Chapter 5
Pip
The dream started as it always did. I was alone in a room, locked away like I was someone's dirty little secret.
This part was less dream and more memory.
My mother had been my father's mistress. The minute he found out she was pregnant, he demanded she get rid of me. But my mother wasn't one to cower to anyone's demands.
Iconic bad bitch behavior. Truly.
She wanted to keep me. Felt that I was part of her gift from God or something. So, she decided to raise me on her own and took off.
Then a fucked-up mess happened. A random mugging turned murder took her from me. Put me in a system that wasn't built to properly take care of children.
I lived my life between the streets and foster places. Mostly, I was outside getting into shit. The houses that I was placed in never really wanted me there. They just wanted the paycheck.
I found other ways to keep myself busy, found other tricks of the trade, if you will. It still couldn't stop the memories of being alone. Of being locked away the few times people were able to pin me down.
And that didn't include the abuse. The fists that would fly my way when someone was angry I didn't do exactly what they said.
I'd been forced to watch it happen to others too.
You would think after all that time that I wouldn't find peace in it, that it wouldn't bring me balance. But it was more than the violence I loved and craved.
It was the control.
I was the one wielding the knife, the one toting the gun. I would be the decider of someone's fate.
But that didn't stop the nightmares.
They didn't come often, but for some reason, they decided to show up on the first goddamn night I spent with anyone else. The one night I got to be close to Henny.
I was at the point in the dream that was the worst. The one where I'd been made to witness deviant acts towards a young girl. A young girl I had claimed as a friend only days before because she had been bullied and I stepped in to help.
If I hadn't spoken to her, she wouldn't have been in that position. She wouldn't have been taken from her family and fucking tortured in the most heinous of ways.
Not only was I hurting for her, but I was mad at myself for even attempting to have something nice. I couldn't have anything in this world. Not until I could control things.
The young me watched as the girl was hurt over and over. I knew I would wake up. I knew it was a dream… a memory… a nightmare.
But that didn't stop my body's reaction. The overwhelming panic and dread. Only this time, instead of waking in a panic, sweating and panting, reaching for my gun, I woke to soft murmurs and gentle hands on my cheeks.
That's it.
You're fine.
You're safe.
It's time to wake up Pip.
Henny's voice soothed the last of the terror running through my bloodstream. I blinked my eyes open to see him hovering over me, concern etched in his features.
“Henny,” I croaked.
His lips tipped up in what could pass for a smile if you really looked closely.
“You were having a nightmare. I had to wake you up. I couldn't listen to you suffer anymore.”
“I'm sorry,” I told him as I remained still. I knew if I moved, he would drop his hands away. He'd clearly forgotten that they were there or he would have done so already.
Henny wasn't touchy feely, though he wasn't as bad as Dario, Pharrell's CFO and cousin. That man hated touch with a passion.
But Henny… he just wasn't affectionate.
Never had been.
This was new, and I wanted to soak in it for as long as possible.
“Do you want to talk about it?” he asked me, his thumb gently stroking over my cheek.
“No. It's not worth either of our time to discuss old memories.”
His brow dipped as his lips turned down. “Bad memories.”
The words weren’t a question. He already knew.
I nodded anyway. “And sometimes the nightmares come back. I'm usually better about controlling them. I'm sorry I woke you.”
He shook his head. “No, it's fine. I just,” he paused. I wondered what he was struggling to say. What words was he holding back?
Usually, Henri was snarky with me. He could hold his own in a battle of who could be the most sarcastic really damn well.
I loved poking the bear when I got the chance. But he wasn't going to do that now. Either it was because he thought I was fragile or he wasn't awake enough himself. I couldn’t think of any other reason.
I would go so far as to say I missed our banter, but this was better.
Having his touch, seeing his careful evaluation of me, knowing that I was important enough for him to get out of bed and check on when others would have just put in earplugs or close the door between us.
“I promise I'm fine. Whatever it is you wanted to say isn't important.”
“It's not that I wanted to say anything bad,” Henri interrupted. “It's that you’re usually so chaotic. I can't imagine what could be so horrible to give you nightmares. I've seen you torture people Pip. It's insanity.”
