Chapter 34 – My Life Is Unraveling
Saturday – October 28, 2023
Ash
The next 24 hours were unbearable. I could feel the baby growing in my womb. Yes, just one baby. I’d looked it up and it seemed unlikely that I’d gotten pregnant from every member of the Supernova Six squad I’d let run train on me. So just one wittle baby.
It was probably the size of a walnut. Or a mango?
Gah, fine! I didn’t do the research. Preparing my body to be the heathiest it could be was one thing. Researching how this baby was going to destroy said body was another thing entirely. I was too scared to see what this demon was going to do to my innards and outtards.
“What’s on your mind?” asked Tanner.
I lifted my head from his chest. We were snuggling on the couch. Being plastered against his body was my favorite thing in the world. “Um...nothing.”
“It really seems like it’s something.” He tucked a loose strand of hair behind my ear.
“Negatory.”
He smiled. “You know you can tell me anything.”
“As can you.” What am I saying?
His cell phone started ringing. He answered it and stared at me .
Why was he looking at me like that?! Did he know what I’d done? Who the hell was calling him and telling him I’d fucked all of Supernova Six?!
Tanner ended the call. “There’s a package for you at the front desk.”
How peculiar. “Should we go get it?”
“A package?!” yelled Nigel as he sprinted into the room. “That’s my job! Moi!” He kept running right out of the apartment.
“Nigel will get it,” said Tanner.
I laughed. “I got that...” A second later Nigel appeared in front of me with a box.
I would have screamed but I was starting to get used to him popping up unexpectedly. How did he grab that so fast though? It seemed like Nigel never got in trouble for using his magic. But I guess there was no one on the genie council that he’d fucked over...
“What is it?” I asked.
“It doesn’t say.” Nigel handed it to me.
I shrugged and opened the box. There was a wrapped present inside.
Tanner lifted up a little label. “It’s for you. From Young Robert. And it says to open it in private.” He let the label flutter back in place.
Ah, my super high tech pregnancy test! Finally!
“What is Young Robert doing sending you gifts? Please tell me you haven’t broken Rule #4.”
“Of course not. Young Robert isn’t your friend.”
Tanner’s face went dead serious. “Ash. Did you fuck Young Robert?”
I laughed. “I’m not fucking Rob. He’s married, and Daphne is lovely. It’s probably just something for the Halloween party tonight. Speaking of which, I need to go get ready.” I jumped off the couch before Tanner or Nigel could use magic to see through the package or something. I went through the magical portal to get my costume, and then went back into Tanner’s apartment and snuck into the bathroom. I double locked the door for extra privacy. I wasn’t sure why there were two locks on Tanner’s bathroom door. I think it had something to do with the fact that whenever his dick was out of his drawers it was a hazard.
I slowly unwrapped the package. It was definitely a pregnancy test. And very high tech looking. It was made of shiny metal. There were no directions. But I didn’t need them. I’d been taking pregnancy tests all week. I peed on it like a total pro and then stared at it. And stared at it.
But nothing happened. There were no little lines appearing like usual.
My phone buzzed.
It was a text from an unknown number: “I’ll have your results at the party. Love, Rob.”
Noooo. I didn’t want to wait any longer. High tech should be speedy! Hunter Tech technology was trash! Or the best thing ever. I didn’t know! I started to get all sweaty. I tried to take a deep breath to calm down. I only had to wait another couple hours. But nothing would stop my sweat.
I hopped into the shower to try to get it off of me. I turned the water on, but it just came out of the bath spout rather than the showerhead. And there was no way to switch it. Damn it! I’d been asking Nigel to fix this shower all week. I’d tried everything. Every little nozzle. Everything I could possibly pull. They were all useless wall contraptions that did nothing to make this shower be a shower. Water kept flowing from the bath spout. Fuck it. I crouched down and splashed my pits with water. For the fanciest apartment I’d ever been in, it had the shittiest shower in the world.
