Chapter 18
“Running away seems to be a habit of yours.”
Louise spun from the window to find Aaron silhouetted in the library doorway.
The Ashworth library was dimly lit, only a few candles flickering against leather spines, but she could see the tension in his shoulders, the careful way he held himself just inside the threshold.
“I needed air.” She turned back to the window, pressing her palm against the cold glass. Outside, snow had fallen again, soft flakes drifting through the light spilling from the ballroom below.
“In the library?”
“Books don’t stare. Or whisper. Or judge.” She heard him step further into the room, the door clicking shut behind him. “Everyone whispered about us. About how I am an unmarried woman living under your roof.”
“Is that why you ran? Because of what people might say?”
Louise whirled to face him. “I ran because I couldn’t bear to stand there another moment, feeling everything you made me feel, knowing that tomorrow you’ll wake up and regret it. Again.”
Aaron moved closer, and she could see his face properly now in the candlelight. He looked haunted, desperate, nothing like the controlled duke who ruled his domain with icy precision.
“I’m trying to be a gentleman,” he said roughly. “To keep my vow to help you find your brother without …”
“Your vow.” Louise laughed, but the sound held only bitterness. “You keep your search for him secret. You tell me nothing of what you discover. How is that keeping your vow?”
“I’m trying to protect you.”
“From what? The truth?” She stepped toward him, anger giving her courage. “How can I trust you when you keep me out of everything that matters? When you kissed me like I’m air and you’re drowning, then push me away like I’m poison?”
Aaron’s jaw clenched. He looked away, toward the darkened shelves. “You want the truth?”
“I’ve been begging for it.”
“Your brother was seen meeting with a man named John Wigram. Three times, at least, before he disappeared.” Aaron’s voice was flat, emotionless. “Wigram is a known wine smuggler. He runs operations out of the East End, and the Crown takes a dim view of such activities.”
Louise felt the blood drain from her face. “Smuggling?”
“A much more serious offense than unpaid debts.” Aaron met her eyes, and she saw the weight of what he’d been carrying alone. “I’ve had men searching every low place in London trying to find George before the authorities do. Before Wigram’s associates do.”
“Smuggling.” She repeated the word, trying to make it fit with the brother she knew. The brother who had gambled away their inheritance, yes. Who had abandoned his responsibilities, certainly. But smuggling? “George wouldn’t … he’s reckless, not a criminal.”
“Desperate men make desperate choices.” Aaron’s voice gentled. “Whatever debts drove him to this, whatever hole he dug himself into, he saw Wigram as a way out. And now he’s in deeper than he ever imagined.”
Louise groped for the back of a chair, her knees suddenly weak. If George were caught, he would go to prison. Their name would be dragged through every scandal sheet in London. Emily would be the sister of a criminal, her future destroyed before it ever began.
“We’re ruined,” she whispered. “Completely ruined.”
“Not yet.” Aaron stepped closer. “If I can find him first, if I can extract him from Wigram’s operation before anyone else discovers his involvement, there may be a way to salvage this.”
“Why didn’t you tell me?” The tears were winning now, hot tracks down her cheeks. “You knew all this, and you said nothing?”
“You were happy.” His voice cracked on the word. “Earlier, watching Emily learn to dance, laughing at Buttercup’s antics. You were happy. How could I destroy that?”
“Because it’s my burden to carry!” She was shouting now, past caring who might hear. “George is my brother, my responsibility. Emily is my responsibility. Their futures, their safety, all of it falls on me.”
“Why?” Aaron moved closer, his own control fracturing. “Why must it all fall on you? Why can’t you let someone else carry some of the weight?”
“Because there is no one else!”
“There’s me.” The words exploded from him. “There’s me, Louise. I’m here, trying to help, trying to protect you, and you won’t let me.”
“You push me away every time I get close.”
“Because you deserve better!” He was in front of her now, close enough that she could see the desperation in his eyes.
“You deserve joy and laughter and freedom from all this weight you carry. You deserve someone who hasn’t spent his entire life building walls, someone who knows how to love without destroying. ”
“You do not get to make that choice for me.”
