20. Choices & Chokers
Chapter twenty
Choices & Chokers
Hands run through my hair, spreading it out.
Someone is listening to my music. Eighties pop.
“Why are you here?” I turn my face, taking in the faint scent of leather beneath me. “What time is it?”
The words are croaky with sleep. The hoarseness reminds me of last night, and I close my eyes, hoping it’ll vanish into a fucked-up nightmare I don’t have to face today.
“I didn’t know I needed an invitation.” Liam’s fingers don’t stop moving. I shift my head, taking in the jeans he wore last night. Grey lines of light slip between the window blinds. “After seven. I didn’t want you to wake up on your own.”
I drag myself upright, every muscle aching with remembered tension. “Where’s Lauren?”
God. My hands were buried in her hair. There might be a few dark strands still caught between my fingers, and I wipe them against my legs. “I’ll… apologize.”
He slept sitting up. His legs are stretched out on top of my blankets, his hair rumpled. “Jonas is with her.”
So he did stay with her. But the barb barely registers. I feel curiously numb.
Chewing on my lip, I flick a quick glance his way. “Is she…”
“She’s okay.” He doesn’t smile. “Are you?”
Am I?
“No,” I say eventually. “I don’t think I am.”
“Hey.” My face crumples, and Liam reaches for me. “Let it out.”
I crawl into his lap, winding myself around him. Liam wraps his arms around me, pulling a blanket up and over my exposed skin as my sobs grow louder. “We’re going to fix this.”
I desperately want to believe him. But I don’t think it’s possible. “This isn’t working.”
The NOC will come. They’ll separate us, and I’ll end up as one of those broken omegas in the brochure, pathetically hoping for a pack to come and scoop me out of my proverbial, abandoned gutter.
Or the Titans will split, any playoff chances destroyed when Carter destroys his pack for an omega that isn’t his scent match.
Whatever happens will happen because of me. Because I couldn’t cope.
“It was always going to take time.” He strokes down my back with heavy palms, keeping me tucked against him. “But we need to talk. Will you listen to me? Please?”
“Do I have a choice?” I mumble into his chest, and he sighs.
“Look at me.” He maneuvers me until we’re facing each other, my knees balanced on his ridiculous tree trunk thighs.
It’s like riding a surfboard. Liam cradles my face.
“For the next few weeks, I want you to do what I say, Ro. Not because I enjoy it, or because I don’t love you exactly the way you are.
But this is going to break you unless you bend with me.
You’re exhausted, because you’re in full on fight mode. You can’t sustain this.”
He looks how I feel. “I thought I was doing okay. I’m trying.”
Liam studies me carefully. “Are you?”
Instinctive sharpness hovers on my lips, but I swallow it. Biting his head off isn’t going to help any of us. It softens into shame the longer he watches me. He looks so… disappointed.
It hurts my chest. Tears blur my vision as I drop my eyes, my fingers discovering a loose thread on his jeans and fiddling with it.
Is he right?
I’m not sure I know the answer.
“Last night was my fault, and I’m sorry it happened that way.” Liam dips his face to search mine. “I’m still learning too. But you’re fighting this every single inch of the way, Rosie, and we’re not going to survive it.”
He strokes my cheek carefully, enunciating his words. “You are not going to survive it. Let me help you. Please.”
I wipe my eyes. “What does that even mean?”
“Let a few changes happen. Follow my lead. You don’t have to fight everything.” He wipes away tears for me. “A few weeks. Until Thanksgiving, or Christmas. All you have to do is that. And it will get easier, I swear.”
I thought I was already doing that. But… maybe not. “Is Jonas angry with me?”
“He’s a little upset.” Liam tips up my chin. “It was a pretty big ego hit. Not the end of the world.”
“And… Carter?” I lower my eyes. If anyone was going to be here when I woke up, I thought it would be him.
Liam doesn’t say anything. But his stomach muscles tense against my hands. My head shoots up. “What is it?”
My stomach rolls when he looks away. “Look… you were pretty out of it last night. He tried to pull you off Lauren, and you… you flipped.”
Liam blows out a breath. “You tore him up pretty good. His shoulder pulled out. He’s getting it looked at.”
His hands tighten on me when I jerk back. “He’s not angry with you, baby. You weren’t yourself.”
My breathing grows tighter. Harsher. “I… I hurt him?”
His shoulder. His season. My head shakes wildly. “I have to speak to him.”
