Chapter 40
Chapter Forty
Matteo
The world was too bright when I finally managed to open my eyes, and I quickly shut them again, but not before I had caught a glimpse of Sophia.
Sophia and my daughter. My heart seemed to swell at the sight of them sitting together.
Her voice filled my mind, and for a second, I couldn’t understand what she was saying. Then, it hit me. She was reading Lily a story, a kid’s story, as they sat haloed in a beam of sunlight.
A small sigh left my lips, and I relaxed against the pillows as her voice washed over me. It was like all the tension melted away, although that might have been because of the drugs they were pumping into my veins.
No. I gave a small shake of my head. No, it wasn’t drugs. It was her. Sophia was the only drug I ever needed to feel better, and she was here.
That meant we had won. I didn’t know what had happened to Gio, but we had won, and that meant we were safe. Anything else could wait.
Again, my eyes blinked open, and this time I didn’t shut them again. Instead, I watched them from beneath my lashes.
How was it possible that they looked so comfortable together? It was almost like I was spying on them, looking through a window into a tiny part of their lives.
They were a family.
My heart gave another pang, and this time, the machines I was wired up to started to beep.
“Mommy.”
My daughter had the sweetest little accent. Across the room, she lifted her head from the book they were poring over, and our eyes met.
She looked like Sophia, but she had my eyes.
“Mommy,” she said again, more urgent this time. “Daddy is awake.”
She had called me Daddy.
Dropping the book to her lap, Sophia glanced at me and smiled. “I’ll get the doctor.”
“No.” My voice was a harsh whisper.
She froze, looking toward the bed.
“Don’t leave yet?” Jesus, why did my voice sound so uncertain?
Her smile was as uncertain as my voice. “You want me to stay?”
Mutely, I nodded. “For a little bit,” I managed the lie, because I wanted her to stay forever.
“Mommy!” Lily shouted in glee. Her small hands were clapping together excitedly. “Can we?”
Not waiting for an answer, she used the chair at my bedside to climb up onto the bed with me. Her small arms were flung around my neck with the next excited giggle.
Completely taken aback, I hugged her tiny body back and tried not to grimace.
“That’s enough, Lily.” Sophia tried to untangle the child from my arms. “You are being too rough.”
“It’s fine,” I said quickly. My child was hugging me. “Hello.” I held out my hand awkwardly. “I’m Matteo, and you are Lily, right? I’ve waited a long time to meet you.”
Her whole life, in fact.
Two chubby pink cheeks spread into a smile. “You’re my daddy, aren’t you?”
I glanced up at Sophia, but her face was impassive.
“Yes.” I dropped my eyes to my daughter’s face again. “Yes, I’m your daddy,” I said finally.
She nodded her head firmly. “You made the bad man go to sleep.” More nodding. “And then you went to sleep yourself. Mommy was worried. She cried a lot, I think she needs a nap and a snack but…”
I couldn’t help it. I laughed. Hovering at the side of the bed, Sophia rolled her red-rimmed eyes.
“Well, I’m awake now, so you can both…” I paused. What was I going to say? That they could leave and get some well-earned rest? I didn’t want that.
“I’m so very happy to meet you, Lily,” I said instead. “What story are you reading?”
Sophia did a double-take. “It’s just—"
“Show me.”
Lily scampered off the bed, retrieved her book, and then climbed back up. Only this time, she snuggled into my side and opened it.
“Is this your favorite?” I asked. She was five years old, and had a little personality of her own, and I knew nothing about her.
I wanted to change that. Starting now. I had so many years to make up for.
She nodded.
“Can I read it to you for a little while. Or are you too tired?” I asked her, but my eyes were on Sophia.
“I’m not tired,” Lily said with a yawn.
I stifled a smile and began to read.
Sophia pulled up a chair and listened as well. Time moved so fast, but at the same time, so slowly. I read the book, but I didn’t need to look down at the pages,
I knew them.
This was my favorite book when I was a child, so I already knew what each page said.
“She’s asleep,” Sophia murmured after a few minutes. The chair creaked as she stood. “I’ll move her and let you—"
I caught her wrist. “Don’t go yet. Don’t move her away from me.”
