Chapter 17 Malena
SEVENTEEN
Malena
I slide Luna’s sleeping body into Celia’s waiting arms. “Your niece,” I say, looking at Celia in her glassy eyes as she runs her hand over Luna’s Leif-colored hair.
“She has his eyes. The exact same shade.” Leif’s sister has aged since I last saw her.
A lot. So much that it pains me to see the severity of the agony she’s endured without my knowledge. Pain I should have been sharing in.
Celia slides her finger gently over her cheek. I see her falling in love.
“She looks just like him,” she remarks, unwrapping the blanket to look at her tiny fingers and toes.
She rewraps her quickly, as the hospital waiting room is freezing.
Celia shakes her head. “I didn’t believe you.
It’s a lot to take in, but there’s no denying this is Leif’s child.
He would be so in love with her.” A pang of regret hits me square in the chest. “I’ve arranged for the nurse to take you up to Leif’s room.
Go by yourself first. I’ll stay here with her.
Okay?” She meets my gaze, like she’s wondering if I’ll take the baby from her.
I nod. “That’s fine. Here’s her diaper bag just in case. She likes it if you hum when she’s fussy,” I say, gazing at my sleeping daughter adoringly. “You’re her aunt, I’m sure you’ll have the touch,” I add.
Celia beams down at the baby. “This means so much. Having a piece of him. Thank you, Malena,” she says earnestly. “Luna lessens the blow of losing him.”
She talks as if he’s already gone, and it’s painful.
I haven’t had enough time to digest the severity.
I glance over my shoulder once more before entering the elevator with the nurse, and Celia has begun swaying back and forth with Luna.
Luna loves that. She’ll be fine, I think to myself as the elevator begins its climb to Leif’s floor.
The nurse preps me when we’re outside Leif’s room. When I enter, I’m hit with a gust of warmer air and the typical antiseptic scent that belongs to hospitals. The man in the bed, hooked up to machines, isn’t my Leif. Celia was right. He is pale and has wasted away to almost nothing.
His lashes flutter as I sit down on the edge of the bed and take his skeletal hand in mine.
The machine that breathes for him is loud and overbearing.
Running my thumb across his knuckles, I say, “Sorry I haven’t been by yet.
” The pit in my stomach forces the tears to fall.
“I didn’t know about the attack. I didn’t know a lot of things, Leif. ”
I squeeze his hand and run my other hand across his pallid forehead.
“They say they’re taking you off life support because you can’t live without it.
I can’t believe that, though.” His hand twitches a bit, but the nurse said that may happen and not to think anything of it.
His muscles spasm on their own. I wipe some of my salty grief from my face.
“Leif, I came here to say hello and goodbye. I came here to tell you the truth. Even if you don’t hear me, you deserve for me to say it out loud before you go. ”
Another squeeze of my hand, and my heart skips. I can see why his family has fought for his life for this long.
“I lied to you when I told you I was in love with another man because it was an easy way to let you go. My love for you is so strong that it can’t even be compared to what I felt for Dylan.
I visited him to tell him…to tell him…that I was pregnant with your baby.
To shove it in his face. I’m sorry you saw the photos and thought something different was going on.
I’m sorry I let you believe something else was going on between us.
I haven’t seen Dylan since that day. I don’t even know if you got the email I sent.
I assumed you did because you never contacted me.
Now I see why,” I say, sobbing. “I’ve only ever been in love with you, Leif. ”
Leif’s monitor beeps, and it startles me into a jump.
“We have a daughter, and she looks just like you,” I tell him, stroking his face with my own tear-stained fingers.
“She has blond hair and blue eyes like you. She has my lips and ears. I think she has your appetite.” I laugh, a small moment of happiness thinking about Luna’s belches after she feeds.
“I wish I got to see you hold her. I wish you could see her. What our love created. It’s the coolest thing in the entire world.
She’s a real, live miracle. I think maybe this is why I was granted this miracle,” I whisper, looking at the equipment keeping him alive.
“She might be a parting gift from the world.”
I swallow hard, leaning down to press my lips against Leif’s forehead.
My touch is as light as a feather. His eyelashes flutter.
I kiss each closed eye. “I’m going to make sure she grows up and knows how awesome her daddy is, Leif.
