Chapter Seven Pole Position #2
‘We’re so pleased to see you all here today!’ Delta O’Dowd adds, also in the tones of someone who is 100 per cent sure of everything that has happened to her, or will ever happen to her. Her golden hair shimmers in the sunlight. She is equally tanned.
Both of them are dressed in activewear. Purple, grey and black activewear that echoes the colours of the Motive888 logo.
That was my suggestion when I put together their launch event.
Continuity is incredibly important in marketing.
One of the first lessons I ever learned, and still one of the best.
I am also dressed in activewear.
Or more accurately, I am dressed in a pair of new black Primark jogging bottoms that will be saggy at the knees in about five minutes, and a blue Primark t-shirt. That’s about as close to activewear as I get.
Leo is dressed in an expensive olive-green tracksuit combo from Lululemon, a brand I had never heard of until he told me about them. This happens quite often with Leo’s fashion choices.
Jack is in a Metallica t-shirt and a pair of jeans. In deference to today’s activities, the jeans are somewhat looser than normal.
We’re all wearing Adidas trainers, because we are men of a certain demographic and generation.
Joining us is a selection of other people who need a good kick up the arse. Not least for their fashion sense, in some cases. Activewear can – and does – really bring out the worst in people. Never have so many human beings dressed so inappropriately for their shape and size.
Everyone has an expression of combined hope and doubt on their face. As if they are all seeing this as something of a last resort for whatever ails them.
I wonder if they have partners who are drifting away? I wonder if there’s a space in the bed between them as well? Do they have problems at work? Do they feel like they’ve lost something of themselves?
Probably.
Or at least something very similar, I’d wager. Otherwise they wouldn’t be here.
Standing in a field on a farm in the middle of nowhere with two suntanned ex-soldiers feels like the kind of thing that could be considered a last resort.
I can understand that. Bryan and Delta O’Dowd seem to understand it too, given what they say next.
‘We know all of you are here because you need a little pick-me-up for your lives,’ Delta says, a look of what I assume is genuine empathy on her face. ‘You’ve no doubt tried plenty of other avenues with no success. We believe our programme will be the thing you need to finally progress.’
‘What we hope to accomplish with you today,’ continues her husband, ‘is the first step on a better, brighter path for you all. We’re not here to fix all of your problems, but we do believe that we can give you a foundation on which to build.’
‘A strong foundation is needed to tackle any issue,’ Delta says. ‘You’ll leave here today feeling that you have one you can stand on, finally.’
That all sounds . . . lovely? But I’m not quite sure how it helps me.
Jack is nodding along, though, and even Leo looks relatively impressed. I guess I’d better just give Bryan and Delta the benefit of the doubt at this stage.
‘Around the farm, we will be engaging in several activities that will both challenge you and challenge your perceptions of yourself,’ Delta continues.
‘We’ve specially designed these activities to focus on one aspect or another of how we learn to deal with, and effect change upon, our problems,’ Bryan assures us.
Which again sounds lovely.
But a bit . . . woolly.
I know woolly when I hear it. I’ve been in the promotions business for a long time, and can spot woolly from a mile off. Especially when it’s multi-coloured and at a gender-reveal party.
I’m starting to wish I’d done a little more work with the O’Dowds than just a single launch event. My due diligence might not be what it could have been, even though I read all of those glowing reviews.
You spent hours on the mushrooms and look what happened there.
Which is a fair enough point. Thank you, brain.
Bryan and Delta then split us up into four groups of three. Bryan takes on two of those groups, while Delta handles the three of us and the remaining people also in need of a strong foundation.
We are then told that we will move around the expansive grounds of the farm, engaging in different activities as we go.
I look over at Jack’s face as Bryan tells us all this, wondering how he’s feeling about the word ‘expansive’.
His expression is unreadable, but his body language is stiff.
The farm is surrounded by trees and hills, though, so I don’t think the horizon is going to pop up and give him a heart attack any time soon.
From what Bryan tells us, it feels like the day is extremely well run, and very well organised. Which goes some way to quelling my doubts over the aforementioned woolliness.
What brings them back again is when we descend a slope, following Delta to the end of a nearby fallow field, and discover what lies in wait for us, as the first of today’s activities.
