Chapter 22
CHAPTER 22
C lara
I sighed as I curled my legs up on the couch. I held onto my ankle, the one thing I did without fail to help keep me grounded. I knew it was nonsense to think I would tip over, but I was starting to feel dizzy.
I brushed back my curly hair with my free hand. “I just feel guilty.”
Laura sat next to me on the couch with a bowl of popcorn. She held it out and I held up a hand to indicate I was fine.
She set the bowl down on the couch. “What do you feel guilty about?”
“About hanging out with Levon.”
“And why would that make you feel guilty?”
I shrugged. “I guess I'm just worried about Gabe finding out I still have feelings for Levon.”
“You're a free woman now, Clara. There's no need to feel guilty over having feelings. You said things were completely done with Gabe, right?”
“Yeah, I did say that.”
“And you told him so?”
I rubbed my forehead. “I mean, yeah.”
“So, what's holding you up?”
“I can't shake the feeling that I'm leaving Gabe in the dark. I need to tell him where I'm at so that it isn't a huge surprise.”
“You don't owe him anything.”
“No, but I don't want him to feel how Levon felt when Levon found out about Gabe and me.”
“Well, Gabe isn't Levon.”
I laughed. “That's for sure.”
“So, I'm sure he wouldn't feel much of anything about that. You two broke up before Levon came back into town, so it's not like you were planning it all along.”
“No, I guess you're right about that.”
“I've never seen you so worried about appearances.”
I shrugged. “It's a new thing.”
“Unless it's for business, you know it doesn't serve you, right?”
“I don't know what serves me at this point.”
“Well, it's certainly not Gabe. He made the decision to move to New York without even telling you about his plans. In fact, he sort of dumped them on you and expected you to just accept them.”
“That's right.”
She nodded while popping a few kernels of popcorn into her mouth. After chewing and swallowing, she said, “That means he wasn't considering how you would feel.”
“I mean, Levon did the same.”
“But let's focus on Gabe for the time being. He decided he was going to move to New York whether you agreed or not. That means he was perfectly okay with leaving you in the dust.”
I frowned. “Yeah, I wish he had been more considerate. But since I broke it off, I'm a lot happier without him. I'm feeling better about my decisions.”
“So, what's wrong with adding Levon to your life?”
“I mean, he never really left.”
“Technically, no. But now he's back in a different way. It could change things.”
I nodded. “I guess I feel guilty throwing my relationship with Gabe away so quickly.”
“You made a gut decision. I don't think it was rash or impulsive. I think you've always known what you want in your life and moving is not in your cards.”
“I've always been pretty firm about that. But where does that leave Levon? As much as I like him, I'm afraid of him leaving all the time.”
“I think it would be important to discuss that before you make any decisions.”
I hummed thoughtfully. “That's a solid idea.”
“I understand this is a lot. I would feel overwhelmed myself if things were moving this quickly in my own life.”
“Yeah, it's a lot to deal with, especially with the wedding.”
She nodded. “But that's over. Now, you can focus on the things you need to do for yourself. I'm always going to support what's best for you. And that means doing what makes your heart happy.”
I smiled warmly.
She took my hand suddenly and commanded my attention. When I met her gaze, she whispered, “I know that's Levon. He makes your heart happy. I can tell by the way you talk about him.”
“You should have seen us at the wedding.”
“Was it magical? Did you two dance?”
I smiled wider. “We did. It was sweet. We even danced to the song that was playing during our senior prom. We did our secret handshake in front of everyone. Hell, it's probably no secret that we got together that night.”
“So, no need to tell Gabe, then.”
“Well, I wouldn't want him to feel bad.”
“His feelings aren't your responsibility. What is your responsibility is your feelings and the actions you take as a result.”
I pursed my lips while thinking. When Laura released my hand, my fingers were covered in butter. I wiped them idly on my jeans.
I cleared my throat. “You're right about that. There's some things I should do.”
“Like what?”
“Well, I do have to run some errands.” I stood up from the couch and went to grab my purse. As I walked by the couch, I leaned toward her. “I'll keep you updated, okay?”
“Alright, could you pick up some more milk on the way home? We're running out.”
“Of course.”
She waved as I headed for the door. I climbed into my car with my brain running about a mile a minute. It was getting harder to dig through the clutter of my thoughts. Even though Laura was right about Levon making my heart happy, I hadn't wanted to admit it.
Saturday night had been magical. We had engaged with each other in the same ways as always with some new feelings on top of it. I was still swimming with the sensation he had delivered to me repeatedly when we made love in the guest room.
I shivered as I turned the key in the ignition.
I still had one more thing to do.
I tightened my grip on the wheel as I pulled out of my sister's driveway. As I maneuvered toward the downtown area, I kept my grip on the wheel to keep myself from gnawing on my nails. I had spent years breaking that ridiculous habit and I wasn't about to start again over two grown men who had recently acted like teenagers.
I mean, I was acting like a teenager, too. It was hard to deny. Having Levon over made me feel several years younger and that was just the very beginning of our reunion. I felt hopeful, frightened, and all over nervous as I pulled up in front of my old apartment.
