Chapter 22 – Sticky Jizz Fingers
Tuesday – October 3, 2023
20 Minutes Earlier
Tanner
I pulled my gaze away from the Seine and checked my watch again. It had been hours since the game ended. And I still hadn’t heard from Ash. I’d been doing my best to keep busy, but I was out of ideas of how to preoccupy my mind as I waited for her stupid date to end.
What was taking so long?
She wasn’t supposed to actually be falling in love with Otto von Wurst. She was supposed to be fucking him. Just a one and done scenario. So...what was she doing?
I pressed my lips together. What if something had happened to her?
I tried to focus back on the Seine. There were certain perks about being a genie. One was that I really didn’t need to worry about much. It wasn’t like I could die. But whenever I did let someone into my life, worries started to creep in. It was hard being close to a mortal. They were so fragile. Their lives so fleeting. And the more people I let in, the more I stood to lose.
I’d gotten close to so many people in New York City. I thought about when Matt’s wife Brooklyn was pregnant. I’d been a little frantic. Early on in my life I’d seen so many women die in childbirth. A fear that no one in this day and age understood. I was pretty sure I’d driven Matt a little crazy with worry.
But everything had worked out okay. They had a healthy little goblin. A perfect family.
Family.
The word twisted around in my head. It had been a really long time since I’d let myself dream of having a family of my own. And that’s probably why my heart was racing.
I wanted a wife.
I wanted kids.
I’d thought it was hundreds of years out of reach.
But what if it was just minutes?
I took a deep breath. Ash was going to be fine, just like Brooklyn had been fine. It was just taking Ash a while to close the deal. Fuck I hate this.
I took another deep breath. And as soon as Ash was done, I had the perfect date planned for her. I knew I had to share her until she found some lesser version of true love with someone else. I was okay with that. In theory. But obviously it was bothering me a bit. I believed Ash and I had true love. But my lamp would never solidify my theory. I had no proof. What if she had a better match out there? What if her name was about to appear on my lamp because of Wurst?
Fuck that.
I stood up and started pacing along the Seine. I wasn’t going to lose her. I wasn’t even going to risk it being a possibility. Which was why I’d planned this elaborate date for after she fucked the sausage king. To make sure I wooed her back to me .
But time just kept ticking by. Had she fucked the sausage king and forgotten to videochat me? Or was something else going on? And why the hell was I suddenly using her name for him? He was Otto von Wurst. And he was the freaking worst.
I chuckled to myself. The sound felt strange in my throat. I’d been trying to resist, because I’d only just checked a few minutes ago, but I pulled out my lamp for what felt like the hundredth time. Cooper hadn’t appeared yet. But I still felt this panic lacing around my chest.
It almost would have been better if Chastity hadn’t agreed to give my lamp back for the night. Then I wouldn’t be able to constantly check it.
I looked down at my watch again.
Shit, what if something really had happened to her? What if she needed me?
I snapped my fingers to make her appear in front of me, but Ghazi appeared in front of me instead.
“Nuh uh,” said Ghazi and folded his arms across his chest. “Isn’t your girlfriend on a date? You mustn’t disturb her.”
Was he seriously here to taunt me? I hated this little man.
“And what are you wearing? You look like a clown trying too hard to be French.”
Trying too hard to be French? I am French. Or at least, I’d lived in France for many years throughout my never-ending life. I looked down at my matching striped pants and vest with a sick scarf. Ghazi had lost his mind. Sure, not many people could pull off this outfit. But I could. Although...maybe the baguette was too much? Who cares, it’s delicious. I took a bite of it as a French girl walked by giving me sex eyes.
I ignored her. I wasn’t interested. The only woman I wanted was Ash. And she was off fucking Wurst. I realized I was gripping the baguette a bit too hard and smushing it. I sighed. “Seriously, why hasn’t she called yet?”
“Maybe she found true love. Have you checked your lamp?”
“Of course. I’ve been watching it this entire time.” I pulled it out to check again. “Still no Cooper on it.”
“Maybe they’re still in the act.”
I gritted my teeth. “Seriously, why hasn’t she videochatted me yet? It’s almost midnight. I think I’m gonna go try to find her…”
“Fine,” said Ghazi. “At midnight I’ll let you summon her. Good luck!” He snapped his fingers and disappeared. But not before I thought I heard him say, “Not!”
