Chapter 13
CHAPTER THIRTEEN
" I wanted to talk to you about our relationship," Xavier started one evening when they'd found a rare chance to go out to dinner. "To share a dream with you I've had for a number of years, and maybe find out about your own."
They were sitting in a quiet corner booth in one of those elegant, high-class restaurants that specialised in a muted ambience of sophistication. Despite the sedateness of their surroundings, Grace's pulse sped up, and she could feel a prickly heat around her face and neck as her breath caught at the anticipation of what he was about to say, pooling inappropriately in her nether regions. The fact that they were talking in terms of a relationship had to be positive, right? That he wanted to discuss the dreams each of them had was everything she wanted to hear. This was what they’d been working towards over the past weeks. This closeness and the inclination to move things to the next step.
Excitement heated her veins at the thought he already wanted to take things a step further than just scening at the club. Their time together there had been scintillating; she couldn't deny that, and neither could she deny she was eager to take it a step further herself.
As desperate as she was to put their relationship on a more permanent basis and make things exclusive, she'd tried to be patient, not wanting to scare him off. After all, they were already there, for all intents and purposes.
Oh, it might not have been agreed in so many words, but Grace knew neither of them had scened with anyone else since she’d taken out a club membership almost two months ago. The only thing missing from the current state of their relationship was the actual acknowledgement of a commitment that had already been made as far as she was concerned. And it looked like that was about to change right here and now.
Grace felt a shiver of anticipation slither down her spine. She was so close to touching her own dreams she could almost feel them taking shape right there in front of her. First, the declaration of commitment, then they could move straight on to settling down.
Xavier seemed endearingly hesitant for such a self-assured Dom. He didn't need to worry, of course. She fully intended to grasp his offer with both hands and never let go. She was already more than half way in love with the man. Granted, she didn't know him quite as well as she might like on a social level, but what she did know about him enthralled and enticed her.
Okay, so maybe it was possible she was looking at the situation through rose coloured glasses, considering the newness of their relationship and the fact they hadn't managed to get together much in more casual settings, but Grace wasn't going to let that deter her.
She wasn't a young, immature chit of a girl who didn't know her own mind, or one who might have her head turned, dreaming of fairy stories. She was a grown woman, with enough knowledge and perception to understand a man's character.
She had sufficient life experience to know relationships required a good deal of give and take to be successful, and she was savvy enough to accept it would need work. She was also perfectly willing to put that work in, and she believed Xavier was too.
No, actually, she didn't believe there were any rose-coloured glasses clouding her vision here. Grace prided herself on the understanding that there was more to a successful relationship than just a few fireworks in the bedroom… although those were certainly a bonus, since she also wasn't stupid enough to think either of them could have a satisfying life with someone who didn't understand or share their unique brand of kink. Not that they'd actually gotten as far as the bedroom yet, of course, since their relationship had evolved almost entirely within the confines of the club because of both their hectic schedules. Nevertheless, Grace still felt they had a good basis to work from.
"I'd love to hear your dreams, Xavier. I have some of my own, so I know how important they can be," she told him, a little breathless in her anticipation.
Xavier smiled indulgently and took her hand in his across the pristine white linen of the tablecloth. "I feel so comfortable with you, Grace. As if I've known you forever, not just a few weeks."
Grace felt a frisson of good old-fashioned lust zing through her at the feel of his thumb drawing circles on the flesh of her palm, a heat that had nothing to do with the warmth of the crackling open fire in the hearth across the room.
God! She couldn't wait to get this thing that had built between them onto a more certain footing. It was quite insane the way she wanted him so much… But she wanted so much more as well, so she forced herself to be patient and hear him out.
The other quietly dining patrons, already hushed and circumspect, faded into insignificance as all of Grace's attention narrowed to a pinpoint that was Xavier Diaz.
"You seem to just fit into my life as if you've always been a part of it, and that gives me the confidence to talk to you about taking things in a different direction… something a little more permanent."
Grace felt as light-headed and giddy as a schoolgirl on her first date. Everything was just so perfect. They were so in tune with each other it was uncanny.
