Chapter 12 #3
He silences me with a kiss, tilting my head to the side and running his hands through my hair.
Picking me up, he steps forward until my back is against the floor-to-ceiling window that overlooks the ocean.
We’re like fish in a tank. Anyone looking up has a view of my ass.
He enters me the next second, and I wouldn’t care if the whole world was watching.
Crying out, I tuck my face into his neck and ride the thrusts as he pumps, hard juts, as deep as my body will allow him.
“You’re mine,” he says, teeth grating along my shoulder. “Always.”
The act of forming coherent words isn’t something I’m capable of when Leif is this wild with lust, or I’d confirm his sentiment.
My skin makes squeaking noises as he fucks me against the clean glass.
His grip is firm on the sides of my thighs as he uses that as leverage.
The noise intensifies as he brings both of us closer to orgasm.
My stomach tightens, and my arms feel limp as the pressure at my core builds to a fever pitch.
We come at the same time, him letting out an exasperated sigh as I sink down on his shaft when his grip loosens a bit with his release.
The high is always intense after we make love, my body craving his touch, his warmth, all of him. “I love you,” I say, tracing the edge of his ear with my lips. “That was amazing. It’s always amazing with you.”
He breathes heavily in favor of replying.
He needs a few moments to collect himself.
Almost as if his brain needs to switch from one mode to another.
He lets me drop to the ground, disconnecting our bodies as he goes.
My back is sweaty and has left an imprint on the glass, a lovely heart shape where my ass was just pounded.
“Malena,” Leif rasps. Different this time than when we first began this tryst.
“Look at me,” I order, placing my hands on each of his shoulders. “You have me.” I reach between my legs and draw my hand back when it’s coated with his seed. I hold it up. “Yours,” I say, wiggling my fingers. “Always yours. Why are you acting like I’m going somewhere?”
Then it hits me. This has nothing to do with me going anywhere. My stomach sinks and my legs shake a bit. A little from my intense orgasm, but mostly from the knowledge that he’s about to tell me something I don’t want to hear. Bad news. It’s something I can sniff out. “Spit it out,” I prompt.
He finally lets his gaze flick up to meet mine. It’s pained. “I’m leaving, Malena,” he whispers. “And I shouldn’t be upset because this is the opportunity I’ve been waiting for. I’m going to get the bastard this time. But that means I have to leave you. Here. For a long time.”
I stutter, try to begin a sentence, but close my mouth and think for a few more beats. “This is your home,” I say, narrowing my eyes. “You said you weren’t moving away from here.”
He shakes his head, placing his hands on my cheeks.
“I’m not moving from here. Think of this like a deployment, Malena.
Back before the war, I’d go overseas for months at a time.
Now I’m heading to a place here in the States…
and I have to be there for a while. I’ll come back.
I’ll always come back to you. Here. To Bronze Bay. ”
I shake my head. “How long?” In my fucked-up fairy tale, I think he’s going to say a few weeks. Maybe a month. I should know better.
“A year.” His voice shakes.
My eyes must look incredulous—scary, because he takes a step away from me.
“It’s a lot of reconnaissance to prepare.
It’s the largest mission the Teams have done yet.
It might be the mission that stops the war for good.
The end of it. No more attacks. No more terrorists lurking next door.
Malena, you have to understand.” Leif steps toward me, reaching a hand out, but I take another step back, the sting too encompassing to let him feel it.
“This is why I chose this career path. Why I’m a SEAL.
This is how I make a difference. How I rationalize my life choices. We can end the war,” he repeats.
How do I tell him that I don’t care about the war? What about my heart? What about the promises he’s made to me? The war isn’t in Bronze Bay, and maybe that makes me out of touch, but I’m not thinking clearly right now. “I understand,” I whisper.
He shakes his head, looking toward the low ceiling. “We can talk every day. Or most days. This isn’t me saying I’ll never see you again. I’ll be back.”
I drop my head and cover my face with one hand. “A year, Leif. Do you know what happens in a year? Everything. You won’t be able to visit me? You’re not going overseas. It’s not like a real deployment. You’ll be a quick flight away.”
“No,” he says, taking my hand from my face and capturing it between both of his hands.
“It’s more important than a real deployment.
Once the ball gets rolling and we involve ourselves, no one in our lives will be safe.
I’ll have to stay away. That said, there are ways we can communicate.
” His face changes, a scowl piercing all the way to my soul.
“You won’t wait for me then.” It’s not a question.
“Of course I’ll wait for you!” I yell. “That’s what makes this so bad!
I’d do anything for you, Leif, and this is breaking my freaking heart.
