Chapter 21
CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE
Scarlett
A MONTH LATER…
I ’ve visited with Zander briefly over the last month, but after the night we shared the same bed, I didn’t stay at his house again. It didn’t feel safe. And I don’t mean in a physical way. Zander makes me feel protected…cherished even. But emotionally, I’d never walk away unscathed if I let him into my heart. Which is exactly what would happen if I’m around him for too long. Staying in his house with him is just too…intimate. So, the next morning, I told him I needed to meet with a client in the city.
We’ve talked either by text or on the phone almost daily. But today was our latest doctor’s appointment, and he wanted me to stay this weekend. I’ve run out of excuses as to why I can’t.
Everything with the baby is going well and measuring on track. We’re finally entering the second trimester and I’m starting to feel better. I still have the occasional nausea, but nothing like it was. But this feeling of being aroused more than not, and unable to fix it…it’s only gotten worse.
When we arrived at his house moments ago, he took my bags to the same room he chose for me before. Now, he’s facing me, and his dark gaze rakes down my body. He seems slightly guarded, but somehow mesmerized. His gaze keeps falling to my now slightly rounded belly. I’ve moved beyond feeling like I look bloated, to having an unmistakable baby bump.
“You can touch it if you want to,” I tell him right as his phone rings.
He glances at his phone and frowns before ending the call.
“Is something wrong?”
“Uh, no, it was a wrong number.”
“It’s Friday, so won’t the bar be busy?” I ask to break the silence.
He slips his hands into his jeans pockets. “Yeah. Friday is usually one of our busiest nights,” he says without taking his gaze off mine.
“Then you should go. Don’t worry about me. I’ll be here when you get back,” I tell him, hoping he’ll leave me alone so I can try to rid myself of this aroused state that seems to double down when I’m near him.
Something flashes in his dark eyes. I can’t name what it is, but he nods and starts to walk out of my room. But before he does, he turns and faces me. “I can come back early. I’d like to spend some time with you while you’re here for the weekend.”
I smile tightly, feeling torn at the prospect of his request. Part of me would love nothing more, but the logical part says the less time we’re together, the better. “Sure,” I manage to say.
He nods. “I’ve got the fridge and cabinets stocked, so make yourself at home. I’ll check in later,” he says before walking out of my room.
Standing in place, I hear him shifting around down the hall until eventually he leaves, and I’m left with nothing but my own thoughts. I unpack a few things for easy access and then answer a few work emails.
Once done, I decide to explore a bit. He wasn’t kidding—he stocked his kitchen for every craving a pregnant woman could have. I found some dill pickles, pretzels, and water. I’m wanting something salty right now and that should work. I spy an orange in a bowl on his counter and grab it too, taking it to his living room floor.
I sit crisscross with my snacks and stare out the tall windows to his property. You can’t see anything but rolling hills in the distance, and I realize this place will be a blast for a kid. I can picture a swing set close to the house, and a trampoline when they’re older. I think I see a pond too and it makes me wonder if he has ducks or does any fishing.
Regardless, this house, his little corner of the world is a hidden treasure. And it’s a little sad he has no one to share it with. Well, except our baby when they get here. My stomach flips nervously when the thought of him deciding to open up to someone else one day flits through my mind.
I find myself torn again because a man as sexy and caring as he is, even if he hides it, shouldn’t spend his life without a significant other to share it with. I hope he’s able to give love a chance again someday. Maybe our baby will be what helps him open back up to the possibility. I want happiness for him, but I know it won’t be with me because I can’t accept the doubts that would ultimately come with him attempting to love me.
Would he love me because he’s “in love” with me, or would his love stem from necessity? From the plain and simple fact we slept together one night and conceived a child. A platonic love. I can’t live with that kind of doubt. Maybe Eric’s betrayal took a bigger piece of me than I thought, one I can’t get back. Doubting myself has become a daily occurrence when it never was before.
I sit here long enough the sun sets and my bladder stretches to full. I decide to shower after using the bathroom and maybe release some…tension while I’m here alone. But as always, it’s elusive. All the books and articles say I should be more sensitive and reactive than ever right now, but trying to take care of myself this way isn’t working.
I dry myself off, frustrated to tears knowing I wouldn’t have this problem if I was in a real relationship while pregnant and experiencing this…relentless need. I wrap a towel around my body and pad to my room. I check the time and see it should still be a while before Zander gets back from his bar.