"I know exactly what you mean," she confessed huskily. "Because I feel the same way myself."
Xavier smiled that rare smile of his, and Grace felt like she'd won the lottery. Hope bloomed inside her at the idea of where this could lead. Finally, it seemed all of her dreams were about to come true.
"Tell me about your aspirations, Xavi. I want to know everything that’s important to you." She tightened her hand around his, squeezing it in encouragement and looking him directly in the eye. "Reveal your fantasies, and let's see if we can make both our dreams a reality," she encouraged with an optimistic smile.
The yearning look in his eyes was almost more than Grace could bear. In her head, she had them married and living in suburban heaven with the requisite 2.4 children already.
Xavier cleared his throat. "For a long time now, I've had a hankering for a very specific kind of lifestyle," he began as Grace hung on to his words and his hands with bated breath.
"I've spent a long time—years—searching for somebody I felt might do me the honour of entering into this type of liaison with me, but I've never found anyone who I thought might be able to give me what I really want… until you, that is."
Xavier drew her forward as he leaned closer himself and pressed several kisses to her knuckles. The earnest look in his dreamy, dark eyes had her practically melting and ready to agree to anything.
"I think we have something special together, Grace. Something we could take to another level. I'm hoping you feel the same way."
"I do, Xavier. You must know I do," she whispered breathily, turning her hand inside his, squeezing it tightly. "What you've just described is exactly the way I feel too. I can't imagine not having you in my life, even though you only just moved into it."
Xavier breathed a sigh of relief. "Then maybe what I want to suggest won't be too much of a shock."
"I'm sure it won't, Xavi. I want to move things forward too. With you, everything just seems so right, natural, as if all of the puzzle pieces are already lined up and are just waiting to fall into place."
"I need to warn you from the outset, Grace, that what I want is neither common nor conventional, even within our lifestyle. I need you to think long and hard about what I want you to commit to. If it isn't something you feel comfortable with, then that's not a problem. It's more important you're honest with me. That you tell me if you have any hesitations, any compromises."
"Of course, Xavier, I wouldn't dream of doing anything else. Believe me, I haven't gotten to this stage in my life without knowing my own mind," she reassured.
Xavier nodded, just once, but Grace saw the resolve in his expression, as if he’d settled on a choice and made up his mind. She couldn't help biting at the inside of her lip as she waited for his reply. This was it! What she had been waiting for all of her adult life.
"I want a 24/7 relationship," Xavier told her in a rush, his breath whooshing out so she felt it on her face before he sucked it in again. "But one with a bit of a twist."
24/7, well that was certainly putting things on a permanent basis, but somehow Grace felt as if she was missing something and she creased her forehead as she tried to work it out.
"You see, I want the best of both worlds," Xavi continued. "I want a M/s relationship, but I don't necessarily want us to live in each other's pockets. A conundrum, perhaps, but I've thought about it a lot and I really think it could work. Especially considering the lives each of us lead."
The words didn't quite seem to be adding up in Grace's mind and she was slow to interpret what he meant, her mind still parked wholly and totally inside the picket fence of her own dreams… Wait, had he said M/s? He wanted a Master/slave relationship?
Grace managed to draw blood when her teeth punctured the soft flesh inside her mouth as she jerked her head in surprise, but Xavier was still speaking. She leaned back, putting a little bit of space between them as she tried to clear her thoughts, drawing her hands away from his distracting grasp.
"I've become selfish in my old age. I like my own space, but I still crave the dynamic."
Grace soothed the ragged flesh inside her mouth with her tongue and shook her head. She was still missing something here. Something important.
"I figure you've gotten used to having your own space too, so I really do think, between us, we could make this work remotely. It's all a question of rules."
Xavier was looking at her with the most intent of expressions on his face, expectant and waiting.
Grace closed her eyes momentarily and squeezed her temples between her thumb and forefinger, rubbing unconsciously as she tried to make sense of what he was saying.
