Chapter 11
CHAPTER ELEVEN
X avier had never felt quite so reluctant to let a submissive go before, and that was a first.
While it was true he had searched long and hard—was still searching—for a submissive who would be prepared to be his slave, he knew his own little foibles meant it would take a special woman to put up with his unorthodox brand of control. But he hadn't given up the dream quite yet, although the years had softened him and he wasn’t quite so intractable in his ways as he had been in his youth. He was willing to consider different options. To make those all too important compromises, if he met the right person. And he really thought Grace might be that person. What he felt for her was new and exhilarating. It made him dream of a future with her. He wanted a future with her. Wanted it enough to know he’d be prepared to alter his rigid M/s demands in order to be with her.
Because she was worth it.
He had concerns, of course. He was a doctor, and even though he had a successful private practice, he still felt the need to volunteer for shifts in A&E at the local hospital. He’d always felt driven to give something back. He also spent another huge chunk of his free time concentrating on research. So much so that there wasn't a whole lot of time left to dedicate to any kind of relationship. Certainly, not the kind where a woman would expect his undivided attention.
Medicine was his life, his vocation. He lived to make people better, to ease their pain and improve their individual situations.
Yes, it was rather an odd paradox, having that very concrete philosophy, yet also being a sadist. But he had learned to accept the contradiction years ago, in order to keep himself sane. He was sure there were people who wouldn't understand, which was why he valued his anonymity at the club. He was equally certain, there were all kinds of people who might either judge or want to investigate his psyche, find out what made him tick. He could just imagine the outraged queries.
Did he have a Munchhausen by proxy type impediment, where he felt the need to inflict pain, in order that he could make it better?
Was there a fascination with pain that had drawn him into the medical profession? Was the pursuit of the endurance of pain and how those stimuli could be corrupted by pleasure that drove him? After all, he did love research.
This was one of the reasons he’d chosen this particular direction with his unique desire for a slave. It was something that would work for him and his lifestyle, without giving his eventual partner any false expectations of what he was feasibly able to commit to. This way, there would be no mistaken hopes, no disappointments, no anticipation that things might turn out differently. Everything would be written up and put down in black and white. Both parties would know exactly where they stood, right down to the time they spent together and what would happen during those periods.
There would be the reassurance of absolute certainty. No let downs, no disillusionment, no frustration and discontent when his work kept him away from home more often than a more conventional relationship could withstand.
When he found his ideal partner, she would have the absolute assurance that their time together was hers, and there would be no misleading expectations. It would be perfect.
Moreover, Grace seemed like a modern, independent woman. Perhaps she might be the type of submissive who could feed into his own lifestyle choices. After all, she'd spent the past two decades alone too, as far as he could discern. It was entirely possible that she had similar views to his.
Yes. You didn't live on your own for so long without settling into your own self-absorbed ways. He knew that first hand. But nothing he wanted was set in stone. He could bend, and for Grace, he would be content to negotiate if she had her own desires to incorporate. He was sure she would. She wasn’t the shrinking, wallflower type. She was a mature woman who knew her mind. Xavier was confident she’d tell him what she needed from their relationship, and together they could work on a mutually beneficial relationship.
This really could work out perfectly for both of them, both for now and for the long term.
Xavier smiled. Things were most certainly looking up.