Chapter 9
Nine
He was shaking with nerves. Not because he was a stranger to anything sexual, but because for the first time in his life, he was doing this with someone he liked. Someone he wanted. Someone he knew wanted him back. There was no chance—at least none in the calculations he was able to run—that Skye was in this for any other reason except he wanted to be there.
It was the first time Rami felt safe.
A pulse of regret began to beat in his chest like a second heart as they walked through the door. He wasn’t changing his mind about Skye, but he wished their circumstances were different. No matter how many dates they went on or how hard either of them fell, Rami’s situation would remain the same.
He was doing well enough and was going to pay off the taxes on time, but it was still going to be a while before he could let Skye have all of him. And the fact that Skye would be the first—couldn’t be the first—was starting to eat at him.
He wasn’t sure Skye would care…but Rami still hadn’t told him his full plan. His endgame was to auction his virginity off to the highest bidder in hopes he could pay the rest of the bill with some left over to store away so he wouldn’t find himself in this position again.
He would have to tell Skye, of course. He had to come clean so they could both make the right and most informed decision on if they wanted to go forward with all this. But Rami was going to let himself have this one selfish moment.
There were still no promises between them. There were no labels, no rules, and the only boundaries were the ones set by Rami.
“Does it matter to you that I’m a virgin?” he found himself asking as Skye led him through the bedroom door. His bed was large and covered in more pillows than Rami liked to sleep with. His comforter was a slate grey, and it looked very, very soft. His fingers itched to touch it, but he turned and touched Skye’s shirt instead.
Skye smiled at him. “No. Would you like it to?”
“No,” Rami said. He licked his lips. “Would you get angry if I slept with another person after we did…um. This.”
Skye’s face did something complicated, and then he took a deep breath and said, “That would make me a terrible hypocrite, wouldn’t it?”
“You’re allowed to want what you want,” Rami said.
Skye’s mouth softened into something like a smile. He pressed his front against Rami’s and took his hands. “I think I would be hurt if you dated someone else. I can’t set rules like that on you because I have sex for a living, and that’s not going to stop anytime soon. You should probably know that, sweetheart. If you and I decide we want more than this right here, you’ll have to be okay with what I do.”
“I’m okay with it,” Rami said. He didn’t really know if it was a good thing or a bad thing that he could categorize something like sex into work, pleasure, and relationships, but to him, it made sense. Work was work. It didn’t matter what you did. You performed some act or service, you got paid, you went home.
There was an invisible wall in his mind between him on his channel and the man who was standing in Skye’s bedroom. But he didn’t know how to say that in words Skye would understand.
“Then I suppose I feel the same way. If you did it on your channel, I wouldn’t mind. But if you were dating, I think it would bother me.”
Rami let out a sigh of relief. He did understand. “I don’t want to date anyone except you. I don’t really like people very much.”
Skye laughed and swooped in to kiss him. “Neither do I,” he said when he broke away. Rami could feel the echo of his lips—the warmth of them and the tender way Skye held him, not like he was breakable, but like he was precious.
Rami took a breath, then glanced at the bed. “Can I show you?”
Skye frowned. “Show me?”
Rami took Skye’s hand and pressed it to where he was hard and thick in his jeans. Skye sucked in a breath, eyes going wide. “Can I show you?”
“Yes,” Skye said.
“And if it’s too strange, will you tell me?”
Skye took his time with his answer. He closed his eyes in a very slow blink, then opened them. “Yes. The last thing I want to do is hurt you, but you’d prefer that over a lie, wouldn’t you?”
“Yes,” Rami told him. For years, people assumed he either didn’t feel at all or that he was too sensitive to hear the brutal truth. He hated that to so many, he wasn’t a person just like them. People treated him like he was some sort of alien—someone mimicking the human condition.
It always hurt, so the fact that Skye understood him this way meant everything.
Skye licked his lips, then began to knead Rami’s cocks with the heel of his palm. He was mostly touching the one on the right, but as he stroked down, he touched the base of both, and Rami groaned softly. “You like that?”
“Mm. I’ve only done this once.”
“And it’s allowed, right? I mean, your rules?—”
“It’s allowed,” Rami said. “And I want it. I want you.”
Skye’s breath trembled on his exhale. He bent his head, kissing Rami over his pulse as his hand pressed harder against his dicks. Rami thrust against him, almost content enough to rub off until he came.
But he wanted more. He wanted to feel Skye’s bare skin against his own.
Rami tugged Skye toward the bed, and it only took a second for Skye to get with the picture. He snapped into action, going from hesitation to dominating, easing Rami around so the backs of his legs were touching the mattress, and then he grabbed the hem of his shirt.
“May I?”
“Yes,” Rami said. “You don’t need to be too careful with me. I like it when you take charge.”
