Chapter Eighteen
Rupert
If there was an award for the person most likely to metaphorically impersonate an ostrich by sticking their head in the sand to avoid their feelings, I would be this year’s winner by a mile.
Despite the fact I had both talked to Norman and cried on his shoulder while promising to be better, I hadn’t made changes. Nor did I plan to.
I wanted to talk to Milo. Desperately. But my brain had decided it wasn’t an option, and every time I opened my mouth to tell him how I felt, something else came out.
It was horrifically frustrating and I was at my wits’ end with myself, but nothing I did made a difference.
I’d even tried writing it out one night, with Lizzie draped across my shoulders, but when I’d read over it the following morning, I’d immediately torn it up and shoved the scraps of paper in the recycling bin.
It had sounded whiney and needy, embarrassingly so.
The sort of thing that would send most people running for the hills while blocking me on every app they owned.
I knew my ADHD could make me difficult at times. I could be anxious, clingy, sharp, and both under and over explain myself on the same topic. And I was so scared of getting hurt that most of the time I pushed people away before they decided to leave on their own accord.
Although, I wasn’t sure if that was the ADHD or my personality.
It was hard to unpick them sometimes. Often, I didn’t know where one ended and the other began. Perhaps I shouldn’t even be trying to separate them.
But whatever the reason, the fact didn’t change that it was almost December and I still hadn’t said anything to Milo.
“What’re you doing after work on Friday?” Milo asked as he walked into my flat, toeing off his shoes and stacking them neatly next to mine. I’d given him my spare set of keys because it was easier than traipsing up and down the stairs every time he came over. Which was most days.
“Not much, why?” I replied from my seat on the sofa, where Lizzie and I had been casually doomscrolling through my phone. She was curled around my neck, her head lifted enough to see the screen. I almost thought she was watching.
“They’re doing a Christmas lights switch on up at the Castle, and they’re opening up the festive trail through the gardens.
Didn’t know if you fancied going? There’s going to be a little market too, I think.
At least, there should be food. Might just be, like, burgers and chips and mince pies, but if you’re not up for that we could always grab something afterwards,” he said, padding through into the living room and leaning over the side of the sofa to kiss the top of my head, lightly stroking the top of Lizzie’s head.
My brain froze and I stared at him, pushing my glasses up my nose to give my fingers something to do. “Together?”
“Well, yeah. Obviously.”
“On a date?”
“Yeah.” He grinned as he sat down next to me. “We haven’t been on one for a while, and I thought it could be fun.”
He looked so earnest, enthusiasm practically bursting out of him. I wanted to ask if he considered all the times we’d been out to lunch together dates, more for clarity than anything else, because it was obvious he did. Had I missed something? Or was I just being dense?
“That sounds lovely, I’d like that,” I said, laughing as he did a dramatic fist pump and launched himself towards me for a kiss.
“Awesome! It’s gonna be amazing. Do you want to get food there or after?
I guess we could go and see what they’ve got and then make up our minds.
Then we’re leaving our options open. Also, we might see the others there, but they’ve promised not to follow us around like creepy weirdos, unless we want to hang out with them obviously, but I figured it’d be nice to spend more time just the two of us.
I mean, we already do I guess, but I mean like, outside the house. ”
He was chatting a hundred miles a minute, bouncing from topic to topic and then circling back to the start. I didn’t find it hard to follow him, but I kept getting stuck on various things he said. Like wanting to spend time together, just the two of us. And his friends giving us space to do that.
And then there was his unbridled giddiness at the whole thing.
It made me think back to things Norman had said, and suddenly I wondered if we’d accidentally missed a chunk of communication in the middle.
Whether it was deliberate or not, I couldn’t say, but I had the distinct impression Milo and I had skipped the being open and vulnerable part and gone straight into a relationship.
It made sense, I supposed.
After all, neither of us could be rejected if we didn’t ask the questions we were afraid of.
And neither of us had resisted, objected to, or in any way questioned what we were doing. We’d both simply gone along with it.
“Hey,” Milo said, gently putting his hand on my knee and pulling me out of my wandering thoughts. “You okay? I think I lost you for a second there.”
“Are we dating?” I asked, blurting the question out and then clamping my mouth shut to stop myself from saying anything else.
Milo stared at me, his head tilted to the side and face screwed up as he considered my question. “Huh, I guess we are. Hmm, yeah, I’d say so. Why? Don’t you want to?”
“No, I mean, yes, I want to!”
“Cool! Awesome!” He grinned again and leant in for another kiss, his enthusiasm distinctly reminding me of an excited puppy. “Hey, boyfriend.”
“Hi.” It came out sounding very strangled and Milo frowned.
“What’s wrong?”
“Nothing.”
