2 August 2023
Avani
First fight.
The thing about getting overly attached—emphasis on ‘overly’—to someone is exactly that.
You don’t realize how deeply you feel about them until something comes along to shake you into reality. Or in this case, someone.
Now, I’ve known me for, what, twenty-three years? Yeah. And I’ve known Aman for … four months, approximately. So I wish someone would help me understand why I did what I did and how I did it.
‘How come we don’t hang out with your friends much?’ I asked. ‘I haven’t really seen them after that night at your house.’
Aman and I were chilling on my living room couch on a Wednesday evening after my classes and all his long business calls were done for the day. He was reading some smart leatherbound book while I was filing my toenails.
‘My friends?’ he asked absent-mindedly.
‘Yeah. We never see them. Don’t you like meeting them?’
‘I do.’
‘Then why don’t you?’
‘No reason.’ He shrugged.
‘Is it because of me?’ I asked sharply.
‘What do you mean?’ He put his book down.
‘I mean, do you not meet them because of me?’
‘I’ve been spending all my time with you lately. I haven’t got around to making plans with them. It doesn’t really matter—they can make plans if they want to meet.’
‘Oh, so you’re saying it is because of me then?’ I snapped.
He sat up, a confused look on his face.
‘What’s on your mind?’
‘Nothing.’
‘You’ve met most of my friends. Do you want to meet them again?’
‘No,’ I replied, biting the inside of my cheek, wondering why I’d even started this conversation.
‘Okay,’ he said simply and turned back to his book.
We sat there in silence, which was perfectly okay. So I don’t know what came over me that I opened my mouth and said a little belligerently, I have to admit, ‘You’ve met all my friends, you know.
And you’ve met Aaji. You’ve seen where I work. You’ve come to my university. You’ve even seen embarrassing pictures of me as a child.’ I raised my eyebrows. ‘And I guess all I get in return is watching you read a book in my living room.’
‘You want more?’ He bit his lips to hide a smile.
‘No,’ I replied curtly. ‘It’s okay. Go back to your book.’
‘Okay.’
‘Okay.’
Silence again.
‘Are you ashamed of me?’ I said before I could really think through what it was that I wanted from him.
‘What?’
‘Are. You. Ashamed. Of. Me.’ I repeated in my most annoying tone.
‘Why the hell would I be ashamed of you?’
‘I don’t know, you tell me.’
‘What’s going on, Avani?’ Aman asked gently, scooting closer to me. ‘Did I do something?’
‘Nothing,’ I replied and went back to filing my nails. In my head I decided that I was done with whatever this tantrum was and that I needed to have a little internal dialogue before I said things out loud.
Aman, however, wasn’t on board with this plan because of course it had all happened inside my thick head. I’d riled him up. So I deserved what came next.
‘I really can’t tell with you sometimes,’ he said. ‘Can’t you just say what you’re thinking and make it easier for both of us?’
‘What I’m thinking is, maybe you don’t want me to meet all your friends because …’
Don’t say it, don’t say it.
‘ … I work at a bookstore and all those other girls you know are like Victoria’s Secret models or some shit.’
There, done now?
Aman looked at me, incredulous. Honestly, the fuck was wrong with me? I never got this insecure. I loved myself too much to compare myself to anyone else.
However, I’d been scrolling through Aman’s socials, and there was a particular handle that kept commenting on every picture he posted, someone I hadn’t met at Aman’s party all those months ago.
I’d told myself it was probably an ex-girlfriend or just a friend, but something about the comments nagged at me.
Anyway, coming back to the stupid situation I’d put myself in, Aman’s response was sharp when he said, ‘I don’t understand what that means. What is going on, Avani?’
‘I want to meet your friends more often—all of them—but I don’t want to tell you that I want to meet all your friends more often. I want you to know that maybe it’s time I met all your friends, all of them, again,’ I blurted out.
His eyebrows were now raised to his hairline. I looked down at my nails, hoping he wouldn’t read too much into this—or just fling his book at me. I would have if I were him. I was being a brat for no reason.
When I looked up, I saw he’d crossed his arms across his chest and a smile had appeared on his face.
