Chapter 18
SERPENTS SINGLES GROUP CHAT
Lawson: I forgot underwear.
Hayes: Again???
Lawson: Yes, again! Stop judging me, dammit!
Fox: Dude, we are on day six of a twelve-day road trip. How are you just now realizing this?
Keller: I swear, if you ask to borrow some again, I’m officially done with this group chat.
Lawson: I wasn’t going to. Rory very nicely informed me that it isn’t cool to ask your bros to borrow their underwear.
Hayes: WE very nicely told you that, too.
Fox: Actually, you were kind of mean about it.
Keller: Everyone is kind of mean compared to you, good boy.
Fox: Stop calling me that.
Keller: Only when you stop reacting to it like you do.
Lawson: Can someone go to the store with me?
Keller: Are you five? Need someone to hold your hand?
Lawson: Yes! It’s a big city. I could get lost! Do you really want to be the reason the team’s leading goal-scorer goes missing? I’m cute. Someone could kidnap me!
Keller: Twenty bucks says they’d bring you right back.
Lawson: So is that a no, then?
Keller: It’s a HELL no.
Lawson: Anyone else?
Hayes: Yeah, no. Not happening.
Locke: Absolutely not.
Hutch: No.
Fox: I’ll go with you, Lawsy.
Lawson: OH, FOXY BABY! I LOVE YOU!
Lawson: At least someone loves me.
Lawson: Speaking of people who love me… We’re still grabbing dinner with the guys from the Comets, right?
Hayes: Hell yeah, I miss those guys.
Keller: Yes, but only so I can chat with Adrian Rhodes about that fight with that tool from Florida. That Superman punch he landed was a beauty.
Lawson: Your crush on him is so weird.
Hutch: Just please do not sit me next to Grady Miller. He’s more obnoxious than you, Lawsy.
Lawson: Aw, I love Miller!
Hayes: Literally nobody is surprised by that.
Locke: I can’t make it. Got a FaceTime thing.
Lawson: With the family?
Locke: Who else?
Keller: *thumbs-up emoji*
Locke: What the hell does that mean?
Keller: Uh, it means *thumbs-up emoji*
Locke: Whatever.
Hayes: Stop being so weird, Kells.
Keller: No.
Keller: Better yet, make me.
Hayes: *eye roll emoji*
Fox: Can’t we all just get along? *heart hands emoji*
Lawson: I agree. We all need to stop being so mean. If anyone ever sees these texts, they might think we actually hate each other. Especially you, Keller.
Keller: Good. That’s the way I intend it.
Lawson: LIES!
Hayes: You act so damn tough, dude, but if you hated us, you wouldn’t be in this group chat.
Hutch: Kid has a point.
Hayes: Fuck’s sake. I am NOT a kid.
Locke: He’s not. You gotta stop calling him that, Hutchy.
Hayes: What the hell are you piping in for, old man? Don’t need Gramps coming to my rescue.
Locke: Hey, watch it!
Hayes: Or what? Going to take me out with your cane next time you see me?
Locke: Dude. Rude.
Hayes: You’re right. I’m sorry.
Hayes: OR WHAT? GOING TO TAKE ME OUT WITH YOUR CANE NEXT TIME YOU SEE ME?
Hayes: It’s in all caps. I was shouting at you. Because you’re old and can’t hear. Get it?
Lawson: BURN!
Lawson: Nice one, Hayesy! Remind me to give you a high five later.
Hayes: No, thank you.
Lawson: Okay, I take it back. Locke was right. You are rude. Been hanging out with Keller too long.
Keller: I’m not rude. I’m just saying what everyone else is thinking. If anything, I’m brave because I’m the only one who will step up.
Hutch: You’re an asshole, Kells. Just admit it.
Keller: I’m okay with that label.
Fox: I don’t think you’re an asshole.
Keller: You’re only saying that because you’re too nice to say anything else.
Fox: Not true. I’d call you an asshole if I really thought you were one. I think you’re just projecting because you’re sad and lonely.
Lawson: HOLY SHIT! That makes so much sense, Foxy!
Hayes: Damn, it really does.
Hutch: Oh, yeah. I can see that.
Hutch: What? Nothing to say now, Keller?
Keller: Just trying to figure out if I’m willing to let that slide because the good boy said it or if I should punch him next time I see him.
Hayes: Look at you, getting all soft on us.
Hutch: Fuck, I can’t wait to watch you fall in love, too, Kells.
Keller: It’s not happening.
Lawson: Yes, it will. It’s inevitable at this point.
Lawson: Just two to go now.
Keller: Hmm.
Hayes: “Hmm” what?
Keller: Oh, nothing. Nothing at all.
Keller: Locke, you still there?
Keller: Whitlocke?
Keller: Lockey Poo?
Locke: Shut the fuck up, Keller.
Keller: HAHAHAHAHAHA
Hayes: I have no idea what’s going on.
Hutch: Same.
Lawson: Me either, but we can discuss this more later.
Lawson: Now, do you guys think I would look good in briefs?
Hayes: For fuck’s sake, Lawsy.
Keller: Does anyone have any bleach to erase the image I just got of Lawson in tighty-whities?
Hutch: Please stop talking, Lawson.
Fox: Even I have to sit this one out.
Locke: Yeah, too far.
Lawson: What? You guys see me in my panties ALLLLLL the time! Do I have the ass for them or not?
Lawson: Guys?
Lawson: Foxy Baby? Hutchy? Hayesy? Lockey Poo?
Lawson: Kells?
Lawson: Aww, come on! You all muted the group, didn’t you?
Lawson: Hello?
Lawson: HELLO?!
Lawson: Fuck you. I’m getting the briefs anyway.