It seemed to take forever before she stepped outside the picket fence which ringed her own dreams, where she had blindly been residing. "So…" she began slowly, still trying to string the reality together in her mind, still not entirely sure she was altogether following. "You want a Master/slave relationship, but…" She trailed off, not quite sure she was correct in her assumptions, even as she tried to make sense of them inside her head. "…but you don't want a live-in relationship?"
It was more than a question. It was an expression of confusion, a seeking of clarification, and her brow furrowed deeply as a sliver of disquiet shivered down her spine.
"Well, I mean…" Grace hesitated and tried to pull her thoughts together. "…I guess most relationships start off that way, don't they? People, even those in a lifestyle like ours, take things slowly and date before they build up to something more significant…" She trailed off again, because Xavier was shaking his head vehemently.
"Yes, that would be the norm, I suppose, but it's not the way I want to do things," Xavier reaffirmed. "Ideally I want things to stay the way we start them off, but of course there will always be the opportunity to renegotiate. To… refine it into something that works for both of us. Of course I expect you to have suggestions and preferences of your own, and I’m open to discussing those and incorporating them into our dynamic. "
Grace scrunched up her face in concentration, her mind latched on one particular aspect. What the heck was he— "Wait!" She had a sudden eureka moment when comprehension finally dawned. "You mean you don't want anyone to move in with you…ever?"
This wasn't what she had imagined at all… In fact, it could hardly be further away from what she wanted. Perhaps she had been wearing those rose-coloured glasses after all.
Xavier's smile was almost blinding, making her chest constrict painfully as she witnessed the depth of his enthusiasm for this unconventional plan of his. "Exactly!" he exclaimed, his eyes dancing as if he were thrilled she understood.
Grace opened her mouth to reply, but Xavier forestalled her with a single finger to her lips. Despite her bewilderment, Grace still felt the telltale tingle of desire, where skin touched skin.
"Don't answer yet," he told her, the hint of his accent more pronounced in his enthusiasm. "It's a big decision. Not one that should be made on a whim. Think it through carefully before you agree. Think about whether it’s something you want. That you can commit to. Decide if there are aspects that don’t work for you."
Grace knew her eyes had widened. He thought she was going to agree? No! Right there was the certain proof he sure as heck didn't know her very well at all. None of what he suggested was going to work for her.
She struggled between the visceral knee jerk reaction to tell him so right there and then, and the cool logic, which advised her that, of course, he didn't know her that well yet. They hadn't spent nearly enough time together outside the club, and what he was suggesting might actually be a way that was certain to move things forward. A way of driving them both to a place where they could renegotiate with a better idea of how they might find a compromise for what surely must be two extremes. Right now, they were poles apart, and that was something she’d never seen coming. And while Xavier said he was open to compromise… that he wanted her to tell him her own dreams, Grace didn’t feel this was the time to divulge those just yet, of course, so she could hardly blame him for not understanding how she felt right now.
A wave of pure emotion tormented her, pulling her in opposing directions. How could they ever find a compromise between dreams that were so far apart? How could she tell him that her own dreams were the very antithesis of her own? That they revolved around home and family, whereas his revolved around distance and contracts.
There was no middle ground here. Could there ever be?
Did she want to tell him her dreams, just to have them dashed when he realised just how far apart their wants and needs were?
No. She couldn’t bear that right now. She was still too poleaxed. Still trying to get her head around where they might ever find a compromise.
And she was selfish, too. She didn’t want their time to end. Not yet.
Her lips still tingled at the contact with his finger. Her body ached for him. Surely, she couldn't be blamed for wanting to enjoy one last night with him, before she blew off his fantasy scenario in favour of pursuing her own aspirations.
Was that really bad of her?
It didn't matter. Before she could decide one way or the other, her tongue had slipped out involuntarily and caressed the tip of his finger where it still rested, and his eyes immediately darkened with desire, the expression on his face one of brooding indulgence.
"Come home with me tonight." The words were out of her mouth before Grace knew she was even going to say them.
In response, Xavier raised his hand for the check without ever taking his eyes off her.