And it just made me sweatier because I was so pissed that it was still broken. I sighed and turned off the water. Everything is fine. Everything is fine. Everything is fine.
I kept chanting the words to myself as I put on my mummy costume.
The theme for the annual Caldwell Halloween party was ancient Egypt. Jacob had gotten obsessed with ancient Egypt after he’d stumbled upon Tanner’s room filled with all the Egyptian artifacts he’d helped unearth in the 1920s. Apparently he’d been part of the crew that found King Tut’s tomb. He’d been hoping to find some ancient magic he could use to fight the genie council, but he hadn’t found anything useful. Other than a shit ton of gold.
And Mrs. Caldwell loved her grandson’s enthusiasm. Although she didn’t believe any of the stories about Tanner that Jacob relayed. And she’d made the theme for the party ancient Egypt. Jacob was so excited to choose outfits for everyone he could command. Which included me. Because I was now the young man’s abuela.
Tanner would be dressing up as Osiris, the god of rebirth, since he’d lived so many places. And I was going to be a new mummy in the underworld. Probably because Jacob had just recently met me. I double unlocked the door and found Tanner in his great room.
He looked so hot in his costume. He had a white pharaoh crown, gold armor, a fake pharaoh beard, and green skin. I was never really attracted to the hulk. He was way too bulky for me. But Tanner’s lean muscles and six pack abs really worked in green. Yum.
Nigel walked up beside me.
I jumped. Just when I thought I’d gotten used to his sneaky ways...
“Master!” he yelled. “No!”
“What’s wrong?” asked Tanner.
“You can’t wear greenface.” He leaned in closer. “They’ll be offended,” he whispered.
“Who? And why are you dressed like a caveman?”
“I don’t know who! I suppose the same people that were offended by the headdress I wore last Thanksgiving. Which is why I’m dressed like a caveman. I don’t want to appropriate any more cultures. So I couldn’t dress like the Egyptian god of baths. And then I was going to go in my usual butler outfit. But I’m Moroccan. And my butler outfit is English. So that was out. And so was my German lederhosen. And pants in general.”
I laughed. “I don’t think wearing pants is cultural appropriation.”
“But they were invented by the Scythians. And I’m not Scythian. This was the only thing I could think of that might not be problematic.” He gestured to his caveman outfit. “And even that’s a little iffy. But maybe there were cavemen in Morocco that dressed like this? I don’t know! WAIT. Who invented baths? Am I allowed to use them? Dear God, my life is in shambles.” He sighed and collapsed onto the couch.
His life was in shambles?! I was the one who’d been knocked up by the entire Supernova Six. And now I was starting to worry this outfit was problematic.
“I can’t be things that I was.” He put his hand to his forehead. “Or be how I am. Or be like my actual self from before. Because people don’t know I’m not the fresh-faced boy I appear to be! Woe is me!”
I wanted to collapse next to him in despair. I looked up at Tanner. “Am I going to get cancelled for this mummy outfit? I just got out of my little brush with ginger supremacy. I don’t want to have to fuck a mummy! I mean kiss. Who would fuck someone just to convince them that they weren’t a ginger supremacist? That would be awfully extreme.” Oh God I’m so sweaty.
Tanner laughed. “No one is getting cancelled tonight. And no one is gonna have to fuck a mummy. Unless they’re your lesser true love. In that case, I would very much appreciate you fucking them so I can get free.”
“Aye-aye, Captain.” I gave him a salute and my boob popped out.
Tanner raised his eyebrow at me. “You may want to add a few extra pins to that. The only people at this party are gonna be my friends and children, so I don’t think you’ll need to be fucking anyone.”
Nigel leapt off the couch. “I will make sure she doesn’t expose herself!” He ran over with a safety pin.
“Oh, now you decide to be helpful?” I asked.
“Have I ever not been helpful?”
“Yes! You still haven’t fixed that shower. ”
“There’s nothing wrong with it.”
“Yes there is,” I said. Not everything could be exclusively a bath!
“No there isn’t.”
“Yes there is.”
