Chapter 6
Matt
I was torn. Broken. Burning to ashes inside.
Every single time I had to get my hands dirty with that white pile of crap, I’d plunge back into darkness.
This time was no exception. I was lost in my own fucking dire past. An automatic swirling twister that pulled me in, taking its damn time before spitting me back out. I had lost a piece of myself when Alessandro died. He was undoubtedly the better and more troubled half of us.
Deep down, I thought it was his spirit who took over me to fight against that poison, who impelled me to blow all of it into smithereens. Also probably him who made me purposely cross paths with it every now and again.
I felt his presence here with us as I spoke about him for the first time with my wife. It was as if they were finally being introduced.
“Alessandro was truly my other half. Like one soul that had been divided into two bodies,” I continued as Francesca’s steady-beating heart sang a soothing strength into my ears, her chest lulling me as I stepped further into my personal hell, bringing my angel with me this time. It was a lighter shade of darkness with her by my side.
“He was so much better than I am. Just so deeply troubled and damaged that the only times I saw him smile were when he was high. I hated that. I hated knowing he was miserable, and I could do nothing to ease him of his burden. I tried. I swear I fucking tried. But in the end, his depression won and swallowed him whole, dragging a part of me along with him,” I confessed, my heart just as heavy as the day I found out. “I didn’t try hard enough.”
The guilt followed me to this very day. I knew him better than any other person on the face of this earth, and at the same time, I was a complete stranger.
“I’m so sorry, Baby,” Francesca whispered under her breath, her small kisses covering every inch of my head.
I closed my eyes for a while just being.
Being here with her.
Being open and vulnerable.
Being my entire self and not holding back.
This was me. A part of my life that definitely defined and traced who and what I am, and most importantly… why.
Alessandro. That’s why.
The last time I took a moment to talk to him was just before I got married. I told him I had met an incredible woman and that I was about to ruin her life out of selfishness and greed. He would have never done that. He would be a much better man to her than I could ever be.
“He was the best part of us. Smarter than me, sweeter than me, and a whole much better person than my fucked up self. I loved him all the more for it.”
“You are a great man, a great person. You are my better half, the best part of me. And none of what happened to him was your fault.” Francesca sternly said, turning my face to her, holding it between her soft hands, before placing a healing kiss on my lips, filling me with the love that overflowed out of her, mending another small piece of my wound, just as she had been doing all these months.
I couldn’t help but think it was Alessandro who guided me to her that night at the paintball course. I was supposed to be somewhere else but ended up going to their shooting range to blow off some steam, as I had done so many other times before.
The only difference was that I had never stayed at the Inn before, never gone for drinks at their bar either. I had also never gone around walking through the woods like I had the strangest urge to do that day. The day she shot me in the ass. A series of strange events that led me straight to her.
“He would have liked you.” I smiled, suddenly feeling as if a light had guided me out of my darkness. “No. That’s inaccurate. He would have loved you.”
She was it. She was the light that pulled me from my hell.
My path to happiness.
My own saving grace.
◆◆◆
Tonight, I held her close to me.
Close to my heart, allowing our bodies to fuse together in a peaceful sleep that felt like home. Having Francesca in my arms brought me a peace I have never known before in my life. She eased all my troubles. All of them magically vanishing as soon as her skin touched mine.
I’ve missed this so much.
How blinded by my hatred had I become not to notice I’d been neglecting this? Neglecting her.
My thirst for revenge had been pushing her away, slowly tearing us apart, and yet Francesca was bravely fighting it alone, in her own corner, not wanting to pull me out of something that was supposed to be important to me.
But as I lay here, my angel glowing in my arms, snuggly resting against my tanned skin, clarity hit me like a ton of bricks, overwhelmingly transparent, flashing my stupidity right in front of my eyes.
I was failing her.
I’d be stupid to allow that to happen. I had to be here for her.
My revenge would come to me eventually. I would find the perfect opportunity without having to sacrifice my life, my happiness, or my wife to achieve it. How I was only understanding this now was both a mystery and a shock. A wake-up call to fucking reality.
She is everything.
My rhythm. My compass.
My north.
My south.
I was smug to think I had it all before. Big-shot mob boss, soon-to-be Don of New York, my head so high up my own fucking ass I couldn't see how little that truly meant.
I have so much to be grateful for. Even though a little fucked up and dysfunctional at times, I have an amazing family, but I couldn't help but feel it wasn't complete after we lost Alessandro. Somehow, now, I feel as fulfilled as I believe I will ever be. I finally felt whole again.
All I ever want from this life is for Francesca to be happy, for her to feel as fulfilled as I was right now, watching this perfect creature sleep in my arms.
Time seemed to stand still in honor and respect for this perfect moment of pure bliss. I, as its guardian, should be doing everything in my power to preserve it until my last breath. And I will.
Morning came, and I had spent the whole night feeding off of Francesca’s beauty and serenity, trying to make peace with my demons and figuring out what I needed to do to make that finally happen.
Living with the weight of the past on my shoulders had been holding me down, my life and happiness suffering the consequences. I needed to make peace with everything that had happened in my life because it was what made me who I am and brought me here to this very moment, where I was finally finding out what it meant to be truly happy.
Tying up loose ends and closure was the path to follow now. At least the ones within my reach.
The bust in that warehouse was both a success and a failure.
We had managed to destroy the coke and some Yaks along with it, but Hiro was nowhere to be found, and those fuckers were hard to bend. Loyal to a fault or scared shitless of the wrath of their leader.
