Chapter 8 #2
“I guess what I’m trying to say is I’m sorry. I’m sorry for what I did. For everything. For kissing you without warning or permission, for lying to you about the reason, for landing you into trouble with my brother, for getting you almost killed today, for making you consider killing a man, for—”
A warm hand landed on hers before panic could overwhelm her.
“I understand. You’re sorry. Now, would you like to explain to me why you really kissed me? And please, be honest this time.”
Torsten didn’t sound angry as much as dejected. And because she had made him feel so bad, she decided to bare her soul and her worst insecurities. If it made her feel bad, then so be it. It would only be a fair punishment for what she had made him go through.
“I will do my best.” She screwed her eyes shut, unable to look at him for embarrassment. “But I must warn you, it’s pathetic. I did want to attract Sven’s attention, like Moon told you, which is bad enough, but I fear it’s even worse than that.”
When she’d noticed that the failure of her plans to provoke Sven’s jealousy had not devastated her overmuch, she had come to the conclusion that the problem was a deeper one. Kissing Torsten had been about her, no one else. She had no faith in herself and did not trust her ability to seduce men.
“What do you mean?”
“I wanted to make myself feel better, give others and myself the illusion that I, too, could be with someone, could attract a man. I wanted to be like the others, for once.”
“I see nothing pathetic in that.”
“Are you listening to what I’m saying?” Aife asked, daring to look at Torsten at last. Lying on his side, his head propped in his left hand, he was scrutinizing her intently.
His right arm rested atop the furs covering his chest. The naked skin appeared smooth and flawless, the muscles underneath sculpted to perfection.
Her fingers itched to touch him. Why had she thought that she preferred overly muscular men?
This was more than strength, it was grace.
So beautiful.
“I am listening,” he said earnestly. “And I’m telling you I see nothing pathetic in wanting to be like the others.”
She made a gesture of exasperation. Couldn’t he see? “I kissed you because no one else will kiss me, because deep down I know my cousin is right. No one has ever taken a real interest in me. I’m nine-and-twenty and I’ve never been with a man.”
“So? Me neither.”
A snort of incredulous laughter was wrenched out of her. Really, was that all he had to say? She’d noticed how he seemed to go out of his way to make her laugh of late, but this time it felt out of place.
“Torsten, please be serious.” This was the bane of her life. She didn’t know what to make of the fact that he didn’t seem to take her seriously.
“I am being serious. I’ve never been with a man.” All the mirth disappeared from his face and he clenched his jaw, as if wondering whether to carry on. “Or a woman.”
The world stilled around Aife. Torsten, never been with a woman? Impossible.
“But…”
“But what?” His brown eyes, so unusually compelling, glimmered in the darkness. “Did you think all men rut with every willing woman they can find?”
Like Sven?
“Well…”
In truth, she had rather believed that. But now that she thought of it, she was forced to reassess her first impression.
Her eldest brother, Elwyn, had only ever been with his wife, Bee.
Her other brother, Eirik, though older than her as well, had never been seen with a woman.
That was not to say he was without experience, but he certainly didn’t bed his way around the village.
Torsten’s brother, Steinar, had married at aged twenty and remained faithful to his wife despite her denying him access to her bed.
Thorfinn had not taken any interest in her advances because he’d been in love with Rowena all his life.
Torsten had just admitted to being a virgin.
So, perhaps he was right. Perhaps Sven was the exception rather than the rule. She wasn’t sure how that made her feel.
Well, she would have to examine this later.
For now, she was talking to Torsten and he’d just revealed something surprising.
He was worried about not being like the others, just like her—a virgin, just like her.
But how could he be? Sigrid had mentioned that he’d been with her friend, at least, and surely he looked too good for women not to have tried to seduce him?
“You’ve never been with a woman? Why?”
Something flared in his eyes before he lay back down on the furs. Annoyance? Shame? Anger? “Do I need a reason?”
She hadn’t meant to make him feel bad, but he sounded too dejected for her not to suspect something was not as it should be. “No. But I think you have one,” she said more gently.
