Chapter 31
Riley
There's no point in trying to ignore the look on Sage's face, but that hasn't stopped me from attempting to do just that for the last half hour.
"What?" I grumble.
"You'd be more comfortable back at your own place," she says as she hands me a blanket. "I've had that couch since college, and it's a backbreaker."
"It's fine," I assure her, taking the blanket from her hand. "Thank you."
"Are you going to tell me why you're avoiding your perfectly decent home?"
I busy myself with unfolding the blanket and situating the pillow she has given me at the far end of the sofa.
"I think I already know," she continues, knowing I'm not interested in answering, but my friend is not going to let me off the hook that easily.
We're close, but I've never shown up on her doorstep needing a place to stay.
"But for the life of me, I'm having a hard time wondering why you'd rather suffer on my crappy couch than go home to that hunk of man you claim is sleeping in the guest bedroom."
"Sage," I grumble.
"Riley," she returns in that same tone.
I can't help the way my lip twitches as I fight a smile.
"I don't—"
My words fade away when my phone rings. I reach for it, noticing his name for the fifth time today. I send it to voicemail, wondering why he's been so pushy. I know there isn't any sort of emergency. If something happened in town, we'd know about it. Just like we know Ruth ran out of chicken and dumplings before the dinner crowd could even get off work today down at the diner.
Things in Lindell never stay a secret .
That means that the breakup or whatever it is that Mac wants to talk to me about will start bouncing around in people's whispers before morning, so why waste time talking about it? We can just make a clean break from each other and be done with it. There's no reason to spend time discussing it.
I refuse to cry in front of the man, and I know the second he vocalizes the reminder that this was just supposed to be a little fun between the two of us and nothing serious, then the floodgates will open. I'll save that embarrassment for another day. Thank you very much.
I don't know if it was the way I was looking up at him this morning, but I have no doubt he saw the stars in my eyes, and it made him want to bolt out the door.
It doesn't matter that he claimed me. I could hear the possession in his tone when he mentioned the damn Tate brothers. But just because he doesn't want me to have sex with other people doesn't mean he wants to be in any sort of situationship with me .
"That's him, right?" Sage asks, unwilling to just leave well enough alone. "I know it's him because I'm the only other person who calls you."
"Thanks for reminding me how much of a loser I am," I mutter as I drop down onto the couch.
I don't know why I'm fighting this conversation with her so hard. I know it's going to happen. Getting it over with and out of the way is probably better.
"It's not just him," I confess. "It's all of it."
"Explain all of it ," she says as she takes a seat to my right in the high-back chair that looks even less comfortable than her old, lumpy sofa.
"My business is a failure and because I've tried to invest so much into it, my savings are all but gone. I love the hours I work at the store for you, but I'm going to have to find a more permanent position somewhere else just to make ends meet."
"Running a business is hard," Sage says, and I know she isn't saying that just to placate me.
She's had her own struggles with trying to keep the doors open at That's Another Story . It's not easy to make a business work when you're dependent on such a small group of people.
Lindell is a small community, and as much as they like to support local businesses, everything is less expensive online. Who can fault anyone for saving their hard-earned money by finding things at a lower price?
"I've drained my accounts to the point that I don't even have enough to move back to the city and try to start my catering business there," I continue. "I've backed myself into a corner, and from where I am right now, I don't see any other alternative other than giving up on my dream."
My friend pulls in a deep breath, and I sort of love her a little more for not spouting off suggestions as if drastic changes are easy to make with one simple conversation. She takes a moment to mull over what I've said before speaking, and in the meantime, I wring my hands in my lap, feeling utterly defeated.
The situation with Mac is just like the straw that's threatening to break it all. I let myself get attached to a man who doesn't do attachments, and that's on me. I don't need an I changed my mind conversation with him to know what he's going to say. I can do without the kick while I'm down.
"Maybe you don't give up on the catering goals completely. Maybe you just put them on the back burner until it's a more optimal time for you."
"I feel like every moment of my life has been one thing after another on the back burner," I mumble, fully accepting this pity party I'm having for myself right now.
"I understand that," she replies. "I wish I had a magic wand that I could wave and make it all better."
"Wouldn't that be nice?"
My phone chimes, telling me that he left a message this time. I ache to reach for my phone and listen to what he has to say, but I don't think my fragile emotions can take anything else negative right now.
"I bet he would help you," Sage says, once again making me wish I'd found a hole to crawl into rather than put myself in front of anyone else.
This whole situation would be a hell of a lot easier to deal with if I hadn't confided in anyone else. Failing at the business, failing at whatever was going on between Mac and me. It's all just too much, and having witnesses to it makes it ten times worse.
"He only wants to fuck me," I say as I lift my eyes to hers.
"I don't think that's the case," she says, her tone soft as if she's doing her best to convince me to change my mind about something, as if I have any control over how someone else feels.
"I don't end up with the prince," I say as I lean to the side and let my head fall to the pillow.
"How do you know?"
I give her a wry smile, pulling in a deep breath.
"I just know."