Was he amused?
He shook his head, chuckled and pulled me towards him, tucking his face into the crook of my neck. I tried to fight it, but he looped his hands around my waist and hugged me tightly.
‘You’re cute when you’re needy, you know that?’ he said.
My jaw dropped. ‘I’M NOT NEEDY!’ I said as I slapped his arm. I felt half annoyed that he’d called me out on my moody nonsense, and half relieved.
‘How about dinner on Saturday? My place? My brother is in town and a couple of friends will be coming over. These are the ONLY friends that matter. Okay?’ he whispered into my neck.
‘Oh, we’re going straight to “brother”?’
‘Why not? And then maybe you and I can have a little after-party of our own once everyone leaves.’ He placed a gentle kiss on my shoulder.
‘You’re going to make me clean the dishes, aren’t you?’ I said.
‘You know I love it when you get dirty.’ He winked.
5 August 2023
Avani
Woke up to deal with needy Avani.
It was Saturday. I looked at my reflection in the mirror before I met Aman downstairs. The needy girl who had thrown a tantrum for this party to happen was not there any more.
This morning I’d woken up as the introvert who blamed her briefly extroverted alter ego for making a plan that involved skinny jeans and concealer and stepping out of home. I took a deep breath and locked the door behind me.
Downstairs, by the car, Aman pulled me into a hug and placed a soft kiss on my cheek. ‘You look beautiful,’ he said.
‘I promise I didn’t spend the past hour trying out a bunch of clothes so I could get this reaction from you,’ I said with a serious expression.
That brought on another hug. ‘Let’s go!’ he said.
It was a much more intimate affair than I’d imagined. We entered Aman’s apartment to see a bunch of servers placing expensive-looking silverware next to expensive-looking plates on expensive-looking place mats on a very expensive-looking dining table. A proper sit-down affair with catered food and service, not what I was expecting.
‘Wow,’ I started.
‘Yeah, I didn’t want a hectic scene, so I kept it simple.’
Sure. This was all pretty simple. Nothing over the top or unusual at all.
I walked around the table, taking in the finery, and then peeped into the kitchen, which was buzzing with chefs. The anticipation of a boring evening lulled as I poured myself a glass of wine and went to get comfy at my regular spot on Aman’s living room couch.
Aman was busy talking to the head chef when the doorbell rang. Before anyone could respond, he practically jumped out of the kitchen and sprinted to answer the door. I heard faint chatter from the hallway for a few seconds before he walked over to me with what I can only describe as an older, more intense version of Aman.
‘Avani, meet Gagan, my elder brother.’
I put the wine glass down and went over expecting to hug Aman’s brother, when he stiffly stuck out his hand.
‘Pleasure,’ he said curtly.
A little thrown, I retracted my outstretched arms and shook his hand. Firm handshake. A little firmer and it would have cut off blood supply to my arm.
‘I’ll get you a drink, just give me a second,’ Aman said, and went off to the kitchen, completely oblivious to my eyes pleading him to not leave me alone with this new person.
‘So, are you in town for business or pleasure?’ It was the first question that sprung to my mind in the absence of my ability to make small talk.
‘Business,’ he said, not really making a move towards the couch or any other seating area.
‘Nice, nice.’
I rocked back and forth, mentally screaming out to Aman to come back.
‘Aman tells me you’re based in London?’
‘That’s correct.’ He stood there stiffly, his arms crossed before him.
It didn’t look like this invitee would be the life of the party, did it, I thought, and felt immediately guilty.
As someone who was socially awkward, I had no business judging someone else for not being personable with a person he’d just met.
It was unlike me to want to make more conversation. In any other situation I would’ve been relieved that Gagan was okay with his monosyllabic responses, but this was Aman’s brother, and something about Aman’s excitement at seeing him made me want to try a bit harder.
‘So do you come to Mumbai oft—’
‘I have to go. Excuse me.’ He walked off towards the kitchen. In the middle of my question, no fucks given.
I stood there, sweat gathering on my forehead, ready to curl into a ball and become one with the couch cushions, when I heard the brothers emerge from the kitchen, chatting, and move towards the main door.