Skye’s pupils blew wide, and his lips parted on an exhale. He gripped Rami’s shirt with one hand, the other moving to his own ear to touch the side of his hearing aid. “Do you mind if I take this off?”
Rami shook his head and lifted his hands. ‘No. Never.’
Skye used his free hand to pull his hearing aids out, and he set them on the nightstand. He closed his eyes, his head shaking from left to right a couple of times, and then he looked up again. He was more relaxed, Rami noticed. A line of tension in his body was gone.
‘Undress me,’ Rami signed.
With a single tug, Rami’s shirt was up over his head. With a second tug, it came free of his arms. Skye’s hands went for his jeans next, undoing the button like he had before, and this time not stopping there. He pulled the zipper down, then spread the fly into a wide v and stared at where Rami was bulging against his briefs.
They were black, so they hid exactly how hard he was, but Skye traced the shape of his cocks with the tips of two fingers, and he groaned deep in his chest.
“Do they…can they…” Skye seemed to struggle with his words. He lifted his gaze and then his free hand. ‘Both feel the same?’ he signed with one hand.
Rami nodded his fist. ‘Yes. Same-same. Touch both, please.’
Skye’s hands were trembling again as he tugged Rami’s jeans to his knees, and then he waited for Rami to kick them across the floor. He watched then as Skye slowly and carefully removed his own shirt, then his jeans, then his boxers. He stood in front of Rami stark naked—gorgeous, thin, lithe, tattooed in places Rami was not expecting to see.
He couldn’t help himself from reaching out and touching the ink across his hips. ‘Means?’
‘Nothing,’ Skye signed quickly and laughed. ‘I just like the way they look.’
Rami couldn’t relate, but he did understand. He was a man of aesthetic himself. Sometimes he made sculptures because an image spoke to him. And sometimes he sculpted something that simply looked nice. There wasn’t always a deep reason or complicated rhyme.
And he liked that Skye had decorated his body that way.
Swallowing heavily, Rami backed up against the bed again, then hooked his fingers in the waistband of his briefs. He watched Skye’s gaze move down to where he was hard and throbbing. He saw the way Skye’s throat hitched with his swallow. This was so different than it had been in the past.
The one man he’d let touch him had stared like Rami was some sort of sideshow at a circus. There was a look of curiosity and even revulsion in his eyes when Rami bared himself. And on his channel, the people watching him were screen names and rapid-fire sentences he rarely read, but the few he did treated him much the same way. It was easier to bear when he wasn’t looking into someone’s eyes, but the fact remained he was different from everyone else.
Except Skye.
“You don’t have to if it’s too much,” Skye murmured softly.
Rami knew that, but those words still comforted him in ways he didn’t expect. With a single tug, he dragged his briefs over the curve of his ass. The elastic caught on his cocks, but only for a second. They sprang free, bobbing in the air in front of him. He was so, so hard, aching with the need to be touched.
He found himself staring at Skye’s hands instead of his face. Rami found that fingers were often more honest than lips and eyes. Skye’s hands opened, then closed, then opened again and hung relaxed at his sides.
“Rami,” Skye said after a long beat. “I really want to touch you, but I need you to guide me.” And then he finally looked up.
With a quick nod, Rami held out his hands as Skye closed the distance between them. He took Skye by the wrists and carefully brought his fingertips to his shoulders. “Anywhere you want. I trust you.”
Skye’s breath hitched, and his jaw tensed before he gave a firm, stiff nod and let Rami pull his hands away. Instead of going for his erections, which was what Rami had been expecting, Skye went for his chest. He laid flat palms to his pecs, one on the left side, pressing hard to where Rami’s heart was beating.
He stood there like that for a long moment, then stepped even closer. His naked body pressed against Rami’s. His cock was fat and thick, hitching up against Rami’s thigh, and Skye groaned, rocking his hips.
Rami’s cocks were pressed against Skye’s stomach, the warmth of his skin and the roughness of his hair almost too much. But also, somehow, it was not enough. He wanted more, more, more , with a desperation that was entirely alien to him.
“I like the way you feel against me,” Rami said.
Skye looked up. “Sorry, I missed some of that.”
Rami repeated his words on his hands, and Skye bit his lip. ‘Will you touch them?’
“Yes,” Skye said. But once again, instead of going for his cocks, Skye took him by the hips and applied pressure until Rami’s knees bent. It took him a second to realize Skye was guiding him down to the bed, but he sat quickly and spread his legs as Skye dropped to his knees.
‘Do you do this a lot? With clients?’
Skye considered the question. “Not like this,” he said aloud, pressing both hands to the tops of Rami’s thighs. He rubbed his thumbs along Rami’s sensitive skin. Sparks shot up his spine, making him want to moan and push into it. He was touch starved, he knew. He was so, so touch starved. “No one has ever been like you.”