“You’ve been caring for everyone else for so long,” Aaron said softly. “Your useless brother left you to shoulder everything alone. But you deserve to be cared for. To be cherished. To laugh without guilt and smile without worry.”
“I can’t remember the last time I felt that way.”
“During your sister and my aunt’s performance, you laughed, really laughed. It was …” He swallowed hard. “Your laugh is the most beautiful sound I’ve ever heard.”
They stood inches apart now, their anger dissipating into something else entirely. Something that made her heart race and her skin feel too sensitive.
“I should have told you about George immediately.” Aaron’s voice was rough with emotion. “I’m sorry. I just wanted to allow you some peace. Time to enjoy yourself. One moment where you could just be Louise, not the responsible sister, not the family savior. Just you.”
“You don’t understand.” Her voice broke. “I can’t afford to just be me. Too many people depend on …”
Aaron’s hand cupped her cheek, cutting off her words. His thumb stroked along her cheekbone with devastating gentleness. “Let me take care of you. Just for tonight. Let me carry some of this burden.”
Louise leaned into his touch despite every rational thought screaming at her to pull away. “I … I don’t know how.”
Aaron’s thumb moved to trace her lower lip, and his eyes darkened to near black. “Then let me show you how.”
The last word came out rough, desperate, and Louise felt her last defense crumble. “Please.”
His mouth crashed into hers with none of the gentleness of their first kiss. This was desperation and need, months of denial combusting in an instant. Louise’s hands fisted in his coat, pulling him closer as he backed her against the bookshelf.
“Louise.” Her name was a prayer against her lips before he claimed them again, deeper this time, his tongue sliding against hers in a way that made her knees weak.
She gasped when his mouth moved to her throat, finding that sensitive spot below her ear that made her whole body shiver. Her hands tangled in his hair, holding him against her as he pressed hot kisses along the column of her neck.
“You’re destroying me,” he breathed against her skin, the words torn from somewhere deep and unguarded. “Louise, I can’t … I can’t think when you’re near me. Can’t breathe. Can’t remember why I’m supposed to stay away.”
“Good.” She pulled his mouth back to hers, pouring all her frustration and longing into the kiss.
His hands spanned her waist, burning through the silk of her gown.
When he lifted her slightly, pressing her more firmly against the shelves, she made a sound that seemed to shatter his remaining control.
Nothing existed beyond Aaron’s mouth on hers, his hands in her hair, the solid warmth of his body pressing her into the leather-bound volumes at her back.
“Louise.”
His mouth left hers to trace a path along her jaw, down the column of her throat. Louise tilted her head back, giving him access, her fingers clutching his shoulders as if he were the only solid thing in a world gone liquid.
He found the sensitive hollow at the base of her throat and lingered there, his tongue tasting the flutter of her pulse. She gasped, her hips arching against him without conscious thought.
“So beautiful,” he murmured against her skin. “Do you have any idea how long I’ve wanted this? Wanted you?”
His lips traveled lower, following the neckline of her gown, pressing hot kisses along the swell of her breasts where they rose above the pearl silk. Louise’s breath came in shallow gasps, her fingers tangling in his hair, holding him closer.
“Aaron.” His name escaped her in a moan.
He groaned in response, his hand sliding up from her waist to cup her breast through the silk. His thumb brushed across the peak, and Louise cried out, the sensation shooting through her like lightning. He did it again, deliberately this time, watching her face as pleasure transformed her features.
“Tell me to stop,” he said roughly, his breath hot against the curve of her shoulder. “Tell me to stop, and I will.”
“Don’t.” She pulled his mouth back to hers. “Don’t you dare stop.”
He kissed her deeply, hungrily, as his fingers worked at the fastenings of her gown. The silk loosened, slipping from one shoulder, and his mouth followed, trailing fire across her newly bared skin.
Louise shivered as the cool library air met her heated flesh, but Aaron’s hands were there, warming her, worshipping her.
He eased the fabric lower, exposing the thin chemise beneath, and cupped both breasts in his palms. The sensation of his hands on her, even through the delicate linen, made her knees buckle.
He caught her, lifting her more firmly against the shelves, his thigh pressing between hers. The pressure sent a jolt of pleasure through her core, and she whimpered against his mouth.
