19. Tank
Tank
The floor is murder on my fucking spine, but I don't give a shit.
I've sat here on her carpet for… I don't even know how long it's been since I moved. Hours? Long enough that my left leg went numb a while back.
I'm sitting against the door because if anyone tries to come in, they'll have to go through me first, and because if Ellie wakes up and wants me out, I can get out fast.
She's sleeping peacefully now, her mouth soft and her hand tucked up under her chin. She isn't thrashing or muttering in her sleep anymore, which is a relief.
Dr. Price came this morning to check her vitals. He said she was past the worst of it and Cyrus asked a lot of questions. Dr. Price said she'd sleep hard for the next day or two and we should let her.
So I'm letting her.
I'm also watching her, afraid that if I blink too hard, she'll stop.
Through the door, I hear Cyrus and Jinx talking in the hallway. I can't make out the words at first, but I know the cadence of their voices.
And I know what they sound like when they're arguing.
They argue as much as they fuck, and I don't think they're aware of just how obvious they are on both fronts.
I shift my position and press my shoulder into the wood until the voices get clearer.
"He's still not picking up."
"He's not going to pick up, Cy. He's on a rampage. You know how Kade gets when he's on a fucking rampage."
"He could at least text."
I sometimes wonder what it's like to have normal people problems, but that's not my life and it was never going to be.
"I'm worried he's doing something stupid," Cyrus mutters.
"He hasn't," Jinx assures him. "I mean, no more than usual.
I'm watching Waterson's social media like a hawk, and he was just at some private party on the water.
He showed up with a blonde who is definitely not Marney, and left with her, too, which is a whole other problem for later.
So our favorite senator is still breathing. "
"Yeah, for now."
They keep talking but I stop listening because I'm already thinking.
I could do it.
And I could do it tonight. I've been thinking about it ever since I heard her screams.
It would be so fucking easy. Just get on my bike, find him in whatever hotel he's holing up in, and take his throat in my hands the way he clearly took hers.
Strangulation is personal, which is why I usually try to avoid it, but Todd would be a welcome exception.
I'd enjoy watching the light leave his eyes and the only part I wouldn't enjoy is that I couldn't communicate exactly why it was happening.
But he's a smart man. An evil man, sure, but a smart one. Maybe he'd know.
I'd get caught, probably. My face is not a face that blends into crowds, even with the mask. Cameras would catch me and witnesses would remember. There'd be evidence because there's always evidence when you act on feeling instead of plan.
Then I'd go to prison.
It doesn't scare me. I've done time before and I could do it again, easily, because this time, it would be for her. She's the only reason I didn't rack up more charges in juvie.
That was all that kept my hands still when the guards pushed.
There were days the urges almost won, but Ellie was always on the other side of it.
But Kade and Cyrus and Jinx would take care of her. They'd do it better than I ever could.
None of us deserve her, but me…
There's nothing for her to miss. Maybe she'd be better off, not having to live with a monster in her head and another one in her house.
I can't even look normal. Get rid of two monsters in one fell swoop.
She shifts under the blanket, turning her head on the pillow, and her bare foot pokes out a little, the one with the stick-and-poke tattoo on her ankle from Jinx. The hand that was curled up under her chin moves out along the sheet, searching for something.
"Tank?"
Her voice comes out in a little croak.
I move without deciding to, and stop myself short three feet from the bed. My knees lock up because the last thing she said to me with any clarity was get out, and I'm not going to inflict myself on her just because she said my name in her sleep.
Her eyes open, even greener now because the whites are bloodshot. They find me standing in the middle of the room and all I can think is I must look like a sleep paralysis demon.
Even with my mask.
"Why are you..."
She trails off and props herself up on one elbow, the blanket sliding down to her waist. She's still wearing one of my shirts, rumpled and too big, the collar hanging loose around her neck, and I see the knobs of her collarbone above it.
"Why are you all the way over there?"
I shift my hands to sign carefully where she can see.
You wanted me to leave.
She blinks at me and her eyebrows pinch together.
"Tank." Her voice sounds smaller now. "I don't remember a lot of the last few days, but whatever I said before..." She swallows, wincing as if it hurts to try to remember. "That wasn't me. You know that, right?"
I sign more slowly. You were sick.
She shakes her head. "That's not an excuse.
That's not a reason to…" Her eyes are wet again, and I watch her fight it the way she always does.
Ellie has never liked crying in front of people, even when we were young.
I still remember finding her on the playground that day, surrounded by Sherry and her crew of bullies.
She was in a new place, completely outnumbered by bigger, meaner kids, but she was still trying to be strong.
It's okay, I add. I'd hate me, too, if I were you.
Her eyes get so wide the black eats nearly all the green. "I could never hate you. I have never in my life come even close to hating you, Tank. Not once."
Her words reach a part of me that's desperate to hear them, but I don't know what to believe.
She reaches out with a shaking hand, and her fingers close as far as they can around my wrist, pulling gently.
"Come here. Please."
I let her pull me, and then I sit cautiously on the edge of the mattress.
She climbs into my lap and folds herself easily into the space between my arms. She was made to fit right here, or at least that's what my delusional brain tells me when she settles against my chest, so fragile and warm, with her face tucked under my masked jaw.
She doesn't even know what's under the mask.
She's seen the scars the ones the mask can't hide, and those are bad enough for her to have an idea, I'm sure. Everyone has an idea.
But the real thing is always worse. Even when I haven't seen myself in a long time, it's always a stomach-twisting shock when I fuck up and catch a glimpse. If she knew, she wouldn't want to touch me like this.
But my arms come up around her automatically. One hand at the small of her back, the other cradling the back of her head.
She's warm. Warmer than she should be, maybe, but not feverish anymore. The doctor is right, the worst has passed.
"I'm sorry," she whispers into my shirt. "I'm so sorry, Tank."
I shake my head. My chin brushes against her hair and I bring one hand around where she can see while I sign.
No sorry.
She exhales and her tears soak through my collarbone as she burrows closer.
I stroke her hair in long, slow passes. It's not tangled because Jinx brushes it, but it's fallen out of the braid he put in it last night, the strands still bent into waves. I'm afraid to disturb her by breathing, but I'll happily sit here until I pass out. Until the sun dies out, if she wants.
I want to ask her the question that's been torturing us all.
What did he do to you in that house?
I want to know about every mark he ever put on her, so I can put matching ones on his body before I end him.
But her breathing is already slowing. Her body is dead weight in my arms, and I decide the questions can wait. She needs rest right now more than anything.
"Don't go anywhere," she mumbles, half-awake.
I slip my fingers deeper into her hair and growl softly, which is the only real response I can give her. She understands, though. Ellie has always understood me in ways no one else, not Kade or even myself sometimes, ever has.
Her breathing deepens, and her hand, which was fisted in my shirt, relaxes until her fingers are just resting flat against my chest.
As I hold her, my thoughts drift back to Todd, and the idea of ending him right now.
Don't go anywhere.
I promised her I wouldn't, in my own way.
So I don't.
It's the only thing keeping me here. It's the same thing that's probably keeping Kade wherever he is, both of us not doing the one thing we're wired to do.
Because we love a girl who wants us to stay.