“Yeah, there is. Nobody says hi like that if they’re fine. Is it ’cos I called you my boyfriend? I can use something else if you’d prefer. Partner sounds a bit serious… how about paramour? Is that weird? I like how it sounds, though.”
“No, er, boyfriend is fine,” I said, putting my hands out and cutting him off before he disappeared on another tangent. And as much as I enjoyed his circuitous conversations, now wasn’t the time for one.
“Then what’s the problem?”
“Well, it’s just… is that it? Do we simply say we’re dating now and go with it?
Don’t we need to have a conversation?” I could feel myself starting to spiral, the lack of clarity and expectations making my chest tighten.
As much as I wanted to go with the flow here, how could I when I didn’t know how he felt or what we wanted?
Was this a casual relationship or something serious? How did we tell the difference?
We hadn’t talked about how we’d gotten here either, our summer feud still lingering in the shadows despite the fact Milo seemed to have forgotten it and moved on.
Was it really all water under the bridge or was it going to come back to bite us at a later date, when the feelings that had driven it resurfaced?
I didn’t even know what had caused it, at least on his side, and pretending it had never happened or that it was ancient history wasn’t going to end well.
As much as I wanted to believe we had a clean slate, it wasn’t possible, and if we didn’t put the past to rest, I didn’t see how we could ever have a future.
“Do you want to talk about it?” Milo asked, scooting a little closer as Lizzie lifted her head to look at him. She’d been sitting quietly around my neck but as Milo got closer, she began to slither down to my arm towards him. He smiled and put his hand out to allow her to move over to him.
Her interruption gave me an extra few seconds to put my thoughts in order, and I was very grateful for it.
“Not really, but I think we have to.”
“Why?”
“Because you can’t just say we’re dating and that’s it,” I snapped. “Not with everything that’s happened.”
“Okay, yeah I guess that’s fair,” Milo said softly as Lizzie crawled up the side of his head to her favourite perch. “Do you want to talk about it now?”
“No, but I think if we don’t then we’ll just keep putting it off and never get anywhere.”
“It’s worked so far.”
“Has it? Because I’ve been… well, I’m…” I rubbed my chest, right above my heart, the persistent ache resurfacing again.
“Yeah, I’m the same.”
“And what’s that?”
Milo thought for a moment, reaching up to gently stroke Lizzie as she curled herself on top of his head.
He’d started growing his hair out again, the light brown strands sticking out at odd angles like he’d run gel-covered fingers through it.
I wasn’t sure if it was as comfortable as his shaved scalp, but Lizzie didn’t seem to care.
Hair or not, Milo’s head was her favourite thing to sit on.
“Anxious? I don’t know if that’s the right word or not, but it’s the only one I’ve got right now.
I really fucking like you, Rupert. Like, a lot.
And I thought it was clear, but I’m sorry if it wasn’t,” he said.
“I know we haven’t always been nice to each other—I think we’ve probably both got our own reasons for what happened—but that doesn’t change how I feel about you now.
I don’t want to think about May or what we did over the summer, I want to focus on what’s in front of us. ”
“That makes sense,” I said slowly. I understood where he was coming from, truly I did. But it still felt like I was missing a piece of the puzzle.
“But?”
“I don’t know. I really like you too, Milo.
And I love everything we’ve been doing together.
I’m… I don’t know.” I sighed. Everything was suddenly too big and too messy to explain.
The deep, lingering fear that he’d find me too much or too demanding curled around my heart, sinking its claws into me and clouding my mind.
“You know you can talk to me, right? I won’t judge you.”
“I know.”
“And I won’t think you’re being ridiculous. I mean, you’ve met me, right? Ridiculous is almost my brand, and I don’t think anything you say or do will be worse than what I’ve done myself.”
“Thanks.” I offered him a smile, a new round of feelings bubbling up inside me that had nothing to do with what we’d been talking about. Apparently, my body had decided it still wasn’t ready to deal with this complex onslaught of emotions and was defaulting to distraction mode.
“You know,” I continued, inching closer to him until I was practically sitting in his lap. “If we’re dating now… if you’re my boyfriend, then we should celebrate.”
“Yeah? What did you have in mind?” Milo asked, putting his hand on my leg and stroking his thumb casually over my inner thigh.
“Mmm, I have several options. But what I really want is for you to fuck me.” I moaned at the thought of Milo on his knees behind me, pounding me with his perfect cock until all my thoughts and worries had vanished, leaving only pleasure behind.
“Whatever you want, sweetheart.” He cupped my jaw with his other hand and drew me in for a kiss. “Go and get on the bed and I’ll be through once I’ve put Lizzie away.”
I was still smiling as I sat back, warmth curling through my chest. This was better, easier. I could deal with this.
The emotions could wait for another day. Maybe then I’d be ready for them.
The only problem, a voice whispered as I followed Milo out of the sitting room, was that I didn’t know when that day would be.