sipped on her drink. ‘You never talk about your family. If you ever want to, I’m a good listener.’
‘No, it’s fine. It’s not a big…’ Who was I kidding? It was a big deal and it still affected me nearly four decades after leaving home. I sighed and nodded. ‘Maybe one day. Thanks for the offer.’
Paulette reached across and gently placed her hand on my forearm. ‘Whenever you’re ready. I won’t pressure you but I might remind you every so often that the offer’s there.’
Tears rushed to my eyes once more. Since Cliff died, nobody had shown this level of interest in me.
Betsy had never asked me about the past and it struck me that our friendship had been fairly superficial – companionship as opposed to anything deep – but there was scope for so much more with Paulette if I was brave enough to fully let her in.
‘Same here if you ever want to talk about anything,’ I said.
Paulette squeezed my arm and smiled at me. ‘I might just take you up on that. You know, I miss—’
‘Found it!’ Saffy burst into the room, holding a charger high in her hand. ‘It was at the bottom of the laundry basket. No idea how it got in there.’ She plugged her phone into a spare socket.
‘Is your bedroom trashed?’ Paulette asked.
‘No! Well, maybe a little bit.’
‘Then how about you go back upstairs and sort that out?’
‘Okay.’ Saffy pulled the plug out of the wall.
‘Has your phone suddenly sprouted hands?’ Paulette asked. ‘No? Then I think it can stay where it is, don’t you, because it’s going to be no help tidying?’
Saffy plugged it back in and I wondered for a moment if she was going to sulk but she smiled when she looked up. ‘You know me too well, Grandma.’
‘Teenagers,’ Paulette muttered after Saffy left the room again.
I smiled politely but didn’t say anything. With no children and no nephews or nieces in my life, my only insight into teenagers came from television programmes and films.
We chatted for a little longer, Paulette sharing some tension-free moments from her Christmas away and I complimented her on how beautifully decorated her home was. By the time Saffy reappeared, I’d finished my drink and was ready to head off.
‘It’s been lovely seeing you,’ Paulette said as we reached her front door, ‘and thank you again for the beautiful quilt. I’m going to cherish that.’
‘You’re welcome. Couldn’t think of a better home for it. Hope you and Saffy enjoy your Chinese tonight.’
‘Oh, we will! You enjoy your evening too.’
As she reached for the door handle, I felt bad that I hadn’t offered any sort of explanation for turning her invitation down.
‘About tonight. It would have been lovely, but—’
She raised her hands, stopping me. ‘You don’t need to explain anything. I could tell from your expression that it wasn’t right for you. New Year can be a strange and emotional time when the person you used to spend it with is no longer around.’
‘It’s more than that. It’s when Cliff died.’
‘Oh, Yvonne! I didn’t realise.’
‘You weren’t to know. I’ve spent a lot of time over the years longing for company, but New Year is the one time when I need to be by myself.’
‘Will you be all right?’
‘I’ll be fine. I’ve got my TV viewing planned and some nice food. I would like to take a raincheck on a Chinese, though.’
‘Good. At the first meeting back, we’ll put a date in the diary.’
She gave me another hug and we wished each other all the best for the forthcoming year before waving goodbye.
Driving back to Pippinthwaite, I wondered whether I should have stepped outside my comfort zone and accepted Paulette’s invitation to stay – for the Chinese rather than overnight – but it was too late now.
Should I go back? My gut said no. I wasn’t quite ready yet but I felt close.
This would be the last New Year’s Eve I spent on my own, mourning not just the loss of Cliff but also the life I could have had if I’d been brave enough to go for it. A life with another man. Will.