Chapter 9
SERPENTS SINGLES GROUP CHAT
Lawson: Okay, you guys can say it: That goal was fucking epic!
Hayes: It’s preseason. Calm down.
Keller: Damn. Hayesy beat me to it.
Keller: But what he said. It’s preseason. Chill.
Lawson: Easy for you to say. You’d never be able to pull off a goal like that in your life.
Keller: Bullshit.
Lawson: Then prove it. Make it happen against Vancouver.
Fox: No way you’d get that past their goalie.
Keller: Hundred bucks says I will.
Lawson: I will gladly take that bet.
Lawson: Speaking of bets, are we still taking them on when Auden’s going to pop? How many days past her due date is she now?
Hutch: For starters, we are not taking bets on my fiancée and child.
Hutch: And secondly, can you guys shut up? I’m trying to get some rest over here.
Keller: That’s a good idea because you won’t be getting any for a long, long, long time. Like for the next several years.
Lawson: How would you know? You’re not a dad.
Keller: And despite what you tell yourself, you’re not either.
Lawson: For the last freakin’ time, my babies are MY BABIES! Just call me Darth Vader because I am their father.
Hayes: I really hate that that made me laugh.
Fox: Nice reference, Lawsy.
Keller: NERD
Lawson: Nerd who is getting laid regularly.
Fox: OH SNAP
Hayes: *whistles* Damn
Locke: Think he got you there, Kells.
Keller: The fuck you chiming in for, Locke? Unless you’re getting some sort of secret action you’re not telling the rest of us about, hmm?
Lawson: Locke?
Locke: Shut up, Lawson.
Keller: Answer the question, Whitlocke.
Locke: No. Fucking happy?
Keller: I’m never happy.
Fox: You really aren’t. We should talk about that more.
Keller: Let’s not.
Hayes: Maybe you should try to get laid, Locke. You’re kind of grumpy lately.
Locke: Ever think I’m just tired of hanging out with a bunch of children?
Lawson: Hey, you don’t get to play the “children” card AND get mad when we call you old. You have to pick.
Fox: That seems fair.
Locke: You’re all so annoying.
Hutch: You really are fucking annoying. I’m still trying to sleep, you know. Baby coming soon and all that. Sleep is precious.
Locke: Speaking of… What’s going on with your sister when the baby gets here? Is she still going to be living with you?
Hutch: Not a clue. The house is big and all, and she’s pretty much always in her room anyway, so it’s not like she’d be a bother, but I can’t imagine someone starting their life over wants to be roommates with a newborn.
Hutch: If it weren’t my kid, I’d feel that way.
Fox: Sucks she’s in such an awful situation. Can we do anything to help?
Fox: Right, guys? Because we want to help.
Hayes: Oh, uh, yeah, sure.
Lawson: Definitely.
Keller: I don’t.
Hutch: Unless you’ve magically found a place for her to rent, then no. But thanks for offering, Fox.
Hutch: Now, everyone shut the fuck up so I can nap.
Lawson: You know you can mute the chat, right?
Keller: YOU CAN MUTE THE CHAT?!
Keller: Holy fuck. This is a game changer!
Lawson: What? No, I was just kidding!
Lawson: LOL LOL LOL LOL
Lawson: I’m SO funny, aren’t I, guys?
Lawson: Guys?
Lawson: GUYS?!
Lawson: Foxy Baby?
Fox: I’m still here, buddy.
Lawson: Of course you are. Always such a good boy.
Lawson: Fox?
Lawson: I WAS KIDDING! COME BACK!
Lawson: Whatever. It’s fine. I don’t need you guys anyway.
Lawson: I’ll just go…do something.
Lawson: Help! What am I supposed to do?
Hutch: HAVE YOU TRIED SHUTTING THE FUCK UP? FOR THE HUNDREDTH TIME, I AM TRYING TO NAP!
Lawson: Damn, okay. I get the picture. Go nap.
Lawson: Sleep tight, Hutchy.
Hayes: Dude, don’t…
Lawson: Sleep tight, Hayesy.
Hayes: Goddammit
Lawson: Sleep tight, Locke.
Locke: Uh, thanks?
Lawson: Sleep tight, Foxy Baby.
Fox: Thanks, buddy!
Lawson: Sleep tight, Kells. I hope you have the best dreams ever.
Keller: Please never speak to me again.
Lawson: Nice try, but you’re stuck with me.
Keller: I hate this club.
Lawson: HA! You called it a club! No takebacks! Okay, love you, night night.
Keller: I TAKE IT BACK
Lawson: La la la. Can’t hear you. Sleeping. Love you still.
Keller: Hate you still.
Lawson: Doubt it. *kissy face emoji*
Keller: *middle finger emoji*