Chapter 4
4
HUNTER
I want to see what we’ve both been missing.
Those words haunted me as I walked over to her, holding out my hand. There was no way to kiss her in our previous position. This was the only option.
She wanted to kiss me. Did that mean she was open to more?
Fuck. When had I turned into an insecure teenager? This was the very thing I’d been avoiding.
But what I’d realized in the past hour or so was that I’d been avoiding getting hurt. I’d been avoiding living .
I’d done some things I wasn’t proud of. Things that were required in the line of duty. Lives had been snuffed out because of me.
I’d tried othering my victims, but that was exactly what they were. Victims. They were human beings. There was no such thing as a completely bad guy. Everyone had their own agenda, sure, but everyone deserved to live, even in combat. Especially since everyone was someone’s child, friend, sibling, or parent.
Falling in love, getting married, and having kids—those were all things that I’d taken from people in the course of military duty. I didn’t deserve those same privileges.
But would denying myself that bring any of those people back? No. And right now, lifting Joely to her feet and looking into her eyes, all of it seemed so far away. Unimportant.
This was what life was all about. This feeling that I was looking into the eyes of my future. This feeling that together, we could overcome anything—even my own guilt.
I put my arms around her and pulled her toward me, savoring the feel of the soft cotton of her T-shirt beneath my fingertips. I’d rather be touching bare skin, but knowing bare skin lay beneath the fabric was enough for me for now.
When she moaned against my lips, I wondered if I’d be able to hold back. It was supposed to be just a kiss, but the need to take this to the next level was almost overwhelming. I’d never experienced anything like it. It didn’t even compare to my raging testosterone during adolescence.
Her hands, which had been clasped behind my neck, unclasped and began moving. Her fingers skimmed the bare skin above my collar, and my erection notched up again. It was getting downright painful.
She was worth the pressure building behind my zipper. I’d take any amount of pain if it meant touching her. Being touched by her.
Her touch did things to me I hadn’t expected. Had it just been too long? I could chalk it up to that, but I knew, deep down, it was something much deeper. It was Joely. Substitute any other woman, and it would not be the same. In fact, I’d probably be looking for a way out of this. Meaningless sex just wasn’t worth the headache. Meaningful sex? That was a different matter.
Her hands moved over my shoulders, and that gave me the green light to let my own hands roam. I gently nudged up her T-shirt and flattened my palm against the small of her back.
She arched toward me, rubbing against my growing erection in the process. A low growl escaped at that, and I immediately wanted to take it back. This was supposed to be just a kiss. Letting her know just how much she was revving me up would be a bad idea. It might signal to her that I wanted more.
When she pulled back a little, I worried she was putting an end to this. But she didn’t break the kiss. Instead, her hands moved between us, and much to my surprise, she began unbuttoning my dress shirt. I’d worn that with jeans. It was the closest to dressed up I got—well, aside from tomorrow, when I’d be wearing a shirt, tie, and dress pants I’d bought specifically for the wedding.
When she finally had my shirt unbuttoned, Joely ran her hands up my frontside, taking her time as she slid her fingers over the contours of my muscles. Her touch was doing things to me. I forced myself to focus on something else. Otherwise, I might come in my jeans.
But she wanted to explore. And damn it, if she wanted to touch me anywhere, I wasn’t going to stop her. When her hands went for my jeans, though, I had to say something.
I pulled away and looked down at her. “Are you sure you want to do this?”
I was a fool for stopping her. I’d probably kick myself for the rest of my life if she said she wasn’t sure and walked out of here.
But something about her told me this wasn’t an everyday thing for her. She had a sweetness about her that was rare. Joely was the woman you took home to meet your parents. The type you married. And I never, ever chose that type of woman for a one-night stand. I always wanted to make sure both parties were on board for it being casual.
“I’m sure.” She tilted her head and studied me the way she’d done downstairs. “You aren’t?”
I wasn’t even sure what she had in mind. I had to force myself to clarify. I was still in “don’t fuck this up” mode.
“I don’t have a condom,” I said.
That would make it clear what I had in mind. She’d either run away, horrified, or this would continue.
“I’m on birth control,” she said.
I breathed a sigh of relief—and not for the reasons I normally would at such an announcement. Getting her pregnant wasn’t a concern for me, and that surprised me. I knew I was safe. I hadn’t been with a woman in a couple of years, and I had a feeling she’d been with very few men. But pregnancy would have normally been my number one concern.
Suddenly, the idea of knocking up a woman wasn’t so scary. In fact, it was almost appealing. But only if that woman was the one standing in front of me. The one whose hands were still grasping the fastening of my jeans.
“There’s something you should know, though,” she said.
Uh-oh. This was where I found out she was married. Or that she had an STD. I would be shocked beyond belief if the latter was the case, but the former—a woman that beautiful having a man in her life? That wouldn’t be a surprise.
“I’m a virgin,” she said. “I’ve never gotten past first base.” She frowned. “Or is it second? Or third? I can never remember.”
There was a big difference between the bases, but I probably didn’t want to know how far she’d gone. The fact that she’d never gone all the way—that was the news flash here.
“You don’t have a boyfriend? Husband?”
“No one.” She shook her head. “If I had a husband, I would hope he would’ve come to this wedding with me. But it doesn’t bother you?”
“That you’re single? Not at all.”
She narrowed her eyes at me. “You know what I mean.”
“No, it doesn’t bother me that you’re a virgin.”
A surge of something was running through me, and I was almost embarrassed about it. It was primal—probably straight out of caveman days—the thought that I might be able to have this woman all to myself. That I might be the only man she’d ever sleep with.
Was I thinking forever? Oh, crap. I was.
“So you don’t mind if I do this?” she asked, lowering her gaze to her hands.
“Mind? If you don’t do it soon, I may explode.”