Chapter 11
C H A P T E R1 1
Unwanted Memories of a Lone Wolf
Cade
The Past - 3 years ago
T here was a feeling of bliss moving through my chest as Ella grabbed my hand and led us downstairs to the basement after we finished eating. Though she kept taking pit stops to kiss me in between and playfully demand I show her my dimples.
It’s like someone took a knife and permanently carved a smile on my face. My cheeks hurt from grinning so much. I couldn’t remember the last time I was this content.
Maybe when my parents were still alive. Or maybe the first time I saw baby Olivia and knew I was going to be her big brother.
I went so long without experiencing true happiness. Now that I was getting my first dose after years, the hardened layer of ice caging my heart thawed in my girlfriend’s presence.
Ella Ximena Cordova was the sun of my galaxy.
The universe finally gave me my reward for all my suffering. I was clutching Ella with all my might. I’d never let her go.
Holding hands, we walked down a massive hallway in the basement, encased with many family photos of the Cordovas. I barely glanced at Ella’s baby pictures before she tugged me in a room to our right.
“Welcome to my secret lair.” She cackled like a villain, Mr. Burns style.
She was crazy. My kind of crazy.
Walking ahead, Ella toyed with some switches until the fancy bulbs hanging from the ceiling were dimmed to create a cozy ambiance. Then she hummed while lighting up some candles resting on a coffee table.
“Is this where you are when we have our late-night calls?” The room was spacious. Quotes and symbols related to feminism and girl power were painted in various shades on an accent brick wall in graffito manner. There was a work desk with half-finished knitwear, tall shelves with cubbies housing colourful rolls of yarn, a velvet couch, a wall-mounted TV, and other knick-knacks that were part of Ella’s personality.
“Mhm. Do you like my place?”
“It’s really nice, Ellie.” I walked towards a table sitting under the basement window. There were lots of colourful rocks laid out in a mishmash. “What are these?”
Ella sauntered towards me. “Those are my crystals. I charge them whenever there’s a new moon.”
My brows furrowed. I was extremely confused. “What?”
She stifled a chuckle and threw her arms around my neck. I grabbed her waist, pulling her closer. “Many ancient cultures believed that crystals contained healing properties that helped our mind, body, and soul. Each crystal is different and they are meant to boost good energy and rid you of the negative kind. I’ve been collecting them since I was a little girl. I like to carry a few crystals with me and even wear them as jewellery.” Ella showed me her wrist, adorned with a friendship bracelet from Darla and a pink beaded bracelet. She touched the latter for emphasis. “This is rose quartz. It’s said to emit strong vibrations of love.”
The way she smiled up at me had my chest tightening. “I love how passionate you are about this. Where do you get your crystals from?”
So I can buy you more.
“There’s a crystal shop in downtown that I really like.” She arched a brow. “Why, you want to take me there?”
I nodded.
She grinned. “Do you want a crystal too?”
“Only if you want to give me one.”
Ella gazed inquisitively at the table. She picked up a black crystal and handed it to me. “You can have this one. It’s an obsidian. It’ll help with any stress you’re feeling and block off any negative energy. It also has protective properties. Promise to keep it with you at all times?”
I touched the opaque crystal, its shiny black surface gleaming. It was the size of a knuckle. I shoved it in my pocket. “Thank you, Ella. I promise I’ll always have it with me.” I laid a gentle peck on her cheek. “Is this your way of making sure I’m kept out of harm’s way?”
I meant to use a teasing tone. Instead, my voice came out gravelly.
“Yes.” Ella caressed her thumb over my jaw in a soothing stroke. “I know you’ve had a rough past, even though you don’t talk about it. Though I can’t do anything about what’s happened before, I want to protect you in any way I can moving forward. If anything or anyone hurts you, I’ll fight them tooth and nail. No one hurts my querido and gets away with it.”
A myriad of feelings rushed through me. Emotions I never experienced until this moment bubbled to the surface and threatened to spill over. A slave to the pull between us, I drew her into my arms quickly.
She was my match made in heaven.
Mine in every sense of the word.
Ella hugged me back and rested her head over my wildly beating heart.
She understood everything I wished I could say but was unable to utter.
After Ella tossed my leather jacket around a sewing mannequin with a wink, my girlfriend swore to bedazzle it with her mark. Then she led us towards the couch in the middle of the room and put on a scary movie.
Most people tended to watch movies in silence. Not Ella. A total chatterbox, she kept giving her commentary. I didn’t mind, though. For so long, my life was filled with silence. Ella’s talkative nature was welcomed. I liked hearing everything that was on her mind.