Don’t worry. I got this. I’m going to do right by her… by you. I’ll make you proud.”
There’s light music playing—the radio, I realize—and it happens to be the song that was on the jukebox at Bobby’s Bar when Leif introduced himself to me. I smile, remembering a sweet memory. The door creaks open, and Celia moves into the room with a crying Luna.
“Sorry to interrupt, but I think she’s hungry,” Celia says, eyes apologetic.
I hold out my hands for Luna, and she drops the crying baby into my arms. She soothes right away when she smells me. “Meet your daddy, Luna Love,” I coo, bouncing her up and down in my arm, one hand still on Leif.
“I feel like he knows I’m here, Celia,” I say.
She shakes her head. “We all feel the same way. You can’t argue with tests, though. It’s maddening.”
“I wasn’t supposed to be able to have a baby,” I whisper.
“We need one more miracle in our corner,” I say as Celia sits in the chair next to me.
“One more,” I plead. I set Luna in the crook of his arm, and the sight makes me weep for all of the memories she’ll never have with him.
Memories I never had with my own father, and ones I did have are marred by his abandonment.
It’s not fair. Life is never fair, I remind myself.
Leaning over, I kiss Leif again, lingering longer this time, and grab Luna when I stand up.
“Let’s go,” I tell Celia. I hand the baby back now that she’s settled and turn to the lumbering man in bed.
Celia closes the door again to give me privacy.
Leaning over, I whisper into his ear. “Love me, Leif. Love me.”
A tear falls on his face, and it almost looks like it belongs to him, and that upsets me even further. “I love you. Forever and always.”
I take his hand again, hoping maybe he’ll squeeze it, or a muscle spasm will give me a false, warm feeling. “Come back to me. Luna needs a daddy. Please, come back.”
He doesn’t, though. We leave the hospital with the knowledge that he didn’t hear anything I said. That in a few days what little existence he has left will be extinguished.
Celia is playing with Luna on the hotel bed, a serious game of peekaboo. I’m wistful as I watch them together, and I realize this is something to be thankful for. Family coming together in the face of tragedy. The only family I have left.
“Have they tried to take him off life support?” I ask Celia, cradling the hand that Leif held.
She nods. “A few times. It’s always been disastrous. These past nine months have been the worst of our lives. I think when Monday rolls around we will be relieved that he will finally be at peace. He’d hate that we haven’t let him go yet, but we’re stubborn like that.”
“Can I be there? When he passes?” I ask, fighting back tears.
Celia looks wistfully from me back to the baby. “It would only be fair. You were there when he first started living.”
Closing my eyes, I turn away. “I can’t believe this happened.”
“He killed him,” Celia says, like it’s a consolation. “The guy he’s been after all these years. The one he said he’d die trying to kill.” Celia laughs. “Never thought that would be funny, but it is now that it’s coming true.”
It’s not funny, but I guess if that’s how she’s processing, who am I to deny her the joke? “I feel like I should have known. Should have felt that something was wrong when he never got in contact with me.”
“Eva took over his personal inbox, but everything SEAL-related stayed secure,” Celia states.
I nod. “You guys have hated me all this time.”
She shrugs. “Nothing was what it seems, so it doesn’t matter. Eva is on her way here. We have a room next door, and Mom and Dad are in the room next to ours. We might as well pull the plug tomorrow morning instead of Monday while we’re all here.”
Her no-nonsense talk about the act is jarring and comforting at the same time.
They’ve come to terms with this already, whereas I’m just starting to understand what will happen.
If anyone has fought for Leif, I know his sisters will have put up the best fight in his honor.
“If that’s what you want,” I agree. “It’s so much all at once for me. ”
She picks up Luna and kisses her belly. “Why the name Luna?” she asks, sliding her gaze to mine.
“Stars,” I say, twisting my ring. “The sky.”
She nods, like she understands. “He told us about the ring. I wanted to make sure. I love her name. It’s perfect.” How much did he tell them?
“Thanks,” I say.
Eva barges in as we have the door propped open for her impending arrival.
“I cannot believe this,” she shouts, but then puts a hand over her mouth when she sees Luna wince at the loud screech. “Malena, how could you keep her from us?” she seethes out through clenched teeth.
