Chapter 22 #2
I want to smack myself for using that excuse, given my history with it, but it’s the only way to describe the situation we’re in.
We said we were just having fun, and even though my feelings have definitely changed since we first agreed to that, I’m still unbelievably scared of them.
I mean, there’s no way I found someone so perfect so soon after my divorce…
right? That only happens in the movies, not to me.
I couldn’t possibly be that lucky. Not after everything.
“There’s always a reason to not be with someone—and trust me, I thought I had a very good one at one point—but I promise you, Van, there are a million other reasons to be with them, and they always outweigh that one.”
I know he’s right, but fear still sits heavily on my chest.
“He loves you, you know.”
I don’t even try to act surprised by his words.
Why should I? I think Gavin and I have been telling each other we love one another for weeks, not with our words but with our actions and our bodies.
That’s certainly what I tried to tell him in my art room the other day, and I think it’s what he was trying to say, too.
“I’m scared, Reed,” I confess out loud for the first time. “I can’t get my heart broken again. The divorce…the cheating…it broke me. I can’t be broken again. And with the way I feel about Gavin, I’m not sure I’d recover.”
“I’ve known him a long time, and I know he’d never do anything to hurt you.”
“That’s what everyone says.”
“Yeah, but sometimes they mean it.” He leans across the table. “Besides, do you want to go through your life alone because you’re too afraid to love again? If I had done that, I wouldn’t have met Auden, and I wouldn’t have Alana. And that would suck, because my baby is cute as hell.”
I chuckle. “She really is.”
“She is, and she wants her auntie Vanessa to be happy.”
“Using the kid against me isn’t cool, Reed.” I glare at him.
He shrugs unapologetically. “If it gets you to admit you’re in love with him, then I’m fine with it.”
I scoff. “As if that was ever a question. Of course I’m in love with him. I love him more than I could possibly explain. I?—”
“Is that true?”
I pause. I can usually tell when he’s near, but I was so wrapped up in talking to Reed that I missed it.
He’s here.
Gavin is here.
Slowly, I turn, and a grin breaks out over my face like I haven’t seen him in years rather than hours.
“Hi,” I whisper.
“Is that true, Nessa? Do you love me?”
I push from the booth, rising to my feet, and I wish I hadn’t. My knees are shaking so hard they’re nearly knocking together, and my whole body is buzzing in a way it never has before. I tuck a piece of hair behind my ear, then convince myself to look up at him.
Greens and golds and browns meet my stare, taking my breath away. Will it always be like this when I look at him? Will I always get these butterflies? Will he always make my heart feel like it’s doing cartwheels? I already know the answer to those questions, which is why he needs to know too.
“Gavin, I…” I take a deep breath. “I’ve been hurt.
Badly . I gave away my heart and my trust, and it was given back to me in shards.
Because of that, I was mean. I was cold.
I was just a shell of the person I set out to be.
And then you happened.” I smile softly, thinking of the night we met.
“You came into my life on the worst possible day and somehow made it the best. You didn’t judge me.
You didn’t care that I was broken. You listened.
You understood. You were simply there , and that meant more than you could know.
And when I moved out here to run away from my problems, there you were again.
By accident, of course, but it didn’t feel like an accident.
It felt like fate. It felt like this was where I was meant to be, and I think that’s because of you.
No, I know that’s because of you. That day when I walked into Reed’s and saw you, I couldn’t believe it.
It took everything in me not to react and fling myself at you.
You were real. That night wasn’t a dream.
Then reality set in, and I was scared. I was so damn scared because I didn’t want to feel that way.
I didn’t want to feel the butterflies or feel like my heart was ready to beat out of my chest for someone else.
But I did. I do . I always will because it’s you, Gavin.
It has always been you. And I…” I gulp in another breath. “I love you.”
Three long seconds. That’s how long he stares at me without saying anything or moving.
Then he’s doing both at once.
“Thank fuck,” he murmurs, and it’s the last thing I hear before he’s kissing me.
His hands cup my face, tilting my head as I push up to my tiptoes to meet him. I sigh when his tongue slides against mine, and he swallows the sound. I am nothing but air, and he’s the anchor keeping me from floating away.
Yeah, that’s what he is—my anchor, but he’s not there to hold me down. He’s keeping me steady. Keeping me on my feet. Our kiss turns from hard and rushed to soft and sensual. When we eventually part, Gavin rests his head against mine.
“I’m not sure if I was clear or not, but I love you too.”
I giggle. “I kind of figured that, but it sure is nice to hear.”
“Good. I plan on telling you a lot.” He presses another soft kiss to my lips. “I’m sorry, Nessa.”
“What?” I pull my head back. “What do you have to be sorry for?”
“I shouldn’t have hidden you, and I shouldn’t have made you lie to Hutch.”
I dare a peek to my right, but Reed is nowhere to be found. He must have slipped away when Gavin showed up, and I’m okay with that. We’ll talk more later. I feel confident in that now.
“I shouldn’t have insisted this was just something fun and meaningless when it was never that,” Gavin continues. “It always meant something more to me, even that first night.”
I smile, because it meant something to me then, too. “You did tell me I belonged to you.”
“I did, and I don’t think I realized how much I truly meant it until I woke up and you were gone.”
I wince. “I’m sorry about that.”
“Don’t be. A part of me wishes you hadn’t left, of course, but the other part… I’m glad. I think we needed to find each other again, needed to prove our night together wasn’t just some fluke and was as meant to be as it felt.”
“It felt so real even then.”
He nods. “It did, and that’s why it was scary.
But you don’t have to be scared now. I’ve got you, and I have no plans of letting you go.
We’ll take this slow. We’ll go at your pace.
I know you’re still dealing with the repercussions of what your ex did, and that’s okay.
If you need to wait…if you need more time…
I’ll be here. I’m not going anywhere, love.
How could I? Not when I love your laugh and your smile so much.
Or how you try really hard to wait up for me after my games.
How you sleep on the couch because our bed feels too empty without me.
How you order takeout in the perfect combinations. ”
I chuckle, and he grabs my chin, tipping it up toward him.
“But more than that, I love you . I love your passion, your fire, and your drive. How your lips always taste like cherries, and how much you care about others, even though you try to hide it. I just… I love you, Nessa. You could never make me go anywhere. You’re never too much and you’re never not enough either.
You’re perfect just as you are, and it’s what makes me love you so fucking much. ”
I close my eyes against his words. Not because I don’t believe him, but because I do. Every single word. He would never hurt me. He’s proven that time and time again, and it’s time for me to trust that. It’s time for me to let myself be loved, this time for real.
“I’m not going anywhere either,” I promise him.
He grins. “Good.”
Then he’s kissing me again. It’s hard and it’s hot and it’s so inappropriate, especially since we’re standing in the middle of my workplace right now, yet I can’t seem to care.
I’m still scared, maybe even more than I was before, but with the way Gavin is kissing me…
I don’t know. I think everything is going to be all right.
“Fuck,” he says against my lips. “I need to touch you right now.”
“You are touching me.” I pull him closer as if to prove it.
“Not enough,” he grunts, his hands falling to my ass. “Need more.”
“Home?” I ask.
He pulls away, his eyes sparkling with something, and it’s not just lust. It’s something more. Something grander. Something…a lot like love.
“Home.”