Torn (Pride and Prejudice Variation)

Chapter 1

The gowns were spread out on the bed, and Elizabeth looked at Jane and her aunt Gardiner.

“Well? Which one?”

Jane smiled. “They are both splendid. The pink topaz jewels would complement either of them.”

“I believe they were meant to match. Lady Kendal chose them herself, and it was too tiresome to argue with her.”

“When it comes to stubbornness, you are very well matched,” Mrs Gardiner teased Elizabeth.

“I know that, Aunt. I believe that is the reason Lady Kendal enjoys my company.”

“We all know that her ladyship enjoys your company for many other reasons, but I shall not deny you do share some traits. And decidedness is one of them,” Jane agreed. “Lizzy, do you need my assistance any longer?”

“No. I am sure Charles misses you since he has not seen you for half an hour.”

Mrs Jane Bingley blushed and laughed demurely. “As a sister that pretends to love me, you should not tease me so, Lizzy.”

“Forgive me, dearest. I do love you—and your husband, since he makes you so happy,” Elizabeth replied affectionately.

“Thank you both for helping me decide—the gown with pale pink lace on the bottom it is. Let us prepare. We do not want to be late. Lady Kendal insisted we should arrive earlier than the other guests.”

Jane hesitated another moment, taking her sister’s hand and watching her carefully.

“Lizzy dearest, are you sure you wish to do this? You can change your mind at any time.”

“I am sure. I know I can change my mind, but I have no reason to do so. I have weighed up everything very carefully. I have spent hours in discussion with Lady Kendal—there has been nothing but complete honesty between us. Each of us is aware of what to expect and what to offer. Our agreement is fixed beyond a doubt. I am proud that she has complete trust in me. After all, she has scarcely known me six months.”

“I worry you will repent your decision, and that your kindness and generosity will harm your soul. I can feel your heart is not easy, Lizzy. I can see the shadows in your eyes. I can see that your smile has not been bright for quite a while now.”

Elizabeth laughed, trying to hold back her tears while she embraced her sister.

“You spend too much time worrying, my dear. Please keep in mind that I have so much to gain, too. There are more than a few who believe I have somehow deceived Lady Kendal into this arrangement.”

“You will gain some advantages, but none that are truly important to you. You will be able to do much good, to help many in need. Many others will benefit. But will you?”

“I will. I have come to consider Lady Kendal as part of my family.”

“I know that. And I believe she loves you as a mother. But you and I know her motive for the proposal she presented to you.”

“We do. Nobody denies that. She searched for and found the best solution for everyone involved.” Smiling, Elizabeth kissed Jane’s cheeks. “Now both of you go and take care of your duties,” she jested, gently pushing Jane and Mrs Gardiner out.

Once alone, Elizabeth leant back against the door.

Jane had been correct—her heart was not light as the time to fulfil her promise approached.

Surely, she had no reason to repine; she was certain she had made the best choice.

The one that would satisfy so many others, since she had little reason to wish anything for herself.

She was grateful and content with what she had. Her family was safe and healthy. Happily married for almost a year now, Jane was expecting their first child. Jane and Charles Bingley were sharing all the happiness they deserved, a blessed resolution after the most worrying time of their lives.

And to that, she had to thank the same man who had caused the turmoil in the first place. Fitzwilliam Darcy. The last man in the world she could have been prevailed upon to marry. The man who had proposed to her on that horrible day in Hunsford. The man whom she had rejected most severely.

She had seen him only twice since then. The first time had been when he had handed her the letter that addressed her accusations and offences.

After that he had left Kent, but apparently he had convinced Mr Bingley to return to Netherfield, to Jane.

Charles had told them as much. From Darcy’s letter, Elizabeth had learned of Wickham’s true character, and she had convinced her father not to allow Lydia to go to Brighton.

Wickham had left the regiment and found another commission somewhere in the North, only God knows how.

Nobody missed him after reports about his gambling debts and attempts to seduce several shop girls in Meryton had been revealed.