‘Oh, Avani,’ Aman called out to me, looking over his shoulder. ‘Gagan can’t stay for dinner.’
‘Oh,’ I managed to reply before walking towards them.
‘Nice meeting you … Avani,’ Gagan said, before hugging his brother and stepping out of the door.
‘I thought the dinner was for him.’ I looked at Aman as he shut the door and returned to the living room.
‘Yeah, well, that’s Gagan for you. You can never really make plans with him. His schedule is too erratic.’
‘That must suck. I can tell you miss him.’
‘We’ve grown used to it,’ he said. ‘Should we head to the dining room and get comfortable there? Jogi’s almost here, and Nikhil and Khushi texted to say they’ll reach in fifteen.’
‘Yes, let’s.’
The evening went fine after that, but I couldn’t get the weird encounter with Gagan out of my mind. In all his reluctance to engage, I’d felt he was watching me closely, almost scrutinizing me.
I wondered what Aman had told him about me, if anything at all. I looked at Aman and saw him guffawing at something Jogi had said, and figured I should stop overthinking it. That was just how his brother was, maybe, a man of few words and fewer facial expressions.
Later that night I lay in bed, wondering how strange the past week had been with my moods and emotions running untamed, and then woke up the next morning to the answer. My period was here.
11 September 2023
Avani
Taking a chance on the universe.
Does anyone else suck at multitasking as an adult too? And I don’t mean the pay-bills-while-getting-three-meals-a-day-and-not-die-of-dehydration kind of multitasking. That’s basic survival shit.
I’ve lived by myself long enough to have cracked that. I’m talking about the kind of compartmentalization of priorities that needs to come with being an adult.
I visualized it as many lateral charts of to-dos placed parallelly in your mind, with all of them needing to be accomplished together.
Like wanting to have a steady source of income while studying, while also making time for skincare before bed and clocking in eight hours of sleep. What do you prioritize?
Like spending money on avocados but also fighting with the dry-cleaner guy for bumping up the prices. What do you prioritize?
Or, in my case, like wanting to be a successful lawyer but also not wanting to stop thinking about a certain billionaire CEO who was the embodiment of every romance-novel hero ever.
How. To. Prioritize.
My life had been so much simpler six months ago, when I would wake up thinking of no one in particular, get through my morning routine, then get to work and listen to Martin tell me about his latest fuck.
Study for a few hours, come home, cook dinner and then eat it while watching reruns of The Office . Even for someone who is all about enjoying her own company, the last few lines are sad.
Maybe it was, until Aman walked into the bookstore all polished and perfect. But at least those six months ago I wasn’t sitting at my study table at 8 a.m.
on a Monday morning, staring at an unfamiliar word that flashed across my semester results displayed on my computer screen: ‘REAPPEAR’.
Yes, that—next to three of my five courses.
Practitioner’s Approach to Competition Law: 53%
Commercial Contract Drafting: 81%
Advanced Company Law: REAPPEAR
Banking and Financial Law: REAPPEAR
Corporate Insolvency Law: REAPPEAR
Shit.
I stared at my report sheet. This was worse than the time I’d fallen off my friend’s moving motorbike because I wanted to lie back and enjoy the rains in Pune. That was plain stupidity. But this? What was this?
I stared with my eyes wide, waiting for some kind of pep talk to come through. From somewhere. None came. I had never slacked at school. And that, too, because of a boy? Never ever. If Aaji saw this, she would probably come hug me for taking a break from being a nerd for once. ‘Thank god something pleased you more than company law. It’s okay, I’m sure you will do better next time,’ she would’ve said and patted me proudly on my back while the world collapsed around me.
But no, this was not my life. I needed to get my shit together. I picked up the phone and called Maya. I needed to get an earful from someone.
No answer. Ugh.
I called Martin next.
‘It’s 8 a.m., bitch. Who died?’ he answered in a groggy voice.
‘My career.’
‘I don’t have any coffee in me for your quarter-life crisis. Do I need to make a mug first?’
‘Martin, I failed three out of my five courses. And I’m freaking out. This has never happened before and I don’t know what to do.’