Sure, we can communicate, but we won’t have this,” I say, motioning between our bodies.
“That’s painful. I’ve had a taste of it, and I’ve fallen so madly in love with everything about you that I’m not sure what is going to be left when and if you finally do come back to Bronze Bay. ”
“I’m coming back,” he states. “I love you, Malena. I. Love. You. There’s nothing that can keep me from coming back.”
I slide my panties back on and sit on the stool. “Except war. That can stop you from coming back home to me.”
I watch his neck work. He’s deciding the best way to lie to me. “I’m coming back,” he says.
“In a body bag?” I fire back. I regret it the second I say it.
He winces and looks down to the floor. “I’ll do everything in my power not to.”
I spin on the stool and look out to the water. It’s a smaller beach, with tree lines on each side of it. When I was small, my father took me here. Another memory tainted by his abandonment. “When?” I whisper.
“I leave in the morning,” Leif says.
I nod, a sardonic gesture. “A year,” I repeat, trying to wrap my brain around that time frame.
It’s not a week-long business trip. It’s an ocean of time that can change so much.
Hearts. Minds. Bodies. Personalities. One can change completely in a year.
My mother’s mind was stolen in half a year, a little going each week.
“I’ll wait,” I tell him, spinning back to face him. “You really think you can end the war?”
“I fucking hope so,” he says, voice brightening now that his bad news is out of the way. “They said this is the last line of terrorists, and we’re going to attack them full on, as quickly as possible.”
I want to say a year is not a quick timeline, but I don’t want to sound like a catty woman. Supportive. That’s what I need to be. He’s done so much for me. In the big scheme of things, don’t I owe him this? “When did you find out about this?” I ask, trying to search the answer from his gaze.
He puts one hand behind his head, his bicep bulging at the slight motion.
I try not to let it affect me, but it does remind me of how much I’m going to miss out on.
“This week the wheels were spinning, but today it was confirmed. I was sort of ignoring my phone today because I wanted to tell you in person.”
“You mean you wanted to have sex with me first,” I counter.
He smirks. “That too.”
“San Diego?” I ask.
“The West Coast.” It’s almost as if he’s just now realizing how far he’s going to be from me. Leif pulls on his shorts and leans against the desk. “I’m fucking scared.”
That gets my attention. “Like you said, it’s what you’ve been waiting for.
Training for. You’re ready for it, Leif.
” I take his hand in mine. “There’s no need to be scared.
” I hope I sound like I know what I’m talking about.
This is me trying to be supportive even if it destroys every shred of my heart.
Because that’s what you do when you love someone.
“You’re going to come back all decorated with fancy pins and ribbons.
Even hotter than you were when you left.
” I’ve only seen photos of Leif in full uniform, and it’s almost a good thing because of how delicious he looks.
Like he fell out of a fundraising calendar.
He raises his eyes from our entwined hands to mine, a smirk on his face.
“I’m not scared about doing my job. I’m good at that.
That’s like breathing for me. I’m worried about…
you. Leaving you. Not having you. Not seeing you.
Not coming home to you. Leaving you isn’t something I’d planned on, and the mere thought of it makes my chest hurt. ”
Now his voracious declarations make sense. I smile. “You’ll still have me,” I say, putting the rest of my clothes on while he watches my every move. “Just via video calls and letters. It’s a foregone conclusion. I’m not going anywhere.”
He leans in and presses his lips against mine. “I’m going to love you forever.”
My heart skips a beat, and my stomach flips. “Absence makes the heart grow fonder. Isn’t that what they say?”
“And punishes the dick.”
Something pings. “You’re not going to see other people while you’re away, right?”
He pulls away, one brow raised. “Are you seriously asking me that? After everything? I don’t want anyone else. I’ve never wanted anyone else. You’re it for me, kid. You’re it.”
Grinning, I reach up and hug him, laying my ear on his chest. I let the thumping of his heart calm mine.
As long as his is beating, mine has a reason to keep going as well.
I didn’t plan on falling for a military man.
The sacrifice on both sides wasn’t something I ever considered.
Sure, he’s off at war doing battle against those that wish ill will against innocents, but what about everyone they leave behind in their wake?
He whispers things to me. Details about the time he’s leaving and what he needs to accomplish by morning.
There’s a laundry list of things I agree to take care of for him.
It’s all business for a couple hours as he lays it all out for me—delivers my worst nightmare like it’s an everyday occurrence.
I don’t miss the excitement in his voice when he talks about the mission and the particular bad guy he’s been after for a long time.
My heart starts hollowing in a Leif-sized space at that moment. Setting him free. Paying the price. Getting what I deserve—what I always knew was coming. He’s leaving me.