31. Ellie
Ellie
Ican't sleep, so I count the water rings on the coffee table instead.
There are only three, so I move my mug to make a fourth, which is also fucked up, so I move Jinx's abandoned glass to make five. Better. The ritual doesn't do what the pills used to do, because nothing does, but it gives my hands something to do that isn't shaking.
The house is too fucking quiet.
That's what's bothering me most, underneath everything else bothering me.
This house is never quiet. There's always Jinx narrating something, Cyrus's keyboard going, Tank's weights clanking in the garage, Kade's stupid lighter, or any combination of them bitching at each other.
Tonight it's just the sounds of the house and Cyrus and Jinx tiptoeing around me like I'm made of glass.
I've probably earned the right to be handled gently. I just hate it.
"You should sleep," Jinx says from the doorway. He changed into silk pajamas with some dark vintage jungle print, and he's holding two mugs of tea. "Doctor's orders."
"You're not a doctor," I say flatly.
"No, but we could always roleplay," he says, flashing me a grin. "I kind of enjoyed taking care of you while you were detoxing and I'd look hot in a lab coat."
I snort. "I'm not tired."
"There's no way that's physically true."
He sets a mug in front of me. Pink tea, the hibiscus one I adore. He drops onto the couch beside me, close, his bare foot hooking over my ankle.
"He'll come around," Jinx says. "Kade. Once we tell him about the letter—"
"He's not going to believe it."
"He'll believe it. He already wants to, so that helps."
Before I can respond, Cyrus tears into the room, which is my first cue something is wrong, because Cyrus always moves at his own pace. His phone is in his hand and his face is completely blank, which is never good.
"Cy?" Jinx is already sitting up, clearly picking up on the same signs.
"Kade's tracker went offline while he was tailing Todd," he says urgently. "Tank tracked it to the edge of Southside territory. His car went off the road and someone took him."
Time seems to slow down as those words sink in.
I'm off the couch so fast, my vision goes black around the edges, and Jinx grabs my arm to steady me, but he looks just as shaken. "Is he—"
"No," Cyrus says, interrupting the thought before it's even fully formed. "No, if he was dead, they would've left the body. Made it look like he was just driving reckless. If Southside took him, we have a chance to get him back. They'll be using him as leverage."
"You said he was tailing Todd when he wrecked." My voice comes out steady, which is a miracle, because I'm equally fucking destroyed on the inside. "Does he know? Did he figure out who Kade is?"
Cyrus doesn't say anything for a few torturous seconds. "There's no way of knowing," he finally answers. "But right now, we have to assume he does. I've already dispatched a few guys to the hospital, to make sure he doesn't get anywhere near your mother."
I grab the back of the couch. The hibiscus tea is still steaming on the table and all I can think about is that fucking letter.
He still thinks I wrote it. He doesn't know. If something happens to him out there, or even worse, if he…
I don't let myself finish the thought because I can't fucking handle it. I can't handle the thought of losing him all over again, and him thinking I really said those awful things. That he and the others meant nothing to me when they meant everything.
They're fucking everything, and they always have been.
Even when I hate them, I never stopped loving them. They never stopped being my boys, and I never stopped being theirs. We belong to each other, no matter what Todd or anyone else thinks. I've already lost enough.
Four years of my life, my identity, my freedom long before I ever signed Kade's contract, and now I might even lose my mother.
I'm not losing anything else.
"I have to go." I'm moving before I know where to. Toward the door, my shoes, and the car I don't even have keys to. "We have to go get him."
"Ellie." Cyrus catches my arm in that firm, gentle grip that usually makes everything feel like it's going to be okay, but tonight, nothing does.
"I've got a team tapping into every security camera I can reach in Southside.
Wherever he is, we'll find him, but like I told Tank, we have to know where we're going first."
"Tank is still out there?"
Jinx comes up behind me, wrapping his arms around my waist. I sink back into his chest, my muscles relaxing automatically even if my brain is ready to snap.
"He's coming home," Cyrus promises. "We're doing this as a unit."
The front door opens and my breath catches.
Tank fills the entire doorway, soaked through with cold and road grit covering his jacket. His mask is on, like always, but it's the leather one I've noticed he wears sometimes on missions rather than the simple black surgical mask.