‘You failed three classes?!’ he yelled.
‘Yeah,’ I whimpered.
‘Well, can you attempt them again?’
‘Of course I can. But that’s not the problem.’
‘What’s the problem, then?’
‘The fact that I failed them! I don’t fail! I’ve spent the last few months being focused on everything but my career, and the results clearly show that if I keep going like this, I may not even have a career.’
Martin laughed. ‘Calm down. It’s okay.’
‘What? It’s not okay. I can’t keep doing this with Aman.’
‘How is this Aman’s fault?’
‘It’s not his fault. It’s mine. I need to take a step back and focus on my career. He’s well settled anyway. I don’t want to be the loser who got too caught up in her feelings.’
‘Ani, breathe. So you flunked a couple of classes. It’s okay. Everybody does. That doesn’t mean you’ve failed as a lawyer.’
‘Are you dumb?’ I snapped. ‘That is exactly what it means, Martin. Oh my god.’
Feelings of instant regret and panic were starting to settle inside my chest and my hands were going numb from holding my phone to my ear with white-knuckled force.
‘Calm down. Seriously. You have another chance to clear these courses, right?’ he asked calmly.
‘Yes.’
‘All right, so let’s focus on that. And, Avani?’
‘Yes?’
‘Aman might just be the best thing that’s happened to you in a long time.’ He paused. ‘You know I’m right. He’s good for you. Don’t mess this up because you don’t see it yet.’
I relaxed as I felt my nerves calm a bit. Why did Martin have to wake up and make sense? I wouldn’t have minded freaking out about the situation a bit more before logic took over. I told him I’d call him back when I saw Maya’s call waiting on the other line.
‘Morning, cutie,’ she said cheerily. ‘Sorry, was in the gym when you called.’
Of course, she was running to perfect her already fit body and glowing skin, while my life was falling apart.
‘I failed three courses this semester,’ I said in a low voice.
‘Okay. What are you doing now?’ she asked.
‘You mean other than freaking out about my future? Nothing.’
‘Brush your teeth and get dressed. I’m picking you up for breakfast in twenty.’ She hung up.
I had a couple of hours before I had to be at the bookstore and I needed to hear what Maya had to say. I needed to be in sane human company so I wouldn’t spiral to dangerous places in my mind. So I did as I was told. Half an hour later, we were sitting across the table from each other at our favourite breakfast joint not very far from home, sipping our coffee and waiting for our toast and omelette to arrive.
‘What are you doing in this part of the city so early in the morning?’ I asked.
‘I had to make a delivery to this snooty client who’s becoming a bigger pain in my ass with every passing minute.’ She rolled her eyes.
I chuckled and looked into my coffee mug.
‘But you tell me,’ she said. ‘What’s on your mind?’
‘I’ve never been distracted, Maya. I don’t know how to deal with failing courses.’
‘Like the rest of us, Ani. You study harder and get through them the second time. But you knew that already. Now tell me what’s really on your mind.’
She tilted her head as she waited for me to answer.
‘I don’t know what I’m doing with Aman,’ I said as I let out a long breath. ‘It started out as an innocent, flirty friendship and now we’re in uncharted territory, where strange feelings and thoughts are taking over.’
She sipped her coffee and nodded at me to continue.
‘I love spending time with him and I miss him when he isn’t around. But the more time I spend thinking about him, the more I feel like I’m getting blindsided by something that should be in plain sight. Like I’m walking on a tightrope without knowing how far I’ll fall if I don’t make it to the end, you know?’
‘Are you, maybe, feeling like that because you’re stuck in the middle?’ she asked, articulating each word slowly.
‘What do you mean?’
‘Maybe you know you like Aman but are too worried to label those feelings. So it’s stuck between being a friendship and something more. And maybe that uncertainty is what’s playing on your mind.
You’re one of the smartest, most intelligent people I know, Ani. You’ve always lived by your own rules. I’ve watched you deal with whatever life has thrown at you and never felt you needed a reality check. You’re careful and conscious every day.