We tried to torture the information out of them, hot-wired pliers normally did the trick just fine. This time around, they either truly didn’t know where he was, or what he would do to them if they ratted out on him was way worse than what we were doing.
They had this twisted yet unyielding sense of family, honor, and respect, and they would rather die than betray it.
I could relate to that. Fuck, I even respected them for it. We weren’t called Men of Honor for no reason, after all.
But we were still as different as water and oil. I’d never dream of inflicting physical or emotional pain on our family and ask them to honor us back. We would never ask any of our Mafiosi to relinquish their connection with their true blood family.
Despite what Hiro’s brother had told us, there was not a single Bratva brigadier in sight.
It was clear as fucking day now that I could search all I wanted, but I wouldn’t find Hiro until he wanted me to.
Fuck, his only male DEA son couldn’t. Why would I be any different? I was convinced not even his men were in on the privilege. My time and my chance would come. I just needed to learn the virtue of patience, which was something I didn’t possess in any quantity.
Life will give you the lemons you need at the time you need them. And right now, all I needed was right here, wrapped in my arms.
“Good morning, Handsome.” I heard that beautiful, soft voice that stroked my soul, being graced with her beautiful smile as she looked up at me between her long lashes.
“Good morning, Beautiful. How did you sleep?” I couldn’t help the sense of almost painful happiness from swamping my chest just by looking at her, knowing that she was truly mine. Pride and honor spreading through my own smile.
“Incredibly well. I missed sleeping with you. Or… on you, to be more accurate.”
“I did, too,” I confessed with another smile, placing a kiss on her forehead. “You won’t have to miss me anymore.”
“What?” Francesca jumped up, looking straight into my eyes, “You’re staying? Really?” She squealed like a little girl on Christmas morning.
“Yes, I’m staying.” I chuckled before she attacked me with kisses everywhere.
“Oh my God, I’m so happy!” She almost sang, kissing my face everywhere before looking at me again, her eyes smiling and shining in true happiness. “Welcome back, Mr. Battaglia.” She said with a grin before kissing me so passionately I could feel her love through her lips. “What time is it?”
“10:30.”
“Oh my God! I am so late. I have a meeting scheduled at eleven at the club. Shit!”
Francesca jumped out of bed and darted straight to the shower, turning on the water, returning only to place another kiss on my lips before running back to the bathroom, making me laugh from her silliness. I stretched out the sleep, or lack of it, in fact, from my body before getting up to follow her, my attention being deviated to Francesca's ringing phone.
“Babe!” I shouted out, “Your phone is ringing.”
“Can you answer it, please? I'm sure it's Max. Tell him I'll be ready in ten.”
I reached for the phone but didn’t catch it in time, as it stopped ringing just before I could answer. The incoming call disappeared from the screen, leaving the message box open on the display, revealing the last text Francesca had sent.
My heart beat once like a bomb in my chest before falling to my feet as I read the words on the screen.
‘I heard you’re coming to New York. Can’t wait to see you again. I miss and love you so much.’
Tommy.
Who the fuck is Tommy?
I shut my eyes tightly, trying to swallow the enormous lump in my throat as I forced myself to shut the stream of dark thoughts that came pouring into my mind.
It couldn't be. This had to be something else. She would never do this to me, not after everything she told me about her ex, not after how she just reacted just because I wasn’t leaving again.
I'm missing something here, for sure.
I calmed down as best I could, convincing myself that there had to be more to this story than what immediately invaded my brain.
She was not cheating on me! She wouldn’t.
I stood there, raging an internal battle between rationality and emotion. My brain and logic told me one thing, and I tried to force my body to react how I wanted it to, but my heart was all over the place.
It felt hurt that she could say those words so easily to someone else. I felt jealous that she could actually feel it, and I felt like finding out who he was and smashing his fucking skull into a damn wall.
I love you.
Those words belonged to me and me alone!
Breathe Matt, breathe!
I remembered the shit that acting on my emotions got me into when I punched Jackson to the ground. There had to be something that I didn’t know. Something that would make this all perfectly acceptable.
I think. Shit!
Lying wasn’t suiting me. That damn text haunted me for the next few days. Although my rational side told me there was no way on earth it could be what it seemed, my heart couldn't help but feel daggered.
I tried to drown it down with work, keeping myself busy without discarding my wife, finally seeing how she glowed and thrived at her job. She was truly happy. This was what made her, her. This is what she wanted since forever and always thought she couldn’t have.
There were no red flags that could make me even imagine she could be seeing someone else.
Nothing at all.
So, every day, I told myself that there was nothing happening. But my need to know who Tommy was grew each time I muffled him further to the back of my mind. An antagonistic feeling that ate at me from within.
Just like the rest of my pending issues, I decided to make peace and let it go for now until I found my perfect chance to understand it better. In other words, until Jimmy could find out who the fuck he was, as I had requested.
Peace.
That was what my heart had settled on that night when I entrusted the deepest, most raw part of me to Francesca. I calmed my heart down once again, waiting for facts before exploding without them.
So, making peace with myself, my past, and my future was what I had to do.
That led me to another rabbit hole I had been dreading. It hovered over me like a ghost. Something I’d been looking forward to for so long, yet now it had a bittersweet taste.
My Don Ceremony.
I was stepping into an empty seat when I had dreamed that it would be passed down, with pride and honor, from my grandfather to me. I knew he would be looking down and guiding me through all of it, just as he helped me navigate through life. I knew he’d be there just as he is here.