It all mattered to me.
We watched the movie while Ella knitted something with black yarn, completely unafraid of the horror setting.
I remembered her telling me she had an affinity for spooky things. Ghost stories. Mystery movies. Halloween. Etc.
There was a bad girl hiding underneath that good girl fa?ade.
And I was thrilled at the thought of unravelling her layers and beholding them in a way no man had or ever would.
“Are you excited for Initiation Night?” Ella asked sweetly, while the demon ate away at the priest in the background, shrilling noises echoing through the surround sound system in the room.
I was fascinated with how quick her fingers moved over her creation. “Yeah. Shaun gave me a quick rundown. It sounds like fun.”
Her eyes sparkled with joy and I was once again hypnotized by her beautiful gaze. God, how was she so perfect? “Oh, it’s fun all right. I played last year and came in second place. I’m hoping to win this year now that I have a better grasp on how the game works.”
I liked her competitive spirit. “I hope we get paired together, Ellie.”
“Me too. We’d make the best team ever and kick ass!”
Her happiness was infectious. Smiling, I leaned forward to kiss her, tasting a combination of chocolate and the orange lollipop she’d been suckling.
“That reminds me,” she whispered against my lips. “I’m knitting a sweater for you.”
I blinked. “Is that what you’ve been doing this whole time?”
“Yup.” She pointedly lifted the black fabric attached to her knitting needles. “You always wear crewneck style sweaters under your jackets and I…wanted to make you one.”
She’s so sweet . “Thank you. I can’t wait to wear it.”
“Can I get your exact measurements?” Ella asked sheepishly.
“Yes, that’s no problem.”
“Take your shirt off, Cade.”
A wave of ice washed over me when I really processed her request.
Take your shirt off, Cade.
Fuck.
I couldn’t do that.
Sensing the tension coiling in my muscles, Ella searched my eyes. “What’s wrong?”
You’re together now, Cade. There should be no secrets between you two. Ella deserves to know the truth. Despite it being fucking ugly.
I decided to show her instead of saying it.
Holding my breath, I grabbed the hemline of my sweater and lifted it off my torso in one swoop.
Ella didn’t see it right away.
But three seconds later, when she did, her gasp was loud. “Oh my God. What…What happened to you, Cade?”
Shame pelted me like rocks from every angle.
“Now’s your chance to call me a freak.” I glanced away, not wanting to see disgust—or worse, pity—in her eyes.
The raised angry pink lines started at the left side of my collarbone and criss-crossed over to my shoulder in a disarray pattern before travelling down my arm until they reached my wrist. It was everything horrendous, grotesque, and then some more.
I never felt embarrassed about the damage hiding beneath my skin. But the scars visible to the naked eye were the ones that made me wish, for a small moment in time, that I wasn’t alive.
I avoided looking at them every day when I got dressed. The mirror was not my friend. I hated seeing what he turned me into. A beast of sorts.
Ella grabbed my face, urging me to meet her eyes. “How did this…I don’t understand…” Horror laced her trembling voice. “Please, tell me.”
My gut instinct always told me that I could trust this girl, be vulnerable with her, and eventually, when the time came, divulge all my secrets.
Now was that time.
“My uncle did this to me.”
Her ashen face flared with anger. “Vance—”
“No,” I swiftly corrected. “Not Uncle Vance. This was my dad’s brother. The one I lived with after my parents passed away. Julius…Olivia’s father.”
“Start at the beginning,” Ella pleaded. “I want to know everything.”
When I pondered over how to best explain my story, she grabbed my left wrist and squeezed gently. “I’ll never repeat a single word of what you say tonight to another person. All your secrets are safe with me, Cade. I promise you.”
The fierce protectiveness in her tone did it for me.
I started talking and Ella listened intently and patiently, hanging on every sentence with a dedicated intensity that filled me with even more affection for her.
I told her about my parents—how Vera and Ronan said fuck-you to every rule in Montardor’s high society when they fell in love and eloped. My mom was the only daughter of the Remingtons. By falling in love with a man not up to par with my grandfather’s standards, she brought shame to their name and was disowned.
Then one night, when I was fifteen years old, I slept over at a friend’s house, unassuming of how my life would change in the span of mere hours.
My parents’ home was set on fire. Nobody survived, not even my pregnant mother, whose body was found burned to a crisp.
In the snap of a finger, everything changed.
