Forty-Three
I t was always awkward when you had a secret you had to keep from the one you loved, and I was freaking out about how I’d actually keep it from him. More than that, I really didn’t want to, but I also didn’t want to break a confidence.
Keeping secrets wasn’t the best way to start out a life together, but breaking my promise to Lissa also felt like the wrong move. Hell, if the secret wasn’t hers, I’d probably have been going to her for advice, but I couldn’t do that, of course.
“Babe, you’re not listening to me. Do I have to have my dick in your holes to get your attention, or what?” We were sitting in Torch’s room after his meeting with his brothers, and he’d been telling me something about a biker called Grease, and I’d been worrying instead.
“Rude, but I’m sorry, I was lost in thought. You were saying something about that Greasy guy?”
He burst out laughing. “Greasy guy, yeah, that’s him. Anyway, he’s mafia, and was on loan to us, so he’ll be going, which is a shame, but we don’t necessarily need him here now. Mind you, I think he’s been seduced by the biker life, even with the shit going on.”
“Mafia? Mafia is a real thing? I thought it was just in movies, dammit.”
“All real, well, probably not exactly like it is in movies. Tori’s the Don’s daughter.”
What?! How didn’t I know any of this? Oh right, because we’d barely had a chance for me to get to know anyone.
“Jesus, Grace. Is there something going on? You’ve never been so fucking distracted when you’re with me. What time’s your shift?” Oh god, my shift! I never used to be so out of touch with my routine and schedules. I checked my watch and sighed with relief.
“Three hours. So, what else happened that you can gossip about?”
He laughed, and dragged me into his lap on the small sofa.
“I’ve got better ideas for how to spend those three hours, babe.”
“Oh, you wanted me to meet Doc at last, right? We could do that?”
“Screw that. I wanna bury my dick in you, any hole, I’m easy, just want you.”
I stared down at my hands, suddenly feeling like doing that would be like betraying him all over again, because what I knew could affect him too.
“Grace, you’re starting to freak me out here. I just fucking asked for a vote to make you my old lady, but should I not have done that?” What? I wriggled around on his lap to face him.
“You did?! That’s amazing! Oh shit, this means you want me to have that damn tattoo.”
Torch cupped my face in his hands.
“That’s the first time you’ve looked me in the eye, since I came back up from Church. What’s going on, babe? And don’t tell me it’s nothing, because something’s definitely on that beautiful terrifying mind of yours.”
I wanted to tell him, I wanted to purge myself of this potentially damaging secret, but I had no idea how. What good would it do for him to know? What harm could it do if he found out?
“Grace, Jesus, woman, don’t make me fuck it out of you. Secrets destroy everything. Think about Micro and what he did. If he’d just come clean with one person, some people would still be alive right now. If he’d just fucking spoken to me, and trusted me, I could have helped him. I would have. He was like a fucking brother to me.”
He was saying all the things that made me think I should definitely tell him, but what about breaking Lissa’s confidence?
“I want to tell you something, but I can’t tell you. I’m sorry, it’s not my secret to tell, but it’s really bothering me that I have to keep this from you.” Oh now I’d done it, hadn’t I? Torch’s eyebrows shot up into, well, what would be his hairline if he still had hair.
“Babe? Please tell me this isn’t something fucking huge or damaging. We just got our shit sorted, and the club’s only just starting to rebuild. Micro’s gone, and even though we think he’s probably alive, we know he’ll stay away, at least until he’s healed, so we can move on with our lives. We need to fucking move on.”
I swallowed hard. “It’s about him, but I can’t… I… I’m making such a mess of this. I’m trying so hard to be a good friend, and someone this other person can trust, but the last thing I want to do is be lying to you, or keeping secrets from you. I absolutely agree about the harm they can do, but I feel like I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place here.”
Torch stared silently at me for a long, agonising moment, finally releasing a sharp breath.
“Is it going to directly hurt the two of us?” Would it? I had no idea.
“I’m not sure… I don’t think so.” He rolled his eyes as someone banged on the door, and sighed.
“This place is like a fucking circus. Look, I’ll trust you for now that this is something you have to keep quiet, but the second you’re free to tell me, do it. Even if it’s just to fucking unburden you, so you don’t develop a crease right here from all this frowning.” He dragged a finger lightly across my forehead, and I pushed it away as the person banged on the door again.
Torch
I hated that she was keeping something from me, but right now, all I wanted to do was relax for a while, live without the threat of a knife in my back again, and just fucking be with her. If she was feeling that bad about not being able to tell me, well, let’s just say that was a comfort to me, because it meant she wasn’t likely to lie, or keep other shit from me, again.
I pulled my door open, and Ice stood there, with something clenched in his fist.
