Chapter 4
Here for Myself
Zahirah
My head was throbbing by the time we made it back to the dorm room. I didn’t know if it was from being hit with the football or from the tears I tried to hold back. I almost didn’t answer Erica’s call because of it.
However, she’s the only one I can talk to about this. Arlene was kind enough to go get us something to eat while I took the call. I was grateful for that.
I don’t want my roommate to know how stupid I’ve been. Now, after crying into my phone—telling my best friend what happened between me and her brother—I get how huge this mistake is. I don’t know what made me think this was going to be some great love story.
“Hey, I’m here for you if you need to talk,” Arlene says as she devours her fries.
“Thanks,” I murmur and run a hand under my nose.
I’m still curled up on my bed, sniffling and feeling too pitiful to eat. I just don’t understand. The Bentley I know would have treated me with kindness and made sure I was okay.
This Bentley felt so cold and distant. Why was he so rude? He was even curt with his friends.
Okay, he has a girlfriend. I can’t really be upset about that. Bentley Coswell is gorgeous. All that thick chocolate-brown wavy hair, those hazel eyes, and that sexy grin.
At six-four, he has always towered over me. Every time I would have a growth spurt, I used to pray to be taller like him. Only for him to shoot up several inches. When I capped at five-six, I gave up hope of at least getting to six feet.
I’m not too hopeful for that last four inches. That girl had to be at least five-nine with her long legs. If she’s Bentley’s type, I really am delusional and should have gone to the school my parents wanted me to go to.
I had hoped I had a shot. Bentley dated Vanessa Stanley his senior year. They broke up right after prom.
She was pretty and brown like me. Almost my height and everything. People at school often mistook us for sisters.
“Your food is getting cold. You should at least try to eat something,” Arlene says with a plea in her voice.
“I don’t have an appetite.”
Her shoulders sag and she turns back to her burger. I sit and continue to remain lost in my thoughts. I mean, how did it come to this?
I should’ve known he would be attached to someone. I guess I was so deep in my delusion I never took any of that into account. I would be fine with that. I would have still had my friend at least.
I get that once he graduates from college, his life is going to change and I probably won’t be a part of any of that, but I thought we’d have these two years to make a few more memories.
I’ve seen all the Coswell kids as friends all my life. Bentley is no different. He used to carry me around on his back, the same as he did with Erica, Lauren, and Tara.
He’s bandaged a knee or two for me and has handled a few bullies to protect me. Not wanting to lose any of that as a child who grew up without siblings, I thought this was a fantastic idea.
“I’m so stupid,” I sob to myself.
“I highly doubt that. You got into this place. You can run like a Tasmanian devil and this place wouldn’t have accepted you if your grades were crap,” Arlene says.
“Like my mom says, book smarts and common sense don’t always hang out together.”
“I like that one. I’m stealing it,” she says and comes over to sit on the edge of my bed. She reaches to tuck a lock of hair that has slipped from my ponytail behind my ear.
“Let’s see how good I am at reading between the lines. From his reaction and yours I gather you know Bentley Coswell. However, that reunion didn’t go as you had expected.
“Now you’re questioning yourself and your decision to come here. Am I right?”
“Yeah, something like that. Bentley is my next-door neighbor and my best friend’s older brother. We were both going to come here together. She changed her mind, but I thought I’d still come since Bent and I have always been friends.
“I have no idea who that was. He treated me like a stranger. I’ve never been so embarrassed in my life. And I’ve torn a swimsuit during a swim meet before.
“I still think that was sabotage, but I didn’t feel this humiliated then. I don’t understand why he was so cold to me,” I choke out.
“Boys are stupid. I stopped trying to understand them a long time ago.”
“Yeah, well, maybe I should do the same.”
“Honey, you’re gorgeous. There are plenty of mistakes to be made on this campus and I can’t make them all by myself. That means you have to make the other half.
“I say you forget all about him and find someone else to welcome you to campus properly. There’s a party tonight. I was invited while getting our food.
“How’s your head? Do you think you’re up for a frat party with your new bestie?”
Erica’s words come back to me. This is your first year of college. Fuck my brother, he can be such an idiot. Forget about him and make the best of your college years. You’ve made this too much about him; now make it about you.
She had a point. Both she and Arlene are right. Bentley can do whatever he wants. I’m here for my education and a chance to run competitively.
Heck, they have a great swim team here as well. I turn eighteen in two weeks and I’m not going to do that while sulking over a stupid crush. My tears dry up and I sit up.
“Sure, why not?”
Bentley
I haven’t been able to get my sister’s words out of my mind.