Nigel sighed. “Fine. I’ll put it in my calendar. Again .” He pulled a huge planner out of thin air and flipped through. “Let’s see…” He kept flipping. And flipping. “Okay, I should have time to fix it on Monday.”
“Thank you. Now let’s get to this party.” I need my pregnancy confirmation from Rob! And hopefully I wouldn’t get cancelled again. Because Nigel had really gotten in my head. He’d lived through most of the things he was worried about appropriating. So if he was worried, I was doubly worried. But people should be allowed to wear pants without the world falling apart. I’d certainly feel more comfortable right now if I had a nice pair of slacks under my mummy costume so I wouldn’t accidentally moon anyone.
***
The Caldwell mansion was haunting, with its gray stone exterior and gryphon statues. But there was something about the way the grand entrance was decorated as a golden sphinx for the party that made it more inviting.
“Normally they go very spooky,” said Tanner as he grabbed my hand to help me out of the car. “But kids were invited to attend this year. So it’s probably a little tamer.”
“I can’t believe I’m about to go into Matt’s childhood home,” I said .
“If you would like a tour of Master Matthew’s bedroom, I can arrange it,” said Nigel.
Tanner shook his head at the both of us.
I gasped as we made our way into the grand foyer. It was decorated to look like we’d stepped into a tomb. There were spiderwebs, hieroglyphs, sarcophaguses, and gold in every direction. And the marble floor could barely be seen with the sand that had been dumped on top of it.
“This way,” said Tanner and guided me down a hall that was filled with sand too and somehow had a miniature Nile running down it.
This hallway wasn’t scary. But the sarcophaguses in the entranceway seemed a bit terrifying for children. When we stepped into the ballroom though, it was like we were transported to ancient Egypt. Almost like stepping foot into a memory. Like I’d done with Tanner’s past.
There were palm trees and women with fanning fronds dancing. Huge pillars supported all sorts of golden relics. There was a band decked out in pharaoh crowns in the corner. And the waitresses were in white linen dresses and gold sandals, walking around with trays. The only thing that wasn’t authentic was a pumpkin patch in the corner for kids to play in. There were cats with gold fur roaming about.
It was all very extra. And oh so fabulous.
Jacob ran over to us. He was all dressed up in gold like the sarcophagus of King Tut, the boy king. And he looked so adorable.
Tanner leaned down. “Hello, Grandson. ”
“I’m not your grandson. I’m King Tut! The boy king. And this is my daddy, Akhenaten. And my mommy, the Younger Lady.”
Matt and Brooklyn had walked over dressed as mummies.
“And this is my half-sister, Ankhesenamun.” Jacob pointed to the cute little Egyptian queen in Brooklyn’s arms.
Tanner lowered his lips to my ear. “Yikes,” he whispered. “Did I forget to tell him that Ankhesenamun was King Tut’s sister wife? Hopefully this isn’t a sign that he’s going to marry his younger sister.”
I laughed. But I was more focused on Matt being dressed as a mummy. Shit balls! Tanner had said I’d have to fuck a mummy if it was my lesser true love. Jacob making Chloe dress like his sister wife was an innocent mistake. But this? This felt like maybe a sign from the universe...
Wait! No. Matt was Tanner’s friend, so he was off limits. Thank God for Rule #4. It would have been way to awkward to fuck Matt. Especially because he had a wife. Who was quite lovely. And an adorable little baby. God, I can’t wait to have my own. Which I will be having in like...8 and a half months? Where is Rob?! I had to know.
“Hello, granddaughter,” said Tanner and tickled Chloe’s belly.
She cooed up at him.
But suddenly Jacob didn’t look nearly as happy. “What are you, Mr. Nigel? You don’t look like the god of baths. I picked it out just for you.”
“I know,” said Nigel with a sigh. “But I’m a culturally sensitive caveman. And I don’t bathe. ”
Jacob laughed. “Ew! You’re gonna be stinky.”
“I know.” Nigel frowned. “I hate not bathing. I hate not getting to be me.”