For the longest moment he didn’t talk, just stared at the ceiling, arms crossed behind his head. Aife wondered if he was going to give her an answer. Then finally, he spoke.
“You’re right. I haven’t been with a woman because I…can’t. My body will not let me.”
Now this was the last thing she had expected to hear, even more shocking than what he had revealed earlier. “What do you mean?” Surely there was nothing wrong with him? She’d seen only a moment ago how magnificent his body was.
Heart in her throat, Aife waited for Torsten to carry on.
“When I turned seventeen summers, one of the fishermen’s sons, Njal, declared it was time he became a man, in his own words.
To give himself courage, I imagine, he talked someone into going to town with him.
Why he chose me of all people, I have no idea.
We had never really been friends. But perhaps that was the reason he took me, because he didn’t want to look ridiculous in front of a friend. ”
“Perhaps,” Aife agreed. “I remember Njal. A rather unpleasant boy.”
“Mm. That’s the least you could say. But I will admit that when he suggested we find a willing woman, the idea tempted me.
Part of me agreed it was time I knew what transpired between men and women.
Steinar had just gotten married to Astrid and I was only three years younger than him, plenty old enough in my opinion.
” He scoffed as if he had since come to change his mind about that.
“Anyway, the point is that I agreed to go with Njal. He took me to town that very night, to visit a Saxon widow who, he assured me, had agreed to welcome us both in her bed.”
“Had he lied?” Aife whispered when Torsten twisted his mouth in what she interpreted as disgust. Was that what the problem was?
Had he been forced to watch while the fisherman’s son raped an innocent woman, then been made to do it also?
Please, let it not be the case. She could not imagine the horror of it.
“Oh no, he hadn’t lied. The widow was more than eager to be bedded by the two ‘strapping warriors,’ as she called us.
She was also well into her fifth decade and the dirtiest woman I had seen at the time, or have seen since.
Njal started to rut with her as soon as we arrived, clearly too desperate for release to care about what I thought.
As for me, what little desire I’d felt vanished at the sight of the two of them kissing.
I should have run there and then, but I was rooted to the spot.
” Aife waited while he ran a hand over his short beard.
“The whole thing didn’t last long enough for me to make any decision or gather up the courage to leave.
Moments after having tumbled the widow on the pallet, Njal was roaring in pleasure.
He rolled off her, panting, telling me it was my turn.
I had better make it quick because he fully intended to have another go at her. Again, his own words.”
This was not what Aife had dreaded to hear, but horrid nonetheless.
Torsten swallowed, reliving the awful moment when the widow had laughed at his friend’s eagerness and told him she hoped for more stamina on his part.
What had possessed him to confide his moment of shame in Aife?
Would she be disgusted? He wouldn’t blame her if she was.
Everything about that evening had been grim.
From the moment the Saxon had opened her door, he’d known he wouldn’t be able to bed her, or even touch her.
He was not ready to “become a man” if it had to happen with that woman.
Being forced to watch as she’d undressed had been bad.
Watching her kneel at Njal’s feet to put his already erect shaft into her mouth had been worse.
Seeing him tumble her to the pallet and plunge inside her had been the worst of all.
And then, as if all that had not been enough, she’d smiled at him through rotten teeth and gestured at her spread legs in clear invitation. Torsten could see Njal’s seed dripping out of her, coating her hairy thighs. To this day, he had no idea how he had not retched.
“When the widow asked me to join her in bed, I could not. I was petrified. It was all so…”
Horrifying.
Though he didn’t finish the sentence, he saw in Aife’s eyes that she understood.
“I fled the house, not looking back once. The following day Njal came to see me, boasting that he’d spent the whole night rutting away, mocking me for my lack of virility, but I didn’t care.
I’ve never once regretted not bedding the woman.
He left the village shortly after, and I tried to put the whole ordeal behind me.
It was not easy, and it took me years to even attempt anything.
Then one evening I accompanied my father on one of his missions to another of the Norsemen villages.
There, while he met with the men, I started talking to one of his friend’s nieces.
Soon it became obvious that she liked me and might welcome my advances.
It seemed to be the perfect opportunity to see if I had finally overcome my disgust of lovemaking. ”