That little shit. He was worse than Nigel in the early 1700s, and that was saying something.
I went to go get some pastries to pass the time until midnight. I walked along the Seine alone. And I checked my lamp a dozen more times. Until finally the clock struck midnight.
I snapped my fingers to summon Ash.
She appeared in front of me, looking frantic and confused. And extremely hot. Her tits were practically pouring out of her black and yellow dirndl. And her braided pigtails were just begging to be grabbed while I fucked her from behind. If only… Had Wurst gotten to do that instead? The thought was both hot and infuriating.
“Ah!” yelled Ash. “Where am I? And why does it smell of cheese and fresh bread and cigarettes?!”
I laughed.
She spun around. Her eyes grew wide at the sight of the Eiffel Tower. And then her eyes landed on me.
I pulled her into a hug. “Thank God you’re okay. You are okay, right?” I pulled back to stare down at her. “Your face is a little red.” I was used to her cheeks flushing when she was embarrassed. Or turned on. But her whole face was red right now. “Are you feeling alright?” I touched her cheek.
She cringed. “Physically, yes. But mentally I’m not sure I’ll ever recover from that weird shit.
What? I raised my eyebrow.
“Don’t look at me like that. You saw it!!”
“No I didn’t.”
“Yes you did!”
I laughed. “How about you just tell me what happened?”
“You really want me to say it all out loud? Fine. Oh boy, do I have a story for you…”
She launched into the craziest story ever. And I’d seen a lot of crazy shit over the years. But the more she went on, the more I realized she was just telling me a fairytale. She was making up the whole thing. And all I could do was laugh.
“It wasn’t funny! It was horrifying!” She rubbed her hands on her cheeks like she was still trying to remove imaginary skeet .
“You’re just telling me Chastity’s version of Hansel & Gretel.”
“I know! It was exactly like that. But it really happened. Chastity tried to warn me but I didn’t listen. And then I wound up as a Gretel sandwich with tons of extra sauce. Or a Hansel sandwich? I don’t even know! But I hated every second of it.”
“Except it didn’t happen.”
“Of course it did.”
“It’s a fairytale, Ash.”
She laughed. “Yeah, but it came true. You saw it.”
I shook my head.
“Why are you shaking your head at me?”
“Because I didn’t see anything. You never videochatted me.”
“Yes I did.”
“No.” I pulled out my phone to show her. I had no missed calls for the last three hours.
“Maybe it’s a time zone thing? Go back further…”
“That’s not how time zones work.” I laughed again.
“I swear I called you, Tanner.” She pulled out her phone to check. She swiped it so violently that her phone shot right out of her hand and into the Seine.
I laughed.
“No!” she screamed. “Fuck!”
I couldn’t help it. I started laughing harder.
“It’s not funny!”
“It’s hilarious. You threw your phone into the Seine so you don’t have to admit you made it all up.”
“I didn’t make it up! And my phone flew into the river because the screen was all sticky while I was swiping. It was probably from the cum on my hands when I grabbed it off the nightstand. Damn me and my sticky jizz fingers!”
“Baby.”
“Don’t baby me! God! No! Now I’ll never know who I videochatted. What if it was Matt?! Oh my God, it’s Incident #8. I Incident #8ed all over Matt!”
Incident #8ed? What was she talking about? “Do you even have his number?”
“No! We need to call a French riverman to come fetch my phone! Or a mime. Anyone! Please help!”
“Ash, relax. I’m sure it’s not a big deal.”
“Not a big deal?! What if I called my dad?!”
I laughed. “Well that would be truly horrifying. But luckily none of it happened. You really do have quite an imagination.”
“How do you not believe me? Didn’t you see my sticky jizz phone?”
“No. Because you just threw it into the river to hide the lack of evidence. And because you literally just stole Chastity’s wild Hansel and Gretel story. Did you even go on the date at all? Or did you just bounce the second you left the hotel?”
“I told you everything that happened! How can you…” her voice trailed off and she started fanning herself.
I was pretty sure she was hyperventilating. She’s really milking this. Okay. I guess I’ll play along for a minute...