They died and I was shuffled over to Julius’s house. Uncle Vance and Aunt Julia probably thought they were doing me a favour by allowing my dad’s brother to take me in and keep me away from their dark world. The same one responsible for my parents’ death. Little did they know that the months I lived with Julius were the worst imaginable nightmare.
Ella inched closer to me on the couch. Her body buzzed with an untamed energy, like an earthquake waiting to unleash. She braided her fingers with mine and skimmed my knuckles over her soft cheek before pressing a kiss to them. As if trying to ground herself. “What happened when you started living with him?”
It was difficult to discuss the next part of the story. Especially when I was in the presence of the girl who meant so much to me. I hoped she saw me as nothing but strong after this.
Not a weak, pathetic boy who’d succumbed to his demons.
“Julius was an angry fucker. Unhinged and with a bad drinking problem. From the minute I stepped into his house, I was his verbal punching bag. I never talked back because what was the point? I was stuck there with nowhere to go. The faster I got used to my new reality, the better.” I chuckled without humour, rage pouring through my bloodstream when I remembered Julius’s craggy face. “The social worker said I was ‘lucky’ to be alive—that I should count my blessings for not being in my home when it burned to smithereens.”
Was it really luck when you were breathing, yet everything you loved was dead?
“Oh, Cade.” Ella battled with the need to say more. But she gave me the floor to share my piece.
“I lived in that shithole for months, Ella. My only solace came in the form of Olivia. Her mother unfortunately died during childbirth. She was a one-night stand and Julius had no attachments to her or his baby girl,” I said hoarsely. “When I first met Olivia, she was a tiny little thing, sitting in her bed with a calm stillness. She stared up at me with big brown eyes filled with relief and reached out a chubby fist, wanting me to take her hand. My mom was pregnant with a girl before she died. In a way, fate cruelly ripped away my parents from my life but gave me the little sister I was meant to have. It was the only silver lining in my fucked-up situation.”
“I’m happy to know you had each other,” Ella whispered. “That means Olivia is technically your cousin, right?”
“Yes.” But now that the Remingtons had officially adopted us, she was legally considered my sister. “Aunt Julia and Uncle Vance have been quiet on the subject of our adoption because it’s nobody’s business. That’s why no one knows the truth.”
“My parents thought you were Vance’s bastard child.” Ella winced. “You two look so much alike.”
“Yeah, I get that a lot.” Uncle Vance would never cheat. He was one hundred percent devoted and obsessed with his wife. “My aunt and uncle never bothered to deny any of the rumours, even though Montardor’s elites are gossip-hungry vultures. If they found out I was the late Vera Remington’s son, it would cause a huge upheaval and put me in the limelight…and not in a good way, Ella.”
My mom, when she was still part of Montardor’s high society, was beloved. I heard over the years that she broke a lot of hearts and caused a big stir when she eloped with my dad, Vegas style.
Not to mention…my grandfather had promised her hand in marriage to a rival family in the neighbouring city. Obviously, that business transaction went sour and caused a lot of bloodshed.
Uncle Vance and Aunt Julia said it was best to stay silent regarding my origins.
“Are you okay, Cade?” Ella gingerly pressed her palm to my jaw. “I mean, to continue talking about this. I want to know more, but I don’t want to jog up too many bad memories.”
I swallowed the tightness forming in my throat. “Yes, I want to tell you this.” Remembering hurt but relaying this story to Ella felt therapeutic. “If you’ll still listen.”
“I’m listening.” She rubbed my cheeks in a nurturing manner. “I’ll always listen to you. I’m here now. Let me shoulder some of your burdens. You’ll never have to fight your demons on your own. Ahora me tienes , querido .”
My pulse sped up. “What does that mean?”
“You have me now,” she murmured. “I’ll never leave you.”
“Promise?” I murmured back, my voice cracking.
She wove our pinkies together and tugged me closer with a mischievous expression, planting a peck where our fingers were joined in a vow. “Promise.”
A smile touched my lips. Ella kissed the grooves on either side of my cheeks. I chuckled. “You’re obsessed with my dimples.”
“I’m obsessed with all of you ,” she corrected. “But I do have a soft spot for these.” Kiss . “Cute.” Kiss. “Little.” Kiss. “Dimples!”
I laughed harder and Ella grinned wide.
Once the small bout of happiness subsided, she mumbled, “Please, go on.”
While I collected old memories, Ella curled into my side, pressing her cheek against my mauled shoulder. She slung an arm around my waist and squeezed encouragingly.