Why did my voice have to sound like that? Like I was desperate.
“We need to talk.”
Warily, she sat down again. “Yeah, I guess we do.” Her sigh was loud. “What do you remember?”
“I shot…”I lowered my voice to a whisper. The last thing I needed was some English nurse or doctor overhearing our conversation. “Gio.”
Pain flickered into her eyes, there and gone in a second, because she blinked it away. “He’s gone,” she whispered.
A fresh sort of pain lanced through me. I didn’t regret my actions. But once upon a time, he had been my friend. We had been closer than brothers, and I had killed him.
“I’m sorry…” I began to say, and she cut me off
“I am as well, but you did it to save us.” She glanced down at Lily, snoring softly, pressed against my side. I followed her gaze.
“He would have killed her…” Her voice broke. She lifted tear-filled eyes to meet mine. And there was bottomless pain in them. “He almost killed you.”
“I’m fine,” I lied. “You won’t get rid of me that easily.” I tried to crack a smile and failed. “Unless you want to get rid of me?” My hand was still wrapped around her wrist, our eyes clashed.
“The doctor….” she began to say.
“Can wait. I remember what you said, Sophia.” Her eyes grew round.
“In the car. I couldn’t see a damned thing, but I could hear your voice. It was the only thing that kept me anchored. Something solid I could hold on to.” Pulling her arm toward me, I pressed a kiss to each of her fingertips. “You told me I wasn’t allowed to leave you.”
Silently, she nodded, her eyes darkening. “I did. I didn’t want you to die.”
“Is that all that was? How about now? Do you want me to leave you now that you know I’ll be fine?”
“Matteo…” She looked away, and I felt my heart sink.
“It’s okay to want your freedom, Sophia.
” Every word I said felt like a razor blade in my throat.
“I owe you that if that’s what you really want, but I don’t want you to leave me.
My feelings for you have never changed. You not being in my life didn’t make me forget you.
It made me need you more. And now I know the truth…
” I glanced down at the sleeping form of our daughter and smiled.
I was a father.
“If you want your freedom, then I will give it to you, but I want to be in her life. She is one thing you can’t take away from me. I won’t allow that. I need to be allowed to be a dad to her.”
“I know. And I wouldn’t,” she blushed, “I mean, I did, but now you know.” Sophia shook her head.
“I wouldn’t stop you from having a relationship.
We will arrange something. I need to go over to the states to arrange,” more pain flickered across her face, “well, Gio isn’t around now, so I guess I have a lot of things to sort out and make better. ” She gave a small shrug. “It’s…”
“I’m glad you are going to be around a lot because I have to get back there myself and quickly. There’s some things I have to do there as well. But I want to spend time with you, as well as Lily. Please tell me you’re okay with that as well.”
She stared at me, and I could see the wheels turning in her head as she mulled over my words. I knew her. She was clever. Any second now, she would work it out.
“The apartment is yours to use as you want, and I’ll help…”
I knew the second she realized. Her eyes widened and then darkened into slits. Yanking her hand back from mine, she glared at me.
“I think we will be okay in a hotel.”
“Why? The apartment was bought for us. Before we even had sex, I bought it so we would have a place in the city after we got married. It’s as much yours as it is mine.”
Ten seconds passed. “That’s very kind of you, Matteo, but I have one question.”
I held my breath and waited for it.
“Why are you in such a rush to get back stateside?”
I shook my head.
At that moment, the doctor walked in, and we both turned to stare at him with open hostility.
Talk about bad timing.
“Not now, doc.”
“We need to…”
I cut him off with a guttural snarl. “I said not fucking now.”
He slunk away, closing the door behind him.
“Matteo?” Sophia’s voice was a whisper.
“You know why I need to get back Sophia.” I sighed.
She slipped her hand from mine. And my hand fell like a rock to my side.
She didn’t get it, even now. She didn’t get it.
How much I loved her, how much I couldn’t live without her.
“Because you’re getting married.” Her voice was flat, completely devoid of all emotion. Standing up, she seemed to shrink before my eyes. “That’s why you want to get back so quickly.”
“Yes.” I lifted my eyes to her. “Yes, I want to get married. If she will have me, that is.”