Ten
W hat a fucking idiot, right? I sat on her doorstep while I finished dressing, and then I was walking, heading back in the direction of town. It was going to be one hell of a long walk, but at least I knew my way around town well enough. The posh neighbourhood she lived in was less than a mile from the less than savoury part of town I’d been raised in. I could probably call the clubhouse for a ride, but I didn’t want to do that until I was far enough away from here that I could hide the fact that I was a fucking moron.
She already had a man, didn’t she? Someone she’d willingly cheat on, but didn’t want to actually get caught by. Apparently she couldn’t get him to give her what she really needed either, but that was her fucking problem, and not mine. I wanted to call her a bitch for it, but the fact was that she’d pushed me away right from day one, but I was the one who pursued her, wasn’t I?
Even today, I’d taken advantage of her still being by Lissa’s office, and I talked my way into her home, and into her fucking bedroom. Didn’t quite make it to the bed though. I’d wanted to bury my cock so deep in her, it’d leave a fucking imprint she’d never forget, but yeah… shit didn’t go down the way I’d hoped. At least I got to blow my load, right?
Why the fuck didn’t that make me feel any better? She’d been panicked, almost afraid. Jesus. I stopped in my tracks, already two streets away from hers, but wondering if I should go back. She’d seemed afraid. What if her man was a bastard? What if he was some abusive prick who’d hurt her? What if her fear had been about trying to cover my tracks, so she didn’t pay for me being an obsessive shitbag?
Should I go back? Should I call her? I stared at my phone, remembering that there was no way to fucking call her, since I didn’t have her number. Lissa might have it, but that’d mean asking Ice for it, and I wanted to trust him, but trust was a big fucking issue for me right now. I was pretty sure Ice was safe, just like Reacher, Stitch, Ryder, Has, and Micro likely were, but someone wanted me dead. Someone wanted more than just me dead, didn’t they? They wanted to hurt the women we cared about. I’d just fucking put Grace on someone’s radar, or at least I would if I called Ice for her deets. I started walking again, determined to put as much distance between the two of us as possible, because surely to god that was the best way to keep her safe. Wasn’t it?
My phone buzzed in the pocket I’d just returned it to, and I thought for a crazed second it was her, but when I pulled it free and checked the screen, it wasn’t.
Reacher: Brother, I need an update. Are we picking you up?
Hell, it was like the fucker could read minds sometimes, because my legs were killing me from the walking. Being laid up in hospital for a few weeks wasn’t great for fitness and stamina.
I dialled as I kept walking.
“Hey, Pres, yeah, I could do with a lift.”
“Thank fuck. Are you still at the hospital? I can get someone on the road immediately.” Shit. I hadn’t thought of that, had I?
“Uh no. I actually started walking back home, but I’m in uh,” I looked around, and read out the street name to him.
“What the fuck are you doing out there? That’s the opposite end of town to the hospital, Torch.”
Well, isn’t that a complete shitter?
“Yeah, guess I got carried away, or got turned around, but I’m all walked out now. Who are you sending?” What if they sent the wrong person, and they tried to finish me off? I didn’t want to kill the fucker without introducing him to my particular talents. They couldn’t miss out on that agony.
He sighed, speaking to someone in the background.
“Stitch will come out there, so wait on the corner for him, and keep your eyes open. If we know where you are, maybe our enemy does too now.”
“Shoulda gone with arch nemesis. It sounds way cooler, innit.”
“Just stay there and wait. Can you just stay out of trouble for five fucking minutes?”
“As long as he’s driving a van, because I’m not riding bitch. You get that, right? He doesn’t get the pleasure of me holding him close.”
“I’m sure he has even less desire to be riding with your junk pressed against his ass, man.”
Fair. I backtracked to the corner, and sat on the curb to wait. I could see any vehicles coming from either direction here, so as long as nobody snuck up behind me with a fucking knife again, I’d be just fine. Except for the fact that I think I left my fucking heart back at that posh house, with that posh lady who clearly wasn’t mine.
Grace
I was exhausted by the time I fell into my bed last night, and then had an early shift at the hospital, but I was still at Lissa’s clinic by the scheduled time the next day. Her receptionist, who introduced herself as Cammy, waved me straight in, so I was seated across the small table from Lissa within about a minute.