“As I was saying, Julius had lots of issues, on top of being bitter about having two mouths to feed. Day and night, he would cuss at Olivia and me for simply existing. He forced me to work around the house like a dog, telling me I had to do chores to earn my keep. Julius would threaten to put me on the streets if I didn’t comply with his rules.” I cleared my throat and clutched the obsidian stone in my pocket. “A handful of times, he’d make me sleep in the shed outside during the coldest nights. I always got sick, and the sadistic bastard would laugh and assign me more tasks. Going to social services wouldn’t have worked. They’d split up Olivia and me and shuffle us to new homes. It wasn’t an option. Not when we formed a bond and grew extremely attached to one another.”
“This is so awful, Cade. He had no right to treat you like that.” Ella’s voice shook as it rose an octave higher. “No one has the right to treat you like that. Ever .”
I clenched her tighter against me, appreciating her words more than I could convey. “In the first few weeks of living in that shithole, it became obvious that Julius wouldn’t take care of us when he couldn’t even take care of himself. Therefore, I had to take care of us. My job opportunities were limited and desperate times called for desperate measures, so I got in touch with a guy who could help me put food on the table. That’s how I started dealing. It may have been unethical, but drug money was good money. I was able to buy Olivia all her necessities and to finally have something decent to eat besides stale cereal for breakfast, lunch, and dinner.
“Julius hated seeing how quickly I took on responsibility while his worthless ass was rotting away. It bruised his ego to see a kid thrice his junior be the man of the house. Therefore, he started punishing me in his own sick way.” I rubbed my hand against Ella’s arm to bring some heat to my cold fingers. “The abuse went from verbal to…physical.”
Ella froze.
Humiliation prickled my skin until my breathing turned ragged. “Julius’s insults morphed into shoves and punches very quickly. I was strong enough to fight him off, but I never did, afraid of the consequences. I thought to myself, ‘ if he takes his anger out on me, Olivia is safe .’” My features twisted with torment and Ella sat up, eyes filling with moisture. “Y-You have to understand that everything I-I did was to protect Olivia. I couldn’t risk him hurting her. I just couldn’t, Ella. It was me or her. It didn’t mean that I was weak. I-I was never weak—”
“Shh…” Ella caressed my face soothingly, halting my frantic words. Tears freely streamed down the slopes of her cheeks. “You survived a horrible situation as best as you could. You’re not weak. You never were. Please don’t think otherwise.”
I wasn’t weak. I knew it, though I didn’t realize until now how badly I needed to hear it aloud. From her . Ella’s words began to slowly heal the parts of me that felt broken.
“Julius gave me these scars two weeks before I moved in with the Remingtons.” I gestured to my scarred arm. Ella sucked in a sharp breath. “I had just finished tucking Olivia in bed when Julius stumbled into the house minutes later, completely drunk and with a bottle of Jack. He spotted me on the staircase and started throwing insults. As always, I took his verbal assault. I was used to it. I didn’t care. But when he raised his voice, I got worried it would wake up Olivia, who’d been sick all day. So I…I finally talked back for the first time. I told him to ‘shut the fuck up’ and he lost it. He walked up to where I stood, smashed the bottle against the banister, knocked me until I fell flat on the stairs and then…”
“No, no, no,” Ella chanted on a tortured whisper.
I inhaled a shuddering breath. “Then he carved me, Ella. He pinned me under his weight and scraped the broken ends of the bottle against my skin like it was a chisel and I was an inanimate object for him to inject his brutality in. He relished my agony and laughed like a lunatic while I screamed and begged for him to stop.”
Suddenly, my mind was transported back to that night where he altered me forever. I felt as though I was right there, under the mercy of that devil as he cut me up like a fucked-up piece of art.
It was Ella’s sob that drew me back to reality. I watched as she clamped a hand over her mouth, barely stopping her cry of pain. “Oh, God.”
“Olivia woke up from my screams and started wailing. Eventually, the neighbours heard the commotion and called the cops. I thought I was going to die on that staircase.”
“Cade…”
“By the time the ambulance and cops arrived, I had fainted from blood loss. The next day in the hospital, I was informed that Julius was behind bars and social services had contacted the Remingtons about me and Olivia. They immediately took us in and the rest is history. Finally, the universe gave me a miracle. My life changed in the blink of an eye and here I am today. Healing, not so broken, and confessing all my secrets to the prettiest girl I’ve ever seen.”
The last bit was meant to uplift the mood.
