Chapter One Humps #3
So are the rest of the kids, who know a big pile of lovely E numbers when they see it coming towards them – carried by a somewhat overweight Jeff Goldblum.
I’m very appreciative of the look of mock horror on Maurice’s face as he arrives at our lanes with the cake – although this is quite possibly a look of absolutely genuine horror at the fact he’s had to dress up like this in front of several dozen bowling alley customers this afternoon.
He may never live it down. But, you know, as The Goldblum once said, life finds a way .
. . so it might work out alright for him, after all.
The cake goes down onto a trestle table set up in front of the party’s lanes, and the birthday boy is called over to blow out the eight candles on top of it. Which he does with great gusto, and enough spittle to guarantee that I won’t be partaking in any of the cake myself.
We all sing ‘Happy Birthday’ – which is made slightly awkward by the fact the Jurassic Park theme is still playing loudly over the speaker system.
The two competing tunes do not sound good together.
I should have thought of that beforehand, damn it.
Both that and the dinochickens are things that will put a crimp in my day, no matter how well everything else goes.
But other than that extra cock-up, the ceremony goes without a hitch, and very soon all children have been sent off to spread cake crumbs all over the bowling alley.
‘Well done,’ I say gratefully to Maurice, and pat him on the back.
‘Thanks, Charlie,’ he replies, trying his best to smile.
Jack has no problem doing that. ‘Don’t feel too bad, mate,’ he says to Maurice.
‘This bastard once convinced me to climb Ben Nevis in a mankini. He said it was for charity, but I’ve never been entirely convinced by that excuse.
I’m pretty sure it was just to embarrass me for the rest of my natural life. ’
‘Did it work?’ I ask.
Jack thinks for a moment, before taking a bite of the piece of cake he’s holding. ‘Not really.’
‘Would you do it again?’ Maurice asks him, now smiling a bit more genuinely. Jack has that effect on people.
Jack’s face clouds for a moment. ‘No. But not because of this idiot. My mountain climbing days are over.’
‘Too old?’ Maurice asks.
‘Something like that,’ Jack says in a noncommittal tone.
I know what he’s talking about – but I very much doubt Maurice needs to.
‘Anyway, thanks for making Teddy’s party so damned good,’ I say to him, to get things back to a positive place again.
‘My pleasure.’ Maurice tugs at a tight jacket sleeve. ‘Now, if you don’t mind, I’m going to go away and take this costume off.’
‘Go right ahead,’ I tell him, and chuckle as I watch him and the other cast members of Spielberg’s dinosaur spectacular walk off across the bowling alley floor at a hurried pace.
Jack regards me with a look. ‘You’re a monster, King. That poor man.’
I wave a hand. ‘Aah . . . he loved it. The same way you did in that mankini.’
His eyes narrow. ‘An absolute monster,’ he says, and pops the last of the birthday cake into his mouth.
‘Would you like this monster to smash you to pieces at bowling?’ I reply, knowing full well that I will not smash him to pieces at all, but equally knowing that it’ll make Jack happy to prove that.
‘You’re on,’ he says, pointing a finger at me. ‘Leo!’ he calls over to our friend – who is still stood slightly apart from everyone else, with a disconcerted look on his face. ‘Can you come and be referee for a game with me and him? I don’t trust him as far as I can throw him!’
‘Hey!’ I protest. But not all that much, if I’m honest. I did once cheat at a game of Mario Kart when we were kids, and Jack’s never forgiven me for it.
As the three of us head over to an empty lane, I can feel myself relaxing a little.
The hard stuff is all over with now, thank God.
Teddy’s birthday has gone without a hitch so far, and he’s had a great time.
I can take my foot off the accelerator a little, and have a halfway decent time myself.
I’ll still keep an eye on everyone to make sure they’re still having fun in the last hour or so that we are here, but my job is more or less done for the day.
The tension that suffuses my entire body in the run-up to any event I’m organising has started to unwind.
Even my neck is aching a lot less than it was.
I won’t need to take any more painkillers today.
The Jurassic Park theme gives way to the more typical pop music that Maurice plays over the speaker system, which is something of a relief as well.
John Williams is an extremely good composer, but his music does tend to either make you feel either anxious or rambunctious.
Neither of which are emotions I particularly wish to feel right now.
I’m frankly happier with a bit of Taylor Swift and Beyoncé.
Jack absolutely destroys me in our impromptu bowling match, which I am not surprised about in the slightest. To be honest I kind of let him win, as I’d much rather put a smile on his face than work myself into a lather trying to beat him.