She smiled warmly at me, as I settled in on the sofa, tucking my palms between my thighs nervously. She had to know now that I was interested in Torch, so how would this session play out?
“You seem more reserved and edgy than yesterday, Grace. You can rest assured that anything we discuss in here stays in this room, and I’m not going to pry about anything you don’t want to talk about.”
I rolled my eyes, because she knew that the very thing I didn’t want her to pry about, was also the same thing I was specifically here to talk about.
“Well, obviously you now know the man I was talking about, the man I need to stay away from, is Torch.”
Lissa smiled, waving a hand in the air like it wasn’t a huge deal.
“Not my business, Grace, but I’d like to talk about why you feel you have to avoid him at all. He’s not your patient anymore, right?”
“Is this the part where you tell me what a great guy he is, and how I’d be a fool to stay away from him, instead of jumping his dick?”
Her mouth dropped open for a second, and I shrugged.
“Might as well call it what it is, right? The fact is, I gave in to my impulses, and already did exactly what I was trying to avoid. I took him home with me after his session with you.”
Lissa’s eyes widened and she sat forward on her seat.
“You should know he has an appointment after yours again, so there is a chance you’ll bump into each other out in the waiting room. Is that going to be a problem? I can rearrange his time if that would be easier for you?” Easier than seeing him? Maybe. Easier than getting a chance to at least look at him, even if I can’t have him? No.
“It’s fine. Don’t mess him around just to suit me. For the record, he does seem to be a really decent guy, and I only think I should stay away now, because it’s obvious that my issues are worse at the moment, and that’s maybe because of my interest in him.”
“Can you explain that? What issues are you dealing with right now? Can we talk about those, and see if we can find some resolutions, or coping mechanisms?”
How to unpick a lifetime’s worth of damage? Yeah, unlikely.
“Let’s just say that I have a problem with mess, and disorder, and yesterday with Torch was both messy and disorderly.”
I reached for the water, pouring about a third of a glass, and placing the jug squarely back on its coaster.
“It was amazing, but yeah, after… after what we did, I kind of got caught up in my ‘issues’. He was pissed when he left, but I think he had every reason to be.”
I sipped at the water, and waited to see if Lissa would interject. Finally she sighed, considering her words carefully before she responded.
“In what way? Were you triggered by something you or he did? Was there an issue regarding-”
“He only did what I asked him to do, and that was perfect. Better than perfect, in fact. The issue was,” I sighed heavier than she had, because this was exhausting.
“The issue was that I couldn’t handle the mess after, and I needed to get clean, and clean everything, and I don’t think I made it clear what the problem was.”
“So Torch might think that you had a problem with him, or his actions, rather than-”
“Exactly. I don’t really want to talk about why I’m the way I am, is that okay? Let’s just say I have some difficulties with untidiness, things not being in their place, and not being perfect. I have to maintain that order, so that I feel in control.”
Lissa smiled, tucking her feet under her in her chair.
“It sounds like you’ve already had therapy regarding those issues. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder?”
I shrugged. “Apparently my need to compartmentalise my thoughts extends to my surroundings. It works well, for a doctor, to be tidy, organised, and with excellent hygiene, but it doesn’t play well into my sexual needs.”
“Okay, so why don’t we talk about your sexual needs, and find some methods for coping with the aftermath, so that you don’t feel the need to push your partner away, in those crucial moments?”
I could feel the burn in my cheeks, as I realised she wanted me to talk to her about the thing I hadn’t even been able to put into words with Torch. Luckily for me, he’d read me like a book, but I wasn’t sure Lissa would, despite her intuitive mind. Finally I swallowed hard, and forced words out, because if I didn’t, what was the point in trying any kind of therapy, right?
“I… oh my god… I like to be degraded, uh sexually. I mean, I always thought I would, but I never got to experience it until him. He was exactly what I needed, and I could trust him because for some reason I knew he wouldn’t actually hurt me.” Lissa nodded, waiting for me to continue, but I saw absolutely no shock or judgement on her face at all, and it helped me to keep talking.
“And afterward, he was so caring, so sweet. I could fall for a guy like him, well, him specifically, but there’s no way it’d ever work. Even if he’s right for me, there’s no way I’m right for him. I can’t be.”