Sadness coats her face, but she doesn't argue any further with me.
"You're going to hate yourself for choosing to sleep on that couch. "
"The pillow smells nice and clean," I say, pulling the blanket to my nose and drawing in a deep breath. "The blanket, too."
"I owe that to those sachets I bought at the Christmas fair last month," she explains. "I felt like I was swindled into buying them because the money was going toward gifts for Claire's daughter, but it really was a great purchase."
"I donated a little money rather than buying something I wouldn't use," I explain, grateful she's willing to change the subject after saying her piece rather than harping on me about it.
"You know me," she says as her grin grows wider. "I want something for my money."
I chew the inside of my cheek as I consider the ramifications of what I want to get off my chest. If I say them out loud, I can't take them back. But there's so much eating away at me, it's starting to feel like acid in my gut.
"Do you remember that summer you spent helping your grandmother before she passed away?"
Sage nods, a soft, sad smile on her face.
"I told you that summer about the party I was brave enough to go to."
"And the seven minutes in heaven," she says, her dimples popping proudly when her smile grows wider.
Sage and I were friends back then, but we weren't best friends. I kept a lot of stuff close to my chest because I never knew who I could trust and who I would tell things only for them to go behind my back and make fun of me. Despite our town being small, some of the kids were still very mean, mostly out of boredom, I think.
"Wait," she says, her head tilting as if things are starting to fall into place. "It was Mac?"
I dip my head. "It was Mac. I had the biggest crush on him back then, and after that kiss, I just knew I was going to marry the guy."
"If I recall, you said it was more than a kiss."
My cheeks heat. "He tried to slip his hand up my shirt, and I stopped him. I was terrified. That kiss was as far as I'd ever gone, and it was just moving way too fast."
My heart pounds in my chest recalling that first kiss we shared, and it's very similar to the way it pounds when I've been in his arms, being a lot more intimate than I let things get that day in the closet .
"He asked me not to tell anyone," I confess. "It seemed like no big deal at the time, but now that I think about it, I imagine he didn't want anyone to know what happened."
"Boys are idiots," Sage says.
I huff a humorless laugh before continuing. "I was so enamored by him, I think I would’ve done whatever he said. I thought it could be romantic. We could be a secret, and even if he didn't want to tell anyone about us, having any part of him was enough."
"Oh, Riley," Sage says, her tone full of pity and empathy.
"Only when I got back to school in the fall, he never looked at me twice. It was as if it never happened. I was heartbroken. That same heartbroken girl was the same one who got giddy at the idea of hooking up with him that night at the bar."
"You deserve better," she says.
"I do," I quickly agree.
"Has he been mean to you? Was he mean to you back then when you confronted him about it?"
"Confronted him? Do you even know me? I never approached him."
Her lips form a flat line. "That tracks."
"He told me this morning that we need to talk, so I imagine it's going to be more of the same. Probably that we agreed to this sex-only thing, and then I showed up at his house with a smile and a casserole like we're some happy couple. He wants to talk it out, and I feel like it's a waste of time. I don't need him to sit me down like a toddler and explain what this is, but I'm not going to be his toy any longer either."
"What happened with the whole possessive claiming thing?"
I shrug. "Who knows?"
"Maybe the conversation isn't going to be what you think it is."
"How could it be anything else?" I argue. "I have enough trouble in my life right now. I don't need some guy clogging my judgment. It's better this way."
"It's better on my crappy sofa?"
I release a long, slow breath. "Anything is better than having to sit and talk with him while he shoots me down."
"I don't-" Her words halt as she lifts her hands near her ears.
"Thank you," I tell her.
"No," she says, a renewed determination in her tone. "I can't just sit here and let you get down on yourself. You're worthy of love, Riley. And you're also my best friend, so I get to disagree with you. I don't think the conversation is going to go the way you imagine it will. He's not some teenage boy in need of worrying about his reputation. You're a fabulous, beautiful woman, and he'd be lucky to have you. I think you need to have the conversation, and if it does go the way you think, then kick him in the shin and walk away. But I think you're going to be surprised at the outcome, and not in a negative way. That man is smart enough to see what he has standing in front of him."
"And if he isn't interested?"
"Then you'll know, and you can move on instead of worrying about the answers to questions you're too afraid to ask."
"That simple?"
"I'm not going to try and convince you that it'll be an easy conversation, and you're more than welcome to approach it however you need to, but I'd want to know. The guessing would drive me insane."
"I'd rather just stick my head in the sand," I mutter.
"That's the girl in high school who thinks she only deserves what little amounts people are willing to give her. You aren't that woman any longer. I'll leave you with that to think about," she says as she stands. "I’m just down the hall if you need anything."
I force my eyes closed, but there's nothing that can turn my mind off. I don't want to give my aching little heart any more hope.
I realize that it's Sage's job as my best friend to build me up and help me gain some of the confidence I seem to have lost, but that won't change the way Mac truly feels about me.
I don't know when I finally managed to drift off, but I spent the night on the lumpy sofa tossing and turning, wishing everything in my life was different.