“I had to keep her from him,” I say. It’s the only explanation I need. “To give him a life.”
“Meanwhile, in actuality, he’s been fighting for his life.
You should have called us sooner. My god, I’ve missed so much already,” Eva cries, rounding the bed to look at Luna.
With a hand on her mouth, her eyes water, the same reaction Celia had.
“She is his spitting image. Leif looked identical to her as a baby, well, except your features have softened her a bit, made her pretty,” Eva amends. “Let me hold her.”
Celia delicately places Luna in Eva’s arms, and it happens again.
Someone else falls in love with my baby.
With our baby. “She is the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.
Did you bring her to see Leif?” Eva asks, and with one phrase I can tell who has done the fighting over these months. Eva. “I bet he loved it,” she adds.
Celia looks away, uneasy with her sister’s words.
“I did,” I say. The long story was given and accepted by Eva before she came here, but I wasn’t sure how she’d react to actually seeing me after all this time. She’s always been the more…complicated sister. “I set her in his arms. He was clutching my hand,” I tell her.
Eva’s widening gaze flicks to mind. “He grabbed your hand, didn’t he?” She’s desperate for someone to be on her side. It’s easy to sense. “Moved his fingers?”
“A muscle spasm grabbed your hand, not Leif. Don’t do this to Malena, too, Eva.
This is ending now. We’ve done all we can do.
All you’ll do is make this harder on everyone else.
Especially Mama. We’re going to do it tomorrow morning while we’re all together.
Go speak your peace tonight, okay? We just came from the hospital.
Our room is next door.” Celia takes on an authoritarian voice, one she’s had to adapt, I imagine. “Do you understand?”
“I’m about to put the baby to bed,” I say. “We can hang out when you get back.”
“Great idea, Malena,” Celia says.
“She’s so precious,” Eva says, smiling at the baby. “You’re so lucky, Malena. She’s perfect.”
“She is lucky to have you as an aunt,” I reply, trying to bring the mood up. Eva recoils, and I’m reminded of her infertility. “Thank you,” I say instead. “She really is beautiful.” I don’t feel guilty because she does look so much like Leif.
Shaking her head, she hands Luna back to Celia, who is reaching for her. “I can’t believe I’m going to say goodbye to my brother.”
“Not your brother,” Celia reminds her. “His body. His mind has been gone for nine months.” I think she’s trying to make her feel better, making saying goodbye easier, but it’s making it worse. It’s calling her a liar.
Eva starts crying and bids us a goodbye.
“I’m sorry you had to hear that. It’s hard for Eva. I have to be the voice of reason,” Celia says, hanging her head guiltily. “I was right there, thinking the best for the first few months. It’s been nine. There’s no hope, you see? It’s futile, and she needs to grasp that.”
I nod and take the baby from her to nurse her to sleep. She drifts easily, lashes fanning across her cheek, looking just like her daddy. “I just wish he got to see her,” I say aloud.
“Regardless of what he said about wanting kids, that man wanted to be a father. I know it. He would have loved this life with you, Malena. Don’t think any different, okay? Let him go, knowing he was a good man.”
“I know he is a good man. That’s the hardest part,” I reply, setting Luna into the pack and play in the corner. She coos and turns her head to the side, drifting into deep sleep. Watching her, I pray for another miracle, for things to be different.
His mom and dad stop by the room to say hello and see the baby. I think she is the only shining spot in their otherwise bleak lives. A gift Leif gave me that I can share with them. We hug and cry and talk softly.
Celia’s phone rings a little past midnight. It’s Eva.
She’s hysterical, a complete and utter disaster. No one can make out what she’s repeating over and over.
“I’ll watch over the baby, Malena. Please go and talk to her,” Celia says, ending the call. “I’ve said it all before, maybe you can say something I haven’t. This is over. It’s over.” Placing her face in her hands, she shakes her head.
I’m exhausted, but Celia is right, and I owe Eva this much. I owe them all.
When I get into my rental car, I dial Eva back to tell her I’m coming. She’s still crying—a hysterical squeal—but I hear a hint of laughter as she says, “He’s breathing. On his own, he’s breathing!” I don’t even respond.
Tossing the phone into the passenger seat, I race the mile to the hospital, forgetting how I even got there in the first place.
He’s breathing.