19. Abigail – “I’ve found that no matter what life throws at me, music softens the blow.”-Bryce W. Anderson
19
Abigail
“I’ve found that no matter what life throws at me, music softens the blow.”-Bryce W. Anderson
“Nope, hell no. It's not what I had in mind at all. I’ll just figure something out.” I rush out of the front door, and Josh grabs my arm.
“Geeze, when did you get so fast?” I say as he whips me around to face him. “Are you planning on playing football too?” I joke.
“No, but what is your other option? Huh? Go back to your parents? Where you know you can be triggered back into the dark place you were when I met you? Lose all the progress and hard work you put into yourself?”
I close my eyes and shake my head slightly. This is why I couldn’t wait to make my own money. I hated relying on anyone, especially a man.
“No, I’ll just have to,” I take a deep breath, as I feel my head spin, exhaling my frustrations out through my nose. “I don’t know. I guess it will take longer to get through med school. Hell, maybe I’ll start stripping. It can’t be that bad but I’m sure not going to stay here and be under his wing. Taking handouts. Fuck that.” I wave a hand in Colt's direction.
“Ash.”
Now that I know Josh is related to Blake, too, it makes sense why he calls me that. His nickname, Ash, reminds me of when Blake called me Abs.
“Ash, it wouldn’t be like that.” He takes a step closer.
“Are all Killian boys so in your face?” I asked, deflecting from the situation.
“Please, even your counselor said that being around your parents can trigger your eating disorder.”
He was right, but what scared me the most was I don't know why. Why did my parents hate me? Why did they treat me so differently than my sister? Why were they so hard on me? Was I really that ugly in their eyes?
“Think about it. Colt won’t be at the apartment at all, he has another house in the city. I mean what is the big deal? You save money, and you are away from your parents. It's a perfect solution.”
“I don’t take favors. Especially from guys like him.” I point in the direction of he house.
“It’s a favor for me, not you.”
I huffed out a laugh. “Ya, we both know that’s bullshit, Josh.”
“It is not.”
“Why, did you tell him?” I snap my gaze to his, narrowing my eyes on him.
“No,” He holds up his hands in surrender. “I swear. You know I don’t air out anyone’s dirty laundry.”
I fold my arms across my chest and glare at Josh.
“But he does know I’m concerned, and I think this is the best solution. You stay here for the summer, save up what you need, and by the end of the summer, we’ll reassess what we need to do by that point. Okay?”
He eyes me like a wild animal that’s about to strike and maybe I am acting deranged. But my emotions are all over the place and I don’t know what to think. Should I accept? I know Colt has to want something in return. No one does favors for free.
“What are the conditions?”
“None, just keep the place clean and when the main house is being rented out be mindful. Courteous. That sort of thing.”
I narrow my eyes on him, giving him the death stare, the one he knows I mean business with.
“Josh,” I say in a motherly tone. One that would be used in interrogating her child.
He groans. “Damn it Asher, you always have to be so stubborn?”
“No, I just know Colt’s not the type to give handouts, freely. That’s for damn sure. His head is already too big for his body.”
“Okay, Okay, all he wants is to take you to coffee. So you guys can talk about Blake. I wasn’t supposed to say anything until you agreed.” He squints one of his eyes at me as if he’s expecting me to slap him.
“I knew there was a catch,” I threw my hands in the air.
“Ash,” not waiting a second before I can flee, he grabs my arms and forces me to look at him.
“He’s hurting too. He has blamed himself for years when it’s his father who should be carrying this guilt. Maybe this will be good for both of you.”
I laugh in his face. “Highly doubt that.”
“No, I’m serious. He has a son who’s never really had a mother figure, but maybe you can change that and be there for Bodie, too.”
“Great, so now I'm a charity case.”
He rolls his eyes. “No, you know that’s not what I mean. You told me you want to help kids, especially little girls, to never feel like you did growing up. Well, guess what? That poor child of his is lost and clings to any woman that comes around, including your self-centered cousin.”
“So he brings a bunch of women around?”
“No,” he starts pacing. “No, the only person he’s brought around since Bodie’s mom is Namoi, but that’s beside the point. You could be a good influence on him. This could all turn out to be a great way to be around young kids. Give you experience. Hell, just helping Bodie out in a way that a father can’t is therapeutic. You women love to fix broken men.”
Blake comes into mind, and I wonder if Josh is thinking the same thing I am. But you can’t fix anyone when you’re already broken, too.
“I thought you said they won’t be around if I stayed here?” I asked.
“Jesus Christ. Okay, fuck it. Go back to your parents.”
“Okay, okay, I’m sorry, it’s just-” I pull on my hair that lies over my shoulder, ‘I hate this. I hate relying on anyone, especially a man.”
“I know, but you wouldn’t be. You would be doing him a favor, trust me. He needs this too, Ash.”
As I stared at Josh, I hated to admit this, but a part of me knew he was right. And now that I know Colt has a son, I didn’t mind the thought of being around just for the sake of his child. I'm sure Colt, the football star who’s entirely into himself, didn’t know the first thing about being a dad, since he had a shit role-model for one. I’m shocked he didn’t have a shrine of himself as the first thing you saw when you walked into his house.
Josh stops pacing, and I can feel his eyes on me. “Is that how you met him?”
I match his intense gaze, taking my time to answer. The anguish on Josh’s face is apparent. I had never seen him like this. Josh was always the fun, carefree man whore. But right now, he looked like he was about to cry.
“At the hospital? Were you sick like him?”
And I realized both Killian boys would need to hear the truth once and for all.
I agreed to go to coffee the following day to get this over with. When I returned home yesterday, my parents didn’t even ask where I was. I walked through the front door, and my dad was already passed out, I’m sure from drinking earlier, and my mom was in the kitchen watching her TV shows as she ate a sandwich. I even walked into the kitchen to grab water to see if she would say anything or acknowledge I was back. I was gone for almost eight hours, and they weren’t even concerned if I was alive or dead. Josh was right I needed to get out of here. Now that I've been away from this house, it almost creeped me out being here. It was eerily quiet. I regret all those times I cried from being homesick when I moved to California that first year. I wish I could take back all that energy I wasted on them. The only person who did deserve my tears was my grandma and sister. They were the only ones who treated me like a human being. Especially my sister. She’s been pretty protective over me. She was the only reason I even tolerated this place. It felt good to be back home, closer to her, but that was the only reason.
Once I was done packing, I threw my luggage in the back of my car. I decided to return every couple of weeks to get what I needed as the weather changed. I started the car, stared at the house one last time, and put it in reverse. Let's see how long it takes my parents to notice I’m starving this time.