Chapter 19 Alexandria
ALEXANDRIA
Iturned around. Aunt Claray gave me a sad smile.
I nodded my agreement, it was too difficult to say how I felt without the emotions of it all spilling forth.
She said, “Tis verra difficult, in all these many battles, sayin’ goodbye has never gotten easier…”
I watched the empty road, thinking about his footsteps as he walked away, they echoed.
Echoes made me feel empty inside. So much loss. I didn’t really understand how I could have so many echoes in my mind — we had joked about our last memory being eating pizza together, but instead it was going to be these terrible echoes, his boots, as they went away.
I took a deep staggering breath.
The last touch of his fingertips on my face, his gaze hard on my skin, like he was memorizing me.
Aunt Claray said, “I think it helps tae be busy…”
I blinked my eyes, staring at that spot and shook my head.
She gently urged, “I was thinking on looking for a family photo for ye, dost ye want tae help me look for it?”
I was acutely aware that there were guards to my left and right, a whole group of strange men whose whole purpose was to keep me safe. It would probably be better if I went inside, I would be safer, definitely.
But I just couldn’t.
I watched that dark place down the road where I had last seen the taillights just before they disappeared.
“No… I think I need to just focus on this for a bit.”
“Ye are goin’ tae stay outside? Tis growin’ cold.”
“I think so, yes, I need to.”
I thought about how Aunt Claray, the sister of my father who I had never met, at least that I could remember, wanted to show me photos of my family.
She wanted to while away the time thinking about the past, my ancestors, people I didn’t remember, but I didn’t have the heart to do it.
My heart was tied to the man who had gone to fight.
I couldn’t dwell in my past, especially because it didn’t feel like mine. All I wanted to do was focus on my present, Torin. That was all I could think about. My future. I prayed he would be in it.
From my periphery I saw Aunt Claray leave to go inside. I stayed, watching, in my pale blue dress, the skyline beyond the Barn in the direction I had seen them go. It was dark out, I was standing in a pool of light, guards alongside me, a respectful distance away.
I couldn’t see anything, not really — it was cold out here.
But I didn’t want to look weak, but I also couldn’t see.
One of the guards raised his finger to the sky above the dark trees.
I asked, “What do you see?”
“The stars are gone, there are storm clouds covering them.”
I thought, oh, then they are gone.
He is gone.
The soldier asked, “Do you need anything, Your Highness?”
“Do you think you could bring me a chair and a… a wrap of some kind?”
“Of course, Your Highness.”
The nice thing was that I got to stand there, watching, while two soldiers found me the most comfortable chair and a military blanket to wrap around my shoulders, so I could sit there, wrapped up, watching the spot by the road.
A little while later Aunt Claray came out with a mug of tea.
“Dost ye mind if I sit here with ye? I will be verra quiet, I just want tae be near ye.”
“I would like the company, actually.”
Aunt Claray had another chair and another blanket brought out, and we sat side by side staring out at the road, sipping on warm tea.
After about a half hour she said, “Ye ken they winna return until the morrow.”
I nodded.
And we both continued to watch.