“You should just be you, Mr. Nigel.”
Nigel smiled. “If only the mob wasn’t after all of us whenever we had a bit of fun.”
“What’s a mob?” asked Jacob.
“If you’ll excuse me for a moment,” I said. I didn’t wait for a response. I needed to find Rob ASAP.
Tanner caught up to me and grabbed my hand. “Where are you running off to?”
“Nowhere,” I said way too quickly for him to believe me.
But luckily Mason and Bee were approaching us. It was the perfect distraction. I’d been pretty good at avoiding them ever since they made stupid Mr. Frost my boss. But I couldn’t resist giving them props for their clever costumes.
Mason was dressed as Julius Caesar and Bee was Cleopatra. Their adorable baby girl Nova was dressed like an asp. But instead of biting Bee, she was breastfeeding.
I waved awkwardly at them. “Bosses,” I said. “Nice costumes.”
Bee laughed. “It’s good to see you, Ash. And please, just call us Bee and Mason.”
This was all going to take some getting used to. Being Tanner’s girlfriend. Being friends with his friends. Having a baby growing inside of me every second. I cleared my throat. “If you’ll excuse me.” Where the hell was Rob? !
I saw Mr. and Mrs. Caldwell up ahead. He was dressed like Geb, the earth god. And was covered in wheat. And she was dressed as the goddess of the sky, Nut. Her dress was covered in stars. They looked amazing. And I immediately turned in the opposite direction. There was something about meeting Matthew Caldwell’s parents that made me want to run. If they knew what I’d done to their son’s penis... Yup, no. Never.
Tanner stopped short and almost made me trip. “What the fuck is he wearing?”
“Who?” But I didn’t need to ask. Because just at that second, I saw Rob. Dressed like a genie. Oh shit.
Tanner shook his head. “Why is he wearing that?”
“I...I don’t know.”
“He doesn’t know my secret, does he?”
Fuck! “How could he possibly know your secret?”
“Why is he smiling like that?” asked Tanner.
Seriously, for fuck’s sake, Young Robert! You promised to keep it a secret!
Rob kept smiling as he walked over to us.
“What are you wearing?” I asked in a way I hoped wasn’t suspicious.
Rob shrugged. “A genie costume. Genies are Egyptian, right?”
“No,” said Tanner deadpan. “They’re not.”
“Oh.” Rob laughed. “My bad. I thought they were. But...maybe they are. You never know with genies. I’ve always heard that genies lie tons.”
Young Robert!
He turned back to me. “Wanna rub my lamp?” He pointed down to his crotch. His upper half and lower half were very Aladdin costume-esque. But his entire midsection was shaped like a golden genie lamp that said: “Rub me.”
“No. Can you...um...take me to Daphne? I need to talk to her about girl stuff.” It was the only thing I could think of to say to get away from Tanner for this conversation.
“Sure thing. Come with me. Maybe I’ll even let you ride my magic carpet.”
Tanner gasped. Not because of the sexual innuendo. But because he hated magic carpets because they were death traps. Rob was the only one being culturally insensitive here!
I grabbed his arm and pulled him away. “What the hell, Rob? You said you’d keep it a secret.”
“I am keeping it a secret.”
“How is this keeping it a secret?!” I gestured to his costume.
“It’s a classic Hunter Cooper mess around.”
“A classic what?”
“Hunter Cooper mess around. A joke. Just for us.”
“But it isn’t funny.”
“It’s a little funny.”
“It’s not.”
Rob smiled. “Isn’t it though?”
“Will you please just give me my test results?”
He opened up a door for us and we walked into a private room. It looked like some kind of rich person study.
I sat down on a fancy couch. “I can’t believe you dressed like a genie just to mess with him.”
“We’re both messing with him,” said Rob. “Because it’s a Hunter Cooper...”
“Mess around, yeah I got it.” I groaned. “Rob, we can’t let anyone know Tanner’s a genie. He’ll get in trouble. I told you it’s dangerous for him and us.”