“It’s going to be okay,” I said. “I mean…the call probably just didn’t go through since you were in Germany. Or maybe you didn’t have the country code for me in your phone, so you called some random German dude instead. It’s like the classic thought experiment: If a girl blows a big beefy wizard in the forest and only some random German dude sees the video of it, did it even really happen?”
Ash finally laughed too.
“In this case, the answer is obviously no. Since your whole story is made up.”
Ash slowly nodded. “Right. Right,” she said a little louder. “Fine, you caught me. I chickened out after the game.”
“You’re amazing. I can’t believe you came up with that whole crazy story.” We needed to start pulling pranks together.
“Uh...yup. I sure did. Really I just wanted to make sure that when I do bang someone, you won’t cry in the corner like the sausage king did. In my story, that is. Like the sausage king cried in my totally made-up story.”
I stared at her. “Well, now I’m starting to think maybe the story is real…”
“Nope. We agreed it was a lie. So it’s done. Anywho... what are we doing in Paris?”
We’re in Paris because I was panicking and wanted to make sure to woo you back after fucking someone else... But I didn’t think I had anything to worry about here. Ash loved me. She couldn’t even go through with tonight because she loved me so much. We were going to be fine. We’d get through this, I knew it.
I cleared my throat. “We’re here for a romantic evening of course. Speaking of which, I have something for you.” I handed her the box of chocolate filled croissants I’d picked up .
“Oh, yes please!” She lifted one out of the box. “I’m famished.” She ate it so fast and then groaned. “That is the most amazing thing I’ve ever put in my mouth.”
I smiled. “Just wait until I’m free of my curse.”
“Is your cum gonna taste like chocolate croissants? Seriously, these are so good.” She quickly ate another.
I could so easily picture her on her knees, being just as ravenous with my cock. My fingers buried in her red hair. I swallowed hard. I needed to change the subject before I lit Paris on fire.
“That’s not even the best croissant in town. But the other cafes are closed right now.”
“It’s the best in my book.” She dropped the empty box in the trash and we started walking along the Seine.
I slipped my hand into hers as I guided her toward the Eiffel Tower.
We could go for a walk on the river anywhere. But there truly was something about this place. Romance was in the air. I felt drunk even though I hadn’t even had a single sip of wine. Ash had been right when she said this would be a good place to make matches. How could someone not fall in love under these lights?
She smiled up at me as we stopped to listen to music from a street performer. I pulled her in close and she rested the side of face against my chest. I really could do this forever.
Forever.
The word had so many meanings to me. An actual eternity on my worst days. And on days where I was hopeful? Forever could mean a lot less. It could mean a normal forever. I closed my eyes as I held Ash close .
She hadn’t had sex tonight. I probably should have been upset. But if anything, I was more relieved.
We swayed to the music.
She was my way out of this mess. But she was also the only reason I had to keep going at all. I’d run away from her once. To try to keep her safe. But now we were in this together.
It would kill me to watch her grow old. To never be able to provide her with children. Or a family. To watch her die. I closed my eyes tight.
But I couldn’t make her seek out another love. It just seemed cruel when we already had it.
She lifted her head from my chest and looked up at me. “What are you thinking?”
“That I love you. And that I’d do anything for you.”
She stood up on her tiptoes and kissed me.
I wanted to be free. But I wanted her more.
She pulled back and then immediately threw her arms around me. “Is that a mime?”
I looked over her shoulder. “Don’t tell me you’re scared of mimes?”
“I didn’t know it until just this moment. But they’re so similar to clowns. And clown penises,” she added in a whisper.
I laughed and grabbed her hand. We ran past the mime and for some reason we kept running. Until we were both out of breath from laughing.
“I have to add mime penis to the list,” she said as she tried to catch her breath .
“What is this list? Is it the same one as whatever list Incident #8 is on? Speaking of which...what are the other incidents?” I had so many questions.
“They’re separate lists,” she said very seriously. “And you’re not allowed to know about the other incidents. Because they’re unspeakable.”
“You do realize that I have ways of extracting information out of you.”
She pulled her eyebrows together. “Magical ways? You wouldn’t.”
“No. Not magical.” I tickled her side.
“Ah! Stop!” But she just laughed harder.
“Tell me about the incidents and I’ll stop.”
“Never!”
I started laughing too. “Just tell me.”
“I can’t.”