‘One in five million,’ Rami signed, and Skye frowned.
“Sorry, I don’t…”
Rami spelled it for him slowly, watching his lips curl over each letter. ‘I’m rare.’
“Yes.” Skye pushed high on his knees and took his cheek against his palm as his other hand finally—finally—moved to where Rami wanted to be touched most. “You are so rare. And I am so lucky.”
Then he kissed him. His hand let Rami’s cheek go, drifting down with a touch of fingertips along his sternum, then his stomach. Before Rami could inhale, before he could kiss back, before he was even aware that seconds were passing, Skye had both cocks, one in each hand.
He held him still for a moment, then slowly began to stroke from root to tip, like he was learning the shape of them, the weight, the girth, the length. Then his grip tightened, and he kept squeezing until Rami felt a lightning bolt of ecstasy and his hips thrust forward.
“Yes,” Skye murmured against his mouth. “Yes. You like that, don’t you?”
Rami hummed, a high-pitched, needy sound, and he began to rock his hips in time with Skye’s arms. He was too close.
‘Please,’ Rami signed.
Skye hummed that he understood, and he sped up. He kissed Rami deeper, the thrust of his tongue matching the rhythm of his hands. The room was filled with a soft fap fap fap , doubled with an echo as Skye paid equal attention to both cocks.
“Oh,” Rami said. “Oh. It feels good. I like it. I want to orgasm.”
Skye pulled back and looked at him. Rami didn’t always avoid eye contact, and this was one of those moments. It felt too good, and Skye’s gaze was almost like an embrace itself. Skye’s mouth tipped up into a slight grin as he sped up even faster, and before Rami could beg for more, he was coming.
He fell backward, catching himself on his elbows as his hips thrust upward. Skye kept going until he’d milked both cocks of every drop. His gaze was on the liquid spill pooling on his belly, and then he let Rami go, dragging his fingers through the mess.
For a moment, Rami thought he might taste him, but instead, he wiped his hand on the bedspread before lifting all the way up and setting his knee on the mattress. “I want to come on you.”
Rami nodded, his body still humming with pleasure and his need to see Skye let go almost frantic in his chest. He couldn’t form words, and he couldn’t lift his hands or he would fall, so he mouthed, ‘Yes.’
Skye’s eyes darkened, and he shifted up higher. His hand took his own cock—smaller than Rami’s but thick and pretty, with a metal barbell glinting out of the tip. Rami had missed that before in the chaos of seeing him for the first time, but he had the sudden urge to take it into his mouth.
He couldn’t, of course. Not yet. His mouth was a virgin too, and he wasn’t willing to give up the possibility for an auction. But he could fantasize as Skye grunted his way to completion.
Rami’s fingers burned to touch, but he kept himself in the exact same position he’d fallen, watching with heavy-lidded eyes as Skye brought himself over the edge. He was beautiful all the time, but his expression when he let go was something else. Ethereal, almost. But it also seemed a little…trained.
He wondered if it was on purpose. He wondered if Skye had ever let go—let himself be raw with anyone before.
Skye’s come hit Rami on the stomach just above where his limp cocks were resting, and when Skye was finished, Rami fell all the way back. His fingers drifted through the mess, gathering some on the tips, and he reached for his mouth.
Before he could take a taste, Skye grabbed him by the wrist and squeezed. “I’m sorry, sweetheart, but I can’t let you.”
Rami opened his eyes and blinked at him. ‘Why?’ he signed.
Skye’s gaze dipped down. “We’re as safe as we can be. We’re tested monthly—sometimes more often, depending on if there’s an issue with a client. We always wear protection, but there’s also always a risk, and I’m not allowed to let you taste me like that. Not until I no longer work here and I know for sure I’m keeping you safe.”
Rami felt a pang of disappointment in his chest. “So, will I never be allowed to suck you?”
Skye chuckled softly, and he dropped both hands on either side of Rami’s head, straddling him. “You can suck me. You just can’t taste me. Not yet.”
But not forever. If this worked out, if this became something, there would be a day when he could. Rami supposed he owed Skye as much patience as he was asking for. And he was willing to give a little more than that too.
“Kissing though. I like the kissing. I like tasting your tongue.”
Skye nodded. “I like it too.” And then he showed him exactly how much.
When they pulled into his driveway, Rami was sure Skye would kiss him goodbye at the door and then leave. The date had gone strangely—not the way Rami expected, but partially the way he wanted. So he wasn’t holding out hope for more than a quick goodbye.
But that wasn’t what Skye gave him. Instead, he lingered when Rami put the code in to unlock the house, then leaned in when he opened the door. “Can I come in for a little while? I don’t think I’m ready to let you go yet.”
