Chapter 24
Empty Hearts
Zahirah
“How are you girls holding up?” Mrs. Gunderson asks as Erica and I sit on the couch in the Coswell home.
Our moms decided to do a joint funeral and repass. We’ve been asked the same question more times than I can count. I’m still trying to make sense of what’s even happening.
Everything feels empty: our home, these people’s words, everything. I don’t want to be here because I don’t want this to be real.
How can the two men who raised and looked out for me all my life just be gone? That stupid truck driver took them from us. Why didn’t he pull over?
Why didn’t he get more rest before getting out on the road? Now two of the most important men in my life are gone. I’ll never hear my daddy’s voice again, I’ll never see his smile or have a talk with him.
“We’re not,” Erica chokes out beside me, pulling me from my thoughts. “We’re not holding up. In one single moment, our fathers have been taken from us.
“Holding up? I don’t know if my family will ever be the same again. We’re not holding up at all. We’re barely breathing.
“I get it. You’re all trying to be kind and don’t know what to say. Guess what?
“We have no words. Our hearts are broken, and we’re all lost as fuck. Excuse my language.
“My father wouldn’t have liked that, but ma’am. We’re not holding up and if one more person asks that question …” Erica shakes her head and gets up to run off.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean—”
“It’s okay. She’s right. We’re not okay. Thank you for being here,” I say and push up to get up and grab my crutches.
I do my best to hobble after Erica. It looks like she raced out the back door.
I get to the sliding doors and see her sitting in the grass with Tara and Lauren.
My heart breaks a little more when I spot Bentley sitting on the swing set, not that far from them.
His head is hung, and his shoulders are slumped.
We haven’t had much alone time since arriving back home to support our moms. Being an only child, I’ve spent most of my time with my mother helping her make the arrangements. Mom, being Mom, has tried to be strong for everyone.
However, I’ve heard her breaking down at night. The sobs have been tearing me apart. This all hurts so bad.
“Hey, you need some help?” Garret asks as he appears.
Bentley lifts his head and turns in my direction. In the next breath, he’s on his feet, rushing to help me off mine. He lifts me into his arms as Garret takes my crutches.
Returning to the swing with me in his embrace, he then retakes his seat and places me on his lap. Tightening his hold around me, he buries his face in my neck and inhales deeply.
“I’m sorry I haven’t been there for you. I’ve just—”
“Bentley, don’t. I understand. You lost your father too. This isn’t just happening to me.”
“It shouldn’t be happening to anyone. This is so wrong. They were going to the golf course. Two friends going to have a good time and a few laughs.
“Two fathers wanting to unwind after a week of providing for their families. Two best friends.” He pauses and swallows hard. “Two best friends spending their last moments together.”
“This hurts so bad. I don’t know what to do,” I breathe.
“Me either, baby. Me either.”
***
“Hey, Mom. Can I help you with anything?” I ask as I enter the kitchen.
“Uh, no. I have everything covered. Fran needed a break, so she went upstairs. I’m just trying to get all this food put away.
“You get off that leg and have a seat. Hearing your voice will do a whole lot for me right now.”
I move over to take a seat. Everyone else went for a walk, not wanting to come back into the house.
Bentley offered to give me a ride on his back, but I didn’t want to be a bother.
The last thing we need is for him to get injured trying to take care of me.
Besides, I thought they could all use some time as siblings.
Not that they don’t treat me as one, but this is different. I belong here with my mom. I can see the cracks she’s trying to glue together by sheer will.
“What do you want to talk about?”
“How’s school?”
“Oh, that’s not a great topic,” I snort.
“What? What’s going on, Zah?”
I sigh. “I’ll only tell you if you promise not to worry about it.”
“Now I’m worried about it. Talk to me, girl.”
I purse my lips. I hadn’t planned to tell her about this, but it’s happening, so I might as well. I’m going to need to make a decision.
“I’m losing my scholarship because of my injury. I’ve been in touch with Coach to see if she could pull some strings to at least cover the rest of the semester.
“I got a text this morning that there may be a way. However, next semester I’m on my own. I can apply for an academic scholarship, or I could come home and go somewhere else.” I shrug.
“What would you like to do?”
“I don’t know. Erica transferred to be there with me and Bent. He’s graduating and I’m losing my scholarship. Where does that leave her?”
“Erica will be fine. I’m asking you what you want to do. If you want to continue there and finish your degree, we’ll make it happen. Scholarship or not.”
“I can’t ask you for that.”
“I’m your mother. You’re not asking me for anything I’m not going to do for my baby. I know your father and I didn’t want you to leave, but we were proud of you. I know he would want you to do whatever your heart tells you.”
“Can I think about it. I kind of don’t know what’s up or down at the moment and I don’t think I should be making any decisions about anything until my head clears a bit.”
“Oh, I understand. I still have a lot to figure out. My best friend is gone, and I don’t know what to do without him.
“I just have to keep moving for now. If I stop, I’m going to fall apart. I need to be doing something,” she says sadly.
“I saw that fabric in your craft room. You want to make a day of it tomorrow?”
“I would love that. It’s been so long since we’ve spent the day crafting together. That’s a great idea.”
Bentley
“Someone tell me this is going to get better,” Lauren says somberly.
“I don’t know that any of us can,” Garret replies.
“Hey, at least we all have each other. Zah has no one. We’re lucky to have each other to help support Mom,” Erica says.
My heart tightens. She’s right. I have five siblings I can lean on and who can lean on me.
However, I’ve been feeling too lost to be there for Zah or anyone else. I don’t know what to do for anyone. The pain is searing so deep I can’t think at times.
“I hate this. I hate that I can’t fix this for her. I hate that I can’t be what she needs.
“I hate that she was robbed of her father and our dad. I want to make this go away for her, but I don’t know how to fix it for me. I feel so fucking guilty for not being what she needs right now.
“It’s making me sick, but I’m so fucking broken. I can’t fucking breathe,” I sob.
My brother, Garret, pulls me into a hug and my sisters and little brother join in as I cry. Garret tightens his hold on me. It’s like he’s the only thing holding me together.
“It’s going to be all right. Zahirah is strong. She knows you’re hurting as much as she is. Don’t be so hard on yourself,” he says into my ear.
“I’m supposed to be strong for her. She has so much shit on her shoulders right now.”
“And so do you, Bent. We’ll all try harder to be there for her, but you can’t put all this on yourself,” Erica says.
“Dad would say the best way to help someone else is to get right with yourself,” Tara says.
“I know that’s right,” Lauren says. “You have a dream to catch, big bro. We’ll look after your girl. We’re going to stick together.”
“I miss him so fucking much already.” I blow out a breath.
“You know he’s probably watching us right now, fussing that we’re avoiding the house while Mom probably needs us,” Garret scoffs.
“Tell me about it. I’m going to head back before he haunts me in my sleep,” Eddy says.
We all give a light chuckle and turn back for home. My heart is still heavy and feels like something is missing, but I’m glad to have my siblings. Erica takes my hand and gives it a squeeze.
The next thing I know we’re all holding hands, swinging our arms like we used to when walking with our dad. Lauren begins to sing one of the songs we would sing with him, and the next thing I know, we’re all singing with her as we make our way home.