I kept tickling her.
“Fine! Fine! Gah!” She somehow ducked under my arm. “Fine,” she said again. “But...don’t look at me while I go through them. Seriously, turn around.”
“As you wish.” I turned around so I couldn’t see her.
“And just remember. You asked for this. God, you’re never going to look at me the same. But...here it goes. Incident #1. AKA the Incident. AKA the OG Incident. I went on a blind date with Matthew Caldwell and set his pants on fire.”
I chuckled. “I’ve heard all about that one.”
“You’re not allowed to have reactions to the incidents. Stay quiet.”
“My lips are sealed.”
“Incident #2: Raping Dr. Lyons during a doctor’s appointment because I thought it was a Society date.”
Um...what?
“Incident #3: There was an elevator nudity thing. Not a big deal when taking all the incidents into consideration. Although I’ll die if I ever see that man’s face again. I curtseyed. Whatever. Actually, the blueberry pie thing almost made it as #3, but Raven Black doesn’t have incidents.”
I smiled remembering her knocking the pie right into my face before our first date. She thought I hadn’t seen her.
“Incident #4: Projectile vomiting on Dr. Lyons’ shoes.”
Why did so many of these involve Anthony Lyons?
“Incident #5: Raping Dr. Lyons AGAIN.”
How often do the two of them hang out?
“Incident #6: Falling off the side of the yacht half naked after confessing my love for you.”
I smiled. I loved that.
“Incident #7: Flinging myself against a window after being top nude in front of Matt.”
A lot of these involved Matt too...
“And alas. Incident #8: Calling an unknown number and videochatting with a stranger while I got skeeted on by two freaks. Which obviously I made up. Because that was the conclusion we mutually came to.”
I laughed and turned around.
“No, don’t look at me.” She closed her eyes like that would somehow make me close my eyes too.
“Ash? ”
She scrunched up her face to close her eyes even more.
“Baby.” I put my hands on either side of her face.
She slowly opened one eye and squinted at me.
“I love you.”
“Even after everything I just said?”
“I mean...I do have questions. What exactly do you mean by raping? Because honestly it’s incredibly hard to rape a man. Unless we’re talking about a fold it up and shove it in kinda scenario...”
“I know, right?! I’m always talking about folding it up and shoving it in. But I didn’t do that with Dr. Lyon’s. It was more of a groping... You know what? No. You’re not allowed to ask questions. We’re in the middle of a romantic date. So...stop it.”
I couldn’t stop smiling. What kind of person kept track of all their most embarrassing moments in such a way? I smiled harder. My kind of person. And she was never going to hear the end of this. But...we were on a romantic date.
“Do you want to go up?” I gestured to the Eiffel Tower.
“Isn’t it closed? It’s like 1 in the morning.”
“It is. But Nigel built a secret entrance into it.”
“Nigel did what now?”
I grabbed her hand to guide her to the tower. “He built a secret entrance into it. When we lived here in the 1880s, Nigel worked on new tech to show off at the 1889 Exposition Universelle. But when they announced that the theme was a celebration of the centenary of the French revolution, he got super pissed.”
“Because they’d killed his lover Marie Antoinette? ”
“Precisely. Anyway, he came up with this big plan to blow up the Eiffel tower, so he helped design a secret entrance into it. But then once they actually built it, he thought it was so beautiful that he couldn’t bring himself to do it.”
“Wow, okay. And what were you doing during that time?”
“Running the Orient Express.”
She looked up at me. “For real?”
It was fun finally getting to talk about all this with someone other than Nigel. And Jacob on occasion. But he’d grow up and just think it was all pretend. “Yup. It was the perfect way to take frequent trips to the near east to look for ancient magic that might free me from my curse. Alas, I came up empty. But I did make a small fortune in the process. Ah, here we are.” I pressed a button and opened a secret elevator into the Eiffel Tower.
“I can’t believe this is happening.” She stepped inside and we rode to the top. “Wow.” She stared out at the beautiful view of the Champ de Mars gardens.
But I was too busy staring at her.
“What is this?” She walked over to a table with some champagne and cheese. There was a wrapped present waiting for her. “Is this for me?”
“Like you said...it’s closed right now to everyone else.”
She was smiling so hard.
“Happy birthday, Ash.”