Rami’s whole being brightened. He wanted that more than anything. He wanted Skye in his space, to leave the impression of him behind when he was gone.
“Yes. I can show you some stuff I’m working on. The house still doesn’t feel like mine. I haven’t really moved into many of the rooms, but I can show you where I stay.”
Skye grabbed his hand and kissed his knuckles. “I’d really like that.”
Rami led him into the back room his grandfather had converted into his studio and turned on the main lights. They were bright, but they were a soft yellow instead of harsh white, and they illuminated all of Rami’s half-done projects.
Some of them would be abandoned. Some would be finished soon. Some would take years. He never really felt pressure to work on the timeline of other people’s expectations. It was also why he would never really be able to make a living on this alone.
He’d have to figure something else out at some point because he was pretty sure he didn’t want to keep his channel up. But he never wanted his art to feel like work. He was afraid that if he did that, one day, it would start to drain him like everything else.
And sculpting was the last bit of his grandfather he had left that felt alive.
“I love this space,” Skye said as he walked to the back wall. Rami had several pieces that were finished, fired, and waited to be painted and glazed. “Will you sell these?”
“I have a website,” Rami said, hoping his voice carried.
It seemed to because Skye smiled. “You’ll have to show me sometime.” He took a bit longer, his fingers touching rough, dry clay, pressing into a couple of pieces that were still wet. Rami had the sudden urge to preserve his fingerprints, though he didn’t say that aloud. That would be weird.
Wouldn’t it?
Then Skye turned to face him. “What else is yours?”
The library had always been mostly his. His grandfather wasn’t much of a reader, but when he realized Rami was, he’d set it up for him to have a safe space to be alone and unwind. Rami took Skye there next, waving his hand weakly at the stacks of books he’d never put back on the shelf.
Skye walked over and crouched down near one of the tables, staring at the titles. “Ancient Rome?”
“The Roman Empire,” Rami said. “It, uh…it’s a thing. Special interest,” he muttered.
Skye turned to face him. “I’m sorry, sweetheart, I didn’t catch that.”
Rami took a breath. It always felt so…clinical to say it that way. A special interest. Those were three words out of some WebMD article or a textbook on the symptoms of Autism. It was so much more than that.
Losing himself to history—painting a picture in his mind of what had come eons before him—it felt like being wrapped in euphoria. He could sit and read for hours and hours—for days, if he let himself. He could neglect eating and sleeping and taking a piss or a shower because what he was doing made him so, so happy.
He had to limit himself. It had been easier when he was with his grandfather. He could drag Rami away without making him feel judged. It was harder at home with his parents, who didn’t quite understand the way his brain worked.
They were never unkind. They were just sharp and confused, and it made Rami feel ashamed, even when they didn’t mean it that way. Now, he had only himself for when to draw the line, and he was his own worst enemy most days.
“Are you okay?” Skye crossed back over to him and put his hands on his hips. “Did I say something wrong?”
Rami shook his head. “My life is…small. And pathetic.”
“It’s neither of those things,” Skye said, “and I’m sorry if anyone ever made you feel like that was true.”
Rami had no idea what to say. The truth was, they were both right. To Rami, his life was perfect. To an outside observer, his life was a joke. He didn’t mind being both men to strangers. But he wanted to be different in Skye’s eyes.
“I don’t have a lot to show you.”
Skye smiled again. “This is enough for now. Thank you for this.”
Rami bowed his head. “Thank you for this afternoon.”
Taking him by the chin, Skye kissed him—soft, slow, chaste. A gift, Rami realized. He took a breath, then broke away and leaned his head on Skye’s shoulder. “I want to see you again. I don’t want to wait two weeks this time.”
“Then we won’t. My schedule can be hectic, but it gets quiet. And I know you probably have a filming schedule too.”
Rami nodded and waited for Skye to look up at him. “I’ll make time too. And, um.” He hesitated, but he knew what he wanted to say. “You can watch. If you want.”
Skye looked startled. “Are you sure? Sweetheart…”
“It might be nice knowing someone’s watching that knows me. That…that knows I’m not just some freak showing off for money.”
“Is that what you think people see?”
“Some people. It’s okay,” Rami said in a rush. “As long as they pay me, they can say whatever they want.”
Skye burst into laughter and kissed him again. “You are perfect.”
“No,” Rami said sternly.
Skye shrugged and tugged him as close as he could, bodies pressed together. He was still smiling. “Fine. You’re not perfect. But you’re perfect enough. Fair?”
Rami wouldn’t answer that because he didn’t believe it, but the fact that Skye did made him grin and cling on just a little tighter and a little longer before circumstance pulled them apart once more.