Maybe, somehow, Aman has challenged that part of your being. And I’m not saying that’s a bad thing, but you can’t fool yourself any longer than you already have. For the first time I feel like you’re not being honest with yourself. And that’s concerning.’
As I listened to her, the reality of her words slowly dawned on me.
‘I don’t know what it is, Maya, but with him, I’m constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop. When I’m with him, life is perfect.
But the minute he drops me home, I silently wait for a message or a call or a news article that will tell me that he isn’t as great as he seems. And I know how stupid that sounds when I say it out loud like that. But it’s tough to not be able to trust someone even when they’ve given you more than enough reasons to trust them. My life is the opposite of what I read in my books. Ugh.’
Maya smiled as she held my hand in hers.
‘I guess you’ll never know if you don’t take a chance, Ani.’ She paused. ‘And that’s a choice too. You could choose not to take a chance and walk away from Aman because you believe he isn’t right for you.
But it’s a choice you’ll have to make. Things aren’t going to sort themselves out on their own. You can’t be on the fence about it any more. For your mental peace and clarity, make that choice.’
I bit my lower lip as I contemplated her words. She was right. It had been six months since I’d met Aman and he’d given me no reason to be so broody about us.
He’d been nothing but supportive, respectful and charming, and maybe it was time I got over my insecurities and took a chance.
Chances were that I would have to live with a gaping hole in my heart if my fears were to come true, but there was also a chance that the universe would come through and give me what I deserved.
Maya dropped me home a while later and I went straight into the shower to let the new thoughts settle. I got ready soon after and left for the bookstore.
I put my bag down on the billing counter and stared into nothingness for a minute before I fished out my phone and dialled Aman’s number.
If there was anything I was sure about when it came to him, it was that he was definitely worth the risk.
‘Hi, gorgeous,’ Aman said as soon as he answered my call.
I don’t care how cheesy I sound when I say no words hotter have ever been spoken by any man who walked the face of this planet. Ever.
It was 10.30 a.m., so I guessed he was on his way to office. His tone was relaxed, not like he’d been in the middle of prepping for a work call. Bottom line, I couldn’t have timed it better.
‘Hi,’ I said. What was it about this man’s voice that turned my insides to gravy? How had it taken him two words to make me forget what an introspective morning I’d just had? Two hours ago I’d been contemplating moving to a new country and selling momos for a living, and now here I was, sitting at my day job, smiling into my phone and talking to a guy who I might or might not be falling for.
‘Did my girl sleep okay?’
‘Kind of, until she woke up to utter doom and panic.’
‘Your period’s back so soon?’
‘Worse.’
‘Your semester results? I completely forgot. What happened? They couldn’t have been …’
‘I failed in three out of five,’ I replied, feeling sad just hearing myself say it again.
‘Can you reappear?’ he asked, not missing a beat.
‘Yeah.’
‘Baby, it’s going to be fine. I can help you with classes in any way you want. I can get Sheryl to look for a tutor. A close friend of my father’s is a judge at the Supreme Court.
I can quickly call him to check if he can find someone who can tutor you for this semester. I’m sure we can get through this. I know it might not look like it, but it’s going to be fine, I promise.’
I bent my head down and smiled to myself. ‘We can get through this,’ he’d said, and what was better was that I knew he meant it. I could stall what I had to say till dinner.
Maybe I could ask him to pick me up after work, and then cook for him while I told him what was on my mind. Or I could spare both of us the nerves and come clean with it now.
‘Avani, you there?’
‘I’m here.’
‘You want me to pick you up after work tonight? Let’s get some dumplings for dinner.’
See what I mean? It’s like this guy was made by God when She was two glasses of wine down. Because that’s when you make the best decisions.
You have just the right amount of liquid courage to push your limits and you’re sober enough to tell right from wrong. I say, a woman with two glasses of wine can win the world like it’s just another Monday.
Without further thought I said, ‘Aman?’
‘Yes?’
‘Remember the time you asked me to be your girlfriend and I freaked out and ruined everything?’
‘Vaguely.’
‘Does that offer still stand?’
There was silence on the line. I bit my lip nervously. Why wasn’t he saying something? Was it too late? Did I take too much time reaching this decision? Should I have just shut up and eaten the dumplings later tonight?
