Chapter 23 #2
My stomach lurched. He wasn’t going to propose, was he? I adored Cliff but my feelings didn’t extend beyond friendship. He was like a big brother to me and I’d always been certain he never felt anything more than friendship in return. I had to put a stop to this.
‘Please say you’re not going to ask me to marry you.’
His silence answered that.
‘Cliff! We’re friends. I don’t feel that way about you.’
‘And I don’t feel that way about you either.’
‘Then why?’
He looked furtively around. ‘There’s too many people here. Can we talk about this in the car?’
We reached his car but he wanted to be somewhere we wouldn’t be disturbed so we drove towards Whinlatter Forest, parked up a deserted track and twisted in our seats to face each other and I waited for Cliff to speak, bewildered by what was happening.
‘There’s something I’ve never told you because, even though I think you’ll be all right with it, there’s this fear of losing you if you’re not.
At work, there’ve been rumours that I’m a homosexual.
Working in an alpha male environment is not a good place for a gay man to be, especially when there’s so much fear and ignorance at the moment about AIDS. ’
Gay? The thought had never entered my head, but why would it?
‘Are you gay?’ I asked. ‘Because it wouldn’t make a bit of difference to me if you were.’
He squeezed my hand. ‘Thank you for that but, no, I’m not gay.’
‘Then why do people think you are?’
‘Because I don’t have a girlfriend, I don’t wolf whistle when women walk past the site, I don’t leer at the page three models in the paper.’
‘Have you ever had a girlfriend?’ I asked, realising I’d never heard him talk about girls and that I’d never seen one visiting his cottage.
‘No, and it’s not because I haven’t found the right person yet.’ He ran his hands through his hair, nerves evidently getting the better of him once more. ‘This is so hard.’
‘Take your time,’ I said softly. ‘You can say anything to me.’
He took a deep breath and nodded. ‘Okay. Here it is. I’ve never had a girlfriend – or a boyfriend for that matter – because I’m asexual.’
I shrugged, unfamiliar with the term.
‘It means I’m not sexually attracted to anyone. I’ve never had sex, I don’t want to have sex. I don’t even want to kiss anyone. I can look at a woman and appreciate that she’s pretty but it never develops into anything more than that.’
I had no idea such a thing existed. I wasn’t aware of having met anyone who was homosexual or bisexual but I was familiar with those terms. This was new and I had so many questions, but Cliff was talking again.
‘You looked shocked earlier when you thought I was going to propose, but that was because you thought I might have feelings for you that aren’t reciprocated, right?’
I nodded. ‘I didn’t want things to get awkward between us. Like I said, I see you as a friend – love you as a friend – but not romantically.’
‘Good. In that case, I think we can help each other. You’re my best friend, I think you’re an exceptional human being and there’s nobody I’d rather spend time with so why don’t we get married?
It’d be in name only but it’d give you the escape you need and take the heat off me.
I promise to be the best husband possible.
I’ll treat you well, I’ll support you with your career if you want to go to college to retrain, I’ll make our lives together really comfortable.
The only thing I can’t offer is a sexual relationship. ’
Cliff’s revelation about his sexual orientation was surprising and the last thing I’d expected from him this evening was a marriage proposal, so my head was spinning.
I was desperate to leave home but was a marriage of convenience really the answer?
I’d meant it when I told Cliff last Sunday that I wasn’t convinced I wanted to get married but that didn’t mean I wanted to live my whole life without love, without ever kissing a man, without sex.
‘I don’t know what to say,’ I managed eventually.
‘Shocked?’ he asked.
‘Not the bit about you. Well, maybe surprised at that, but getting married? It’s huge. I’m going to need time to think about it.’
‘Take as much time as you need. I didn’t expect an answer immediately. It’s a big thing for me but I know it’s way more significant for you. I’ve accepted who I am and what that means so I’m not giving anything up, but you’d be closing yourself off to true love and the opportunity to be a mum.’
My stomach lurched. I hadn’t even thought about that one. Did I even want children? I wasn’t sure.
Cliff clapped his hands to his cheeks. ‘Oh, God! Babies! I hadn’t even thought about that until I said it aloud just now.
What was I thinking? Marrying me would get you out of Hayscroft Lane and away from your dad and sister but you’d be giving up so much and I can’t ask you to do that.
’ He gripped the steering wheel, shaking his head.
‘Can we forget I said anything? I can live with the rumours and jibes. I’m sorry. ’
I placed my hand over his. ‘I don’t want to forget about it and I don’t want you to regret saying anything.
You say you wouldn’t be giving anything up but you would be.
Yes, the rumours might stop, but your life would change in ways I bet you’ve never considered.
Why don’t we both take a few days to think about it and we’ll talk again? ’
As Cliff drove me back home, I knew I’d think of nothing else but this.