Chapter 22 #2
The Bingleys, the Darcys, and the Fitzwilliams were—obviously—all present in London too, and the families encountered each other rather often. Mary and Kitty spent a lot of time with Miss Darcy, while the Gardiners and the Bingleys were regular visitors of Elizabeth and Lady Kendal.
Caroline Bingley had finally married. Her husband Mr Pemberton was the third son of an old and titled family, with more importance and history than actual money.
She was so proud of her connection that her superiority and arrogance reached a new level—which poor Jane and Charles Bingley were obliged to bear rather frequently.
For Elizabeth, that period marked not only one of dark mourning but also a memory that she struggled to bury as deep as possible in her mind: the night she spent with Darcy in Brighton, on the beach, a year ago.
Once her concern for Philip was gone and all the time she had previously spent dedicated to caring for her husband was now unemployed, recollections of Darcy invaded Elizabeth’s mind and heart and she could not banish them.
Darcy was the only man who could comfort her—as a friend—but such a thought was appalling and frightening.
She had not seen him for a long while and had received no sign from him except his letter of condolence.
He remained far away, not intruding on her mourning with his presence, so she dreaded imagining their next meeting.
Her soul was trapped in a cage of sorrow, and she tried to keep her mind and her body occupied with her charities. Attending people in need and sharing their suffering diminished her own to the point that she could admire a sunny day and enjoy a walk in the park.
She also kept the habit of visiting Philip’s grave twice every week, together with Lady Kendal, and those were the only occasions for her to leave the house.
As a mourning widow she could not attend any gatherings, and that was a true relief to her.
Except for her family and very few people close to her, she rejected any other company, even that of Lady Kendal’s friends.
She loathed the notion of listening to strange people lamenting Philip’s death and pitying her. Solitude was still her best friend.
She met Georgiana and Anne—but only in her own house—and also Lady Matlock visited once.
Except for Charles Bingley and her uncle Gardiner, no other men stepped through her door in the first months of mourning.
At the beginning of June, Lady Kendal invited the entire Bennet family to stay with them, and despite the mourning for Philip, to put aside their sadness and sorrow and to rejoice in the national celebration.
Lydia and Wickham were excluded from that invitation, as they were allegedly too busy with their current responsibilities. Kitty and Mary, however, had the time of their lives, adding more reasons to be grateful to Lady Kendal.
On the 1st of July, a great ball was held in the Duke of Wellington’s honour, at Burlington House by White’s Club.
It was reported to have over one thousand five hundred guests, and Lady Kendal naturally received an invitation too.
It was unthinkable for Elizabeth to attend; however, due to her connections and several favours, Lady Kendal managed to take Jane and Bingley, as well as Kitty and Mary to the ball—an event that made an extraordinary and long-lasting impression on them.
Upon their return, they related to Elizabeth and their parents a real fairy tale story, from which she only heard that Darcy had been there too, together with Georgiana and the entire Fitzwilliam family.
The hundredth anniversary of George I of Hanover’s ascension to the British throne was celebrated on the 1st of August, with rowing boats on the canal in St James’s Park, and a stunning display of fireworks.
Ackermann’s Repository described it as “a blazing edifice of golden fire, every part being covered in lamps, and glass reflectors at proper intervals relieving the splendour with their silver lustre.”
Elizabeth watched the event—that lasted more than an hour—from a significant distance away in her carriage, accompanied by her father, while all the others in the family were close by.
At the end of the fireworks, everything was covered in smoke so dense that almost nothing was visible, and people barely found their way through the fog.
But it was universally acknowledged in London that the splendour of the spectacle was worth a sore throat and swollen red eyes, and it was spoken about very often in the weeks that followed.
Mr and Mrs Bennet left London in mid-August. The heat, the crowds, the noise, and the bustle was too much for their nerves so they returned to Longbourn, one of them yearning for the peace and quiet of his library, and the other eager to share with her friends in Meryton the extraordinary experiences she had enjoyed in London.
In September, things settled down slightly, as the exaltation soothed; London was ready for the start of the little Season, and the usual occasions attached to it.
“My dear, there is something that has had me preoccupied for some time,” Lady Kendal said one morning, during breakfast. Elizabeth glanced at her, curious, waiting. They were alone, as Mary and Kitty had spent the last two days with Jane and Bingley.
“The earldom that belonged to Philip, and his title, have returned to the Crown since he has no heirs. But we still have the other five estates. I am particularly thinking of the one in Surrey. It has a good house and an additional cottage. You have not seen it yet. Perhaps we could visit it sometime soon.”
“To what purpose, Grandmamma? Is there a problem with it? I am well acquainted with the situation of each property and all are managed properly.”
“I know that my dear. There is no problem at all. But it is a pity for such a lovely property to not be put to good use. What would you say if we turn it into an orphanage?”
The suggestion surprised Elizabeth; it was unexpected but by no means unpleasant.
“Of course, you may decide as you like. If you wish, you may keep the estate and give it to one of your sisters. Or perhaps you will keep it for your future children.”
Elizabeth blushed, then turned pale. “There are children that need our help right away, not in the future. I find your ladyship’s suggestion to be excellent.
It sounds like a wonderful project. I shall take care of it without delay.
An orphanage with good teachers too, so the children would be provided knowledge and skills to help them make a living. ”
Lady Kendal touched her hand, smiling at her warmly.
“I am glad to see you so excited, my darling. I have missed seeing the sparkle of joy in your eyes, Elizabeth. And whilst I am grateful for your affection towards my grandson and your sorrow for his lost life, I believe it is time for you to live yours.”
“Lady Kendal, I do live my life as I feel is appropriate.”
