Twelve
T he next few days were shit, and that was putting it mildly. I was still struggling to be around the guys in the club, because I was even starting to suspect the ones I’d trusted all along. Paranoia was a dangerous thing, because it seemed to be addictive. I went from trusting a large number of my brothers, to suspecting the silliest damn things.
Was Ryder being sincere, when he asked me how I was feeling? Did Ice mean something by it, when he stopped by to tell me my bike was fixed? Did Reacher have an agenda for sending me to Lissa? Were they trying to find out what I knew? Was someone trying to see if I remembered who did it? Was the person who stabbed me, and left me for dead, just fishing for whether I was about to out them?
Poor Micro got a faceful of abuse, when he called me a pussy, for wussing out of drinking in the bar, and Has even landed firmly on my suspicion list, when he was outside my room, when I stepped out one morning.
I was losing my mind, and I had no idea what to do to fix it. Grace had been the high point of a shitty couple of weeks, but now I was feeling just as sore about her as I was about the club, and everyone I knew. Maybe it was time to just cut my losses, and ditch this town. I’d lived here my entire fucking life, but what had this town ever done for me, right?
“Brother, you look ready to lose your shit,” Micro said, joining me outside the doc’s door, where I’d ended up as I idly mooched around the place.
“I am losing my fucking shit. I need out of here, man. I need to be out somewhere.”
He nodded, eyeing the doc’s door curiously.
“You were going in?”
“What’s it to you?” Why did everyone want to know what the fuck was going on with me? Why was my business suddenly everyone’s?
“Chill, man. I was just checking you’re okay. You wanna grab a beer? I’m bored shitless too, but what can we do? Lockdown is lockdown, and at least you’re getting out to see Lissa daily.”
I flipped him off, heading for the stairs back down to my room.
“Yeah, because therapy is a fucking joyride. You do realise it’s not exactly fun, right? Lissa’s great, but she’s there to listen to us as we talk out all the shit in our heads. I don’t know how she does it, listening to the crap we must all be coming out with. The secrets we must be dumping on her, that she can never talk about. I mean, seriously, it still feels weird opening up and talking about shit, and it’s not like it’s even helping. I think I’m getting worse instead of better.”
Micro snorted. “Like anyone’d notice,” he muttered snidely, pausing on the stairs when I reached my room.
“Come on, man, seriously. Beer. It cures all your problems, definitely better than a fucking talk with a shrink will.”
“So just to be clear, you’re trying to encourage me into alcoholism, instead of the healthier route of talking out my problems with a medical professional?”
He paused, frowning for a moment, then he grinned widely.
“Fuck, yeah. Let’s do that.”
Whatever. The snarky fucker had me laughing at least, so I followed him down to the bar, and managed exactly one beer, before I was too uncomfortable staying there. Making nice with potential murderers just wasn’t as much fun as it used to be. I was almost at the bottom of the stairs, when I heard a voice I never expected to hear in this place, and stopped dead, turning to find her.
“Hello, darlin’, you seem to be lost,” Grease said, stepping way too close to my fucking woman. I was already crossing the room, ready to beat the fuck out of him, when I heard her speak up loud and clear.
“I’m not lost, but I’m looking for Torch, so do you want to back up before I introduce my knee to your nuts?”
Yeah, that’s my fucking girl. I grabbed his shoulder and shoved him aside, slamming my fist into his jaw, as he staggered back.
“What the fuck, man?” I stepped between Grace and that mafia douchebag, our undercover brother that only a few of us knew about, and jabbed a finger at him.
“Even fucking look at her, and I’ll remove your eyes. Got it?”
“Whoa! You’re a fucking psycho, man.” He lifted his hands and backed up, almost tripping over Micro, as he came to my aid.
“You okay?”
“Yeah, all good, man. You wanna keep him away from us, ‘til I get her out of here?”
Micro cast his eyes over Grace, comprehension finally dawning, as he recognised her.
“Hey, doc. Fancy seeing you here. Finally decided to slum it, eh?”
“Have I fucking punched you lately?” I snapped, grabbing Grace’s wrist and starting toward the door, to get her the fuck out of here.
“Wait, what are you-”
“What the fuck are you doing here? Are you out of your damn mind?”
She spluttered a bit, but I finally got her outside, releasing her wrist once we were clear of the door. She rubbed at her skin, finally glaring up at me, that sassy side of hers really appealing to me right now.
“You know, you’re really rubbish at welcoming someone into your home, Torch.”
“Hey, man, oooh who’s the piece?” I shoved Tommy behind me, and dragged her further from the door.
“Do you see what the fuck you’re doing? You’re getting their attention, and that’s not a good thing, trust me.”
She glanced around her, noticing a few stray brothers of mine, eyeing her from working on their bikes, or shooting the shit around the yard. I didn’t like it one fucking bit, but she was clearly completely out of the loop here.
“You don’t get it, do you? For fuck’s sake, woman. You can’t be here, okay?”
Grace
I knew he was mad, but I didn’t expect him to be so unpleasant and unwelcoming, but then, had I let the thought cross my mind, I’d have talked myself out of this for the second day in a row.