I grinned at his choice of words. The movement reminded him that he was still touching me, and I saw the realization on his face. He yanked his hands away, though stayed close still in his kneeling position.
“I know that I'm psychotic. I understand that my ways don't make sense to everyone, but for me, it's about being able to control who gets to suffer.”
His eyes widened. “Because you couldn't control it before.”
I nodded as I sat up and stretched. The nightmares meant I wouldn't be able to go to sleep for a while. Not unless there was something else for me to do to wear myself out.
Usually that meant a fight or fucking. I couldn't do either at the moment. There was no way I was going to go hunt someone down and attempt to bring them back here or go to their room leaving Henny unprotected.
It wasn't an option.
He watched me move, a frown covering his handsome face. “You're not going back to sleep then?”
“No, I can't. I'm not going to be able to go to sleep for a while.”
This caring, comforting mode he was in made me feel seen. Like someone was taking the time to properly get to know me.
“I mean, it's fine,” I told him. “You can go in the other room. I'll pull out my phone and watch videos or something. Maybe play some Sudoku until I get tired.”
He tilted his head.
“Is it the being alone that's a problem?”
“Being alone? I don't think that that's even a thing. I don't typically,” I paused because technically, yes, it was about being alone.
When I thought about fighting or fucking, I was surrounded by other people. And usually, I went to sleep with someone in my bed or me in theirs.
I shrugged one shoulder. “I guess it could be part of it. Still, I’ll be okay. You just go to sleep. I know you're busy tomorrow.”
He brought his fingers to his nose and pinched the bridge. I can tell he didn't want to say whatever he was about to say next, but much like I was a violent psycho, Henny had a good streak a mile wide.
“Come into my room. You can lay on the bed on top of the blankets. Bring your blanket. Being close to someone should help.”
It took every ounce of control I had in my body to not leap up and wrap myself around him like a koala.
This wasn't progress.
It was way fucking above where we'd been even at the start of last night.
Wordlessly, I grabbed the blanket and followed him back towards the bedroom. He climbed in first under the blankets, then stared at me until I moved.
I laid down on the fully made side and dragged my comforter up to my chin. He clicked off the bedside lamp.
We didn’t speak. Just laid there on our backs like this was normal. Yeah, right. Nothing about tonight had been.
My eyes stayed on the ceiling as I adjusted to the darkness.
It was quiet. You didn’t get all the noise from the hotel and casino this high up.
After a few moments, I heard his breath even out. It shocked me he could go to sleep again so quickly after all of that. Even more so that he trusted me to lie beside him.
I could do anything to him right now. I wouldn't, of course. I wasn't a monster.
Not in that way.
Consent was important. More than that, I didn't want to be the one to initiate anything. I might orchestrate stuff though. Meddling was fun.
For all the control I needed in my professional life, my personal one was different. I needed someone who would tell me what to do in the bedroom, who would make demands of me that would send heat up my spine and have me begging to give them anything they wanted.
I'd never found the perfect person to fill the need. Others had tried, but none were qualified.
I knew Henny would be. The man was the stuff of my dreams. My fucking wet dreams. As in I often dreamt of him all hot and sweaty and mine.
I wanted him badly.
He didn't see me that way. Not yet.
I wondered if tonight would change things between us. Would he look at me with less frustration?
Would be nice if he could.
But if it was replaced by pity, I would have to leave. I would have to pack it all up and take off, breaking my promise to Rel and never coming back.
Because you couldn't get past pity.
Hate, love, frustration, all the other emotions were ones that would balance out over time. Pity lingered. I refused to be on the receiving end of it.
Eventually I closed my eyes. I managed a couple more hours of sleep.
When I woke, Henny was already gone. There was a note on the pillow telling me he had needed to get into the office early, and I was free to leave because the room would be secured behind me.
I knew all about that. It still bothered me that he didn't even wake me.
I dialed Rel first thing to check on where he was and if he needed me at his side. If he was at home, I knew that it was secure. And if he was here at the casino, then I could get to him quickly and discuss the plan for the day.
The only place I truly worried about his safety was the warehouse because those fuckers were problematic. I got a quick forward to voicemail and then a text that said, "I'll be MIA for a while. Stick close to Henri."