“I must disagree, my dear. I remember when we first met you, and even though not even two years have passed, I recognise very few of Miss Bennet’s traits in Lady Alveston.”
“They are still there, I assure you,” Elizabeth attempted a poor joke.
“Perhaps hidden under the black mourning clothes. My dear girl, I am grateful to see you mourning Philip so heartily, but it has been almost four months now. I would like to see you smile from time to time.”
“I shall mourn Philip’s loss my entire life, just as you will, Lady Kendal. And I will smile when I feel the desire to do so,” Elizabeth answered.
“You gave Philip so much while he was alive, Elizabeth! He does not need more sacrifice on your part now that he is dead, and he would certainly not wish it.”
“Please understand that it is no sacrifice, only how I feel at this moment. Let us speak more of the orphanage, shall we?”
“As you wish, my dear. By the way, what would you say to hosting a large formal dinner sometime soon? We shall invite only your sisters, your uncle and aunt, the Fitzwilliams, and the Darcys. A handful of people.”
With thrill and nervousness, Elizabeth struggled to reply. She had heard that Darcy had left town again at the end of August, and had hoped to hear news of him, but did not dare ask Georgiana or even Bingley. She missed him, and equally feared and longed for a chance to see him.
Whilst she had no doubts about her feelings for him—which had returned to life stronger and deeper than ever—she could not be certain of his.
The passing of so many months and the deep turmoil he had likely experienced, as she had, could have affected him differently from her—and she feared to discover in what way.
The only barrier that had kept them apart—her promise and loyalty towards Philip—had fallen, but that did not necessarily open the path that could bring them together, nor make it smoother.
How could she see him again, be near him again?
What could she say to him that would not betray Philip’s memory nor offend Darcy’s feelings or her own?
Did he still love her, or would he feel obliged by their night of passion to reconcile with her if she suggested it?
Or perhaps he pitied her like everyone else?
Could she ever feel again the same burning passion as she had that night on the beach?
Could she allow herself to feel such delight again?
Did his ardent love for her still exist?
Such thoughts tormented her, adding to her grief, making her feel ashamed, disloyal, and shallow.
Even though she knew her affection and sorrow for her lost husband to be genuine and strong, more than once she questioned her honesty, wondering whether she was refusing to return to society just to avoid meeting Darcy and confronting the reality of his present feelings for her.
Her memories—both hurtful and happy—as well as the dark mourning clothes, kept her safe from more suffering.
But, fearful or not, she had to accept the risk of fully embracing life.
“If your ladyship wishes to host a dinner party with family and friends, I would not oppose it,” Elizabeth eventually replied to the lady who was observing her long silence with puzzlement and obvious concern.
“Excellent. I suggest we hold it in a fortnight, if that is acceptable to everyone.”
“I believe in a fortnight would be perfect,” Elizabeth concluded, suddenly feeling cold.
Later in the afternoon, Elizabeth was having a cup of tea with Lady Kendal when, without much formality, the door was pushed open and the Bingleys entered, carrying their beautiful and joyous son and accompanied by Kitty and Mary.
Young Andrew was the lively image of his mother’s beauty, and his amiable nature mirrored his father’s.
Behind them were the Gardiners and their children, who hurried to embrace Elizabeth and Lady Kendal. Andrew claimed the same favour, stretching his hands out to them and then babbling happily in his aunt’s arms.
“What a lovely surprise! What are you all doing here?” Elizabeth asked.
“Lady Kendal knew we would come—we would not have dared to simply barge in,” Mrs Gardiner answered, and Lady Kendal nodded in approval.
“We are taking a ride in Hyde Park—it is truly a splendid day. Will you not join us?” Jane pleaded. “We shall meet Georgiana and Anne too.”
“Mr Gardiner and I are going to meet Darcy and the colonel. Darcy returned to town just yesterday,” Bingley added, and Elizabeth’s heart skipped a beat.
“I cannot come, I am meeting one of our solicitors in two hours.”
“We could postpone the meeting, my dear,” Lady Kendal offered.
“I would rather not,” she said. “We should discuss the final details about the orphanage.”
“But you must come to dinner on Saturday—I shall not accept a refusal,” Jane said decidedly. “Charles is celebrating his twenty-fifth birthday. All our relatives and friends will be there and it would not be the same without you!”
Elizabeth shuddered and kept her eyes down, but Lady Kendal was quick to answer.
“We will be there. We cannot disappoint you. We will be there, will we not, my dear?”
Elizabeth hesitated, imagining a large party that included some of the people she had been trying to avoid.
And most of all, she expected the man who had tortured her thoughts for more than two years to certainly be in attendance.
Elizabeth knew she would have to meet him again eventually. She could not stay away forever, and the close relationship between their families would surely bring them together again one day. But was she ready?
“I am not ready yet,” she admitted out loud, blushing at the others’ astonished gazes.
“You should come, dearest,” Jane repeated gently. “You will be among friends who love you dearly. Please!”
“My dear sister,” Bingley interjected, “I would do anything for your comfort if you would only come. We have missed your presence since Philip…”
“Yes, I know… There is no need to plead any more with me,” Elizabeth said. “I am always happy to be with you, please do not doubt that. I cannot possibly miss your birthday, so I shall come.”
“Will you? How wonderful! The colonel and Darcy will be thrilled too I am sure, since they have not seen you in a long time!” Bingley exclaimed, while Elizabeth tried to breathe. Panic had surrounded her like a cage that left her no escape.
The same day, Darcy sent his card to Lady Kendal announcing his presence in town. Elizabeth knew he intended to warn her and allow her to decide whether she wished to see him or not. Her heart pounded, but she did not know whether she desired or dreaded such a moment.