To anyone else, he'd probably be an intimidating sight. To me, the sight of him means instant comfort.
I run into his arms and they wrap around me, strong and sure. The smell of his aftershave and leather wraps around me like a warm blanket, and I sink into his embrace, my fingers digging into the back of his jacket.
"Tank," I breathe in relief.
He's probably the only person on this planet right now who's at least as scared as I am.
He and Kade might not be blood brothers, but they're brothers in every way that actually matters.
Through everything, they've stuck together.
The trailer park, juvie, and all the hell they've endured in the underworld they came out ruling on the other side.
And me leaving.
That hits harder now somehow, knowing about that letter. Knowing what they've both thought I felt for them all this time.
Reading that letter made me see Kade's rage in a different light, and the same goes for Tank's acceptance.
He thinks I said those awful things about him. About all of them, and yet he's never once lashed out or treated me any different.
Why? Is it because he thinks he deserves it? Because he thinks those things are true?
I look up at him and see the soft, concerned shadow in his eyes as he studies me, his massive hand cupping my cheek, his thumb sweeping the hair out of my eyes. He makes a deep, worried sound that's close to a growl, but he doesn't need to speak or even sign for me to understand what he's asking.
Even now, even though he's the one who found the wreckage of where his brother was taken, he's worried about me.
"I'm fine," I assure him. It's a lie, but I tell myself it's a justified lie, all things considered. He has enough to worry about right now. I take his hand and it engulfs mine, warm even through the leather of his fingerless gloves. "We'll find him."
Tank nods once, but I can tell just being here is driving him crazy. He wants to be out there, with Kade. That makes two of us.
But Cyrus is right. We don't even know where he is right now and if Southside took him, they're going to try to send a message. Especially if Todd knows the truth about "Aiden Winthrop."
There might not be anything we can do right now for Kade, but there's one thing I can do.
"Wait here," I say, slipping my hand out of his. I go back over to the kitchen where Jinx and Cyrus are waiting and pick up the letter.
Cyrus clears his throat softly. "We'll be in my office. You'll know the second we have something."
I nod my thanks and walk back to Tank, who watches me with that gentle confusion I know so well. When he sees what I'm holding, his dark eyes widen.
There's pain there, horrible fucking pain, and I find myself wondering just how many times his hands have opened and folded this page.
"Jinx showed me this tonight," I begin carefully, swallowing past the lump in my throat. "I know Kade has been keeping it all these years. I know all of you read it."
He stares at me, his hand twitching slightly at his side as if he wants to sign something but doesn't know what to say.
"I didn't write this, Tank," I tell him, channeling every ounce of desperation into my words.
I need him to understand. "I know it's my handwriting, and my lipstick, and I don't have a fucking explanation other than that Todd was intercepting all the letters I tried to send you and he forged it.
But I didn't send it, and I've never thought any of those things. I never could."
For a few seconds, Tank just stands there, still staring at me.
"You don't have to believe me," I say, even though I think it will break me if he doesn't. "I just… needed you to know. All of you. And now Kade's gone, and I understand why he hates me so much, and I can't even tell him…"
I trail off when I realize I'm rambling. What I don't realize is that there are tears slipping down my cheeks, not until Tank reaches out to wipe it away. His fingers are rough and warm against my skin and the touch grounds me immediately.
When I look up, there's nothing but understanding in his gaze instead of the doubt I expected to find.
He lifts his hands, making the signs slow and careful for my benefit. You can tell him soon. We're bringing him home.
I try to smile, but the weight of the fear is sitting too heavily on my shoulders to remember how.
"Yeah," I say quietly, knowing I should let it drop.
But I can't. Too much has happened tonight, and too much is left uncertain.
I need to know. "I know why Kade hated me.
Why Jinx and Cyrus were wary of me. But you…
you never treated me differently. Did you know somehow that I didn't send that letter? "
He hesitates, and I try to make sense of the warring emotions crossing the visible part of his face.
Confusion, then pain, then shame.
No. I didn't, he finally signs. Even his hands seem reluctant. Like he doesn't want to admit it. I thought you wrote it.