I sighed as I stepped out.
I stared up at the apartment building looming in front of me. It felt like a foreboding sign of what was to come.
Stop being so dramatic , I chastised myself. It's just a discussion. We're not getting back together and I'm going to let him know about Levon. It's just a respectful thing to do .
I wandered up the steps and to the door that used to be mine. As I raised my hand to knock, I heard the lock turn loudly and the doorknob turn. The door creaked open. There stood Gabe with a warm smile.
He gestured to the living room. “Glad you could make it.”
“Yeah, me, too.”
“Do you want something to drink?”
“No, I,” I let out a slow breath. “No, I want to make this quick. I don't want to take up your time.”
“I don't mind you taking up my time.”
I chuckled nervously. “Well, I do.”
“I bet it's weird.”
“What?”
“Being in this apartment.”
I glanced around mournfully, noticing he had repainted the living room and even bought new couches. Everything was rearranged. It even felt energetically different.
I offered him a smile. “I'm glad you've made the places yours.”
“Yeah, I figured that would help me out considering,” he cleared his throat, and shrugged. “Well, anyway, what's going on with you?”
“I didn't want you to feel left in the dark.”
“About what?”
He gestured to the couch and I hesitantly sat down, clutching my purse to my chest. I was small and making myself smaller. I could feel it in the way I held myself.
I did my best to clear my throat. “Well, I wanted to be firm about how you and I are completely over.”
“Yeah?”
“Yeah, I know we spoke in the park recently, but it didn't feel completely done.”
“We shook on it, didn't we?”
I nodded. “We did.”
“Would it help if I told you that I'm moving on just fine?”
I shrugged. “I guess that would help.”
“I think you were right the first time we spoke, Clara. You and I aren't on the same page in life. And there's nothing wrong with that. We're going in different directions, but that doesn't mean we have to be enemies.”
“Did you think we were enemies?”
“Did you?”
I laughed. “No, but I was worried about what you might think.”
“If you're talking about Levon, I'm not upset.”
“I mean, I just didn't want you to feel blind-sided by anything.”
“I don't feel any type of way about it. After the rehearsal dinner, I realized you two still had a thing going on.”
My eyes widened. “It hasn't been like that for years, I swear.”
He laughed. “Clara, don't worry! I didn't think you were hiding anything from me. I know how feelings work. They kind of come out of nowhere sometimes.”
“Yeah, that's sort of how it happened.”
“And he kind of left with you last night. I think everyone assumed you two were warming back up to each other.”
I rubbed the back of my neck while nervously smiling. “Was it that obvious?”
“You two were hooked at the hip the whole night.”
“I'm sorry.”
“For what? As I said, I don't feel any type of way about it. You actually looked pretty happy and, well, that sort of made me happy.”
I smiled weakly. “So, we can be friends?”
“Of course, we can. There's no reason why we can't both move forward without making it super awkward for everyone else.”
“And ourselves.”
He nodded. “There you go. I don't think there's any bad blood between us.”
“Well, that's a relief. I was worried that maybe you would feel like Levon.”
“In what way?”
“Well, you had said he was upset to find out about us. But that was after things had ended.”
He chuckled. “We buried that hatchet. There's no bad blood there either.”
“Are you sure? I don't want you two to be at odds. I would hate for you not to be friends over this.”
“I'm not the kind of guy that's going to let my friends being happy get in the way of my own happiness. I won't hold a grudge. I swear on my mother's grave.”
My eyes widened again. “Gabe, your mother is still alive!”
“And that's how serious I am about it.”
“You're ridiculous.”
“I'm being gravely serious, Clara.”
I shook my head. “I'm surrounded by pun-making fools.”
He cackled and nodded. “That's what friends are supposed to do, right? Make each other laugh when they're feeling weird?”
“I mean, I don't feel that weird about everything.”
“You looked pretty worried.”
I chuckled and let a lock of hair fall over my face as I glanced down at my hands. I was picking my nails. I pressed my palms together and met his gaze. “Okay, I was a little worried.”
“Well, now you don't have to worry anymore. Everything is okay.”
“Everything is okay,” I repeated. “I'm really glad you could be mature about this. I was starting to think we had all returned back to high school.”
“Did you think that before or after the bachelor party?”
I laughed. “I think both.”
He joined my laughter and then sighed, relaxing back into the couch. “So, do you think you'll get back together with Levon?”
“I'm honestly still not sure.”
“Either way, I wish you the best in life, Clara. I've always felt that way.”
I smiled warmly. “Thanks, Gabe.”
“Do you want to hang for a minute? We could watch one of your favorite shows.”
“Is that supposed to appeal to me?”
He shrugged. “Did it work?”
“I mean, yeah. I could use a break from everything.”
“Cool, I'll make some appetizers and you can pick what you want.” He handed me the remote as he rose from the couch. On his way to the kitchen, he paused and turned around. “I'm glad we can be friends, Clara. I mean that.”
I smiled. “Me, too.”