Ella only cried harder. I wiped her tears with my thumbs. My girlfriend was clearly an empath. When her cries wouldn’t cease, I hugged her tight and laid my chin over her head. “Please don’t cry, Ella. It hurts me to see you like this.”
In this moment, she was my lifeline.
I wasn’t capable of letting her go.
Not now.
Not ever.
There was a time when I wished I’d died with my parents in that fire. It was morbid, but it was true. Back then, it felt like my life was over.
Thinking back to those dark days and where I was now, I was grateful life gave me a second chance and new circumstances with an amazing family who cherished me infinitely.
And I reminded myself that every hardship and obstacle changed the course of my fate and led me to this incredible girl right here, weeping in my arms and looking up at me with so much love that it undid me.
“I can’t help it.” She buried her face in my neck. “The thought of you in pain breaks my heart. I’m sorry, Cade. So sorry you had to go through that. I wish I could pay Julius a visit in jail and hurt him for hurting you.”
When she laid her palm against my beating heart, as if ensuring it was there and alive, all the toxins from my past ebbed away. “Thank you for hearing me out, mo chuisle .”
Her glassy eyes blinked up at me with softness. “What does that mean?”
“My pulse,” I murmured, bestowing a tender kiss to her lips.
She sighed. “That’s so romantic.”
I smiled and pressed my forehead to hers. “You gave me a nickname in your language. It was only fitting that I give you one in mine.”
My parents were of Irish roots. Mom thought it was important for me to learn a bit of our language at the very least. Before she died, she’d spent an hour every weekend giving me lessons.
“Say it again.”
“ Mo chuisle .”
“Again.”
“ Mo chuisle .”
“I love it, querido .”
Hearing her say querido and love together stirred something deep in the depths of my heart.
My tongue felt heavy with one monumental sentence. It was three words, eight letters, and demanded to be voiced out loud. She needed to know just how much she meant to me.
I was enamoured with Ella Ximena Cordova.
We were cut from the same cloth, halves of the same whole, flames from the same fire.
She was created for me.
My very own destiny.
Taking advantage of my speechlessness, Ella climbed into my lap, sitting on top of me like a queen on her throne.
God, she was so damn pretty.
I wondered what she’d look like ten years, twenty years, fuck, even fifty years from now—stunning, no doubt—and how I wanted to be around to see her gracefully age. Laugh lines. Crow’s feet. Grey hair. And those radiant blue-brown eyes, still incomparable as ever.
“Cade?”
“Yes, baby?”
“Let me look at your arm, please.”
I extended my left arm for her to inspect. The pads of her fingertips glided up the jagged lines. With a single touch, Ella breathed an exuberant amount of healing into me. I shivered, my skin sensitive under her caresses.
Since the incident, it was the first time I was letting anyone this close to my scars. Allowing yourself to be vulnerable and open for judgement was a scary feat. Though I stayed at ease knowing Ella wouldn’t pity me.
She’d heard the worse and was still here.
“You’re not a freak,” she stated once she finished touching my arm. “Your scars tell a story, but they don’t define you. This does—Your heart.” Her hand pressed over to my left pec for emphasis. “You’re a survivor, Cade, and that’s incredibly beautiful to me.”
I was astounded by her.
No force in the universe could have stopped me from echoing the next confession.
“I love you, Ella,” I rasped and gently cupped her face. “I think I fell for you when I saw you standing in the rain, gazing at me like I was the best thing you’d ever seen. Every moment since, I’ve kept falling deeper. I don’t know how to stop. You’ve bewitched me. I love you so much that I cannot think beyond that sentiment. During the day, my mind is filled with thoughts of you. And at night, I dream of you incessantly. My world revolves around you, mo chuisle .”
Ella vined her arms around my neck and stamped her mouth to mine with an eagerness that made me gasp. My hands chased down her back and grabbed her waist, clutching her small body to my bigger one like she was unbreakable under my strength.
We kissed with desperation and yearning. I tasted the saltiness of her tears and the sweetness of her tongue. She tasted the bite of my teeth on her lips and the very essence of my admission.
“I love you too, Cade,” she confessed, raw and truthfully. “You’ve been mine and I’ve been yours from the moment we met.” She laid an abundance of kisses all over my face. “There’s no stopping this, querido . You’ve got me addicted, hooked, obsessed. You’re trapped with me and I’m keeping you. Forever.”
Don’t let me go, Ella. “Promise?”
“Promise.” She smiled beautifully. “From here on out, it’ll always be you and me.”