As soon as he returned, Mr Bingley had resumed his courtship of Jane, then the engagement and wedding had followed. Elizabeth had never had the chance to speak to Jane about Darcy’s proposal. It remained her secret and a burden she had carried alone since then.

Elizabeth had hoped she would meet Darcy at Jane and Bingley’s wedding and be able to make amends for some of her accusations, but he did not attend.

He had penned his warmest congratulations to the happy couple but had never returned to Hertfordshire.

The letter had melted even the heart of Mrs Bennet, who understood that he had had some influence over Bingley’s return.

So in Darcy’s absence, and after Wickham and his malicious gossip had vanished, all the recollections of the master of Pemberley were positive.

Everybody praised his education, intelligence, handsomeness, and his ten thousand pounds a year.

The second time Elizabeth had seen him was the previous summer. Though brief, their encounter had only added to Elizabeth’s turmoil.

After their wedding, Mr and Mrs Bingley had been invited to Pemberley, together with the Hursts and Caroline.

At the last moment, the Gardiners and Elizabeth had joined them on their way to the Lakes.

The entire party had stayed in Derbyshire—in Lambton—and Bingley had insisted they all go together to Pemberley.

Any opposition had been useless; Bingley’s insistence could not be deterred.

So Elizabeth had been forced to accept since she had no reasonable grounds to refuse.

Darcy had been at home with his sister and his cousins, Colonel Fitzwilliam, the viscount, and Anne de Bourgh.

His shock at seeing Elizabeth at Pemberley had been apparent; he had not expected her to be there.

However, he had been friendly, polite, and welcoming.

He had even insisted that they all stay at Pemberley.

But the same day, before Elizabeth had had even a moment to talk to him, he had left.

He had claimed to have some urgent business to attend to at another property in Oxfordshire and had not a moment to lose.

He had allowed them to enjoy the beauty of his home, and he had removed himself from her presence.

Elizabeth had no doubt that he had done it to avoid her.

And who could blame him? Any man who had been rejected and accused in such a horrible way would have done the same.

And that had been the last time that Elizabeth had seen him.

After his proposal. After his confession that he loved and admired her and wished to marry her.

But all that was in the past. In the present, he had no desire to even speak to her.

They had stayed at Pemberley for a whole week. She had never been so enchanted by a place, nor had she ever seen one as beautiful.

She had quickly become friends with Georgiana and Anne, the colonel was as charming as ever, and the viscount friendlier than she had expected.

Her relatives had all been treated in the best possible way, but everywhere she could see and sense Darcy’s touch, and his absence had burdened her as she felt the guilt of it.

She had heard only commendations about him. Everybody had spoken highly of him; his character and generosity were universally praised. His tenants considered him the kindest man and the best landlord.

Everybody who knew him admired and appreciated him.

Only she had misjudged him entirely, simply because he had once called her tolerable and refused to dance with her.

It was her vanity that had defeated her reason and common sense.

While walking through Pemberley’s grounds, she had often mused that she could have been the mistress of all that beauty before her.

She could have had the company and the affection of such a praiseworthy man.

Instead, she was alone with her sorrow, her shame, and her guilt.

She did not regret refusing him. His behaviour towards her that day had been outrageous; his arrogance, his disdain, his manner of addressing her—all had been repulsive.

At that time, she had had no tender feelings for him, and she could not possibly accept marriage to any man she despised.

But that was the result of her wrong and hasty judgment.

She grieved her lack of wit, her accusations, her ignorance of his true nature.

She had noticed all his faults but very few of his qualities.

She had been reckless, foolish, and unreasonable.

And now she suffered deeply for not being able to apologise and make amends.

If she could speak to him, to explain, to reach some common, friendly ground for the sake of her sister and his friend, she would be content.

But he did not wish to have anything to do with her.

Furthermore, there were repeated rumours that Darcy had finally decided to marry his cousin, Miss de Bourgh.

Unlike previous years, Anne de Bourgh had left Kent and had been seen in town for several weeks, then at the Matlock estate, and finally at Pemberley.

She appeared to be spending much more time in Darcy’s company, as though they wished to know each other better. Even Bingley believed the same.