Chapter 10
Henri
It took forty-five minutes of walking around for my heart rate to settle back to a normal pace.
I made it halfway down the strip before stopping to brace myself against a building, my fist pressed to the brick, as I tried to remember what it was like to breathe like a functional human being instead of a man whose world was just rocked.
There was one image that wouldn’t leave my mind the whole time. Pip on his knees, his hand beating his cock, as he looked up at me like I held the answers to everything he wanted. Like I was the only thing he’d ever wanted.
You like being my good boy, don’t you, Pip?
The words had been instinct in the moment.
The praise was easy to give out. Pip soaked it up like a starving man who’d found water in the desert.
I’d watched him fall apart beneath me, and the adrenaline rush I got was so intense it took everything I had not to pull him up and fuck his pliant body right there against the couch.
I’d even called myself Daddy, when I’d explicitly told him not to. The word didn’t feel bad when Pip was involved. There was only a craving for him.
That rush of desire was why I left.
I’d wanted too much. Wanted Pip desperately enough to scare me back into reality. The urge to push him down and take him, to hear my murderous boy beg and say please again in that breathy voice, was intoxicating.
Control was my guiding light. I never lost it. Never let myself relax enough to risk anything less than focus and precision. It’s what made me great in my role helping Pharrell. It kept me alive, kept me valuable, kept me sane.
Except Pip shattered it.
He’d given me control of the situation, and while I maintained enough to guide him, my own ability to restrain myself had vanished.
Pip always teased me about letting go. For years, he’d said I was uptight and suggested I take a vacation or something. I knew it was all said in jest, yet I couldn’t deny how fucked up the words made me feel.
Tonight had been the final blow in a long string of jabs sent my way. Only, it came in a form I wasn’t prepared to tackle.
Desire.
Arousal.
Need.
How could I turn Pip away when he’d done everything asked of him?
The bliss on his face as he came would live with me long after Pip decided to move on.
Eventually I moved off the wall and kept walking. The cool night air pushed against my flushed skin, as if attempting to temper the fire of lust burning inside me. I shoved my hands in my pockets, turning over my thoughts one after another to see where I truly landed on this entire day.
All this was meant to be a short-term thing.
Pip’s job to protect Pharrell wouldn’t last forever.
I had a feeling it would be even shorter than originally planned since Ricardo showed up.
Once Pharrell decided he was safe enough, Pip would be on his way to his next contract, in a city far, far away from here.
It’s how he’d always done things.
I had no claim to him. No hope that tonight’s events would have a chance to be repeated. No chance of the feelings I’d been attempting to bury to come to light.
At some point along the way, my feelings shifted. Pip had been annoying and dangerous. The attraction I felt to him was physical only. But then I blinked and suddenly there was a Pip-shaped space inside of me. A space where I welcomed his brand of chaos with open arms.
This was all too fast. I didn’t do relationships. My emotional bandwidth was limited in order to keep my work at the standard I preferred. Falling for someone—much less someone like Pip who was deeply ingrained in my world—was not part of the plan.
But, fuck me.
I wanted it.
I wanted Pip.
This was going to be a disaster. Still, I couldn’t avoid it any longer. Ignoring everyone I passed was easy once I settled on the need to get back to my suite.
I’d been gone too long. Had been silent when I shouldn’t have been.
Guilt twisted my insides. Pip had been vulnerable tonight. He’d stripped all the pretense away, giving me every piece of himself. And I’d just left him there. I’d run out the minute I had the chance.
What the hell was I thinking? Pip might have been tough to everyone else, but for me he showed more than the hired assassin persona. He’d revealed his need for praise and reassurance.
I opened the door, hating myself for how I’d handled things. It was time to get my mind right. I needed to accept what was coming before I hurt Pip any further. I had no doubt he’d take my leaving as a sign he’d failed me, or worse, that I was angry with him.
Neither were true.
It was dark when I stepped inside. There was a distant glow in the bedroom from the lamp near my bedside. I moved in that direction after locking the door behind me, mind already focused on what I’d say.
But then I found an empty bed.
My body froze at the sight. I went to the bathroom next, despite the obvious tell that he wouldn’t have been there because the lights were off. On my way out, just as my panic built, I spotted the rounded shape on the couch.