Suddenly, a thought occurs to me. I’m clearly drawn to Zander; very much attracted to him. I wonder if I try to find release in his room…on his bed with his scent surrounding me if it would help me fall over the edge. My cheeks heat at the thought because touching myself isn’t something I do. But I’ve got to get rid of this ache that’s been plaguing my every waking breath.
I make my way to his room, and the moment his scent hits my nostrils, the desire amplifies. I search his room, my gaze roaming over this private piece of him, a part no one else gets according to him.
When I’m standing over his bed, I pull the covers down and drop my towel. The cold air hits my already pebbled, sensitive nipples and my core pulses. I start to crawl to the center of his bed and lie down. But I simply lie there. I can’t do this…it just feels plain wrong no matter how desperate I am to find my release.
The tears come without permission, and I let them drip down my face and onto his pillows. I bury my face in my hands and silently chastise myself for this stupid, borderline creepy idea. But once I’m all cried out, I feel a little better.
I swipe the remaining wetness from my cheeks and start to sit up so I can go back to my room and get dressed like a sensible person before Zander gets home, but I freeze when I see him standing in the doorway with his dark gaze roaming every inch of my naked body as if seeing me this way for the first time.
When our gazes eventually lock, he swallows…hard. I don’t know what to do, so I scramble for my towel, because who am I right now? I’m a crazy person who has tarnished his space. Once I have it haphazardly covering my body, I say with a trembling voice, “I’m so sorry, Zander. This is so weird. I just thought…you know what? It doesn’t matter. I should go before I make this worse. Just…wow, I’m sorry.”
I start to move in his direction to walk out the door he’s now filling, and he gives me chills when he says, “Stop.”
His expression reveals nothing, but his pupils are so big, his dark eyes look almost black, especially in the dim light cast by his lamp on his nightstand.
“Why are you crying, Scarlett?” he asks as he takes a step further into his room, making me back up.
In for a penny, in for a pound…or whatever that saying is. I bite on my lower lip to distract myself from the growing bulge behind his jeans.
“Scarlett,” he rasps almost painfully.
I close my eyes and decide to just be my awkward but truthful self. “You know how the doctor said I might start to feel…aroused a lot?”
His jaw clenches as he nods.
“It’s true. I’ve never been so turned on, but I can’t…” I trail off.
“You can’t what?” he asks.
“I need to get off, okay? I can’t. I’m not one to touch myself, but I’ve tried with no success,” I admit to this handsome man standing before me, the one who’s already touched almost every inch of me.
He steps closer and narrows his eyes. “How have you been taking care of it? Has someone else been touching you?” he asks.
I realize he’s asking if I’ve been sleeping with someone else while carrying his baby. I may be desperate for release, but not that desperate. My brows rise in disbelief. How could he think I’d do that? This is proof of how broken his ability to trust is. That also destroys any slim chance we had in the back of my mind of being anything more than what we are now. Without trust, there’s no way to have a relationship.
More tears slide down my cheeks, more out of anger I think than anything, and I catch them with my tongue as they fall past my lips. I don’t glance away when I speak. “No one has touched me. I haven’t had any kind of release since the day I basically dry humped you in your kitchen. I can’t believe you’d think that low of me.”
I start to move past him again but he steps in front of me. “I’m pretty messed up when it comes to relationships, Scarlett. It would never be my first choice to think that, but my past has me gridlocked.”
“Yeah, well, someone hurt me too. I know yours was a unique pain because it was two people you loved that betrayed you, but you don’t get to assume I’d do that. We’re not together, but I’d still never do that. That’s a special kind of messed up in my book to be pregnant with one man’s child but sleep with another,” I rush out, chest heaving with emotion.
He steps so close I feel the heat coming from his body. His heated gaze rakes over me. “Can I touch you? Will you let me take care of you?”
My eyes widen in surprise. I wasn’t expecting that. “I’m not letting you do that because you feel sorry for me.”
“I don’t. I’ve wanted to be the one to touch you since the moment I saw you again. But I didn’t think I had a right to, and I didn’t want to confuse you by sending mixed signals. I’m drawn to you, sunshine. But I don’t know if I can give you more than my body. Can that be enough for now?” he asks, swallowing hard once more.
On impulse, or from insanity, I’m not sure which, I drop my towel as his chest puffs up a bit. “No one else has more of a right to touch me than you do.”
He lets out a groan before pulling my naked body flush with his still fully clothed one. “Tonight, I’ll make sure you’re fully taken care of and then some. I will for as long as you’ll let me, sunshine.”
I know this is the best he can give, and right now, even knowing my heart will probably get broken later, I accept it and decide to deal with the consequences later.