“I need a fucking word.” Well, I was pretty sure whatever had him so pissed off wasn’t my fault, but sure. I nodded to Grace, and pull the door closed after me, as I followed him down the hall.
“Your timing sucks, man.”
“Your dick’s still in your pants, so I know I didn’t interrupt that, fucker.”
I followed him up to his tech room, and he led me inside, locking the door after us, and turning to face me.
“Brother, if you’re getting bi-curious, pick a guy who didn’t just choose his old lady. Stag might do you?”
He wasn’t laughing, and that was my second clue that something big was wrong, because what was the first? Oh yeah, him beating a hole in my fucking door. He stared at whatever was in his hand and then thrust it at me. It was a crumpled note.
“Love letters? I didn’t know you cared, man.”
“Can you try being serious for a sec? I found this under Lissa’s pillow, and if she thinks that’s a good hiding place, she’s clearly a little delusional, but then maybe what’s in it has her on edge.”
He gestured at me to read this personal property of his old lady’s, and I had to admit I was curious, so I smoothed it out and started to read. What the fuck. I hadn’t recognised the handwriting, but it was pretty fucking obvious who sent it.
Lissa,
I know we haven’t really had a chance to get to know each other, and that sucks, but I’m apparently dead right now, and it needs to stay that way. The club will kill me if they know I didn’t die, but something made me reach out to you, because I thought I’d lost everyone, but there you are. A sister.
I wish I had time to spend with you, but now’s not the time. Please don’t think of me as a monster. I did what I had to do, to avenge my father, our father. He was all I had. Until I found out about you.
One day I’ll be back. One day when I’m not broken into a million pieces. I want to know my sister. I hope you’ll give me that chance.
Your new brother, M
No wonder Ice was freaking out. Not only was Micro still alive, but he’d already reached out again, and to his fucking old lady.
“You’re taking this to the Pres?”
He sighed, taking it back from me, and shoving it in his pocket.
“How the fuck can I do that, man? That’s like telling tales on my fucking woman, and I know she hid this for a reason, and whether it’s to keep it from me, or just because she needs to process it before she talks about it, I don’t have a clue.” I think he’d just cleared something up for me though, because Grace was holding someone’s secret right now, and what secret would be bigger than this?
“I think she told Grace, so maybe she’s puzzling it out right now, and doesn’t know what action to take. Is it even our business?”
He clenched his fists, casting his eyes around his tech room, like maybe he hoped the answer was there somewhere among lines of code, and fucking ones and zeros.
“Ice?”
A low growl was my initial response, but then his shoulders slumped, and he leaned back against the door.
“I don’t fucking know, man. If he shows at some point, then yeah, but… Jesus, what if she needs a chance to meet up and talk to him? What if I’m going to be stopping her from getting to know her brother, when she fucking needs that? What do I do here, man?”
Well, fuck. Don’t make me be the one giving advice, I mean, what the fuck do I even know?
“Lissa’s the one who gives advice, man.”
“Asshole. Why the fuck did I come to you about this,” he gritted out, turning to cross the room and sit in front of his main screen. I followed him, taking the seat beside him.
“Honestly, I have no idea, man. I feel like first and foremost you probably need to talk to your old lady, tell her you saw it, and give her a chance to let you in on what she’s thinking. She may be wanting to talk to you about it, and not sure how to start that convo. Most of us are gonna go off if anyone mentions his name right now.”
“But not you. I notice you’re calmly absorbing things, and not going nuts like you might normally do.”
“Maybe Grace has been good for me,” I offered with a shrug.
“Yeah, or maybe you’re still struggling with hating him. I know you guys were close. I mean, hell, many of us really liked and trusted him.” Yeah, trust. It took me a fucking long time to trust a person, and then he did that to me. How the fuck could I trust my own instincts, when I was so fucking wrong about him?
“Dunno, man, all I know is that if he comes back here, someone will kill him. He has to realise that, right? He has to know that returning will get him dead.”
Ice started tapping away at his computer.
“Gonna add some more cameras around this place, and Lissa’s office. If that fucker steps in her direction, I’ll rip his fucking lungs out, and ask questions later. He wants to talk to her, he needs to reach out first and beg.”
“Sounds like you’ve made a decision already, man. Won’t the Pres ask why the extra cameras?”
“We all know Micro’s probably alive, and we all know she’s his connection, his blood. It’s perfectly logical to assume she’s the one he might approach. Besides, if he has a problem with it, he can fucking try me.”
Ice clearly found his balls, or maybe Lissa just gave them back, probably on loan, but I knew he was doing the right thing.
“If it comes to this being questioned, I’ve got your back, man. Your woman’s safety comes first.”