Chapter Four The Boys #4
Jack slaps him on the back. ‘Exactly!’ He looks at me. ‘Doesn’t it make you feel better to know you’re not the only one with a few issues? That you’re not the only one with a problem? If we can cope okay, then you can too.’
I stare at them both for a second.
‘No!’ I eventually say. ‘If anything, it makes me feel even worse.’
‘What?’
‘I had no idea my two best friends were messed up by things that happened to them ages ago!’ I snap. ‘Now I have you both to worry about!’
Jack’s brow creases. ‘No . . . that wasn’t . . . We didn’t . . .’
I chew on a fingernail. ‘Bloody hell.’
This is no good at all. I thought I was the only one with problems, but now I have to deal with the realisation that my two best friends are as desperate as I am – if not more so.
What the hell am I supposed to do now?
‘We have to find some way to fix things!’ I then exclaim, with a wholly inappropriate level of sudden enthusiasm.
‘Fix things?’ Leo repeats, incredulous.
‘Yes! Fix things!’ I insist.
Oh, thank God for that.
I have purpose.
There is something I can do.
If there’s one thing I hate more than anything else in this world, it’s swinging in the wind, without a direction. I should not be sat in my pyjamas at 11.34 in the morning!
But here is opportunity.
Here is a chance to be proactive!
Ha!
‘There’s nothing to fix,’ Jack protests. ‘We’ve all got to . . . put up with these things, just like everybody else does. You just have to realise you’re no different to anyone else. That we’re all the same, and that it’s fine to not be . . . you know . . . 100 per cent, all of the time.’
‘No,’ I say firmly.
‘No?’
‘No.’
‘What do you mean, no?’ Leo says, now with a rather anxious twang to his voice.
‘I mean . . . we can’t just put up with things,’ I argue.
‘We can’t?’ Jack looks mildly horrified now.
‘No, we can’t,’ I insist. ‘You two have been through some truly dreadful experiences that I had no idea about . . . but now I do know about them, there’s something that I can do.’
‘Is there?’ Leo’s expression is one of a man who’s just given someone a ten-pound note, and received a warm hand grenade in exchange.
‘Yes!’ I jump up off the couch and start to pace up and down. ‘There’s got to be something that can be done to get the both of you through the trauma you’ve suffered.’
‘That we’ve suffered . . . You mean all three of us?’ Jack interjects.
‘Whatever,’ I reply, flapping my hand at him. ‘I wish I’d known about it all sooner, but it doesn’t matter. Now that I do, I can put my mind to work thinking about some ways we can overcome your problems.’
‘We don’t need help overcoming them!’ Jack insists.
‘Yes, you do!’ I argue.
‘No, we don’t!’ he insists back, just as hard. ‘We’re totally fine! Aren’t we, Leo?’
‘Er . . . yes?’
‘You see!’
‘But you’re clearly not totally fine,’ I tell him. ‘Otherwise, you wouldn’t have talked to me about how it’s okay for me to not be totally fine, because neither are you.’
Aha!
My logic is absolutely unassailable!
Jack makes goldfish faces at me for a moment. Leo just looks like he wishes he was anywhere else. Possibly Mordor.
I have to convince them this is the right course of action. I can’t stand to see them both feeling as bad as they obviously do. I must help them with their trauma!
And who knows? Maybe helping them will help me to feel better as well.
Yes, yes! That’s it!
I will sleep better, and feel much more myself, if I can just get my two best friends through whatever it is they have that’s hanging over them, because of their horrible experiences.
Thank God they came round today!
‘I think we’ve made a terrible mistake,’ Jack says to Leo, with a distraught look on his face. ‘He’s going to have me back in that bloody mankini again, isn’t he?’
Leo shakes his head quickly. ‘I don’t want to wear a mankini, Jack,’ he says, his voice laced with terror.
‘Boys! It’s not going to be that bad!’ I assure them both. ‘You know how I work . . . Just leave things with me, and I promise I’ll come up with some ideas that will help.’
‘Including for you?’ Jack says, deeply suspicious of my intentions.
‘Yes! Absolutely including me! Of course!’
His eyes narrow . . . but I am being incredibly sincere here, aren’t I? Helping Jack and Leo will absolutely be of benefit to me. In the manner, and on the terms, that I have previously outlined.
Yes, indeed.
Leo points a shaky finger at me. ‘Just . . . Just promise me you’re not going to get us involved in anything too hare-brained, dangerous or bizarre. I know what you’re capable of.’
‘I promise,’ I assure him. ‘All I’m going to do is look into some methods of . . . I don’t know . . . therapy that can help people who have suffered some sort of trauma. Whether it’s Jack’s agoraphobia, your fear of people, or my . . . whatever it is that’s doing my head in about that car crash.’
The very fact that I cannot define what it is that troubles me is surely indicative of the fact it’s not really all that bad . . . isn’t it?
Jack’s problem is obvious, as is Leo’s. They’re both having understandable reactions to what happened to them. One of them got lost and nearly died, and the other one got assaulted on a dark street. There’s nothing like that for me. Nothing anywhere near that terrible.
And that means I can’t be anywhere near as badly off as they are.
I’m not like them.
‘It’s called PTSD,’ Jack responds in a flat voice. ‘You have PTSD.’
‘Whatever, whatever,’ I reply in a slightly irritated tone. ‘The key thing is, we can do something positive here! All three of us! Together!’ To underline this, I actively punch the air with a closed fist.
See?
Look how healthy I’m being! Look how proactive I am!
Surely that must be the right course of action?
‘It would be nice to stop . . . stop being quite so scared,’ Leo admits.
Jack stares at him for a second, before rolling his eyes. ‘Oh, good grief. It’s happening again.’ The finger he points at me is ramrod straight. ‘No bloody mankinis!’
‘I promise.’
‘. . . or other forms of ridiculous clothing.’
‘Duly noted.’
‘Or farmyard animals.’
‘Absolutely not.’
‘Or extreme sports.’
‘Nope.’
If Jack’s eyes narrow any further he’ll lose his vision completely.
They stay like that for a second, before relaxing somewhat. ‘Okay . . . I must admit, it would be nice to . . . you know . . . go trekking again.’ His eyes go a bit misty. ‘Maybe even get Gormley out on the road again. Petra and Tyler would like that.’
I punch the air again. It’s become a thing, and I’m too caught up in the moment to realise it’s very probably not a good thing. ‘That’s the spirit!’ I say, with deeply troubling amounts of excitement.
This is truly excellent.
I will help my friends.
I will make them feel better. And that means I will feel better.
It really is the perfect plan.
Everything will be alright. Everything will be totally