“I’ve dreamed of this,” he confessed between kisses, his voice rough as gravel. “Every night since that snowstorm. You in my arms. The sounds you make. The way you taste.”
His mouth descended to her breast, closing over the peak through the thin chemise. Louise’s head fell back against the books, a moan escaping her that she couldn’t have silenced if she’d tried. His tongue circled, teased, tormented, while his other hand slid down her body, gathering her skirts.
“Let me give you pleasure,” he breathed against her damp skin. “Let me make you forget everything but this moment.”
Aaron’s fingers lifted the hem of her gown and revealed her bare legs. He lowered himself down and trailed light kisses up her inner thigh. His hands gently prodded her to open herself up to him.
His lips inched up her thigh until they found the treasure they sought. His tongue stroked over her most intimate flesh.
Louise’s hands instinctively tangled themselves through his hair.
When he lapped at the place between her legs, she gripped at his hair and let out a low moan.
His tongue flicked lightly, and it was a sensation unlike anything she had ever experienced.
As his mouth demanded pleasure from her, she wanted more and more.
Then his tongue parted her folds and dove into her.
She bucked against his face as a tidal wave of pleasure coursed through her body.
Her body clenched, and then her ecstasy reached a crescendo, and she bit back a cry of joy.
When she opened her eyes, her thighs still trembled, and she felt weak. Gently, he lowered her gown and stood. He flicked a thumb over his mouth, and Louise could see the remnants of her pleasure on his lips.
His touch remained gentle, reverent, as if she might shatter beneath his hands.
“You taste like honey,” he murmured against her skin. “Warm, addictive, and impossible to forget.”
Louise’s breath stuttered.
He drew back only enough to study her, his thumb grazing her lower lip as if he couldn’t quite stop touching her. “You undo me far more easily than I like to admit.”
Only then did he begin to gather the scattered pins, securing curls with far more care than propriety required. His touch lingered at her temple, down the line of her neck.
“I should put distance between us,” he said quietly, though his fingers betrayed him by stroking once more. “And yet here I am, wanting more.”
When the last curl was settled, he lifted his gaze to hers.
“From now on,” he said quietly, smoothing the last wayward curl, “I’ll tell you everything about the search for George. No more secrets.”
Louise watched him in the dim candlelight, her body still humming from sensations she had never imagined possible. “And this? What happens with this?”
His hands stilled in her hair. “I can give you pleasure without ruining you, if you want it.” He swallowed hard. “Allow you moments of freedom from all that burden you carry.”
The promise sent heat through her again, but reality crashed back with brutal clarity.
Only temporary. Whatever existed between them would end the moment George was found.
“Once we locate your brother,” Aaron continued, adjusting her necklace with infinite care, “I’ll ensure your family’s protection. You and Emily will have security and a proper future. I swear it.”
Louise nodded, not trusting her voice. She would take these stolen moments of pleasure, these brief escapes from responsibility. She would savor them, knowing they were borrowed time, knowing that once George returned, she and Emily would leave Calborough House forever.
“The ballroom,” she managed. “They’ll wonder where we are.”
“You go first.” His thumb traced her cheekbone one last time. “I’ll follow in a few minutes.”
Louise smoothed her skirts, checking her reflection in the dark window. She looked different somehow, as if the knowledge of pleasure had marked her in ways visible to anyone who cared to look.
She slipped through the doors, immediately caught in the swirl of music and laughter that seemed jarring after the intimacy of the library.
“There you are.” Lady Merrow appeared at her elbow, sharp eyes taking in every detail of Louise’s appearance. “You missed the quadrille.”
“I needed some air.” Louise forced her voice to remain steady. “The crush was overwhelming.”
“Air.” Lady Merrow’s tone suggested she knew exactly what kind of air Louise had been breathing. “Well, you look refreshed. Positively glowing, in fact.”
Louise kept her expression carefully neutral, even as her body remembered every touch, every sensation Aaron had given her in that darkened library. “Everything is perfectly fine.”
But it wasn’t fine. It was glorious and terrible and completely impossible.
And for the first time in her life, Louise didn’t care.