‘Aman …?’ I said, tentatively.
I heard him draw a breath to say something on the other end of the line and started preparing casual answers to his response.
Option 1: No? Okay, good. Thank god we’re on the same page about this.
Option 2: You met someone else? I’m so happy for you.
Option 3: Sorry, what? I think there was a cross connection just now.
The last was by far the safest.
‘Hello?’ I said again, and heard the phone line go dead.
He’d hung up.
I stared into the space around me like I’d just seen a ghost. He’d chosen to hang up on me rather than answer me. I quickly pinched myself to make sure this wasn’t some fucked-up nightmare.
How did I mess up my career and the possibility of a future daddy to my twelve puppies all in one morning? I hopped off my stool and walked towards the café, where Martin was busy talking to some guy who had come in. There must’ve been something about my expression, because I saw him stiffen.
‘OMG. What did you do?’ he asked in panic. ‘Sit, sit.’
He indicated the stool next to the guy he was talking to. ‘Okay, boo. Take five. I have a crisis at hand,’ he told the guy and walked around to me.
‘Speak!’ he barked.
‘Don’t yell at me!’ I barked back.
‘Sorry, your face is really freaky right now. Just tell me what you did.’ He put one hand on his chest and the other on my shoulder.
‘I asked Aman to be my boyfriend and he hung up on me,’ I said.
Martin looked at me like I’d told him Michael Jackson was still alive. What was it about these words from my mouth that just stunned men into silence?
‘Say something!’ I yelled.
‘Did you try calling him back?’ he blurted. ‘Maybe he was in a bad network area.’
‘Nope.’
‘Uhhhhh …’ I felt bad for him because I knew I’d put him in a spot too, and to think I had been mad at him for making too much sense when I’d called this morning.
‘Ugh, this is the worst day ever! Why did I have to open my fat mouth and say stupid things? I could’ve just shut up and mulled over my feelings for a day or two and then made an informed decision. Why, why, whyyyy did I have to be impulsive and embarrass myself like this? When am I going to learn, Martin?’
But Martin said nothing.
He just looked at me, his lips pursed.
For a second I thought he was going to have a laughing fit.
I fisted my hands on my sides because if he was going to laugh at me, he was going to have to do it with no teeth.
I straightened up, rolled my shoulders back, tilted my chin up and took two long breaths before I decided that I was not going to stand there waiting for Martin to say something.
I was going to go back to my workstation and call Aman back and get this straightened out.
I’m a lot of things, but a coward isn’t one of them.
I gave Martin five more seconds before I turned to leave … and walked bang into a strong, broad chest which had been just inches away from me.
Before I could look up or process what had happened, I felt two strong hands around the back of my neck and my face being tilted up.
It must’ve been all the overflowing emotions, but my vision was so blurry I couldn’t comprehend anything.
It happened so fast that my raging heart went absolutely quiet the moment I felt Aman’s lips on mine.
I took a long breath to inhale the familiar scent of aftershave and my shoulders slumped in submission.
His hands moved from my neck to my waist as he picked me up and gently put me down on top of the coffee bar.
He moved in closer as he deepened the kiss and ran his hands up and down my back.
When I finally gained control over my limbs, I cupped his face with my hands and pulled back from the kiss with wild confusion and anticipation in my eyes.
‘Yes.’ He kissed my cheek and buried his face in the crook of my neck as I felt him smile against my skin.
He was here. He came. He did not run away and block my number. I heard myself let out a short laugh as relief washed over me. Having him in my arms had calmed down every little annoying voice in my head.
I buried my hands in his thick brown hair and hugged him. Even if I died right then, I wouldn’t mind. Not even a little bit.
‘You could’ve just said that on the phone and saved me a whole-ass panic attack, you know?’ I murmured against his suit jacket.
‘I know. But what’s the fun in that?’ he replied.
Idiot. My idiot.
How had I woken up so badass today? How had I dealt with a massacre of a report card and cemented a relationship all in a few hours on a Monday morning? And to think I’d done that with no wine in my system. Well done, Avani.