It’s a tug of war.
I’ve paid a grotesque amount of money three times over to come and have a game of tug of war with my mates.
Good grief.
‘This is what we call “The Balance”,’ Delta tells us as we congregate around the large circular, white rubber mat. ‘Here we will start to interrogate how being off balance physically and mentally can increase your dissatisfaction with your life.’
Ah, so it’s a pretentious tug of war. Got it.
And for the next half an hour, the full pretentiousness of the tug of war becomes very apparent.
Delta, marching back and forth between the three of us and the other group, says a lot of stuff about the push and pull of modern life.
She expounds on the need to know when to pull at a problem, and when to let it go.
The idea that we’re only really pulling against ourselves comes up quite a bit, as does the notion that we need others to work with, in order to improve our lot in life.
You see?
Woolly.
I certainly feel like I’m wearing a large woolly vest, given how much I’m sweating by the end of the forty-five minutes we spend playing at tug of war.
All six of us are very hot and bothered. Delta is all about the inner reflection, but she’s also all about making you work your bloody arse off.
The fact she does it in a very reasonable tone of voice, with plenty of encouragement, is almost a disappointment.
This is meant to be a boot camp. Why am I not being shouted at?
Why am I not being called a worm? Why is my parentage not being called into question?
That’s what happens at boot camps. I’ve seen the movies.
‘That certainly got the muscles going,’ Leo remarks as we start walking back up the slope, in the direction of whatever Delta has in store for us next.
‘Glad we won, though,’ Jack says with a grin.
‘The only thing that won was our ability to understand the balance we need to maintain within ourselves,’ I remind him, in a haughty voice.
‘Nah, we pulled them over. We won,’ he says, adamant. ‘And they had two fatties on their team. We did good.’
Not quite sure Jack is taking away from the experience what Delta wanted him to, but that’s Jack for you. Never one to conform, if he can help it.
The next activity is an obstacle course. Delta calls it ‘The Path’.
Oh joy.
I’m starting to get the feeling that what Bryan and Delta have very cleverly done here is take a bunch of basic military exercises and dress them up with some pat psychology.
‘Obstacles meet us every day on our paths in life,’ Delta says, walking back and forth in front of us as we survey the thing we’re about to clamber over. ‘Here, we will learn that those obstacles can always be overcome with help and guidance from those around us.’
I’m going to be pulling a fat lad up a cargo net, aren’t I?
In fact, there’s a little more to it than that. Rather than just throwing us at the whole obstacle course at once, Delta leads us through it in four sections, each with differing obstacles that are meant to highlight one aspect of our internal struggles.
I’m not sure how running through old tyres is meant to represent my doubts and fears, but the crawling under fake barbed wire does remind me of how slowly I feel I’ve been moving in general recently.
Delta makes us attempt these sections first on our own and then with the help and encouragement of the others.
And damn me, if it doesn’t start to have the desired effect. Climbing up a cargo net is easier when you know you have other people there to help you, if you need it.
Delta is good at this.
By the time we get to run the whole obstacle course an hour later, it does feel like I’m achieving something. And when I successfully cross the finish line, I feel a small measure of triumph, which is an emotion quite unfamiliar to me.
I actually feel the most positive I have in weeks.
Bloody hell.
‘That was pretty cool,’ Jack says as we walk towards a small patch of woodland at the edge of the farm.
‘Agreed,’ Leo adds, and pats me on the back. ‘You did good suggesting this,’ he tells me. ‘Feels great to be out and about, doing a bit of exercise.’
‘Surrounded by thick woodland and lots of nice people,’ Jack throws in, making Leo’s smile falter a little.
Still quite a way to go with these two, clearly . . .
And I’m not sure how the next exercise will help either of them, to be honest.
There are poles, you see.
Long wooden poles that rise a good fifteen feet off the ground, and have small, round platforms nailed to the end of them.
I spy a couple of long, very sturdy-looking ladders leant against a nearby tree – and some conclusions start to be drawn in my head that I don’t like the look of one little bit.
‘Now this is an exercise that will challenge you a little more!’ Delta tells us enthusiastically. ‘But you should be feeling more confident after the “The Balance” and “The Path”. Do you?’