Easing forward, I tugged the edge of the blanket back. Kneeling on the floor, I took in Pip’s curled-up form, with both arms clutching a pillow to his chest as if it were a lifeline. Gone was the violent man who got off on violence. Pip was much smaller now, much softer.
And then I saw the trail of tears down his cheeks.
The last of my hesitation fled at the realization that my leaving had done this. I’d turned my back on him when he needed me to stay.
I couldn’t stand the thought of him believing he’d done something wrong. My issues weren’t a reflection of him. There was only one way to rectify my screw up.
Gently, I shook his shoulder. “Pip… I need you to wake up.”
Instead of rising slowly like most people would, his eyes shot open as his hand shot out for me. I let him grab my throat, fingers tight on my windpipe, as his mind cleared the sleepy fog from his mind. He released me as soon as he realized who I was.
He pushed up and away from me, the pillow still tight in his grasp. The way he put distance between us was more than physical.
“Why are you on the couch?” I asked, needing to address the immediate concern.
His eyes moved to look out the window. “Figured you didn’t want me in there.”
“You shouldn’t—” I cut myself off. Placing blame on him wouldn’t fix the rift between us. Instead, I went with what I knew best. Control. “Get up.”
“What?”
“Get up, Pip. It’s time to go to bed.”
“Henri, you don’t need to—”
Oh, fuck no. Absolutely not.
I was Henny. Not Henri. How fucking dare he take that away from me? Even if I am an ass, I’m his ass.
The shock of that thought tore through me. I’d have to look into it more later when I had the space to freak out.
“Now, Pip. I’m not getting into that bed without you.” I put enough force behind my words to tell him I wasn’t joking around.
Despite the still hesitant look he held, Pip stood and grabbed hold of his blanket. I let him go into the bedroom first. He wasn’t going to give me the slip and try to leave.
Tension radiated off him. And it was all my fault.
When he stopped at the side of the bed, I couldn’t stand it any longer. I yanked the covers back and pointed. “Lay down.”
Pip frowned for a second, but when I didn’t budge, he eased into the bed and turned on his side with the pillow still in his arms. Was it weird to be jealous of a fucking pillow?
I covered him up, then went around to my side. Normally I’d take off my clothes, fold them, and do my bedtime routine. Tonight, I had no choice in the matter. The longer it took me to get in bed, the more Pip would panic and worry, and then the more damage control I’d have to do.
My clothes fell to the wayside with ease. Slipping in the bed, I laid on my back and stared at the ceiling. What was normally a restful position felt like standing in front of a firing squad.
Breaking the silence was hard but necessary. “You’re not the reason I left.”
Pip’s body went tight. I felt the bed shift as he turned to look at me. “You didn’t leave because of what we did?”
“No. Not at all.”
“Then why?”
“Because… because I wanted more. I wanted to touch all of you. Wanted to sink inside you and make you mine.”
His breath hitched. “What about now? Are you past these feelings?”
“It’s not about being past them,” I admitted. “It’s about timing. You’re not staying. The minute Pharrell says you can go, you will. And I can’t, I won’t, start anything with you when there’d be an expiration date.”
“And if I chose to stay?”
“That’s a conversation that deserves its own time, not a follow-up spot after I fucked up and made you feel like I was upset with you. You were amazing, Pip. I loved watching you melt for me.”
He whispered, “Okay.”
“But no matter what, you do not sleep on the couch. Do you understand that your place is here in this bed?”
“Yes, Daddy.”
We both went silent after that. Neither of us having the words to keep the conversation going and definitely not in the place to discuss the thing we hadn’t. Being a Daddy would be more than an accident between us. I was familiar enough with kink to know we needed boundaries and rules.
I wouldn’t dare put him in a position to be hurt again. Not if I could help it.
I was nearly asleep when I felt him move again. Right as I tried to figure out what he was doing, I felt something press against my shoulder.
My bare shoulder.
In my rush to get into bed, I’d forgone all my clothing except my boxers. And now Pip had pressed his face against me. He took a shuddering breath, as if being skin to skin with me was everything he ever wanted.
Unable to resist him any further, I eased my arm up and murmured, “Come here.”
Pip moved closer, though he still kept some space between us. It wasn’t enough for me. Reaching over, I yanked the pillow from his grasp, then pressed my hand to his back to guide him over.
“Be good for me, baby. I’ll sleep better with you in my arms.”
The sigh he let out felt like a gift.
One I wasn’t quite equipped to handle.