Chapter 27
CHAPTER 27
E lijah. Thursday
With Barbara’s words as my motivation, I bit the bullet Thursday morning. Just the thought was intimidating. But there was an old saying that I came across once. The words rang true, and as I sat up on my bed staring at my phone, they came back to me. They were from Eleanor Roosevelt.
Do one thing every day that scares you.
I thought back and tried to remember the last time I did something that scared me. It had been a long time; I actually couldn’t recall when I was last afraid to do something. The showdown with Kane in the lobby didn’t count. That night I was more angry than scared. I was only scared for Corinne, not for me. For myself, I was furious at Kane intruding into my life once more, storming through the door, crazed from drugs and demanding that I just hand over Corinne for some blitzed banging.
What scared me now was the thought of what Corinne might say if I tried to get in touch again after I told her that if she didn’t feel safe with me and if she doubted me, we shouldn’t be together at all. I had put it all in such stark, absolute terms.
I knew now that I shouldn’t have done that. If I tried to reach out to her now, she could easily remember the hard line I took, and not want to cross it. And, it would serve me right.
There was not a lot that scared me, intimidated me, or made me feel threatened. Financial freedom, by and large, is pretty much the freedom from all kinds of fear. But, what scared me now was one of the very few things that were still capable of scaring me: the possibility that the only part of me that Corinne would now want to have anything to do with was just to have my name on a paycheck every week.
Still, those words hung over me — persistently, to use Barbara’s wise word. I had to do the thing that scared me. So, I picked up the phone and I hit Corinne’s number to send a text.
Do you have a free night this weekend? Could we get together and talk?
My heart quickened, waiting for her reply. Nothing came back.
There could be any number of reasons for Corinne not to answer, I knew. She could be on her way to work at this moment. Or…she could just not want to talk to me.
Since there was nothing to be gained except wear and tear on my nerves by sitting around and waiting, I threw on my jacket and headed for the door. Right when I was reaching for the door handle, my phone sounded an incoming text.
I’m free any time. I don’t know a lot of people here, remember.
Smiling, almost laughing a little, I texted back, Can I come over tomorrow evening? Just to talk?
OK, that works.
Never in all my life had I been so happy to see three little words. Happy, but nervous.
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With perfect timing, as soon as I pulled into my parking space at work, another car that I recognized pulled into the space right beside me. The other driver got out at the same time as I did. She looked very serious.
“Hey, Sis,” I called to Sarah. “What are you doing here? Helping Leo with something today.”
Unsmiling, my sister asked, “Elijah, just what in the heck is going on with you and Dad?”
Mentally, my defenses went up almost as if I were talking to my father and not my sister. “The usual,” I said bluntly, frowning, losing the happy but nervous feeling that thinking about Corinne had given me.
“It’s always about my past with him, and I’m sick and tired of it. I’m not taking it on the chin from him anymore, Sarah, I’m just not. If he can’t accept that I’ve changed and I’m not the way I used to be, then fine, he just can’t be in my life any more. That’s what I told him and I meant it.”
Her attitude softened a little, but just a little. She was understanding, but adamant. “Elijah, I get why you’re so mad at him, but come on. We’re family. We say things that can hurt each other, but we can’t just shut each other out. You can’t just do that. You have to forgive him.”
I almost laughed bitterly right in her face. “ Forgive?! Seriously? You’ve got to be kidding. That man is the most unforgiving-”
“He only expects so much from you because he loves you,” she insisted.
“Oh, yeah? Well, there’s tough love and there’s pain-in-the-ass love, and where he’s concerned, I know which one I’m dealing with.”
“I understand how hard he is to deal with, Elijah, but he has feelings, too. And, he’s still our father.”
Frowning harder, wanting to beat in the roof of my car with my bare hands, I said, “I know what his feelings are, and he doesn’t show any kind ones for me. You’ve always done all the right things your whole life, so you never had to worry about what Mom and Dad thought. Nothing I ever do will ever make it up to Dad for the crap I used to do. Trying to measure up in that man’s eyes, I will never see a payoff. I’m done with it. I’m done with it, and I’m done with him. I can’t take it from him anymore.”
Something that I said must have hit a nerve with her. It was true that Sarah had always done all the right things, including marrying the responsible Leo. She could empathize with me only so much, and without intent, I must have just found her limits. That was why she now looked ready to cry, making me feel worse than I already did.
“I’m sorry,” I told Sarah. “I’m not mad at you. I’m mad that he’s made me feel as if I don’t deserve anything good in my life. Did Leo tell you about one of the new girls at the company, Corinne? I was with her for about five minutes. Then Kane came along, and…I broke it off with her. I gave her the chance to opt out of a relationship with a guy whose past scared her. I didn’t want her to live with that. I told her she could leave if she wanted. And, she did.”
Up until then, we had been talking with my car between us. Now, she ran around the passenger side of my car and over to where I was standing, and threw her arms around me. My sister’s hug was the best feeling I’d had since letting Corinne go.
“You are who you decide to be, Elijah. Dad has nothing to do with that; it’s not his call. If Corinne likes you, why shut her out?”
Pulling out of the hug, I shrugged and said, “Because my past does scare her. And, she doesn’t deserve to be scared. Corinne is too gentle and too good for that. She deserves better.”
Sarah pointed to the building I owned, which housed my business, which stood for all my accomplishments, and said, “Better than this? Better than a guy who’s made this of his life? Somebody makes you feel like crap, but just maybe it isn’t Dad. You had to believe in yourself to get this. And, you have to believe in yourself to know you’re worthy of someone who’s good and gentle. You really are, you know. But, Elijah, you have to know it.”
She had a point. The question was whether I hold on to that thought long enough to talk to Corinne again.