Besides, Annie comes over to commiserate with me with a rather lovely kiss, so who’s to say I don’t win anyway?
‘There’s no point in you taking your last go,’ Jack informs me, with his chest puffed out. ‘I have vanquished you upon this day, sir. My point score far outweighs your own tally!’
Quite why he feels the need to become a lordling from the sixteenth century when he’s winning is quite beyond me. Some sort of past-life regression, possibly.
‘Actually, if he bowls three strikes, he still can,’ Leo points out, earning him a dark look from Lord Jack of Winning Town.
I will not bowl three strikes. I very much doubt I can bowl one. I am tired – no, actually, I am exhausted. Arranging and hosting an event like this always does that to me. I would just like to have a lie down.
So, I’ll complete Jack’s victory for him by failing to bowl three strikes, and go and have a nice drink somewhere dark and child free.
‘Go get ’em!’ Annie encourages, which I’m grateful for, even though I’m too exhausted to put up much of a fight. I should probably be more worried about proving my manhood to her, but I’ll just have to ride on the success of today’s event rather than my prowess at bowling to do that.
As the Black Eyed Peas start to tell me all about their humps over the sound system – in a song I’ve never really understood the import of, if I’m honest – I take up position at the head of the lane.
Jack now tries to put me off by singing along to the song.
Sort of.
‘Yeah, yeah, yeah. Your humps! My humps! You’ve got a big, fat hump!’ he sings at the top of his voice. ‘Humps humps humps!’
I’m not even going to describe what he’s doing to poor Leo while he’s singing. It doesn’t bear thinking about. And certainly doesn’t bear describing. I try not to look at the expression on Annie’s face. Maybe Jack was right about not having my dumb-arse friends here today . . .
I try to ignore my idiotic mate, and look back down the lane.
I have to shake my head as my eyesight has gone a little blurred.
I really am tired. My heart rate is right up as well.
I guess the competition with Jack has got me going more than I thought it would.
Maybe I do have something to prove to my new girlfriend, after all.
Setting myself, I walk forward and pitch the bowling ball, in what I hope is an accurate shot.
As I watch the ball fly down the lane, my heart rate feels like it spikes even higher. I must really want to win this match.
Sadly, the ball strikes the pins off to the left, and only six go down.
‘Hah!’ Jack crows. ‘You humped it! You lumped it! Humps humps humps humps!’
I try to smile back at his antics, but for some reason, I’m now finding it quite hard to breathe. I need to sit down.
‘Charlie? Are you okay?’ Annie asks, rising from her seat.
I wave a hand. ‘Yeah, yeah. I’m just knackered is all. Need to sit . . . sit . . . I need to . . .’
Oh God.
Someone has dumped a bucket of cold water over my head. At least that’s what it feels like. My heart is pounding out of my chest and my legs have suddenly gone very weak.
Christ, what’s happening to me?
Then, the worst thing of all happens. I start to feel faint.
The edges of my vision start to turn black, and I can’t take a breath.
I’m dying!
I’m dying right here in this bowling alley! my mind screams at me.
Well, that’ll ruin Teddy’s birthday party, won’t it? Annie won’t be impressed with me at all.
As I drop to my knees, though, she is by my side. As is Jack. All humour has disappeared from his face.
‘Charlie? Mate? Are you okay?’ he says, his voice full of heightened concern.
‘Charlie?!’ Annie cries, causing everyone to look over at what’s going on with us.
And what’s going on is that I’m collapsing onto the floor of a bowling alley, with my heart pounding out of my chest, a feeling of utter and abject doom rising from the depths of my soul, my vision completely blurred by what I can only assume are tears, and the blackness of death about to envelop me in its horrifying embrace.
‘Charlie!’ Annie almost screams.
Oh God. How utterly and completely embarrassing.
I try to hold up one arm to pat her in a reassuring way, but I can barely lift it.
In fact, I can barely do anything. I just feel like I’m going to—
‘Charlie! Charlie! Can you hear me?’ Jack’s voice has a tremulous, terrified quality to it I can’t remember ever hearing before.
. . . well, except for maybe once. Right after he was found, and I went to see him in the hospital.
‘Yeah, yeah,’ I reply, my voice thick. ‘I’m okay.’
‘You’re clearly not, buddy,’ he argues. ‘We’ve got you in the recovery position, so don’t try to move. An ambulance is coming.’
Oh God, no. I don’t need an ambulance!
The last thing I want all these kids to see is me being lifted out of here on a stretcher. Not to mention Annie. We’ve only been dating for three months!