I never thought of how much my life would change when it comes to those close to me once I get drafted.
Yeah, I know the fame and money will come.
But I didn’t think about how much I’m not like Erica and Lauren.
They plan to return home after college to work in our hometown and start a family there.
I’ve always taken for granted that they will all be there when I return.
Like frozen figures in a snow globe, waiting for my attention to return to them.
To hear that Zah doesn’t think she’ll fit in that picture doesn’t make sense to me.
However, now that it’s been said, I can’t get it out of my mind.
“Fuck, she came here for one last chance to be a part of my life,” I say as I stare down into my lap.
Like a little sister missing her big brother, and here I’ve fucked it all up. I don’t know where life will take any of us, but I understand what Erica tried to get through to me. We’re all growing up and life is changing.
Our paths might not meet up the same and with my future set to be in the league, I might not have the same circle when I do return home. This has been a huge dose of reality for me. I’m also flattered Zah would choose to come here to have this time with me.
“You’re an absolute moron,” I breathe.
I should be getting ready for the party we’re throwing tonight, but I’ve been sitting here with my towel still around my waist, lost in my thoughts. I feel like such an asshole. There has to be a way to make this up to Zah.
Erica has never chewed me out so badly before. Knowing I hurt Zah’s feelings makes me sick to my stomach. If only she didn’t reduce my brain to mush.
“Bro, they’re looking for some muscle to help with the kegs downstairs. You almost ready?” Corey pops his head into my room.
“Yeah, I’ll be there in a bit. Hey, man, did you catch up with Zah and her friend?”
“I ran into her friend Arlene in the cafeteria, she’s her roommate. I gave her my number and told her what to look out for. She said your girl was fine, just a little shaken up. I think when Jason tipped the ball, it took some of the speed off as it slipped through his hands.”
“Bro, it wasn’t a dart. It was a floater. Jason was complaining they were stinging his hands. I took some of the heat off,” I say, hoping like hell I only hurt her feelings.
“I hope so. Maybe she’ll feel up to coming out tonight and you can apologize in person. Jason is going to have to tighten up on those butterfingers, though, if we’re going to make a bowl this year.”
“You’re telling me. It’s no wonder they’ve been recruiting new receivers so hard,” I snort.
Corey raps his knuckles on the doorjamb as he laughs. “See you downstairs, bro. Tonight is gonna be epic,” he croons and turns to walk away.
I stand and walk over to the mirror in my room. I run my hand through my wet locks as they curl and wave wildly around my face. For all the confidence I give off, I’m nervous as fuck when it comes to the thought of Zah showing up for this party.
I flex my pecs. I’m a lot bigger than I was the last time she saw me back home. Does she like shit like this? Should I cut my hair?
Fuck.
Why does she fuck with my head so much? It should be easy between us since I’ve known her all my life. Zahirah is the only girl who can make me blush and turn my stomach into knots. Yet I seem to put my foot in my mouth every time she’s near me.
“Pull it together, bro,” I say to my reflection.
I shrug my thoughts off and head to get dressed. There’s no way she’s coming tonight after getting hit in the head. Besides, tonight I need to break things off with Carly.
The tantrum she threw when my sister called was a turnoff. My family will always come first. That includes Zah.
It’s time I bring an end to our annoying situation. It’s been a long time coming. What’s the point in dragging it out?
Tossing on a pair of jeans shorts and a polo shirt, I then shove my feet into a pair of high-top sneakers. I spray on some cologne and brush my hair to try to tame it. One last glance in the mirror and I’m off to help out downstairs.
I try my best to clear my mind of what happened earlier and the call from my little sister. Tomorrow I’ll figure out how to make things right with Zah. Her birthday is coming soon.
Maybe I’ll get her something nice or take her out somewhere. She doesn’t know the area yet. She might like that. A new memory.
“Yo, Bent, where you been? I could use your help, man,” Dustin calls as I come down the stairs.
“I’m here now. What do you need?”
“I have two more kegs that need to go out back. The DJ needs a table and there’s something wrong with the bathroom down here again.”
“I’ll get him the table. We should lock that bathroom for the night, send everyone upstairs. Let’s get to those kegs after I bring in the table. Cool?”
The guys call me the organizer. They all act as if they can’t put A and B together without a coach. As team captain, I’m used to it.
“Yeah, that works. I’ll lock the bathroom. That’s a good idea. It will only be busted halfway through the night anyway,” he says and heads to lock the bathroom.
I get to work on my tasks and have the DJ set up in no time. It’s as I’m helping with the last two kegs that I feel eyes on me. I turn to find Carly staring at me.
Yup, this ends tonight. Perfect timing.