“Look, Torch-”
“No, you don’t fucking get it, and how would you, right? You don’t know my world, and you don’t know what the fuck’s going on right now, but understand this. You’re not welcome here, okay? You need to leave, and never fucking return. Go. Get the hell out.”
“Torch!” We both turned around to see Lissa, and her biker man, Ice, behind us, coming out of the clubhouse that I almost saw the inside of.
“Grace! Don’t listen to him, but please come with me. I’m just heading to my office.” Lissa led me away from Torch and he was letting her, and worse than that? He called after us.
“Yeah, stay the fuck out. You don’t want a piece of rough from here, princess . You couldn’t fucking take it, you hear me? Stick to your own fucking kind.”
Oh god. By the time Lissa and Ice had reached the gates with me, I was shaking, and so close to tears, but I didn’t want to shed them in front of any of these bastards. I didn’t want to let the humiliation destroy me in view of them, or especially him.
“I’ll walk you guys in, then I’ll go talk to him,” Ice said, stopping at the door to the therapy office. “You’ll lock up after me, yeah?”
Lissa nodded, sharing a quick kiss with him before she unlocked the door and guided me inside, locking up behind us.
The tears were cascading down my cheeks now, and I couldn’t breathe. I felt like I was choking on the embarrassment, and the humiliation. I felt the overwhelming panic hit me, the need to fix the source of the embarrassment, only once more I was the source of it, and I couldn’t fix me, could I?
“Sit down, here we go. Let me get some water.” Lissa finally sat beside me on the sofa, pressing a cool glass into my hand. “Sip this, Grace. Just take your time.”
My hand trembled as I lifted the glass, taking a few icy cold sips of water. I still couldn’t believe how mean and unfriendly Torch had been, and how much of a fool I felt, for seeking him out when he didn’t come looking for me. Why did I keep coming back for a man who was proving over and over that he was done with me?
“Come on, Grace, it’s just me. What happened? Did Torch or one of the other club members hurt you, or do anything untoward?”
If only Torch had done something untoward. I sighed, shaking my head.
“He was rude, and dismissive. He, well, you heard the things he was saying. I’m an idiot. I kept thinking all I had to do was see him again, and we could get back to what we almost had. Like maybe we could be together again, even just once, but he’s clearly not interested. I guess he’s one of those men who gets his and moves on, right? I’m the idiot for seeking him out, when he’s clearly already moved on.”
Lissa put her hand on my arm, offering a little warmth and comfort in my apparent time of need. Time of feeling like an idiot, more like.
“It’s okay. It’s my fault for being some weirdo clinger when he’s clearly not interested anymore.”
“Grace, I know him a little better than you, so I feel confident in saying this. He’s definitely not pushing you away out of disinterest. He was trying to protect you.”
She looked earnest enough, but maybe I was just incapable of reading people, and that was a fact I’d proven over and over again, wasn’t it? Why did I keep relying on my own judgement when it came to men, when I knew it was fatally flawed?
“Nobody can protect me from myself, Lissa. I’m a terminal case, it seems.”
She shook her head, taking the empty glass from my hand and setting it down on the table. It wasn’t centred on the coaster, so I adjusted it, because it just made sense to do it, right? Lissa watched but didn’t comment.
“Has Torch explained what’s going on at the club right now? What happened to him, as in why it happened?”
I sat back and hugged myself, as I wondered what the hell that even meant.
“No. When he was in the hospital, he mostly just shrugged it off, and hit on me.”
“Yep, that sounds exactly like him. Okay, so I won’t go into too much detail, but right now the club are aware that there’s a member working against them. As in, one of the club members is actively trying to harm others, kill them even. Several of the club members, Torch included, have been injured by this individual, and one of the old ladies has been snatched by him several times. He’s a very dangerous person, but we have no idea who it is.”
Oh my god. What was I doing, consorting with people like that? But wait, it wasn’t Torch, was it, because she just said that’s how he was injured. And maybe he’d been injured twice by this person.
“Are they after Torch in particular? He’s been attacked twice by this person?” Why was he staying there, if he was in so much danger? Suddenly my fear was right back where it belonged in my opinion, on his behalf, rather than aimed at him.
“I think he was just unlucky, but this is why he freaked out at you being there. It’s too late for those of us already connected with club members, but I suspect he’s been trying to keep the club unaware of you, to keep you safe. He pushed you away like that, making a show of it, because he wanted them to think you don’t matter to him, when I think it’s probably exactly the opposite. I know he feels for you, any idiot could see that, but I think he hoped they wouldn’t.”
He feels for me? But what does he feel? Interest? Contempt? Lust? Disgust? I had absolutely no idea, and I really needed to.
“I need to talk to him,” I said, sitting up straight again. “I need a proper talk with him, and I need it now.”
Lissa nodded, picking her phone up from the table.
“I’ll message Ice, and get him to bring him here as soon as he can.”
She sent the message, and waited for a response, and while she did, I sat there wondering what the hell I’d say to the one man who seemed to strike me speechless every time I saw him, at least when he wasn’t my patient. How was I supposed to talk with him, when I lost all words the second I was around him?