“That’s not a good idea,” Liam says firmly enough that it feels like a wall. “He needs to focus right now. But he’s going to miss the Sharks game. Ness will put it out as a healthy scratch to the press so nobody looks too hard. Ethan will take the lead.”
I did this. Everything he’s worked for—I nearly took it from him because of my fucking temper tantrum. I fold forward, Liam holding me tightly. “He’s going to be fine.”
Despite me. Not because of me. “Will he need the surgery?”
“Hopefully not.” I can see the worry he’s trying to hide. “Do you understand what I’m saying?”
I’m breaking. And because I’m breaking, I’m breaking my pack.
Not Lauren. Me.
“I don’t know how to stop fighting.” I slam my palms into my eyes, pressing hard. “I can’t stop my instincts, Liam. This is who I am.”
“And I don’t want you to change.” He turns us until I’m laying back in my blankets, looking up at him. “But we need to handle it for a while.”
“I can do it.” He doesn’t look like he believes me. “I can.”
I feel sick. I will do it. I have to make this better.
I hurt him.
“You can’t carry this by yourself.” He cradles my face. “I thought about it all night, Ro. I have an idea.”
My brows draw together. “What idea?”
“Something to help you adjust. To get you through this so you don’t have to worry.” He searches my face for an answer I don’t have. “I can take it all away, Ro. The panic, and the fighting. You’re tearing yourself apart, baby.”
“You can’t do this for me.” I force a smile, only for it to waver when he doesn’t smile back. “Spit it out. What are you saying?”
“What if I could?” He glances over his shoulder. Faint echoes of conversation slip below the door. The others must be awake. My pulse spikes, and he turns back to me. “I can carry this for you. But you have to trust me.”
Tightness spreads across my chest. A growing suspicion.
“Do you mean…” My throat narrows enough that the words are hard to force out. They’re barely audible. “You’re talking about a bark.”
“Think about it.” My pulse spikes. I try to get up, but he nudges me back down into the blankets, his legs covering mine. Liam searches my face desperately. “It would only be temporary.”
“No. How can you even suggest that?” Horror makes me recoil, my head pressing back against my pillow. “They don’t work like that!”
Is that even possible? As far as I know, barks don’t last that long. But long enough and brutal enough that the NOC banned them years ago, somewhere around the time they decided we actually had a functioning brain and could think for ourselves instead of existing purely for an alpha’s knot.
“They can.” Liam blows out a breath. “This is what they’re for. To stop you from hurting yourself, to help you. As soon as things are settled, we’ll stop.”
“They’re illegal,” I hiss. “I can’t believe you’d consider this—”
“They’re permitted for lifesaving measures if an omega is putting themselves at risk.” My pounding heartbeat grows quicker at the look on his face. Liam presses his forehead to mine. “This is me saving us, Ro. You, me. Our pack—our life. You would be saving us. You’ll thank me when it’s done.”
He looks so earnest. So certain against my own unraveling panic, and I feel myself waver. “It would be temporary?”
“Of course.” He shakes his head. “They don’t work well long-term, and I’d never do that to you. Like I said. You have to trust me.”
“I…” My eyes slide to the door. “We should all talk about this.”
“You don’t think Carter has enough going on?” I flinch, and he presses his advantage. “All he’s doing is worrying about you right now, and he shouldn’t have to. Think about it, Ro. Everything settles. Today. Nobody has to know.”
Of course they would know. How could they not?
“Look at you,” Liam murmurs. “You’re spiraling again, Ro. This is the right decision.”
I… am. It’s hard to take in enough air. “What about a… a trial? We could try it once?”
Maybe it could work. Maybe it would soften this pain in my heart if I could hand it to him, let him look after it for a while.
“I’m your alpha.” He presses his lips to mine, gentle and reassuring. “Let me do this for you. Please.”
I’m breaking apart, and he’s offering me a solution.
And…he is my alpha.
My head bobs before I can stop it.
He exhales. “You sure?”
I nod again, not trusting myself with words. He reaches behind us for his phone, and I frown when he turns up the music. “Why the music?”
“It’s better not to be interrupted.” Liam settles himself back down, his weight a solid blanket of heat. I breathe in his scent as much as I can, hoping it’ll soothe the panic edging into my mind.
“We should wait,” I say hesitantly. “Give it a day or two.”
“To talk yourself out of it?” Liam shakes his head. “You said you’d try.”
I did say that. He shifts until he’s fully on top of me, and I look up at him. “What are you doing?”