“But my birthday isn’t until Saturday. ”
“Yeah, but Chastity called dibs. Apparently she’s been planning you the perfect birthday weekend for months.”
“Oh God, that is definitely going to involve strippers.”
I forced myself to keep the smile on my face. For just a few minutes there...I’d forgotten about everything else. “The perfect opportunity for you to find love, I suppose.”
“Oh, yeah, totally.” She awkwardly fidgeted with the present. “I’m gonna fuck every stripper there.” She looked so sad saying it.
“You’re never gonna bang anyone, are you?”
“I already did! Kind of. Wait, no. I didn’t.” She started fanning her armpits.
I laughed. It was okay. I didn’t really want to talk about this right now. Not when we were standing in the middle of Paris. “Don’t you want to open your present?”
She slowly unwrapped the paper and popped the lid of the jewelry box open. The diamond embedded in the center of the ring shimmered under the moonlight.
Ash was silent. She looked at me. Then back at the ring. Then back at me. Her mouth opened then closed.
I knew what she was thinking. And I liked messing with her too much to set her straight right away.
“I really want to say yes,” she said. “But I’m not sure I can when I still have to do the unthinkable to set you free. It feels wrong to have a fiancé while I prance around town, you know? Although it’s weird having a boyfriend too...”
I laughed. “I’m not proposing. ”
“You’re not?” It still looked like she was freaking out.
I smiled and shook my head.
“But this looks like an engagement ring.”
“Does it?” I shrugged. “They’re always changing these things.”
“Oh. Well. It’s beautiful.”
I knew it looked better than any engagement ring she’d ever seen before. But I also knew she wasn’t mine. Not yet.
I cleared my throat. “And functional. As long as you’re wearing it, it’ll magically purify your blood. Basically, it makes it so that it’s impossible for you to get sick.”
Her jaw dropped. “REALLY?! Ah! I love it!” She slid it onto her middle finger. Right next to where the engagement ring I’d give her soon would one day sit. “I already feel better!! This is the best birthday present ever!” She grabbed the champagne and popped the bottle. The cork hit her in the cheek. “Ow. Do you have a ring that prevents clumsiness too?”
“No. Some things can’t be changed.”
She smiled. “Well, shucks.” She took a sip of champagne as she stared at me. “While we’re here, do you think you can you show me where you used to live?”
“I would love to, but…there’s still one part of your dream Paris date that needs to be fulfilled.”
“Oh God. Are two Frenchies about to jump out and Eiffel Tower me?” She looked around frantically .
I laughed and snapped my fingers. Not to make that happen. But to teleport us under the Eiffel Tower. “I think you requested a kiss beneath the Eiffel Tower.”
She looped her hands behind my neck as I leaned down and kissed her. A violinist was playing nearby and we swayed to the music. There were so many moments in my life where I wished I could freeze time. Where the world would stop aging around me.
Ash looked up at me. “This is the best night ever. Or at least, this part is. The first half was definitely not.” She shuddered.
A part of me was starting to wonder about her story since she kept mentioning it... Did all that crazy stuff with the sausage king really happen?
I tucked a loose strand of hair behind her ear. “Maybe we should just have more nights like this then. Put the whole lesser true love thing on hold for a bit.”
“Yeah?” She looked so excited.
“Yeah.” How could I say no to her? And I had gotten super jealous tonight. It had brought back memories of my time at the Croquet Club in Ireland… I shook away the thought. Ash wouldn’t do that to me. She was my true love.
“So we’re just gonna be a normal couple?” she asked.
The way she said it made my chest ache. The wife and kids and family I pictured earlier tonight vanished in the blink of an eye. We’d never be a normal couple. Not while I was cursed. Not until her name showed up on my lamp. But I just nodded my head.
I had a sick feeling in my gut. She was going to make me watch her grow old and die. She was going to break my heart because she was too scared of breaking it right in this moment. And she’d never understand how fleeting a moment was. Not like me.
I took a deep breath. I’d give her anything she wanted. Always. Even if it hurt. “Well, if we’re going to be a normal couple, I should probably introduce you to my friends. Officially.”
She stared at me in horror. “No.”
I laughed. “Yes. I think it’s time you got to really know Matt. I’m sure he’d like to know all about your incidents...”
“Kill me.”