“I didn’t tell anyone anything, I swear. It was just a joke for you and me.”
“Hilarious.”
“I know, right?” He sat down next to me.
“Flaming genie penises are not a funny thing. Do you think I want to cheat on him all the time in order to free him? This freaking sucks!”
“I doubt cheating on Tanner on the regular sucks.”
“Young Robert!”
He laughed. “Please don’t call me that too. Tanner gets to, I guess. Since he’s technically a 343-year-old genie.”
I groaned.
“On a more serious note. You’re pregnant. With triplets.”
“WHAT?!”
“Whoever you stepped out on Tanner with filled you with triplets.”
“No!”
Rob nodded. “I’m afraid so. Three babies.”
“Stop it!”
“I’m being serious,” he said.
“I know you’re being serious, I’m just freaking out!”
“Take a deep breath. It’ll be fine.”
“How will any of this be fine! I have to go tell my genie boyfriend that I’m having triplets with someone else and I don’t even know who because I’m a whore who let a bunch of men run train on me.”
“Can we back up for a second?” asked Rob. “Who ran train on you?”
“My baby daddy and a bunch of other men! Obviously! I just said that! Gah! No! Don’t repeat anything I just said!”
Someone cleared their throat.
Oh no. I spun around.
Daphne had just stepped into the room through a door behind the desk. It looked like she’d been in the study’s bathroom changing into a super tiny outfit. She was holding RJ in her arms. He was dressed like an adorable little Abu. I would have taken a moment to comment on the cuteness of that monkey costume on him, but...
Had she just heard all that?!
“Sorry,” said Daphne as she adjusted her breasts so she wouldn’t flash a nipple. “Sophie insisted on switching costumes with me at the last minute. I was supposed to be Princess Jasmine from Aladdin. But then Sophie said she wanted to be Princess Jasmine. And threw a bit of a temper tantrum. So now I’m Rajah, which was her costume.”
The tiger costume fit her like a too-tight glove. But it worked for her.
Rob whistled.
And Daphne cleared her throat.
I just stared at her in horror. “Did you hear...our conversation?”
Daphne slowly nodded her head.
“All of it?” My voice squeaked .
She nodded her head again.
I screamed at the top of my lungs like I’d seen a ghost instead of the truth. And then I ran out of the room.
I’d just told Tanner’s secret to another person.
And I was pregnant. With triplets. And I didn’t know who the fuck the father was!
I screamed again as I ran past the Nile. I saw Penny and James standing by a table of refreshments. Penny was sipping out of a golden goblet. Scarlett was running around with Jacob. She was dressed like Bastet, the goddess of protection, with a little cat head. James was dressed as the sun god. He had a falcon head with a giant gold disc behind it. He looked hot as sin, but I didn’t fucking care. I needed to talk to Penny. I knew Jacob had made her dress like Hathor, the goddess of fertility. And unlike Nigel, she’d listened to Jacob’s demands. Her cow head proved it.
I sprinted over to them, and just dodged in time to narrowly avoid flattening a golden cat. “Penny, do I look pregnant?” I needed to know who else could tell. Because if Tanner could already tell, he was going to be so pissed that I hadn’t said anything. Am I showing?!
“Um...no?” said Penny.
Why did she frame that like a question?!
Liam was in her arms. He reached out toward my costume. He was dressed like Set, the god of chaos. I would have taken a moment to compliment his adorable little jackal head, but I was freaking the fuck out!
“Are you okay?” asked Penny. “Do you need a drink?” She turned to grab me a golden goblet of my own .
I shook my head. “You’ve gotta help me, Penny. My whole life is unravelling!”
James cleared his throat. “I think that’s because Liam just removed all your safety pins.” He pointed down to his son in Penny’s arms. The adorable little pervert dressed as Set.
Liam had a handful of safety pins and a very mischievous grin.
Liam! You god of chaos!
I looked down just in time to see my entire costume fall to the floor. Ah!!!
* * *