Chapter 27
TWENTY YEARS AGO – JANUARY
The rest of my thirties passed and, most of the time, I was really happy with Cliff and our life together but, with increasing frequency, that longing for more stirred and, along with it, the awareness of my biological clock ticking.
Everywhere I went, I found myself drawn to children, noticing things I’d never thought about before – how cute sleeping babies looked, how adorable the unsteady steps of toddlers were, the joy on a young child’s face when being pushed on a swing.
I thought about the close relationship I’d had with my mum and imagined having the same with my own son or daughter.
Cliff knew something was wrong and kept trying to get me to talk to him, but I insisted everything was fine and I was just a bit tired.
He offered to take on another assistant, to get a cleaner, to do even more of the cooking and I started to resent him for always trying to fix everything.
What was going on in my head could not be fixed.
We started arguing or, rather, I started arguments over stupid little things.
I hated myself for doing it, knowing how unfair I was being.
I’d chosen this life, gone into our marriage with my eyes open, and he’d kept every single promise he’d made to me.
I knew that he’d stand by his final promise to release me if I met someone I wanted to be with instead, but that was the problem.
I hadn’t met someone. I’d barely given Brett a second thought since that day in the pub and there hadn’t been anyone specific since bumping into him, but there had been the possibility of someone.
A possibility of passion. Of love. Of a family.
As my fortieth birthday approached, my mood darkened.
I felt as though I’d reached a major crossroads in my life, looking up at a sign with Friendship pointing one way and Family pointing in the opposite direction.
If I chose the Family route, there were no guarantees.
I might not meet anyone and, if I did, what were the chances of them wanting children too?
And quickly! What if I’d left it too late and couldn’t conceive?
Or what if all that was fine but our relationship wasn’t as strong as the one I had with Cliff?
Sticking to the Friendship path was safe, comfortable and something I already had.
That old proverb kept popping into my mind: A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush.
The thought of losing everything special I had with Cliff to pursue something that could be worse terrified me.
My fortieth birthday fell on a Wednesday.
Cliff took the day off work and knocked on my door first thing to deliver breakfast in bed.
He showered me with gifts and took me to a heritage railway line for afternoon tea on board a beautiful steam train.
I looked around the carriage at couples holding hands, celebrating birthdays, anniversaries or simply having a day out, and felt resentment that I was doing something incredibly romantic… with my platonic husband.
I’d probably have managed to smile my way through the day if Cliff hadn’t presented me with one more gift.
I opened the small package to reveal a guidebook to Venice and, with a churning stomach, unfolded an itinerary with details of flights, a hotel and a gondola trip.
Spring in Venice, just as I’d always dreamed.
But with the wrong person. This was my dream romantic destination and I’d deliberately never mentioned that to Cliff because of our situation.
‘I know you’ve never suggested Venice for a holiday but you always seem to be drawn to it when you’re flicking through holiday brochures.’ Cliff’s voice was full of excitement and I didn’t want to burst his bubble. I loved that he’d noticed. I loved that he wanted to surprise me. But…
‘I need you to cancel it,’ I murmured, pushing the book and itinerary back across the table. ‘I’m sorry.’
‘Why?’
‘Please just do it.’
‘There has to be a reason.’
I glanced around the carriage. This wasn’t the time or place. ‘Can we talk about it later?’
We spent the rest of the journey staring out the window and drove home from the station in silence, the atmosphere between us unbearably tense.
‘I don’t understand what’s going on with you at the moment,’ Cliff said as we hung up our coats at home.
He followed me into the lounge. ‘Talk to me, Yvonne! You keep saying nothing’s wrong but it has to be.’
He looked at me beseechingly but I couldn’t seem to form any words because I didn’t know what I wanted to say.
Did I want out? I wasn’t sure I did but I equally knew we couldn’t continue like this.
I didn’t want to take out my frustrations on him because he didn’t deserve it at all, but I was all fired up and I had a feeling I wasn’t going to be able to stop myself.
‘I thought Venice would be perfect,’ he said, the frustration clear in his tone. ‘It’s the sort of place you love – beautiful, historical. One of the most romantic cities in the world.’
That was it! ‘Romantic?’ I practically spat the word out. ‘You really think I’d want to go to one of the most romantic cities in the world with you and our… our… completely unromantic situation?’
His face paled and his body seemed to deflate. ‘You’ve met someone else.’
‘I haven’t.’ But I could feel my cheeks burning.
‘You have. It’s okay.’ His voice was so gentle, so full of understanding and my heart broke for him. ‘I knew it would probably happen one day.’ He sank down onto the sofa. ‘What’s his name?’
I shook my head, tears burning my eyes, guilt consuming me. ‘There isn’t anyone. I promise you.’
‘Then what is it?’
The tears broke free. ‘The possibility of someone. I love you. You know I do, but…’
‘You’re not sure if it’s enough anymore,’ he said when I tailed off.
Next moment, he had his arms around me, comforting me. Where did he find the strength? I’d hurt him but he was the one making me feel better.
Over the next couple of hours, it all tumbled out – everything I’d been thinking and feeling since that unexpected encounter with Brett in the pub and how confused I was about the future. Cliff truly was the best of the best, asking questions, properly listening, empathising.
The following day, when he got home from work, Cliff sat me down at the dining table and presented me with a new proposal.
‘I’ve cancelled Venice. I should have thought about what it symbolised and I’m sorry for being insensitive.’
‘Oh, Cliff, you’re not that. It’s me being overly sensitive, but thank you for cancelling.’
‘You’re welcome. So, we’re not going to Venice, but I do think we need a break. From each other.’
My stomach lurched and I opened my mouth to object, but he shook his head.
‘I’m not saying we should split up. I’m saying you need some time to think and to decide what you want to do next.
We already know that’s impossible while you’re here – seeing me every day and working together – so my proposal is that you take the money we would have spent on Venice and go away somewhere by yourself.
It’s completely up to you where you go and for how long, but I think it’s important for both of us that you take that time.
Do what you want with it. Hide yourself away and craft or read, do some yoga, go out clubbing, kiss a stranger… ’
‘Cliff! You can’t—’
‘I do mean it. Kiss ten strangers, have sex…’
‘Cliff!’ I cried, louder this time. What had got into him?
He took my hand across the table. ‘You need to do whatever it takes to make a decision about whether or not you want to stay married to me because, being completely honest, I’ve found the last few years really tough.
I remain fully committed to this marriage.
You always have and always will mean everything to me, but I said all along that you were the one making the big sacrifices, not me.
If you decide to call time, I’ll make it happen quickly, just as I promised.
But if you want to stay, you have to be fully in because I can’t do this again.
I can’t live with the dark moods and the arguments, you not talking to me, pushing me away. It’s too painful.’
I nodded, my heart breaking at how much I’d unwittingly hurt him already, without even acting on any of my feelings. I had a question that I was afraid to ask, but knew I had to.
‘If I did walk away – and it’s a huge if – would we stay friends?’
Cliff squeezed my hand then released it with a sigh. ‘I don’t know. In a perfect world, of course we would, but in a practical world… who knows?’
‘But you’re my best friend. I love you!’
‘And I love you too, but how would a new partner feel about our friendship? Even if you and I made it through unscathed, would they be supportive of us? I can’t imagine many men would be.’
I doubted they would be either, but the idea of losing Cliff from my life terrified me.
‘Do you accept my proposal?’ he asked.
I didn’t need to think about this one. He’d been so good to me and it wasn’t fair to keep going like this. There was only one answer I could give.
‘I do.’