“You’re going to feel a bit panicked.” He strokes my cheek. “Contact will help.”
I’m feeling more panicked by the minute. His words pull back the night they told me about Lauren—the sheer, overwhelming fear that swept over me, and I shrink back into the comfort of my nest at the memory. “Are you sure about this?”
“Yes,” he says instantly. “This will work. Look at me.”
He never second-guesses his decisions.
I need to trust him.
Why does it suddenly feel so hard?
“Wait,” I breathe. “Wait a minute. I need—"
His hand seals over my mouth. “Shhh. It’ll be over soon.”
I try to pull my hand away, to tell him, but he only presses harder. My eyes dip as I try to escape his grip. To escape him.
I’ve changed my mind.
Stop.
Stop.
His voice drops into the tone I’ve only heard once before. It sweeps across me, the room twisting and turning until all I can feel is an ice-cold wash of pure fear that swoops over my body, drowning me beneath the weight of his gaze. “You will be quiet until this is done.”
My legs kick frantically against my blankets. They’re wrapped around me, trapping me. The noises in my throat cut out, a power cord yanked out.
I am… silenced. My struggles increase.
“Stop fighting it.” He drops his forehead to mine. Pain pulses from my banged-up forehead as my body stills.
I’m drowning. In him, in them. Help me.
Stop. Please.
Liam pulls his face back. He looks so pale. But determined. Music fills the air between us with an upbeat melody that doesn’t fit. “You will stop fighting the changes in this pack. No arguing. No complaints. You will accept every decision we make.”
Tears spill from my eyes. I can feel a heaviness at the back of my throat. And I hate it already.
It’s a collar around my neck. A leash.
It’s done. That’s it.
But…he doesn’t stop.
Liam takes a breath. “You will not speak to anyone about this. Not Jonas, or Carter, or Lauren. You will not tell anyone inside or outside this pack about the bark.”
What? My throat tips back in a ragged gasp, the collar tightening.
I can’t stop him, trapped by his words as more of them settle over me, weaving into me, yanking me into obedience.
If you’re asked how you feel, you tell them you’re fine.
You’re adjusting.
You’re getting used to it.
You will do what I tell you, without complaint.
You will not do anything to alarm anybody within this pack.
You will not tell anybody that Lauren is a scent-match.
You will find me every morning, unless I say otherwise.
Hands stroke my skin, and it burns. “You’re doing so well, baby. Almost done. Let it settle.”
My sobs are silent, my body still.
All I can hear is the faint sound of my muffled breathing… and him.
When he’s done, we lay in silence. I stare at the ceiling, trying to find the pieces of myself scattered across this room.
I can’t find them.
Only him. There is only an alpha, and a bark. An omega, and an invisible collar.
“Fuck, that was intense.” Liam cradles my face. He swallows. “Talk to me, Ro. You okay?”
My eyes drag slowly to his. He winces. “Shit. Sorry. You can talk now. It’s done. How do you feel?”
You lied to me.
But the words don’t come.
“Fine,” I croak eventually. He lifts a finger to brush away the tears that still fall, touching his lips to them. I flinch away.
I feel… dirty. Sweat coats my skin, soaking the blankets between us. There’s a new layer sitting against my skin. I drag oxygen into my lungs, inhaling deeply, and choke.
“Steady,” he breathes into my neck. “It’s gonna be an adjustment. Let’s get you in the shower, yeah?”
My voice doesn’t sound like mine. “My… scent.”
The room is full of it. It burns my nose, makes my eyes water. Like burning plastic instead of cherry almonds.
“I know,” Liam says quietly. He looks at the door. “I already put some de-scenter in your shower. I want you to use it every day until that settles down. Make sure it’s thorough. Tell the others it helps you with the pack changes.”
I’m looking at a face that should be familiar. But I don’t recognize this alpha at all. “That was… thorough planning.”
The careful observation is as close as I can get to disapproval. My throat threatens to close up once more.
There will be no fighting. Not from me.
Not anymore.
Liam gathers me up. He carries me into the bathroom, carefully setting me down in the shower stall and cupping my cheek. Reaching for the shelf, he picks up a large, white, clinical-looking bottle and presses it into my hands. “I’ll sort out your nest, okay? You clean up. Take your time.”
I don’t want him to touch my nest.
But I also don’t want him touching me.
He raps his knuckles against the door before he leaves, offering me a sheepish smile and rumpling his hair. “I think this will really help us, Ro. Proud of you, baby.”
I nod.
Inside, I’m screaming.